Advice please

I have 2 brothers and a sister.
I’m estranged from my older sister.
Whilst mum was alive ‘we played happy family’ it ‘worked’ as the sister in question lived 100+miles away from mum and rest of family so visits by her were infrequent.
As children sister and I did not get along (4 years age difference) Even at mum’s funeral sister in question caused disquiet and upset one of our 2 brothers. Eight years after mum’s funeral sister moved back to our town and started organising ‘family gatherings’. She doesn’t have contact with her adult children. Without giving details I’ll just say I and my 2 brothers are not in contact with our sister - too stressful and I do not need the drama.
So there you have it - some family relationships just cannot be fixed.
Best let them get on with it you won’t be accused of anything then (speaking from experience here)

EvieJ

Thank you Elowen

I agree with your comment but as mum, its hard to watch it continue. Like you say, it may fix over time, thats what i'm hoping for

Thank you

I have two grown up daughters with only two years between them, they have never got on they are like chalk and cheese even though they were treated the same and given the same as children
They have had serious arguments which even led to a fight,
Now they just tolerate each other but can only be in each other’s company for an hour or so before they start bickering, it used the really upset me but now I think they are both adults with their own family so I don’t get involved, because if I did I would be another person not being spoken to, it’s easier when they are children because you can break up a squabble but with adults you just have to stand back
Just because they came out of the same womb doesn’t mean they have to like each other

Jules59

Perhaps, if the two families agree, the cousins could still meet up at your house or somewhere neutral.
It seems unfair that the cousins are missing out because their mothers have fallen out.

It seems unfair that the cousins are missing out because their mothers have fallen out.

I thought about that aspect, too.

Many years ago I fell out with my very best friend - we'd known each others since our children were babies, and they were best friends, too.

But neither of us prevented the two boys from seeing each other, it would've been very upsetting as they played together daily. Her son came to my house to play, and mine went to hers - nearly every day in the school holidays. If it was late, I would walk her son back home... and vice versa. They are now in their early 50s, and still good friends.

Time is short, children grow up so soon - you can't get that time back again...

Of course when it's a family affair, it causes grief for other family members too, especially the mother of those who've fallen out - but the principle is the same regarding the children.

Jules59

Perhaps, if the two families agree, the cousins could still meet up at your house or somewhere neutral.
It seems unfair that the cousins are missing out because their mothers have fallen out.

OP, I am referring to your GC as bullies below because it's easier to type rather than casting aspersions on their overall character.

I imagine the mother of the bullied child wouldn't want her child to meet up with the bullies without being there. To a certain extent cousins are missing out because of the situation the 16 and 13 year olds put themselves in. Actions have consequences and there's a lesson to be learned here that sometimes "Sorry," just doesn't make things better.

Of course, we weren't there and don't have adequate information so we don't know how badly the bullied child has been affected or how sincere the bullies and parents sounded when they apologised. If the child in question has been badly bullied at school it could be the last straw. Maybe this isn't the first time the older children have stepped the mark.

I would always veer towards conciliation but sometimes that takes a while to get your head around if it is your chid that has been hurt.

Perhaps, if the two families agree, the cousins could still meet up at your house or somewhere neutral.
It seems unfair that the cousins are missing out because their mothers have fallen out.

sazz1

We have the same problem in our family after 2 cousins aged 16 and 13 bullied their 10yr old cousin. DD hasn't bothered speaking to her brother or SIL since even though SIL apologised to her at the time. It's been a few months now n no sign of a reconciliation. DD doesn't want to contact them but they were previously v close and she visited them every week. I'm staying out of it for now.

But have the cousins apologised to their aunt and cousin? That may go towards some conciliatory movement.

We have the same problem in our family after 2 cousins aged 16 and 13 bullied their 10yr old cousin. DD hasn't bothered speaking to her brother or SIL since even though SIL apologised to her at the time. It's been a few months now n no sign of a reconciliation. DD doesn't want to contact them but they were previously v close and she visited them every week. I'm staying out of it for now.

*your! Edit button please!

I’m afraid involving you son was unfortunate, in my opinion, and you should continue to see both daughters and their children separately and leave well alone.

Your daughters are adults and need to resolve this alone.

so your son who lives in the USA is not happy that the family are not really seeing much of each other. Sorry but he has a cheek unless he flies home every weekend to see the family!

My nieces are chalk and cheese and rarely see each other since their mother died. I share news between them but the older one is so closed off and intolerant. Part of the problem goes way back and is really rooted in jealousy (they are nearly 3 years apart too).
My own son and daughter are not that close either, but I offer holiday activity centre outing for grandchildren, so they meet.

I agree with Robin.
This often happens although they may act as if they don’t want to see each other but I bet they would be lost without each other. especially when they are older and you mentioned that they are sisters.

Ooh, this is a bit close to my heart, being a sibling who is estranged from her older brother. So from the AC's perspective, please do not take sides or try to build bridges between your daughters. Take a big step back. I know it hurts for you to see your children not getting along, but there really is nothing you can do apart from rather obliquely support them. My mum favours my brother, and how I wish she would just say nothing at all! She is the one to bring up the issue of how I've ruined the rest of her life because now she can't be the matriarch of big family gatherings on her birthday and at Christmas. She just wants everyone to pretend to get along for her sake.
Mum can't understand the issue even though I've explained it to her, and says I should just try to get along with my brother. He is now not going to our nephew's wedding because I'm going...
So yes, you are not alone, this happens in so many families for so many different reasons, and sometimes for practically no reason at all!

I agree with the majority on here; you can't force things. If you persisted and did what your son says, you'd end up losing your daughter as well. Just let them work it out if they are going to.
When my kids used to have troubles with friends at school, I would not involve their parents because the children would have made up and I would probably still be at odds with the parents. I think it works the same as children. If each complains about the other, it's best to say things like, "mmm, difficult," or "What a shame you've found yourself in this situation," because you can't be seen to be taking sides.
Let's hope it is just a case of , "This too shall pass."

Sadly, this is quite a common occurrence in some families. If mediation doesnt work, just let her get on with it and eventually, she may come round, when and if she mellows a bit.
You can’t force people to come together especially if one feels wronged by the actions of another.
Has the younger daughter tried speaking to her older sister to see of she can find out why this issue is causing such a rift?

*Parents are very good for that! Not stents!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think all you can do is be direct about how unhappy it's making you. If she's not a great one for social media, she may not want to join in a family WhatsApp group. It's a shame for the children - my grandchildren and great nieces and nephews met up at a family event , and got on really well - two smallest were walking hand in hand and calling each other friends by the end! Things could change - just keep the lines of communication with the family open - stents are very good for that!

I think that it's more common than you might imagine.
My children don't get on either, they avoid each other when possible. We had our golden wedding recently and they did come, but didn't speak to each other. I've tried speaking to the two who are most difficult, but sadly no luck, so I simply see them separately.
I have absolutely no idea what caused the original rifts, usually things have blown over quickly but no longer.

I have a situation with daughters similar to this. But one does not see me now either. If I bump into her in the supermarket she'll speak but it's difficult now it does feel awkward. The main reason she fell out with me was because I wouldn't take sides! So sometimes you just can't win.

It is not possible to force people to make up. Keep out of it.

Thank you

Thank you

I'm glad i posted on here because your all saying seemly things

Thank you

My son has his say because he looks out for me as i'm on my own now. he doesn't like to see me unhappy
But see why you would say that

Thank you

When i say they different , none of them i like me and i understand why you would question that.
Just completely different in the way they live etc

Caleo

I think the standard advice in such cases is to find common ground between the two parties. I imagine you yourself could be the go-between for meeting to discuss a neutral topic that concerns both of them.

I naturally have no idea what the two ladies have in common. It may be a common political stance, or a common threat to their families from criminals, or maybe one gives good practical advice about purchasing a car advice the other seeks.

Don't do that.
Stay out of it and don't send your son in either.
Do some reading on estrangement and flying monkeys.
And remember the old saying " least said, soonest mended".
If you put yourself into their business, you run the risk of being alienated from them all.