Friends who "disappear" ;

I'm really surprised that so many posts suggest that you keep contacting them, whether to ask why, or to ask them out to lunch or just send a card or just call or...

Ugh, please don't. They've already made it very clear that they want you to leave them alone. So I think continuing to contact them anyway would be quite dense and pushy.

Very few friendships last a lifetime. We probably all know what it's like to feel like a friendship has run its course and want to move on. When people want to move on, they're past wanting to discuss it. They rarely say why.

And what would they say anyway? Sorry, but your constant prattling on about your health issues/dog/grandchildren just bores me out of my mind. Sorry, but if I have to listen to your husband brag about his money one more time, I'm afraid I'll choke the life out of him. Oh, and also....

Sorry they've moved on, though. It's not a nice feeling.

Friendships come and go, we have had many different friends over the years, some we thought would last a lifetime, but very few have stood the test of time. Has hardly ever been down to ill feeling but simply drifting apart.
Don’t agonise about the possible loss of these friends, for whatever reason they have decided to cut ties. Send cards on birthdays etc., and don’t expect much else back. Was good to know them for all those years and you have I am sure some lovely memories.

Update - we did not make any more contact. Last contact from said friends was May 10th. Recently it was their anniversary, we sent a card as it was a special year. We got a card back as our anniversary was a few days later, I then put a thank you on our chat group, this has been ignored.
I totally think this friendship is over, such a shame, but I am not willing to push something that's not wanted

There are two birthdays coming up shortly, will be interesting to see what happens then.

Jampanda Obviously many haven't bothered to read the thread to find out what has actually been going on. I would stay away from phone calls or they may feel stalked.

I think you're right to drop it. I'm with some of the others - a birthday/Christmas card just to say hi and show them that the door is open if they wish to step through it. You may one day find out what the problem was. If there is no response then, they really don't want to get in touch.

It's actually quite difficult to resurrect a friendship after you're told someone you need a break - you start to wonder whether the friend will still be a friend. Your friend may be wondering if you will be receptive if she does get in touch in the future. Or as someone else said - they may have problems you are unaware of, like illness. It would be a shame to lose friends you like just because they have been through a bad time and needed space to deal with it.

They told you what the problem was; claustrophobia. You were crowding them with unwanted whatsapps. Intrusive.

Talking at people is not communication. Try listening instead.

Lathyrus3
I hadn’t thought that she might think this, although she would always come back with a few suggestions for days in the past. I did think of replying to her text suggesting a few dates but I’m worried that doing so might put her under pressure to arrange a date if she doesn’t really want to.
Elowen33
Perhaps you are right. I wouldn’t have described her as a very close friend but we always enjoyed our get togethers so I feel sad but I guess some friendships have a sell by date as people gain new interests and new friends.
I think I’ll leave it and hope that she might contact me again one day.

She is not ghosting you but is making it clear that she does not want to meet up. I would just accept the friendship is over.

sad grandma I think perhaps she’s interpreting your “get together sometime” “meet soon” as a polite calling an ending to things.

Maybe phone and try to make a more definitive arrangement or if phoning isn’t on suggest “free first week in August?” or something like that.

Am I being ghosted?
I have a friend who I used to meet up with every one or two months for lunch or just a coffee. The last time we met was back in September last year. We exchanged Christmas cards and I send her a text in the New Year to say I hope she had a good Christmas and saying we should meet up soon. She replied that she’d had a good Christmas and wishing me a Happy New Year but no mention of meeting up. Time has flown by as DH and I have both had various health issues and hospital appointments so I haven’t been in touch with her until I sent her a birthday card last week saying long time no see, we must get together soon. sShe has now sent me a text thanking me for my card and hoping I am well but. again, no mention of meeting up. Therefore, I can’t help feeling that she’s stepping away from our friendship which makes me very sad as I know I’ve done nothing wrong. We parted on very good terms last year.
What do you think. Is she ghosting me? Should I try to arrange a get together or will that just make her uncomfortable?

🤣😂 ... yes have been thinking about this whilst planning to book hols with friends 🤩

I can understand how that has happened, but I would send literally a couple of lines on the “chat” every, say, six weeks just saying hi and leave it at that. If they don’t respond after a few months, you’ll know it’s over. It’s a shame but I guess that on a ship you can’t really have separate days out 😬 … Hope it works out.

Give them a ring, you can’t gain much info from text messages. You’ve been really close over the years and id be worried about them. Hope they’re okay.

Maybe Petra but old friends often know us best.

My mother-in-law has a dear friend she has known for nearly 90 years. They have been through so much together and the laughter and joy their (now long distance) relationship gives them is palpable.

It is with her very old friend that my mother-in-law is truly herself.

It’s good that friends come and go. Just imagine if we kept all the friends we’ve ever had 🤷‍♀️

They may be experiencing something personal that they don't wish to discuss.

They were being honest when they said they found it claustrophobic. I would admire and respect that

Give it a little while and phone them asking if they are okay and that you understand?

WhatsApp text chats don’t work for many reasons. Lack of facial gestures which add to communication and convey mood

An old fashioned friendly hand written chatty letter might help.

Don’t give up. Be gentle with them and yourselves.

Pick up the mirror not the magnifying glass.

Personally, my husband and I like to vacation alone. We like to decide what to do and where to go on our own. Other couples may want to do it their way, eat certain foods, go to museums, etc. We like to choose where to eat and when and we take it easy when we go sightseeing. We do vacation with my parents, but their family and they do not judge. Friends are just that, friends. When we’re on vacation, it’s our quality time to spend together. And, we enjoy our privacy.

We went away for years with a couple who were not actually day to day friends but we enjoyed the same things on holiday. We got back and swapped photos and usually went out a month or so later to "re-live". This did not happen and it was about 6 months later we found they had split up.
Had friends for 20 years, every Saturday they came for lunch, we are godparents to their son. We moved away but kept in touch every week . Their daughter invited us to her wedding which we went, lots of fun, but following morning it was as if we did not exist - and sudden silence - they split up and neither wanted to stay in touch, even though they did with a mutual friend.

I think maybe give them a phone call asking how they are. We have close friends we have holidayed with many times over the years and we become very close on holiday and miss each other on return home missing the daily contact. I just wonder if they are ok

Do you think the problem may be theirs, rather than yours? By which I mean that maybe this husband and wife have discovered that they don’t actually like each other very much after a five week cruise together and are struggling with this, which is why they have not been in contact. Just a thought.

I don’t have daily chats with anyone, not even my children 🥲

Allsorts

I wouldn't want a daily chat on what's app personally.

Nor me. My idea of hell. I avoid that type of thing but we joined a Stroke group and that’s the way they share news, dates etc. drives me mad pinging all the time.

I can relate to several elements of this unhappy situation. When our children were tots we met up with another couple with a child the same age and became "lifelong" friends with the entire family. We shared holidays, weekly quiz nights, met wider family, meals out etc etc. Suddenly after abt 30 years, the wife stopped contact with me (she only lived round the corner) and when I asked why she said "You know full well and I am not discussing it". I did not have a clue what she meant and neither did our several joint friends (nor her husband). She now has dementia and I'd love to offer support to her DH but I can't bring myself to.

I made another friend abt 20 years ago having found him researching a branch of my family tree and we were distantly related. We got on like a house on fire, emailed daily, met up with him and his wife many times though we didn't live close. Suddenly the tone of his emails changed - he started to pick me up on things I had said - one example he quoted was that I had said I was much cleverer than my work colleagues. It was totally untrue - what I had said was that I knew more about a particular ASPECT of my work than any of my colleagues due to having a personal interest in that area, but was clear to point out that other colleagues were equally expert in other areas. I got fed up of his constant criticism and ceased the contact.

In later years we went on holiday with another couple (known for decades) and whilst we had no arguments or falling out it became clear that the husband was irritated by us not wanting to be ready for the off every day at the crack of dawn. It became obvious that we weren't good holiday companions.

Then we discovered cruising and made some lovely friends, all of whom have stayed in touch and shared several more (long) cruises together, but we each do our own thing most of the time in terms of on-board activities and shore trips, even eating separately. Nevertheless, we tend to meet up for mid-morning coffee and after-dinner drinks or watching a show together. We also visit each other now and again throughout the year and phone every couple of months. We are all very different people with different life experiences (and financial situations) but we just get along well on our cruises.

Re your friends, I would ring them up - Whatsapp is great but you can't gauge a person's feelings in a message. Just say "Hi, just making sure you are both okay. Hope you eventually recovered from that awful bug. I wonder if you'd like to meet up for lunch sometime, for a catchup?" and see what the response is.

A DAILY chat? What, are you courting?

We went on holiday for several years with our closest friends. We each had our own accommodation and did some things together and some apart. It worked. We “chat” most days but don’t expect an immediate reply, or any reply necessarily. That works too.

We have been away with a couple we've known for years several times. Each time it takes us several months to get over it! We are still very fond of them, and they are good friends but little habits and attitudes become magnified on holiday and we need a while to recover! Maybe being ill didn't help. Usually cruises are good for travelling together because we can do our own thing in the day then meet up for dinner in the evening to share the days news and a show. But what's apping every day sounds a bit much. Maybe give them a break for a while.