Is what I have done so very wrong?.

Do you think it may be hormones if she’s recently had another baby? I know I was easily upset when I was a new young mum! It will pass and things will get back to normal - just be patient and she’ll come round I’m sure

Goodness me, what an overreaction! It is none of your daughter's business to whom you give a gift and thanks. Would she accept censure from you in the same way? She was quite happy to accept the 'gift' of your time and commitment taking your GD to preschool then treats you as an errant servant. As for "all her friends would feel the same", what is she 12? Smacks of the juvenile "all my friends are allowed/going/don't have to" claim children make to their parents.
Now she needs space from you, I wonder if that will last beyond actually needing your help in future, or will she expect immediate compliance with her wishes? People behave in entitled and rude ways because they're permitted to. In my opinion she owes you an apology, pregnancy and/or recent childbirth may play havoc with the hormones but do not excuse downright rudeness and inconsideration. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

Although I did a lot of the ferrying to pre school I never gave any of the staff presents, but I don't think my daughter did either. Possibly she might have taken in a card. But I can't imagine her caring if I had bought a present, She was just glad to have the boys looked after, and hopefully finishing each day in one piece. Presumably this is just the hormones talking, because otherwise it seems very petty.

I think people like your daughter behave in the way they do because they are not challenged enough about their behaviour. Perhaps if she is told she is being ungrateful, entitled and bullying you to her demands, she will have to think about how inappropriately she has reacted to people's good manners and support. If she's not told, stand by for the next verbal and emotional assault.

Yes. I hate the term boundries.....it reminds me of drawing a line of your own invention and then daring someone cross it.
It's bullying others to conform to what they want you to do without exception.
Cross the line and you will be punished. Is it a fair line, or a just line, a kind line or just a plain old line with no meaning other to push another behind it? Is that line a bit narcissistic, authoritarian, and plain bullying?
Many times, it is. And only applies to the person or person's most likely to be afraid to cross it; the ones who care the most.

Absolutely this! My cousins' daughter went low contact with her mother, who was devastated, because she hadn't "respected her boundaries". Setting Boundaries mean that you want everyone to obey your wishes, regardless of what anyone else might want. Based on some fantasy interpretation of what the mother had done in the past, or might do in the future.
I don't know what has happened to young women nowadays, so many of them seem completely flakey.

What is the matter with younger women nowadays? People don't seem to be able to do anything right for them. You have been very kind doing all those school trips for her, what a help! I wouldn't have committed to that.
Of course you did nothing wrong, it's a kind gesture. Perhaps she'll mature once she gets to 40? When I was a headteacher, I did notice that parents seemed to get less OTT after that!
Put it down to pregnancy hormones. Just carry on being kind and hope she calms down. It's very upsetting when they say they "want space" but hopefully she will gradually come round.

CariadAgain

Starfire - I'm never really quite sure what is meant by this word "boundaries" that is bandied around a lot these days. To me - there is "consideration and good manners" on the one hand and "unacceptable behaviour" on the other hand. That's it - job done re describing behaviour.

One can't realistically adapt and adapt again according to what age, sex, nationality, self-identification, etc someone wishes to proclaim themselves to be. Just standard consideration to everyone and obviously don't treat women worse than men and it's "Job Done" and conduct appropriate. We can't turn round to everyone and say "What sex do you wish to say you are? What nationality do you wish to say you are?" etc etc in order to fit in with some personal "code of conduct" they've decided on personally.

Yes. I hate the term boundries.....it reminds me of drawing a line of your own invention and then daring someone cross it.

It's bullying others to conform to what they want you to do without exception.

Cross the line and you will be punished. Is it a fair line, or a just line, a kind line or just a plain old line with no meaning other to push another behind it? Is that line a bit narcissistic, authoritarian, and plain bullying?

Many times, it is. And only applies to the person or person's most likely to be afraid to cross it; the ones who care the most.

As you say, be kind, thoughtful considerate and have respect for others and they you. Simple. No need to draw a line.

When people do abusive, mean things, then that's a whole different thing. But that's not what today's boundries are about; it's more about nit picking and demanding certain behavior, or else.

I see it as a control method. Easily made rules without any consideration that expectations might be too high.

Relationships should not be like being in the military. But many are these days. Too many rules, it's exhausting and stressful and I think it becomes too much. Then comes the estrangement, whether complete or partial, it hurts.

Then they wonder where all the compassionate, caring people in the world went. Well, you would'nt let them be themselves and sent them all away, dummy.

And sometimes the people who seem perfect are, in reality, people who don't actually care all that much.

It's pretty easy to say "I'm here for you"; but harder to get involved and risk messing up because you feel so strongly to try and help someone you care about.

My daughter's hero's are her friends. None of them stayed around, they moved all over the place, but they say they are always there for her. Well, how convinient they are so many miles away.

None of them cried when the bad things happened to her; they just said they were there for her. Nobody tried to help or do something, they just said we are here to listen.

Nothing wrong with all that, but, again, pretty darn easy and doesn't involve much emotional investment.

So sitting and listening. While doing nothing to help. Nor feeling so bad they cry for days. Just carry on with their lives. Wow. Big deal. Easy peasy if you ask me.

Yet mom's cry for days, sometimes years, and they do try to help, even if it doesn't work out, they will try anything for their child.

Then that somehow gets turned into interferring, and making it about them.

That in itself is illogical; if nothing happened to the mom, how could their tears be about them? Since when is extreme empathy a bad thing for a parent to have?

Yeah, I tried to help. Didn't work out. Should have stayed out of it all looking back. Let it be. Stop feeling her pain and just carry on, like her friends. Then maybe I would have been her hero too?

Doubtful. Still would have ended up being a bad mom, because, I cared enough to invest my time and emotions. Wasted time.

Oh, and how cool is it that when one of her friends finally told off her ex, she was a great friend for doing that, but when I did it early on, I was "harrassing" her ex?

See how that works? Inconsistant "boundries" for us parents I guess.

And I liked the guy. He did nothing to me, at all. I should have been his best friend for all the credit I got.

You met staff, you found tgem pleasant, helful saw them doing their job, why can't you acknowledge tgat abd give a Thank You gift. Your DD is way out of line. You do mention a new baby, any chance some post natal depression has kicked in given her extreme reaction?

Alexis

I’m so sorry this has happened because it feels awful when we upset our grown up children. Even when we never mean to do it. Like you I’ve helped with childcare with both of my Grands. And at the end of their time in nursery before they moved up to ‘big’ school I have given a £100 donation and a card. Because the teachers are simply amazing. And I’ve built a relationship with them. And they’ve shown nothing but love and joy to all the kiddies there. My daughter can be sensitive at times but even she thought it a wonderful gesture. We have to be allowed to still be ourselves and behave accordingly when we’re looking after these little humans and following the non negotiable instructions from their parents.

I do hope this calms. It’s a horrid feeling.

Exactly. Any good parent is going to feel dreadful if they upset their kid; no need for ghosting or extreme anger, just the idea we may have upset them is enough punishment. But when they decide to go the extreme anger, threats or ghost route, that's just vindictive. Especially if the parent apologizes.

And they really should let little things slide, because we are not capable to change our whole personality/beliefs/morals or who we are as people, because nobody can, not us or them.

The generation of tolerance and acceptance does neither when it comes to their parents. Guess we aren't human like they are. It's hypocracy at it's finest.

CariadAgain

Starfire - I'm never really quite sure what is meant by this word "boundaries" that is bandied around a lot these days. To me - there is "consideration and good manners" on the one hand and "unacceptable behaviour" on the other hand. That's it - job done re describing behaviour.

One can't realistically adapt and adapt again according to what age, sex, nationality, self-identification, etc someone wishes to proclaim themselves to be. Just standard consideration to everyone and obviously don't treat women worse than men and it's "Job Done" and conduct appropriate. We can't turn round to everyone and say "What sex do you wish to say you are? What nationality do you wish to say you are?" etc etc in order to fit in with some personal "code of conduct" they've decided on personally.

Most trans persons understand that it's not easy for people to break old habits of gendered language.

I’m so sorry this has happened because it feels awful when we upset our grown up children. Even when we never mean to do it. Like you I’ve helped with childcare with both of my Grands. And at the end of their time in nursery before they moved up to ‘big’ school I have given a £100 donation and a card. Because the teachers are simply amazing. And I’ve built a relationship with them. And they’ve shown nothing but love and joy to all the kiddies there. My daughter can be sensitive at times but even she thought it a wonderful gesture. We have to be allowed to still be ourselves and behave accordingly when we’re looking after these little humans and following the non negotiable instructions from their parents.

I do hope this calms. It’s a horrid feeling.

Starfire - I'm never really quite sure what is meant by this word "boundaries" that is bandied around a lot these days. To me - there is "consideration and good manners" on the one hand and "unacceptable behaviour" on the other hand. That's it - job done re describing behaviour.

One can't realistically adapt and adapt again according to what age, sex, nationality, self-identification, etc someone wishes to proclaim themselves to be. Just standard consideration to everyone and obviously don't treat women worse than men and it's "Job Done" and conduct appropriate. We can't turn round to everyone and say "What sex do you wish to say you are? What nationality do you wish to say you are?" etc etc in order to fit in with some personal "code of conduct" they've decided on personally.

Oh boy. The generation today just wants to boss their parents around, and they know they can especailly if the grandparents want to see their grandkids.

You are lucky that maybe this isn't a deal breaker. But start walking on those eggshells, be careful or you will find yourself either partially or totally estranged if she can make other arrangments for help.

I would advise, just say you feel bad you upset her and will not do that sort of thing again without first asking her.

Yes, now we parents must ask please can I mommy to our own stuck up power hungry children.

I say stuck up because they really think they know better, set rules according to what others decide is a boundry (here's a hint....boundries can be any ol thing they can think of) and decide you will comply or bye bye.

Compassion and understanding are not part of the "new boundries" regulation psych laws, if you will.

It's this new psychology of me, me and me. My parents don't matter, heck even my kids don't, if I feel like it, because I'm young and the boss of them all!

Well, one day they will get old and find out, they can be fired too. New bosses will take their place.

All her friends feel the same? If I were to relate your story to my daughter who is around your daughter’s age, she will say that your daughter is very rude to you and needs to get over herself.

Oh dear! You have a relationship with the staff too.
She's probably tired, and will probably forget it. Anyway leave this alone, and time will heal everything.

CS1958….No it is not. I’ve given up trying to figure out young women today.

Go on a nice long holiday and all will be well when you get back. 🌺

Personally I think it was a nice innocent thing to do, you've got to know these people and your not a stranger to them obviously seeing them most days. A thank you card and some biscuits is just a nice gesture of appreciation. Probably sure its hormones and tiredness the root cause!

Ridiculous - you accept your mother's very generous help and then start laying down the law about who your mother can give a gift of a box of biscuits to?

Kats2

No this is not your fault. And wanting space from you is really over the top, when in fact your daughters life wouldn't have been as stress free as it was, without you doing the nursery runs..And to say you’re not a parent seems quite nasty. If I’d said to my daughter do you want me to get a present for the teachers she’d say yes please one less thing for me to worry about..What your daughter really needs to do now is build a bridge and get over herself..

But is that not the crunch. op did not ask her daughter nor did she mention it!! As I said earlier my DIL would have been furious too.

They are very precious about feeling in control

No this is not your fault. And wanting space from you is really over the top, when in fact your daughters life wouldn't have been as stress free as it was, without you doing the nursery runs..And to say you’re not a parent seems quite nasty. If I’d said to my daughter do you want me to get a present for the teachers she’d say yes please one less thing for me to worry about..What your daughter really needs to do now is build a bridge and get over herself..

I think it’s very sad.It should be something to enjoy at the end of the year,little gifts ,thank yous and happy children and Grandparents. What a shame.

She is probably overtired and not really thinking straight at the moment. You did the right thing to apologise even tho you weren't really in the wrong, apart from maybe not mentioning it to her beforehand. Try now to move on - and see if you can help at all with the children over the summer. It's a storm in a teacup and your relationship with your daughter and your grandchildren is precious.

Crikey! Thank goodness my wonderful DIL didn’t react like this when I helped with my DGCs.
On several occasions I took homemade biscuits or cakes in for the nursery staff or teachers with a little card to say ‘thank you’.
In no way was I treading on anyone’s toes and the gesture was always gratefully received.
It just seemed like a natural thing to do.

I think your dd is grossly overreacting; I’d step right back and let her make the first move.

Oh dear I'm sure neither of you wanted this. Maybe you have been a bit full on, maybe she is 'overtired'. You've apologised, leave it for now. Perhaps in a week or two arrange a Brief meeting or phone call. Take it from there. If she is not keen to communicate you must not force it - it just will not work. If friendly then take things Very slowly - to protect both of you.

Can I just say as a preschool teacher in nursery you’ve done nothing wrong. I often get flowers or chocolate from grandparents at the end of term. Even a card and a plant something simple which means the world to me. You haven’t overstepped in my opinion just shown care and gratitude because you care.