Is what I have done so very wrong?.

I understand your being hurt - and so do many others. However, in the end I am sure you mind far more about having a good relationship with your daughter. So if you can, realise you will probably never know why it upset her so much - she lives in a different world - but let it go, and let time go by and be the loving person you want to be.

Your daughter needs to grow up. You gave a ‘thank you and goodbye token’ to people you had a connection with - cannot on any level see the problem with that. I’d let her crack on with collecting/delivering herself - would make her appreciate the support she has been given!

Your daughter is just being rudiculous, paranoid and I'll stop here. May be she's nice otherwise but rides a high hourse about pack of biscuits.

I suspect it is generational, only in the sense that in modern life people seem to feel they have the right to ‘say what they think’. We might not have thought that we should talk to our parents in this way. So it comes as a shock when it happens to us.
You DD was probably straight on her phone to her own social network, who would have agreed with her that it was all completely out of order and telling her that she needed to tell you how she felt. Of course, none of those people are in the room when the message drops are they?
I could have understood this if you had made a very extravagant or showy gesture, but box of biscuits….??
I have deleted some unpleasant messages and sent to us by our DiL 3 weeks after giving birth, as I didn’t think it was fair to either keep or respond to them in the circumstances. But we’ve had a few episodes like this and DS is becoming more like his wife and in his style. It all relates to care of GS. We have absolutely loved building a relationship with him, but are increasingly wondering if we can deal with the stress that goes with it. (We’ve been reminded several times that they’ve got fully funded care for him now.)
These are my step-children and I increasingly feel that I simply don’t want to be spoken to like this. But I would inevitably feel very different if it were my own children.

CS1958 I was appalled to hear how your daughter has treated you when, in my view anyway, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I agree with Pantglas - see how she feels about it all in September.

I cannot understand why anyone thinks CS1958 has in any way "overstepped the mark". Her daughter is treating her as if she were a paid member of staff, rather than a close family member (even in the former case, I think it would be normal to form a friendly relationship with people you interact with frequently). Why on earth should she be expected to consult her daughter about giving a thank you gift?

It seems to me that if you have a parent who is willing and happy to devote a lot of time to caring for your child, you should be eternally grateful, not acting like a hysterical and entitled 15 year old.

NotSpaghetti

They probably can accept up to a certain value Win
I was allowed to accept things up to about a fiver when I was working. It had to go into a "gift record" log.

I don't know about teachers these days but guess it would be the same.

Thank you for clarifying

Oldbat1

You are not at fault at all. Your dd should not dictate to whom you can give a small gift. As an old friend used to say “what a waste of a worry”.

Ah - another valuable little saying learned from Gransnet. Thank you Oldbat1.

As a teacher myself I love to build relationships with other family members. I think it was a lovely gesture in your part and the teachers will have appreciated both gifts as a thank you for all there hard work. I think your daughter will realise this when she has had time to reflect.

Personally I think your daughter is totally over reacting! I think that was very nice of you. In fact I am doing same thing with my grandaughter's playgroup. Why is your daughter so upset and why do youhave to adkher petmission to give a gift?

I think she is a selfish c.w.

Talk about ungrateful.

I’m feeling hurt myself just thinking about your feelings
CS1958.

Yes, give her some space, especially if other favours are needed.

Grandmabatty

I think you did overstep a bit. If your daughter already had given a gift, I think that was enough. Possibly she's a bit hormonal too, having recently given birth. I would apologise profusely to her, and promise you won't do it again.

I don't agree, the biscuits were a general gift to everyone. The daughter is behaving like a spoilt brat.
Sorry, I would give her space, and I would not be collecting the child either in September. I am 68 too, thank God my adult son and daughter are not like her. I would not let mine speak to me like that.

They probably can accept up to a certain value Win
I was allowed to accept things up to about a fiver when I was working. It had to go into a "gift record" log.

I don't know about teachers these days but guess it would be the same.

I agree totally with Witzend

What is all this about buying gifts these days, it is a ridiculous custom. We would not have dreamt of buying presents for our teachers in our days would we?? Why is this necessary now, it has become a competition amongst the children and an expectation from the teachers. Think of the families who just can't do this, how their children must feel. Why can teachers accept presents, when most professions can't i.e. Domiciliary carers etc. It is a type of bribery for popularity in one way or another.

My daughter in law would have reacted exactly the same, I never do anything without asking as she is very precious about anything to do with our one and only granddaughter. Personally I might have written a card, but not have taken a present anyway, but even the cards would have. been wrong in my DFIL's eyes. I constantly thread on eggshells as you can imagine. It is not nice to say the least.

Don’t take it to heart. The Mother daughter relationship is never easy. Working Mums need us but they also feel guilty that someone else picks up children and has relationships with the school and so on. If you have told her she is right and you did overstep (even if you don’t think you did) just move on and let the dust settle. She will realise she needs you soon enough.

Don't worry. She will need you before you will need her! I often buy a gift for grandchild to give to teachers. Daughter says thank you. She is a teacher and it's another thing she doesn't have to think about.

Surely whilst you are yaking your granddaughter to preschool you are 'in loco parentis' even if you weren't what you did was a kind gesture and a lovely thought, don't waste anymore time wondering if you did wrong, you certainly did not 🥰

she is so angry with me saying it's not my place to say thanks as I'm not the parent.

Who DOES this woman think she is, saying 'it's not your place' to her mother, having used her for two years as an unpaid help?

How would you have felt if your mum had taken over like this? It's taking away her role as primary caretaker I feel.

What an extraordinary comment.
The grandmother has NOT taken over; she has helped her daughter by taking and collecting her granddaughter four days a week for two years, because for whatever reason, the daughter was unable to do it herself. She has, unsurprisingly, developed a relationship with the staff . Instead of gratitude she gets a mouthful of abuse from her immature 36 year old daughter. Does she have 'mental health problems', or is she simply rude?
I heard recently how much the behaviour of young children entering school has deteriorated, and if this mother is typical of mothers today it confirms my suspicions that it is the parents who are responsible for the poor behaviour of their offspring, not lack of SureStart or Covid.

Your daughter is being totally unreasonable, it's none of her business to whom you give gifts.

Absolutely bonkers .
What you did was lovely and I would do the same . So clear your mind .

I too made this mistake when I saw how hard the carers worked for my brother with mnd . One carer particularly worked v v hard for no pay on the day of his 50th birthday she just faded into the background to be around for my brother who was no walking talking etc etc .
I sent a card to her to thank for that day and flowers . It made him more relaxed and took the strain off everyone.
His wife went bonkers . Like you she said I’d over stepped. But in my heart I knew my brother appreciated the gesture

Totally agree with Witsend, & very immature. Try not to overthink,I've been in a similar situation

I agree with much of what has been said and think the key thing is to move on and not let it 'fester' in your mind, and this may help her to let it go too. She is probably short of sleep at the moment, which does not help her be balanced and calm. I am so so sad for whywhywhy who was estranged from her grandchildren for 2 years, and whose daughter still does not speak to her. I wish her and the OP a happier way ahead. There is something about mothers and grown up daughters which I do not understand, but seems to be about the daughter trying to escape from the childhood relationship and establish an Adult to Adult relationship with her mother, but not managing to step away enough. Once the mother and daughter have both let go the childhood/mother relationship they can establish an adult/adult relationship which recognises that childhood experience, but moves on from it. Mother can stand back - but daughter needs to find out how to do that too.
Meanwhile, mother has to be super careful not to trigger the unspoken reaction: "I am not a child any more! I can do what I want! I now have the power to get back at you that I didn't have as a child!' Maybe we need a group of people like marriage counsellors, but for mothers and grown up daughters.

Oh dear, it seems that you gave birth to a bit of a conceited princess. Of course you did no wrong in giving a thank you card and biscuits, you had a connection with the staff and it was a lovely gesture.
Just ignore DD, she’ll get over herself in a few days, particularly when she wants something from you 🙄