Is what I have done so very wrong?.

Your daughter has gone completely over the top. It is she who should apologise not you. Your gesture to the staff was a lovely thought and completely the right thing to do.

I can really empathise with you here. I have a 34 year old daughter who I have tried to raise (mainly single handedly) with decent values, manners and work ethic.
To give context, my daughter had a traumatic childbirth and almost died so she has been diagnosed as having PTSD. From my research PTSD can result in a lack of self awareness so currently she is 34 going on 15 in the way that she speaks to me.
Having said that, I do feel that the younger generations no longer rely on parents for advice and back up, since who needs it when they've got social media and google? ( I'm being sarcastic here). I feel that if I did what you did - which in my opinion was a lovely gesture, as I'm an ex teacher - my daughter would have reacted similarly. I'm always treading on eggshells these days and sadly, her husband appears afraid to cross her as well.
My daughter also says things like 'all my friends think / say...' which is a form of gaslighting. Just concentrate on your beautiful granddaughter and know that you are not alone.

Sorry, l just had to add my twopence worth.
I feel angry on your behalf! You sound lovely and caring and l would love you as a grandparent. Your daughter is rude and l think we can make as many excuses as exist for her, but she has behaved very badly indeed. Unfortunately l have had similar experiences done to me and so l know how you feel, it is hurtful and unkind and l'm sorry. You behaved perfectly correctly and whether she has PND or anything else for that matter-she is in the wrong. Try to put it out of your mind if you can as you have done nothing wrong at all! Xx

Caleo

Your daughter seems to be jealously guarding her status as the main person really in charge of the child. I wonder why she is so fearful. This reaction from her must feel to you very unpleasant.
My guess is she needs more than an apology; she needs a lot of reassurance perhaps in the form of praise for her as wife and mother. There is something going on with her.

I agree, there might be something else going on BUT giving her reassurance and saying't it's all OK, there, there will not help her.
It's not OK to treat people like this and getting away with it will not help her. Maybe treating people like this has got her into problems!

Absolutely an overreaction to your kind gesture. I hope at some point you can talk to her and she will see how unreasonable she’s been, and you’re able to move forward. Why would anyone object to kindness?

Goodness me CS1958!
You write as if you have done something wrong. Please stop feeling like that or letting your drama queen daughter make you feel like that.
"For the last 2 years I have taken my granddaughter to preschool 4 days a week"
I know of course you wont, but I'd be so tempted to send her an invoice!!
If you pander to her unreasonableness in this, you are doing neither her nor yorself and especially not your granddaughter any favours.
Let her take her distance. She will be in touch quickly enough when she needs your help.
Not generational, just being normal. Stand your ground.

Your daughter's a bit of a drama queen, isn't she. You have built up a relationship with the staff having seen them so frequently over the last 2 years so you are quite entitled to give them a gift.

If she were my daughter she would be getting a telling off for her attitude!Mine is 44 and would never behave like such an entitled precious one!
You have done nothing wrong but be a helpful considerate mum!

^It is, as your daughter says, not your place.
I know it came from a friendly place but it is usurping your daughter's relationship with the nursery.^

Sorry but I think that's a bit ridiculous. The nursery are never going to confuse the gran with the mother. Nothing the gran does can ever take anything away from the mother of the child.

As far as I am concerned the daughter should be damn grateful she has mum who is able, and willing, to do so much to help her out and stop talking to her about 'her place' as if she is some sort of servant. A bit of appreciation seems to be missing here.

I don't know about your daughter being furious OP, I think in your shoes I would be furious with her for being so ridiculous!! What on earth does it matter that you took in a gift for the staff, after interacting with them over your grandchild for all that time? Your daughter has absolutely no right to be angry, and even though she has just had a new baby, there is no excuse for blowing up at her own mum for something so stupid. I'd be giving her a lot of space, and wouldn't bother making contact until she apologised, although I know you may feel that this is cutting off your nose to spite your face, as it would obviously stop you having contact with the children. Sorry, I'm just SO mad that she thought that this behaviour was OK, but this generation seem to think that they're the only ones who can possibly be right about anything, and really are VERY entitled.

Personally I thought you were thoughtful. As an older man I have two reasons for not understanding your daughters reaction. I hope the ladies on here can help.

Feel reassured Chicken. You did nothing to make her so cross.
I don’t know what is the matter with your daughter just give her some space to realise her mistake. X

You don't need permission from anyone. She's being ridiculous and childish. You are not her staff or a lesser mortal. You're an independent grandmum, who did a nice thing...she should apologise to you!

We have the same issues with our daughter....... it's really like walking on eggshells with her. Almost afraid to comment on anything these days. 🤷‍♀️

V3ra
‘A good childminder, like a good grandparent, will never see a child take their first steps.’

Thank you, definitely something to bear in mind!

CS1958
Your daughter may have been already stressed to over-react like that. Several other factors were probably involved and your gift was, fo her, the last straw. Give her space and time, surely she, and your grandchildren, will still be needing you.

Blimey, is your daughter always hypersensitive like this? Your small gift for the staff at your grandaughter's preschool was totally appropriate and thoughtful. They will have appreciated the gesture and that will be why they mentioned it to your daughter, if that is how she found out. You did not have to tell her what you had done, it was just a small gift to mark your appreciation. I hope your daughter's reaction is just a sign of her stress with the new baby. You did not overstep any mark at all, you have developed a relationship with these caregivers and your daughter should actually appreciate your thought not feel offended by it.

First post nails it!

You have only done what any decent, courteous person would have done, to say thank you to the staff you came to know over time. Your daughter is way out of line and should be appreciative that her mum is so thoughtful to, and considerate of others. My goodness, she would do well to take a leaf out of your book. Whatever is wrong with good manners?

SHE wants space from YOU????? Cheeky madam! I'd give her all the space she wanted if she was as rude to me! You obviously know you haven't overstepped any boundaries, it's a lovely gesture which I'm sure was appreciated by the staff.

She'll soon be talking to you again when she needs a hand in the holidays!

The DDs of today are so touchy and sensitive, my youngest is the same and she’s in her 40s. I know how it hurts and spoils your day but it’s done and when I’m in the dog house I leave her alone to get over it.

…and me, very true

Oh my! What is wrong with your daughter? Her reaction is way over the top. What you did was kind and thoughtful and you didn’t need permission from your daughter to send a card and biscuits to the staff at the nursery. You’ve apologised to her and there’s nothing else you can do. I hope she realises how bad she has treated you after all the help you have given her.

What you've done isn't wrong at all! I'm a similar age to you and DD is 39 and she too can be very precious and prone to this type of flare up. It does make you feel awful, and I don't know why they do it - I wonder if as a generation we were too soft as parents having been subject to very strict post war parenting styles ourselves and they now think they rule the roost! Having said that though her brothers don't behave like this. I am gradually learning to not be riled and just let her vent and then distance myself for as long as I feel necessary. We love our little grandson though so whilst we sometimes feel "enough is enough" we always make sure to keep things as open as we can so as not to cut our noses off despite our faces. Kids eh....!

No you did nothing wrong, in my opinion you did everything right! You have freedom of expression and you exercised it in a lovely, thoughtful and encouraging way. Noone has the right to say otherwise. Keep on being kind, thoughtful and encouraging, we all need it!

Good grief,, I feel so sad that people can get so huffy over a small matter..

just hope it all blows over,, I will apologise even if I don`t feel I have done something wrong, like "I am sorry" and if that helps good.... I am sorry that so small a thing can cause an upset between people... sorry that... oh gosh,, what is it with some people...