Is what I have done so very wrong?.

Hi
Totally agree with everyone else! Maybe your daughter is on a guilt trip! Because you have a better rapport with the staff? Just saying.
I’m always amazed how our children behave when it suits! Not always kind or nice.
Take care.
Let us know what happens in September!

FGS theworriedwell then maybe the OP's D and other children whose parents give up their time to help them with their children should be less sensitive. Or be prepared to pay for help so they can't feel that by doing what they can to help, their children's GP's are trying to take their place.

Having one's cake and eating it springs to mind.

Your daughter seems to be jealously guarding her status as the main person really in charge of the child. I wonder why she is so fearful. This reaction from her must feel to you very unpleasant.
My guess is she needs more than an apology; she needs a lot of reassurance perhaps in the form of praise for her as wife and mother. There is something going on with her.

theworriedwell
I agree.
And I agree it's not generational.
I would have felt the same too.

Also, you are right, we can all feel several things at once...

Grateful and irritated are not mutually exclusive.

I'm.68 she is 36 is this a generational thing?

I'm older than you and I would have felt like your DD so no I don't think it is a generational thing.

Smileless2012

I wouldn't have been cross if my mum had done this. I'd be grateful to her for helping me out; for arranging her day around my child's nursery time because without her I couldn't have managed.

Showing appreciation for the nursery staff isn't taking away her role as primary caretaker. That's ridiculous.

You can be grateful but still feel upset if it feels like grandparents are trying to take your place.

My DD wasn't upset but I asked, if I'd just done it she might have been. I had an interfering MIL and I'd have hated her doing something like this and if she'd had half a chance she would have.

I have 8 GC between my sons and daughter, never had any upset about the children and maybe that is because I make an effort not to overstep as I have experience of how upsetting it can be from the mother's perspective.

This is most unpleasant for you - and surely it should have been a complete non event. You have become friendly with some individuals at the school, and thanked them, with a small gift. You are entitled to your own social relationships, and to behave as you wish. I do hope this is out of character for your daughter as it really is over the top.

I wouldn't have been cross if my mum had done this. I'd be grateful to her for helping me out; for arranging her day around my child's nursery time because without her I couldn't have managed.

Showing appreciation for the nursery staff isn't taking away her role as primary caretaker. That's ridiculous.

I am amazed to find so many not getting that she is the mum and it is her place (and/or the children's father) to thank the staff.

How would you have felt if your mum had taken over like this? It's taking away her role as primary caretaker I feel.

As BlueBelle says "she’s probably a bit sad that she has to get someone else to do the school run when she’d really like to be the full on mum"

So maybe just rubbing salt into the wound?

I don't think it's anything to do with being first either!
That's irrelevant

I am a bit of an outlier here and would have been really cross if my mother had done this. I wouldn't have cut her off but I would have probably been as angry as your daughter.

The arrangement was that you would help out your daughter until she could do it herself.
You may have developed a friendly relationship with staff but it most definitely IS overstepping to give them a gift!

It is, as your daughter says, not your place.
I know it came from a friendly place but it is usurping your daughter's relationship with the nursery.

Anyway, you know now... I see in hindsight I should have

I am shocked at how rude, disrespectful and ungrateful some young people are towards their parents these days. You are clearly a lovely person. I am so sorry to read that your daughter has upset and hurt you like this, it is unnecessary and you don’t deserve it. You did a kind thing with a good heart and with the best intentions. I do hope you are ok.

Lathyrus3

I guess she knows she hold all the trumps ( the grandchildren) so she can play her hand any way she wants, she’ll always be the winner🙁

If any of mine had a tantrum about what I did with my money and who I gave presents to they’d get a pretty sharp reminder about respect and boundaries.

But I don’t have grandchildren…………

Yes, I see this with a friend. The AC treat her in an appalling manner and use the GC as leverage.

Ive had quite a few arguments with my DD probably because Im very outspoken. I go on the theory that my family will need me before I need them. I don't appologise unless I genuinly feel very sorry. To me sorry comes from the heart, not just words.
I dont think you did anything wrong at all OP. She will need you before you need her. Best wishes.

With my DC we have agreed to preface a difficult discussion with ‘you might not like this but I have to say it …’ So we stop, listen and try not to get huffy

A friend of mine used to do exactly this:
"You may not want to hear this, but I need to say it."
Then move on.

You have taken and collected your granddaughter to nursery for 4 days a week for two years and have undoubtedly formed a relationship with the staff, and it was a pleasant gesture to thank them which they will appreciate.
Your daughter's reaction is ridiculous; she should be grateful for all the time you have given willingly and freely, and one where you have formed a slight relationship witht the staff, which is something she should be thankful for. Really, tell her tp grow up; I agree with posters who question what self-obsession is it that adult children feels allows them to abuse their parents who help them.

You haven't done anything wrong, it was a kind gesture. I am baffled by youngsters today and their warped ideas.

I’m not saying that your daughter is the same as mine but when I didn’t ask “how high” when she asked me to jump then I got the wrath of her temper. She dangled the carrot and away I had to go. I didn’t see my two beautiful grand daughters for two years. Long story. Her ex husband stepped in snd brought me back into the girls lives. Sadly I tried everything to get my daughter back into my life. I gave up after five years. We’ve been estranged now for 10.5 years. I never thought my life would be like this. Hugs.

I wonder about your relationship with your daughter. Is she used to being the assertive (bossy) one? Maybe you need to reassert yourself as a person, not Mum or Grandma.
I’m not sure when I started being an AC pleaser but recently I’ve started reasserting myself - saying what I will do, saying no if that’s what I want to do, giving my opinion even if it’s different from theirs. Calmly, non-argumentatively and listening to them too and it seems to be working.
I do remember being jealous of many things as a new Mum - me doing housework while others cuddled the baby, relatives buying better birthday presents than we could afford etc. Thankfully I didn’t say anything and soon realised how selfish that was! No doubt your DD feels she’s missing out and sometimes can’t keep it to herself.
With my DC we have agreed to preface a difficult discussion with ‘you might not like this but I have to say it …’ So we stop, listen and try not to get huffy It’s getting easier over time too, after all we both have D(G)C best interests at heart.
If it doesn’t resolve soon you could ask her to consult Mumsnet - I’m sure she’ll get some forthright views on there!

Total overreaction on her part, she must obviously have a reason but I can't see how terrible a thank you card and biscuits can be? Especially as you've seen these staff members for 2 years, 4 days a week.

I guess she knows she hold all the trumps ( the grandchildren) so she can play her hand any way she wants, she’ll always be the winner🙁

If any of mine had a tantrum about what I did with my money and who I gave presents to they’d get a pretty sharp reminder about respect and boundaries.

But I don’t have grandchildren…………

It sounds as though she is jealous/resentful of the rapport you developed with the nursery staff over the long period you very kindly took and collected your grandchild from nursery. There is no ‘overstepping the mark’. You made a kind and thoughtful gesture as a sign of appreciation.
Your daughter is overstepping the mark treating you this way.
Are you meant to be a silent taxi service.

Say no more and see what happens when she requires your help in the future. Something tells me she will be eating humble pie.

Seems to me that some of today's AC would argue with a lamp post I think you are right Blinko.

It's a strong reaction but to be honest then my GC was leaving nursery in similar circumstances I asked DD if she was getting a gift for nursery, did she want me to get something. I hadn't thought about but I suppose I was thinking I didn't want to step into her space.

You are not in the wrong. You have given a gift from yourself to say thank you. Please don’t beat yourself up. I really don’t understand our kids at times. This has happened to me before and I’ve apologised even though I didn’t think I needed to. Give her some time and space and then get in touch. Hugs to you because it is hurtful and blooming unnecessary!