Is what I have done so very wrong?.

Witzend

Of course there was nothing wrong with it! Your daughter’s reaction is way OTT and frankly bonkers.

Like you, I was very much involved with taking and collecting my granddaughters from pre school/school, and consequently got to know the teachers and we chatted together. My daughter would have been delighted if I’d chosen to leave a gift for them, in appreciation of them caring for my granddaughters. However, my daughter is in her fifties now, and my granddaughters 21 & 17. It would appear that these days new Mums in their thirties have an entirely different view on the grandparents’ role. She sounds insecure and selfish to me. Yes, see what happens in September! 💐

Allira

haxlayport

Whether it's truly wrong depends on your intent, impact, and willingness to make it right.

🤔

She has done nothing wrong.

haxlayport

Whether it's truly wrong depends on your intent, impact, and willingness to make it right.

🤔

I think it was a kind gesture from you and DD needs to grow up you have nothing to apologise for

I would be concerned about your DDs well-being. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologise for

My first baby was 4 months old and I took him to a childminder. I developed an irrational jealousy of the childminder and worried that I would miss his first steps and other milestones.

A good childminder, like a good grandparent, will never see a child take their first steps.

BlueBelle and nightowl I agree.

I remember when I was finishing my college course. My first baby was 4 months old and I took him to a childminder. I developed an irrational jealousy of the childminder and worried that I would miss his first steps and other milestones. I didn't but I think I can understand how your DD may be feeling.

I think BlueBelle has hit the nail on the head. When my children were small my mum did a lot of childcare for us. Being the sort of person she was, she quickly knew all the teachers, other parents, our neighbours and the window cleaner. Being the sort of person I was, I didn’t know any of them anywhere near as well as she did. Although I appreciated all her help, and loved the relationship she had with my children, it did make me feel rather useless and usurped in my role as a mum. I never said this to her, because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful but it did fester and I know I was very snappy with her at times. I think current generations are far more likely to speak out if we upset them, and that is both a good and a not so good thing. Much as I love looking after my own grandchildren, it’s made me very careful not to overstep the mark although I know I have got it wrong on a few occasions (probably more often than I know).

It’s not easy being a working mum, and almost every mum is a working mum now. It’s hard to see someone else doing the things you would like to/ feel you should be doing. Guilt comes with the territory.

I think you did a lovely thing CS 1958, with the very best intentions. You didn’t deserve the response you received from your daughter. But try to understand where it might come from. You know your daughter, would it be worth trying to talk about it calmly when things have settled and trying to understand each other’s point of view?

Your 2 year relationship with the school staff can't be ignored since you're the one who does the drop offs/pick ups, but your D doesn't want to be reminded of that! It probably brings it home to her that she's missing out on stuff.
Not your fault, not your problem and no need to apologise. What you're doing for her is something of great value and she's just behaved very badly, so get yourself some space and let her get over it in her own way.

“what a waste of a worry”

Very good. I'll remember that one!

I agree with Bluebelle. She’s feeling a bit out of control, it’ll be the hormones. Try not to worry, she’ll be back soon enough.

When I worked in early years it was not unusual to get wee gifts or cards from someone who was not the child’s parent, but whom we saw regularly.
I’d say just let it be, and I’m sure normal service will be resumed.

You are not at fault at all. Your dd should not dictate to whom you can give a small gift. As an old friend used to say “what a waste of a worry”.

I was just thinking about when my dad was dying in hospital. Various of the famiy gave thank you cards or gifts to the staff. It was totally up to everyone what they did or didn't do and was reflective of the kind of connection they had or didnt have with the nurses. It feels similar to the nursery staff. You have been involved, you have a relationship, you are the grandmother of your GC. Your DD doesn't own her children, they are part of a wider family and your free childcare help is part of that bigger family love.
As I said before, there must be something else going on. It will come out in the wash eventually. X

I do feel for you. But also wondering if there is a backstory on this...other things that have gone on where your DD feels inadequate/ insecure/ out of control..? Not necessarily anything you have done but others.... am thinking these overreactions usually happen within a context.

You'll always be her mum... let the heat die down..try not to take it to heart but don' t keep apologising either. Goid luck xxx

As for committing to school runs in September, it’s always better to start low than jump in with 2, 3 or 4 days, because it’s easier to add a day and they be grateful later than to reduce one and they be angry.
One day a week is a good start.

I feel angry on your behalf OP, I wish I’d had my mother’s help when my two were little. Her reaction is so unappreciative.
I’d be tempted to say “You’re on your own mate” if asked for further help.

You have taken your gc 4 days every week, that’s an huge commitment, and wanted to thank them for their care of the children. I don’t see anything wrong with what you did, you knew the staff well and you did a kind and thoughtful thing.
Please don’t beat yourself up about it.

Good grief! I'm with witzend and marmight. The fact that she won't speak to you/"wants space" means she really knows she's in the wrong.

Pantglas's comment made me chuckle too.

Maybe it's just new baby and family stresses emotionality and really has nothing to do with you at all. Don't take it personally 💐

Oh the joys of parenthood, they never end! I would have done the same as you. Good luck and try not to worry.

Totally agree with witzend. Your daughter's reaction was ridiculous, to go off the deep end for something so trivial.

In the circumstances I would be very unwilling to do anymore childcare, once your daughter asks again just because with someone acting so OTT over something so small, you would be walking on eggs, always wondering what else you might inadvertently do that could set her off again.

Reminds me of my DD's tantrums when she was 5 and didn't get exactly what she wanted because I wasn't a mind reader.

Maybe when she starts speaking to you again (and she will because she wants your help) explain that you were giving a gift not as a mother but as someone who had seen how hard the teachers worked and wanted to show your appreciation.

Retread

Re the apology - I have a friend who says sometimes you're sorry you've said or done something, for example in this case because it's caused a hooha, but that doesn't mean you're apologising because you think that what you did was wrong It always makes me smile.

A politician's apology might be in order.

"I'm sorry if it caused you upset".

Eat the biscuits yourself next time.

I see it as massive over reaction.

Which it is.

You say she has a new baby, perhaps her hormones are all over the place!

Anyway my daughter is furious won't speak to me, says I have overstepped the mark.. crossed boundaries etc , she is so angry with me saying it's not my place to say thanks as I'm not the parent It's ruined my weekend,.she wants space from me now

Give her space. I imagine she'll come around.