Is what I have done so very wrong?.

For heaven's sake, hasn't your daughter got better things to do with her time than bear a grudge against you? What about all the help you have given her – four days a week over two years is a lot of your time. How about your daughter shows some gratitude instead of getting territorial? Of course you have done nothing wrong. What you did was an act of kindness and generosity.

I wonder if the OPs daughter has graciously forgiven her daughter now she has need of childminding services again?

Your daughter is being absolutely ridiculous. If my mum had done it, I’d think it was lovely. All this talk of boundaries is nonsense. She really needs to get over herself.

She’s seriously annoyed that you’ve done something nice for someone?

SuperNana57

You realise with hindsight you shouldn’t have done this. I am sure your daughter will accept your apology and you can move on.

Why shouldn’t she have ?
The OP had a lengthy relationship with staff.
Her daughter is throwing an unnecessary wobbly, why cause such upset

You realise with hindsight you shouldn’t have done this. I am sure your daughter will accept your apology and you can move on.

It sounds like your gesture came from a kind and sincere place, and it’s unfortunate it caused hurt. You’ve acknowledged her feelings and apologized, which shows maturity and love. It may be partly a generational or sensitivity difference, but emotions can run high around parenting roles. Give her the space she’s asked for, and hopefully with time she’ll see your intentions were good.

Personally, I’m not sure I’d have done that but honestly, where’s the harm…..you’ve done nothing wrong at all. It’s a lovely gesture and the staff will appreciate it I’m sure. What I think has happened is that (tut tut) you’ve stepped outside the ‘box’ that she puts you in. All she wants is for you to help her out and I believe she doesn’t want to acknowledge the personal impact that help has on you or face up to the fact that you are doing childcare that is traditionally thought of perhaps as a parental role. Perhaps that makes her feel guilty, jealous…I don’t know….but your action acknowledges that you do take an important role in the childcare. I would not back down. I would explain how you feel. I know I’ve been harsh but I think this goes on too much. Parents working to gain two salaries which (and I know it’s not always the case) gives them disposable income and a more than comfortable lifestyle, whilst grandparents are treated as little more than ‘staff’. Stand your ground,

"As for needing space from you - that's melodramatic"
She would get space from me alright. No more childcare from me, I am sick of adult children behaving like diva's and being so ungrateful.

It's almost as if your daughter is treating you like the hired-help / 'domestic' where you are there simply to do a job and not mix socially with those with whom you come into contact.

You built up a relationship with the pre-school staff in your own right, as grandparent - as it was your grand daughter's last day, you won't be seeing them again. Why on earth should you not be allowed to spontaneously give a small gift to those people you've got to know over two years? You are part of the child's family.

I don't understand why your daughter is so angry at such a simple, low-key, civilised gesture.

As for needing space from you - that's melodramatic.

It seems like one of those "no good deed will go unpunished" situations. They do say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions!

When your daughter has recovered, ask her why she was so offended by your gesture.

You are a lovely gran to do what you have been doing for your grandchild and a lovely mum to help your daughter out.
Giving biccies and a card is just what I would expect somebody nice like you to do.
Am sure the staff really appreciated it.
I think your daughter is being unreasonable though not sure why. I don’t think is generational inasmuch as we gave a box of chocs to the staff at my grandsons nursery when they were really understanding and got the children to make a big get well soon card for said grandson when he had surgery at GOSH and of course his parents were too rushed off their feet to think about it. My daughter and her husband thanked us profusely, as did the staff.

Your daughter has totally overreacted in my opinion. I am 69 and my daughter is 38. If I did this at my granddaughter’s nursery, my daughter would just say ‘that’s nice’ and move on. Why such a big fuss? You are a wonderful grandmother, picking up and dropping off for two years. She should be more grateful. Of course you have got to know the staff after that time, I think it was very kind of you.

I wonder if said mother shows appreciation to her mother for stepping in with all the toing and froing? Part of me suspects that maybe not.

I just don't understand why some people don't think you can hold two feelings as once -
e.g deep and sincere gratitude
AND
deep frustration and annoyance.

Why is it one or the other?
Why can't somebody appreciate someone and be annoyed at the same time?

A massive overreaction from your daughter.

You did absolutely nothing wrong! I think it was lovely of you to give the staff a thank you gift. (A box of biscuits is always a welcomed gift by teachers.). After all, you were taking and collecting your grand-daughter to/from school!

I am not tech in any way but that’s how it reads to me

Is the response from AI haxleyport actually artificial intelligence ?

haxlayport

Ai Homework(https://homeworkifyofficial.us/): Judging by a Grans net thread titled “Is what I have done so very wrong?” (with ~60 posts), doing a sincere gesture (like giving biscuits and a card to preschool staff without telling your daughter) can be seen as overstepping even if well-intentioned and might upset loved ones unexpectedly

Overstepping what, pray?

What line is there anywhere to say a grandparent delivering and collecting a grandchild cannot show appreciation to the teachers with a few biscuits and a card?

How does this infringe on the mother's "rights"? She can show her appreciation to the teachers too.

I wonder if said mother shows appreciation to her mother for stepping in with all the toing and froing? Part of me suspects that maybe not.

Are you sure there aren’t other possibly very small things you have inadvertently done over the years that have upset your dd. This is not to apportion any blame to you but just wondering if she is that kind of person you have to be careful with? Sometimes it’s like walking on eggshells with my dd. Idk if that’s a factor but I would never dream of doing something as you did without asking first if it was ok. When it comes to gc I always ask and respect her as a parent leaving her in control.

I don't see anything wrong with that, but I let out a family secret to my G.D. which I thought she already knew about but did'nt. My D. and I have'nt spoken for over 10 years. They're really touch these days.

CS1958

I have upset my daughter terribly and feel dreadful.
For the last 2 years I have taken my granddaughter to preschool 4 days a week and up until April this year I also collected her. Her mum has been able to collect from April.
So I have a relationship with the staff albeit small talk as clearly her mum is key contact.
Today.is my granddaughters last day, and whilst her mum.has bought the staff a thank.you gift,.I gave them a thank you card from.me along with a box of biscuits I made it clear it was from me thanking them for all the work they do for ALL the children which I see when I'm there. I made no reference to my daughter or granddaughter.
I genuinely thought it was a simple.and sincere gesture to.say goodbye to people I've known over the past 2 years.
I didn't tell.my daughter i was doing this, not for any reason other than were all busy, she had a new baby and there are other family stresses ..
I see in hindsight I should have, but I simply didn't think.
Anyway my daughter is furious won't speak to me, says I have overstepped the mark.. crossed boundaries etc , she is so angry with me saying it's not my place to say thanks as I'm not the parent
It's ruined my weekend,.she wants space from me now .
I see it as massive over reaction. However I have apologised.and am sincere.in that apology as I had no idea it would create such upset .
She says all her friends would feel.the same..
I'm.68 she is 36 is this a generational thing?

I understand you were just being kind and thoughtful. It wasn’t meant to overstep, just to show appreciation. Hopefully with time, she’ll see that too.

RillaofIngleside

What is the matter with younger women nowadays? People don't seem to be able to do anything right for them. You have been very kind doing all those school trips for her, what a help! I wouldn't have committed to that.
Of course you did nothing wrong, it's a kind gesture. Perhaps she'll mature once she gets to 40? When I was a headteacher, I did notice that parents seemed to get less OTT after that!
Put it down to pregnancy hormones. Just carry on being kind and hope she calms down. It's very upsetting when they say they "want space" but hopefully she will gradually come round.

The young women in my life, DD and partners and an ex partner of my sons are all great. All very grateful for the help I provide or provided when the children were younger. I respect them and they respect me.

Smileless2012

FGS theworriedwell then maybe the OP's D and other children whose parents give up their time to help them with their children should be less sensitive. Or be prepared to pay for help so they can't feel that by doing what they can to help, their children's GP's are trying to take their place.

Having one's cake and eating it springs to mind.

Good grief I don't expect people to be "less sensitive" because I'm lucky enough to spend lots of time with GC, well the 20 year old and late teens are away at uni so not so much time with them anymore but they phone all the time and I get invited to go and visit which is lovely.

Lots of access to GC plus expecting their parents to tiptoe round you sounds very much like having your cake and eating it.

GrannySue2010

Do you think it may be hormones if she’s recently had another baby? I know I was easily upset when I was a new young mum! It will pass and things will get back to normal - just be patient and she’ll come round I’m sure

Sorry but that's what I thought too. No, this isn't hormones I am afraid. Nor lack of maturity. Well into her 40s and my daughter is worse not better.

StoneofDestiny

I think people like your daughter behave in the way they do because they are not challenged enough about their behaviour. Perhaps if she is told she is being ungrateful, entitled and bullying you to her demands, she will have to think about how inappropriately she has reacted to people's good manners and support. If she's not told, stand by for the next verbal and emotional assault.

You are quite correct. Problem is the power they have when grandkids are in the picture. That's where I am now...although I cry all the time over her, I have reached a point where I wouldn't mind never seeing her again. But I adore my grandkids and that would be too much to lose. So telling her off isn't on the table. So I stay silent. But I do correct any of her misconception or incorrect accusatioms or digs. I defend myself because I really feel she's looking for reasons to totally estrange and I refuse to hand those to her on a silver platter.

RillaofIngleside

Yes. I hate the term boundries.....it reminds me of drawing a line of your own invention and then daring someone cross it.
It's bullying others to conform to what they want you to do without exception.
Cross the line and you will be punished. Is it a fair line, or a just line, a kind line or just a plain old line with no meaning other to push another behind it? Is that line a bit narcissistic, authoritarian, and plain bullying?
Many times, it is. And only applies to the person or person's most likely to be afraid to cross it; the ones who care the most.

Absolutely this! My cousins' daughter went low contact with her mother, who was devastated, because she hadn't "respected her boundaries". Setting Boundaries mean that you want everyone to obey your wishes, regardless of what anyone else might want. Based on some fantasy interpretation of what the mother had done in the past, or might do in the future.
I don't know what has happened to young women nowadays, so many of them seem completely flakey.

Flakey is an understatement. They've hardened their hearts because they hear too much about "toxic parents" and how they didn't ask to be born so they don't need their parents once they become inconvenient in any way.

It is a form of self centered and whether or not it was intended to create family division, modern therapy tries to focus so much on self that throwing away family is always a way to do that if they give you any trouble. No matter how minor. It is about obeying, completely.

Your poor cousin. I know what she is going through. Wish I had the answer on how to fix it.