Housework in your home

Sad reading this, my DH died 5 years ago having just retired , how often do you have to dust ?? vacuum ? as long as the toilets are cleaned and the sinks and worktops wiped over thats all that matters, get out there enjoy don't stress over all this stuff, ask yourself does it really matter , lifes too short , I'd give the world to have him even if he never lifted a finger

My husband does hoovering but doesn't do round the edges, underneath furniture or the tops of skirting boards. I'm not complaining, if he didn't do it nobody would. He also does the dishwasher.
I do the cooking, the shopping, the kitchen cleaning and sorting, and the bathrooms. Neither of us is keen on washing floors unfortunately, but one of my sons does ours when they're too dirty for him to overlook!

This cartoon was about young parenthood, but the point is the same.
A woman has her feet up on the sofa reading a magazine. Chaos reigns all around, including a crawling baby happily emptying a bookshelf. Husband walks in, looking aghast.
Caption: Oh darling, I just thought that if I spent the day doing what you think I do, you might get to see what I do normally do.

I am also having difficulty getting my husband to help with household tasks now he's retired, he's had 40+ years of me doing it all as I only worked part-time so it's hard to change old habits. We did draw up a list of who would do what and how often but he doesn't stick to it. There's always something more interesting to do, and he loses track of how long it has been since that task was last done, plus he doesn't seem to notice the dirt! If I remind him, he says I'm nagging! OP you have my sympathy.

Mine hoovers and cooks meals, bakes and makes jam. I do most of the rest because, tbh, he doesn't do it to my standard. He does the garden and takes care of the accounts/money side of things. I'm the one who goes out if he doesn't want to. He's 73, I'm 68. He's not going to change

You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself. Leave him to his own devices and do what suits you. That seems to be working for me.

My husband does the garden, and all the cooking. We shop together as we enjoy it. I do hoovering and most cleaning. Somehow we've cobbled together something that works.

I get annoyed as I find myself doing everything at home. He has mostly lost his mobility but I have to remind him that he hasn’t made ME a hot drink but am expected to do everything for him. He COULD do more but won’t. He won’t change now he is in his late seventies. He has an older sister who looked after him - the ‘golden child’. It’s sad.

butterandjam

All our life together we've shared childcare and housework, DIY and gardening.Today, he made breakfast, stripped and changed the bed, made bread and a cake, washed up lunch; I washed up breakfast, made lunch, and advance cooked tomorrow's lunch because we'll be out all morning. I put the bedding in the washer, he dried it and put it away. Sharing chores is such a long and seamless habit we never bother to discuss who's going to do what or when. We both replace loo rolls, clean lavs, put the dirty laundry in basket, put out the rubbish,plan meals, cook, and there's a running shopping list stuck on the fridge that we both add to. Whoever goes shopping takes the list from the fridge.

Yes, I think sharing of housework and chores, etc needs to be established from the start, and if it going to work in retirement. Very difficult to get out of old habits. This even more so for those who never had a job outside the home/family.

In our case, I always did everything in the home and later with the children, for 8 years. This is not because DH was sexist, or unfair, but because I didn't have an outside job, and he worked such long hours, often having to live at his place of work for nights and week-ends on top of day job. When your partner works 135 hrs a week, and you don't- you don't ask him or her to share the houseworl when he or she finally comes home, needing a complete rest. And when I went to full time Uni, with 2 young children (when youngest started school)- he still worked about 90 hours, including 1 night and 1 week-end in 3 or 4 - on top of very long days, ad still plenty of professional work to do at home.

We got help with housework then, and occasional help with after school childcare if our professional duties clashed. But still I did most of the organising, childcare and home/garden, because my hours, full time, were a lot less than his.

Now we have retired- I still do most of it- decorating, housework, gardening ... again, not because he is sexist or unfair, but I've always done it all and it sticks. He does his own ironing, and will help if I ask nicely. But the pattern is set. If always had a friend cleaner even when I stopped working, and when we moved But she retired and was not replaced. Perhaps I should find someone again- or get someone in to do some of the difficult jobs liks windows and walls/ceilings, etc.

He will come with me shopping if I ask- but if he goes, he forgets the list and comes home with all the things he gets tempted with and none that was on the list!

If he is just retired he may be finding it hard to adjust. He may be missing the routine and the company - plus the reason he got up every morning. If he has been getting up early for work every morning then he will probably carry on doing so. It took me ten years or more before I adjusted my clock to 6.30 but I still wake up at a.m. I was doing that for 40 years - it's not going to just switch off. Sounds like you have always had different routines.

Going to the shops may be his way of meeting people, even if just to say hello to.

DH still gets up at 5 am - by the time I get up he has emptied the dish washer and restacked with any dirty dishes, watered the pots and done a few other bits and pieces. I now get told how to stack the dishwasher so I leave to to him. If he's a techie type maybe get him working on things like the dishwasher and build it up from there.

DH does most of the housework except the cooking, the laundry, the bathrooms and the kitchen, the finances and the shopping of clothes and sundries for both!! He is wonderful.

As they’d say if this was on Mumsnet - LTB. You’re worth more respect than this.

Could you go out for a walk together? Are there any chores you could do together so that he can learn.
Sounds like he has executive function difficulties. If he likes routine give him a new one. Work out what needs doing when and put up a rota. If he’s an early riser he could get a wash on and out on the line before you are up.
Could he learn some recipes on his tablet to follow and do some meals during the week?
How about an online food shop so you can agree on what to order? You could still buy fresh locally.
Doesn’t sound like it will be easy to change things. Good luck.

Oh crikey. This is about so much more than housework …

He just gets distracted- that’s it, can’t multi tasks like us women do
Everything has to be thought out and weighed up.
His passions are motorbikes, tennis & cars
I have hobbies but he says “ but your not passionate about them”
He plays tennis still and is physically fit (odd niggle) goes on his motorbike which is so so fast(think of motorbike racing on tv) and I know he can ride it but I don’t like him going out on it now because I know his awareness is not the same(mainly because he’s bloody looking at other cars)

The bloody kitchen is still the same as it was when we bought the house, no interest !
Yet he’s been looking at sports/fast cars around 18k cash
The house is not his priority as long as he can get out on his bikes, tennis and coffee he’s happy
Me- not so , if I don’t do it, it gets left or I’ll do it . My home is my relaxing safe place , I think it stems from being brought up by my mum on her own after my dad died very young and mum really struggled in the 60’s with 6 children . Life was hard , no money some days for a meal or lighting . Club men knocking at the door and having to say mum not in. She did an excellent job when I look back and I could not of coped
Where as dp dad own business , mum worked part time. Owned their own house in the late 50’s .3 kids . No hardship totally did up bringing , holidays , did things as a family
This is where I get my get stuck in from because us girls did all the jobs around the house

I’m not talking to him at the moment either
because he told me to sell/get rid of an exercise bike that was stuck in the spare bedroom doing nothing but hanging washing on. I did and a guy asked for it, when I asked what time should I tell him to calm for it I got met with
“ you want me to decide now, I’m chilling (on internet)
So I just said “ so I tell him your chilling then” he never spoke after that
Next morning acts like nothing been said
“ tell the guy he can come at 4pm “

He changes his mind like the bloody weather
He will under no circumstances ask me what’s wrong, Will just carry on his day
He will no longer discuss anything incase in turns into having words

I never do housework on a regular basis. I think it's boring as it doesn't last 5 minutes so I do it if I feel (a) I want to - which is rare! (b) someone is about to visit (c) even when I can see the dust! We have people in and out a fair bit and have had no comments to date - probably just tactful!

Do you have set meals on the other days of the week, too? Perhaps your husband is bored with having Chilli every Thursday. Can he cook? Could you leave him a recipe for something and let him do it?

As I mentioned in my previous post, my husband wants to go out for coffee every single day, something he would never have done prior to his diognis of Alzheimers. He likes me to go with him
so I do that, more often than not I would prefer to remain at home. He has always been a creature of habit but now his daily routine is on a different level!

Wait till the holiday season is over and then rent a holiday home for a month ( it’ll be cheaper). Go and live on your own and see if you like it.

You can still meet up with him for coffee.

It’ll do him good too.

I think changing people at 70 won't work.

Just make the list the night before and clean what is most important to you.
... at least he's hoovering!

I can be talking to him and he’s on his tablet or mobile and he can’t even look up
I know he’s not listening - switched off

Lots to think about in your post Foden but on this particular point does your husband listen to things on a gadget through his hearing aids?
Mine does and he is totally oblivious if I randomly speak to him.
I have to get his attention first, then he has to disconnect, by which time the moment's often passed if it was just a throwaway comment 🙄

Thanks ladies for sharing

A lot to think about here
I know I have higher standards than him and possibly things arn’t as important to him
It’s just so hard to accept/live with that I’m the only one that can see it / care about it

I know he has an ocd thing as everything becomes a routine to him
Say we’ve had chilli on a Thursday, the next week I’ll say what shall we have for tea
We have chilli on Thursday!
Get to 4.30pm he’s in the kitchen getting knives/forks out, veg cut up to start tea at 5pm
If I don’t rise, he will say “ what time we having tea” or in the past has said “ shall I do my own, I’ll have beans & toast”

I could go on ! Sometimes I don’t think we’re compatible as I can’t be a mother to him , he’s an intelligent person but no common sense whatsoever

I’ll try some of the suggestions but in a way I already know I’m on a losing battle or will get done for a week then stop
I know I don’t want to carry someone who is more physically capable than me and be his mother/ housekeeper just because going out everyday for a coffee is more important and can lay in a bed that’s not been washed or re-made week after week

Perhaps I’m asking too much ?
Want too much ?
What I do know is, I’m doing more on my own everyday because I don’t just want to go out for a coffee

You know, if he were to disappear from the scene you might find out how much he actually does 😬 And vice versa of course.

When I became the single householder I realised that the fairies do not empty the bins and put them out or clean the kitchen after my messy cooking. Or a load of other trivial stuff that was now all mine and needed doing😬

Seriously, why not get a cleaner?

Foden, there is a possibility that you DH has memory problems. Perhaps he promises to do something and then immediately forgets. He wants to go out every afternoon, again this might happen because he has is unable to remember he went out yesterday! Same thing with him shopping everyday. Lost on his own world on his tablet - everything you have mentioned sounds very familiar to me , ( my husband has Alzheimers Disease ) you have just described my husband, although he is considerably older than yours. Your DH may or may not have dementia but it is worth giving it some thought. Last week my DH went to the shop for milk and came home with a loaf of bread! He wants to go out every day for a coffee. Jobs he has always done he can manage - lawn cutting being one of them . Any thing new is difficult for him . Since we had a diagnosis things have become clear, it is not easy but I now understand what is happening things are a little easier. I don't wish to cause you distress and recognise your DH may simply be unable to change! However your message has rung a few bells for me. At times I feel like I am living with a man child! I love him dearly and we manage.
I couldn't read and move on and hope I haven't caused you anxiety. Good luck.

We have always specialised in what we are best at. I cannot function if my environment is not tidy and organised, while DH is untroubles by such considerations.

On the other hand, DH is only happy when he has a screwdriver in his hand and is fixing stuff, so I have run the house and he has, over the years installed 5 kitchens, rewired two houses to approved regulations. He has installed bathrooms, replaced windows and doors etc. You get the picture. We are both happy with this.

In our 80s we are downsizing to a project house, DH has severe heart problems, so most of the work will be done for us, but he has drawn up all the plans and submitted them to the planning authority, he is busy collecting various craftsmen. Meanwhile I am looking at curtains paint and wallpaper.

It works very well for us. We have a much better house than we could afford because of DH's work and what he makes look nice, I keep that way. I might add I am totally cack handed and I am not trusted, quite rightly, to do more than occasionally hold the end of a tape measure.