Housework in your home

Perhaps make the shopping list together the evening before?
Chat about sharing housework - maybe a His n Hers agreed list, if it’s getting to you?

They say opposites attract. Maybe your standards are just higher than his? Nothing wrong with that - you are two separate people.

But it’s definitely bugging you. You’ve got your dander up about it all.

Conversation is key here. Good luck.

Just stop doing so much Foden7. Tell him you will work at housework for exactly the same amount of time he does each day, and when he stops, you stop too. He’ll soon notice what hasn’t been done, so you can share the labour to put it back to how it should be - but you only work when he does.

There are times in a partnership when one does more than the other around the home - times such as sickness, one person out working full time when the other isn't - things like that.

If both are at home and are of equal health then they should both be doing their bit - otherwise the one doing all the graft is being used.

I once wrote a list of chores that needed doing daily, weekly, monthly etc.
And showed DH.
Surprised even myself at how long the list was.

Situation is different here as DH[and me to a certain lesser extent] still works.
But intend, in later years to dig out the list again.

Trouble is, and I expect it is the same with your DH, he wont mind eg some uncleanliness, to be left undone.

All our life together we've shared childcare and housework, DIY and gardening.Today, he made breakfast, stripped and changed the bed, made bread and a cake, washed up lunch; I washed up breakfast, made lunch, and advance cooked tomorrow's lunch because we'll be out all morning. I put the bedding in the washer, he dried it and put it away. Sharing chores is such a long and seamless habit we never bother to discuss who's going to do what or when. We both replace loo rolls, clean lavs, put the dirty laundry in basket, put out the rubbish,plan meals, cook, and there's a running shopping list stuck on the fridge that we both add to. Whoever goes shopping takes the list from the fridge.

MrJ is more thorough than me with some chores, but we’re both pretty laid back, bathrooms and kitchens are clean, always, other areas may have to wait. There are more interesting things to do some days, read, meet people, make phone calls, laugh together.

To be honest when my partner does any housework I end up redoing it anyway as his idea of cleaning something isn’t mine ( and I’m not particularly houseproud). As for the shopping every day, sounds to me as if he’s a bit lost and missing the routine of getting up and going to work. I do sympathise about the morning bit, though. We don’t live together but when we are it drives me nuts that I get woken up a couple of hours before I want to wake up.

butterandjam

All our life together we've shared childcare and housework, DIY and gardening.Today, he made breakfast, stripped and changed the bed, made bread and a cake, washed up lunch; I washed up breakfast, made lunch, and advance cooked tomorrow's lunch because we'll be out all morning. I put the bedding in the washer, he dried it and put it away. Sharing chores is such a long and seamless habit we never bother to discuss who's going to do what or when. We both replace loo rolls, clean lavs, put the dirty laundry in basket, put out the rubbish,plan meals, cook, and there's a running shopping list stuck on the fridge that we both add to. Whoever goes shopping takes the list from the fridge.

Sounds absolutely marvellous!

In 45 years of marriage, my husband's never cleaned the toilet, mopped a floor, hoovered the bedrooms or cleaned the bath. I did it all, even when I worked full time,and after having a stroke 4 years ago. He retired 2 years ago so will do the odd thing at home now. Can you afford to have a cleaner occasionally? (I wish I could)

Foden 7 If you think you can change things you are living in Cloud cuckoo land !

He does the garden ( we have a large one) and I see to the house and do the washing, ironing and most of the cooking. We do the shopping together and he does any jobs in the house that requires kneeling eg cleaning the shower. It works for us.

You need to agree on a few jobs that both of you will do.We still both work but he’ll vacuum, put bins out, empty bins around the house, clean the car and his van, shop, empty and stack the dishwasher and make various lunches/ meals.I do the other stuff.

From what you say here I would suggest that to make any changes, you first of all have to think what matters to you, and what would really annoy you to see not done or left for days on ends. I have to have clean clothes and be clean myself and a clean bed. Obviously it is important to prepare food in hygenic circumstances, but dusting is not important, nor is washing the car, or washing windows whilst they are still clean. etc

Once you have worked out what gets under you skin and irritates you, it will become clear where your efforts need to go. So if he takes no notice or makes empty promises then perhaps being hit in the pocket will make him aware of the situation. If he doesnt pull his weight then you should not be doing everything instead. So for example you might decide that the windows DO need cleaning. OK you do them this time. When you think they need doing again, pay someone to come and do them. The same with food. You get the shopping and make a meal and wash up. He has contributed nothing. So there are several things you could do then.
!. Make a meal for both of you, but do not clear the table or wash up and just leave it there. When he asks why the mess is still there you state you have made the meal it is his job to clear up. There is going to be no more where you do it all. Doesnt matter who does what so long as you share the effort. 2 If there is something you dont like doing dont do it and just state firmly that is his job. You have to be prepared to stick it out though and not give in. So the dirty pots stay in or by the sink until he does them. He makes no effort to wash up. OK then you only cook for yourself or better still go out for fish and chips or for a meal in a restaurant, of course paying for it from a joint household account.

The waking up situation. You choose the most comfortable room and bed and inform him that he can sleep anywhere else that he likes - making his own bed etc and that if he disturbs you again in the morning you will have nothing to do with him for the rest of the day and stick to it. Go out for the day, or just carry on doing your own things and ignore him. If he does it again then you reciprocate. does he like to listen to a programme or watch tv at a particular time? Then switch the hoover on or sing or bang about , or turn the tv over to another programme before he comes in and hide the remote. When he gets annoyed and asks why you are behaving like this, you say well that is how you make me feel in the morning. I have asked you nicely and now you are getting a taste of your own medicine, and every time you do it in the future I shall retaliate!

So if this sounds too awful a way to behave, or too extreme, you are only making him see how his behaviour affects you. If you still care about each other you can find a way to work something out to make life a little better. Trade things. If he doesnt wake you up in the morning, you will not put the radio on over match of the day. But if he is so keen to get up he can do some of the jobs and start getting the breakfast ready.

This might be enough of a shock to make him realize you are deadly serious and that he needs to alter his behaviour. If there is absolutely no effort made and life continues like this , then I am afraid if it was me I would be looking to leave and live on my own. We only have one life and if there is no give and take but just endless take you are going to be miserable or upset or angry every day and this could end up with you becoming ill . If you ended up living apart, you could still have some relationship in a better way as it would not be 24 hours a day, but even if sadly that did not happen, I would think that whilst you would wish with all your heart that it was different, if it cannot change then you must think how you can live at peace and be able to relax. For me ,a bed sit that was how I wanted it and the choice to do as I wished , without causing problems for anyone else, would be better than a mansion with endless upset and stress every day.

Perhaps you could in a way try it out, by thinking of something that you enjoy, but which you dont share with your husband, and then find a course somewhere where you could go for a couple of weeks and see how it goes. You would meet other people with a similar interest to yourself, see how you got on in a very different environment, and just try to enjoy the writing or drawing or whatever you choose to do. Dont dwell on the situation at home, just try and see how being in this different environment makes you feel. When you come to go home, I think the way you feel about going home will tell you a lot , so you will find out if you missed him a lot despite all the problems or do you feel uptight and anxious about going home? You may think what I am saying is very extreme and would not be what you want to do, but that is fine. The point is to look at the situation and make a decision as to what is right for you and follow that and not just feel you are stuck with things that cannot be altered until the day you die. I hope that some of these ideas may be of some use to you and even if you do something totally different or even remain in the situation you are now in, that you will have chosen to stay or go, not just feel helpless and unable to change your life. Wishing you all the best in the future

My DH has never pulled his weight at home. First of all he is dreadfully slow at EVERYTHING. I have shown him how to do things more speedily but it goes in one ear and out the other. So in a couple of hours I have done ten jobs at 12 minutes each and he has done one or two (at most). And he will always have a reason for this. It has been like this for 54 years. I have tried going on strike with certain jobs but he simply doesn't mind dirt and mess. He would never dream of cleaning a fridge or mopping the kitchen floor. We have separate bedrooms and I bet he hasn't changed his bed at all this year - and it doesn't bother him one jot. His bed is also piled high with worn clothes, as is the floor (ignoring the chair I bought him to put his things on overnight).

I even have to remind him to shower every few days or get his hair cut. In fact I usually end up cutting it for him. But he'd be equally happy if I didn't bother. He calls it being "laid back" while I call it "lazy".

The house was cleaner when we had two children.

Now he is bordering on disabled so it will never improve. I tried persuading him to move from our 5-bed detached but he wouldn't even talk about it. "Never" was his answer.

I now do all the gardening and household jobs don't get done. It's very stressful on me, but too late to do anything about it, as I couldn't leave.

As a generalisation, I think men often have a different mindset. Women especially of our generation, often have lived juggling stuff and looking at how we can get the bigger picture sorted as quickly as possible, so we don’t pick and choose…..we have historically just rolled up our sleeves and done everything that’s needed. My husband doesn’t see things like that and can for example, spend hours watering the garden but not even register that the borders are full of weeds! Or he can clean the shower but not look and see that the washbasin needs cleaning too…It’s easy to interprete that as he just does what he wants to and leaves the rest but actually I think he just see things differently to me.
I’ve concluded though that at this stage in our lives, we need to be accepting of each other. Life’s events have coloured us and we are often unexpectedly,very different people to those we were years ago. Perhaps we have to decide how important a lot of these things are, let a lot of it go…..and focus on the positive, so that we can enjoy life together.

MayBee70

To be honest when my partner does any housework I end up redoing it anyway as his idea of cleaning something isn’t mine ( and I’m not particularly houseproud). As for the shopping every day, sounds to me as if he’s a bit lost and missing the routine of getting up and going to work. I do sympathise about the morning bit, though. We don’t live together but when we are it drives me nuts that I get woken up a couple of hours before I want to wake up.

My DD tells me that doing housework so badly that it needs re-doing, is a form of weaponised incompetence. The idea being (consciously or unconsciously) that they are not required to do it again. Some people also use it as an excuse not to drive and expect their partner/children to chauffeur them everywhere.

Some partners probably see frequent trips to the shops as "doing their bit" towards domestic maintenance. Much more enjoyable than sweeping the stairs.

I wonder if your DH is depressed.

My late OH was into cleanliness and tidiness ... far more than I. Things were cleaned before I even noticed they had been dirty!

My ex used to think, if something gathers dust it doesn’t get used and we should chuck it out………….until I pointed out the fluffy coating on the TV screen……..soon changed his tune.

Some male journalist once wrote a piece saying that a good way to profoundly annoy your wife now and then, was to occasionally do some hoovering fairly thoroughly, and then say, ‘Goodness, it’s been a long time since the hoover went under that bed/sofa, hasn’t it?’
Sorry, but it did make me laugh!

I’m not exactly fanatical about housework, so more or less presentable most of the time, with the odd proper blitz, is the order of the day. Dh does now and then use the cordless upstairs, he often puts a wash on and hangs it up, and although he doesn’t cook, never really has, he invariably clears up the kitchen, loads the dishwasher and unloads it in the morning.

He mows the lawn and does the edges, no other gardening except heavier pruning, takes the bins out and brings them back, and any DIY is done properly.
I’m happy with that.

We have always specialised in what we are best at. I cannot function if my environment is not tidy and organised, while DH is untroubles by such considerations.

On the other hand, DH is only happy when he has a screwdriver in his hand and is fixing stuff, so I have run the house and he has, over the years installed 5 kitchens, rewired two houses to approved regulations. He has installed bathrooms, replaced windows and doors etc. You get the picture. We are both happy with this.

In our 80s we are downsizing to a project house, DH has severe heart problems, so most of the work will be done for us, but he has drawn up all the plans and submitted them to the planning authority, he is busy collecting various craftsmen. Meanwhile I am looking at curtains paint and wallpaper.

It works very well for us. We have a much better house than we could afford because of DH's work and what he makes look nice, I keep that way. I might add I am totally cack handed and I am not trusted, quite rightly, to do more than occasionally hold the end of a tape measure.

Foden, there is a possibility that you DH has memory problems. Perhaps he promises to do something and then immediately forgets. He wants to go out every afternoon, again this might happen because he has is unable to remember he went out yesterday! Same thing with him shopping everyday. Lost on his own world on his tablet - everything you have mentioned sounds very familiar to me , ( my husband has Alzheimers Disease ) you have just described my husband, although he is considerably older than yours. Your DH may or may not have dementia but it is worth giving it some thought. Last week my DH went to the shop for milk and came home with a loaf of bread! He wants to go out every day for a coffee. Jobs he has always done he can manage - lawn cutting being one of them . Any thing new is difficult for him . Since we had a diagnosis things have become clear, it is not easy but I now understand what is happening things are a little easier. I don't wish to cause you distress and recognise your DH may simply be unable to change! However your message has rung a few bells for me. At times I feel like I am living with a man child! I love him dearly and we manage.
I couldn't read and move on and hope I haven't caused you anxiety. Good luck.

You know, if he were to disappear from the scene you might find out how much he actually does 😬 And vice versa of course.

When I became the single householder I realised that the fairies do not empty the bins and put them out or clean the kitchen after my messy cooking. Or a load of other trivial stuff that was now all mine and needed doing😬

Seriously, why not get a cleaner?

Thanks ladies for sharing

A lot to think about here
I know I have higher standards than him and possibly things arn’t as important to him
It’s just so hard to accept/live with that I’m the only one that can see it / care about it

I know he has an ocd thing as everything becomes a routine to him
Say we’ve had chilli on a Thursday, the next week I’ll say what shall we have for tea
We have chilli on Thursday!
Get to 4.30pm he’s in the kitchen getting knives/forks out, veg cut up to start tea at 5pm
If I don’t rise, he will say “ what time we having tea” or in the past has said “ shall I do my own, I’ll have beans & toast”

I could go on ! Sometimes I don’t think we’re compatible as I can’t be a mother to him , he’s an intelligent person but no common sense whatsoever

I’ll try some of the suggestions but in a way I already know I’m on a losing battle or will get done for a week then stop
I know I don’t want to carry someone who is more physically capable than me and be his mother/ housekeeper just because going out everyday for a coffee is more important and can lay in a bed that’s not been washed or re-made week after week

Perhaps I’m asking too much ?
Want too much ?
What I do know is, I’m doing more on my own everyday because I don’t just want to go out for a coffee