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Who in the wrong
(34 Posts)My partners parents have been visiting since friday. Today, they were leaving Earlish so they suggested a coffee with us (and partners sister and family) before hitting the road. We left the house and partner immediately started criticising my driving. He done this 4 times. When we arrived he looked at me and said I looked nice and asked what was wrong. I told him I feel he also cricises me. I feel everything I do he has a negative comment to say. He said he doesn't think I'm the best driver and wants me to plan ahead when making driving decisions. I said I didn't need to I was aware of situations etc. For example, I didn't have to pull in, I had enough room to get past tractor, etc. He then had a go and then I said "normally I'd let you bother me but I won't. I've decided your not happy with your life and need tj comment on everything". Well, he raised his voice, pointed in my face and started telling me we were going home. I said no. He got out the car and slammed it so hard. It gave our 4 month old a fright. He then started resembling the pram. When it was up and baby was in, I locked the doors and went to push the pram. He then asked what I was doing and tried grabbing the pram out of my hands and pushing me out of the way. He said I had no right telling him he is unhappy in life etc and that he is fed up that I tell him how he is thinking / feeling. He then said he had enough and that we were over. I told him to grow up. And that ifwhay I've said isn't true, why was he getting so angry? I told him his actions were appalling. Ie grabbing pram, pushing phone in my face and slamming door. He said its all my fault as I wind him up. He said I've given him grief for years and this is why he reacts like this. I did treat him horribly to begin with but thays all in the past. Like years ago. I did question him lots and tell him how he was thinking / feeling and was incredibly jealous but I went to therapy and stopped it.
He apologised for his actions but said its my fault and that we have never been happy and we don't have alot of good days. We eventually met his family, and then they left after 2 hrs. He asked if I wanted to stay at outdoor cafe. I said yes as it was a beautiful day. He then, apologised again and so did I.
He was being very quiet. I asked what was wrong. He said he didn't want ti talk as I've accused him that he criticises everything I said / do. I told him to grow up and to stop sulking. He then shook his head and said i make him unhappy. Our baby started crying on / off. I said she was probably hungry and we should get more hot water to make up more formula. He said no, she couldn't possibly be hungry again. He then said she needed changed. I checked and said it was wee and that she's hungry. No she needs changed. As he was holding her. I told him to go to toilets and change her. He seemed pissed that I didn't take her and go do it. I then told him to hold on, watch table and I woild get boiling water abd make up a feed while he was changing her. He said no, she needed changed abd went off. Wheh he came back, she was still crying. I then went abd got water abd her feed was ready in 5 minutes. It felt like the longest 5 mins as she was crying. She then drank some and went to sleep. I said that was why I wanted to get water first so I could make feed while he was away and save time. He then got pissed telling me that I can't priorise and she needed changed first. I said as it was a pee, she could have waited a few mins. And that I sometimes think he changes her too quickly. Well, that was that. How dare you critice my parenting. He then said I should have got up abd got water instead of talking about it. I said he told me she didn't need fed at 1st hence why I didn't go. He then said I am a poor communicator and planner. He then Sat in silence. When I asked him what was going on he got pissed again "I am not repeating myself". I told him we had different priorities and no one was right or wrong. He told me I was wrong and I am shit and planning. I told him he was already in a mood and he is exaggerating things. He then got angry, there you go, telling me how I feel etc. I asked if he wanted to be sat with me and our baby as he was pissed off and silent despite me trying ti make conversation. He said he wanted to go home as he was bored. As we weren't doing anything. That upset me as he is always says he had a nice time even when we are doing nothing. I then went to loo to change baby before we left. When i came out he asked if I wanted to buy the cake i wanted. I said yes, bought it and then aksed if he wabted a slice. He said no. We got home 2 hrs ago and he has not said 1 word to me.
Sorry its long. Yes its immature. Who is in the wrong. I'm upset, sitting in backgarden, alone
He said its all my fault as I wind him up. He said I've given him grief for years and this is why he reacts like this.
This is what abusers do. Also make you dependent on them and feel you couldn't cope without them.
This is a toxic atmosphere for the child and, if you are able to manage, it might be best if you were apart.
Do you have family? Are they aware and can they help?
He needs therapy too.
Most of the answerers are having a field day picking on you, instead of answering your question.
You are both wrong.
What to do about it?
This entirely depends on whether you love your partner enough to want to stay with him, or not.
If you want this relationship to work, you need to stop saying things you know will get his goat.
Basically, you have a choice: change things or get out!
You cannot change another person, but you can change yourself.
Stop nagging!
But sometime when you are not in the middle of a spat, tell him politely what you can and will not put up with, and listen to what he cannot and will not put up with.
If your partner thinks you are a bad driver, refuse to have him in the passenger seat. Either he drives, or you go in each your own car!
Or you and he take some driving lessons TOGETHER, where the instructor sits listening to your partner's back seat driving, and then tells you both what if any of it was justified.
If he wants to push the baby's pram: let him. (Most mothers complain that fathers do too little caring for babies.)
You need both to sit down and draw up some guide lines for how you speak and behave to each other. If you cannot do so together, find a marriage counsellor who can help.
If all this argy-bargying is because neither of you love each other, then you need to start looking at your finacial affairs and finding out how you will be placed if you leave him, and whether you can or cannot just take the baby with you.
This depends on where you live. In Denmark, where I live, you cannot deny a parent the right to have his or her child spending half its time with the parent. I have no idea where you live, and what the law says where you are.
Hope this helps.
To me you do not come across as particularly immature, but as a woman who is no longer in love and who is wondering whether a mature relationship, which should be based on love and respect from both parties is possible or not, This is the basic problem you need to solve.
Your poor child , having to put up with the pair of you ! Please seek professional help. Good luck.
1. Dont react instantly; take a deep breath and think first
2. State facts and feelings not accusations eg When you ...I feel ...and then I am defensive and accuse you....then you are understandably defensive. Let's work out together how to stop that.
3. Silent treatment gets nowhere. Tell him you are ready to talk when he is then let him get on with it. Remind him once a day that you are ready to talk
4. At the right time ask him if he REALLY wants to split up or was it in the heat of the moment. Tell him how you feel but not accusingly...do you still love him?
5. Sit down together and discuss and LISTEN to each others views and preferences re parenting/changing/feeding etc and agree mutual systems etc to avoid such silly arguments. it really makes no difference re food first hnappy first but it does make a difference when parents endlessly argue!!
I think that you and your partner need some professional help my dear. There are organisations that can help you face to face, on line or by phone. If you are in the UK contact Relate www.relate.org.uk/get-help-relate
If you contact them try to keep it a bit shorter though as your very long post was quite difficult to get to grips with. Please get help soon for the sake of your dear baby who deserves a happy upbringing. Good luck
quilted
I’m not one to go against the grain normally but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for your emotions. You said you did the work by going to therapy and working on your relationship. Maybe it’s time that he take a look at his temper, not very nice of him to be getting up in your face and snapping at you just for letting him know that he hurt your feelings.
I have been in a relationship like this where I just had to walk on eggshells all the time and let him say whatever he wanted about me as to not “rock the boat”. Your comment about him sitting there steaming because you told him you don’t like that he criticises you, well that’s the things I experienced too. I would say calmly to my husband that I didn’t like him insulting me, and he would scream “Stop screaming at me!”
It is funny looking back but at the time it was very hard on my confidence as a young woman. I hope you and baby are doing okay, and that you and your partner can possibly get some couples therapy. Early parenthood can be very tough, there’s no shame in getting some outside support and perspective. I wish you all the best xx
I agree. You have put the work in on yourself. Frankly, it's bordering on abuse, he is both gaslighting and bullying, and if he wont go to couples counselling then think again, "should we be together". But because of the baby, if. he wont go to couples counselling, seek help and support yourself before acting as to what is for the best.
Although because of the baby, people are saying, "go to Mums net", but apart from that, as I was saying, it sounds like there are elements of gaslighting and bullying and coercive abuse that can happen at any age.
I really don’t think you are suited to each other at all You admitted you made him very unhappy with your behaviour previously and now he’s making you unhappy
I don’t think things will improve now with a little one in the middle
If he’s wanting couple counselling go for it, but if not I think it might be best to separate and be a good mum and a good dad apart, much better for the baby than warring, bickering, quite juvenile people, sticking together for the sake of it.
I’m not one to go against the grain normally but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for your emotions. You said you did the work by going to therapy and working on your relationship. Maybe it’s time that he take a look at his temper, not very nice of him to be getting up in your face and snapping at you just for letting him know that he hurt your feelings.
I have been in a relationship like this where I just had to walk on eggshells all the time and let him say whatever he wanted about me as to not “rock the boat”. Your comment about him sitting there steaming because you told him you don’t like that he criticises you, well that’s the things I experienced too. I would say calmly to my husband that I didn’t like him insulting me, and he would scream “Stop screaming at me!”
It is funny looking back but at the time it was very hard on my confidence as a young woman. I hope you and baby are doing okay, and that you and your partner can possibly get some couples therapy. Early parenthood can be very tough, there’s no shame in getting some outside support and perspective. I wish you all the best xx
Good suggestions Passiflora.
Your baby is only 4 months old. It sounds like hormones talking Helplesslydevoted
Does it really matter who is wrong?
Rise above it and think of your poor
child before you indulge in any more childish nonsense.
I'm astonished at the nastiness and dismissiveness of these responses. You all sound so superior. I recognise these situations from my past and I'm quite sure others do too. They are painful and distressing. It is true mumsnet might be more appropriate but grans are supposed to have a degree of maturity themselves.
My own response to OP would be that you are both unused to the role of parent and the change in your relationship coming from the arrival of the baby. You need to be aware that it is hard for both of you at the beginning. Driving behaviour is often a cause of arguments and both of you are trying to assert yourselves in this new scenario. Pick your battles carefully. Respond after thought, don't just react. Neither of you is completely right nor completely wrong. Give your partner love attention and respect like you want from him. Look at him calmly and seriously and wait for a moment. (Not when you're driving of course!) Reason sometimes asserts itself spontaneously.
Flippinheck
You do know this is Gransnet? Left all this immature rubbish behind me years ago. Try Mumsnet, they might have more sympathy.
I very much doubt it. 
You are both immature and waste your time arguing when you should be looking after your baby. Prioritise the baby's wellbeing, ignore your partner's criticisms and focus on her safety otherwise you may have your baby taken away for her own protection.
I actua;;y hope this is a wind-up.
NanTheWiser
He said, she said…
It’s six of one and half a dozen of the other.
And the baby is piggy in the middle!
Poor child
He said, she said…
It’s six of one and half a dozen of the other.
Are the two of you too immature to sit down and have a cconversation where you agree from the start, no blaming no shouting just each of you taking your time without interuption to explain how you feel and see things and then the other doing the same. Toss a coin to decide who goes first and then discuss each problem area quietly without heat , anger or blaming until you reach a mutually agreed solution for these problems and any that arise in the future.
I know the answer, pigs might fly.
Go to Mumsnet with your pram ….
It's this bloody phone and autocorrect
"I started resembling the pram" 🤣🤣
Yes OP you are being ridiculous. Try Mumsnet or try growing up.
I'm not. I am happy accepting that we maybe played our part but he is blaming 100% and giving me silent treatment. I don't thinj it was me 100%.
You’re just looking for someone to say “No, no, of course it isn’t all your doing” so that you can feel better about it and avoid your part in it.
I found the OP's opening narrative very long quite difficult to follow and I agree with other GNs that it would be more appropriate to discuss this on Mumsnet with people who are closer to this kind of situation.
I wish you all the best with your little baby.
But is it as he said all my own doing? Has he been completely innocent in all of this? I wish we could blame lack of sleep. She sleeps amazing so we get lots. So I don't know what is the issue. When I ask, I get told its me.
You both sound like 12 year olds and a baby makes three !!! Poor child
Grow up and be a mum not a whinging child
Baby equals lack of sleep - that in itself makes people fractious and lose their sense of perspective. Maybe you could both acknowledge the need for a deep breath and a moment’s reflection before opening mouth?
It sounds as though you have been together a while. Wishing you all well.
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