Adult daughter. AIBU?

FranP

I am appalled at some of the frankly nasty comments here!

I am guessing that you are the sort of person who keeps her promises, and are continually exasperated by her continual letting people down by her actions. Yes you do need to be more accepting of the fact that she is the way that she is, but it would not hurt to let her know that she should do what she says she will, and be more considerate.

If she can hold down a good job, then she can is able to commit to actions. She could have given it to her "supportive husband2 to post for example.

The daughter’s had a fall, hurt her legs and sent photos of the bruises, but she should ‘commit to her actions’ and ‘be more considerate’ 🙄

Meanwhile the OP has shown her daughter no such consideration. Not a word of concern about the injuries, only irritation that she’s not getting a gift as a result.

I am appalled at some of the frankly nasty comments here!

I am guessing that you are the sort of person who keeps her promises, and are continually exasperated by her continual letting people down by her actions. Yes you do need to be more accepting of the fact that she is the way that she is, but it would not hurt to let her know that she should do what she says she will, and be more considerate.

If she can hold down a good job, then she can is able to commit to actions. She could have given it to her "supportive husband2 to post for example.

Hard comments to poster. Her daughter has a partner so she is not lying injured with no one to look out for her. Perhaps poster just feels a bit low herself at the moment. I must admit i had to look up neuro diverse..
I have a very challenging family member who tests your patience to the limit, 99.9% of the time you know this but sometimes i just think I am here too as everything is about him.

I never get anything from my dd on my birthday. I got a text this year. She lives a long way away too and had mental health problems and a responsible job. That’s all fine with me. Sometimes she keeps in touch, sometimes not so in those times I message her so she can reply when it suits her. Occasionally she gives me something if she has seen something that she thinks I would like. The rest of the family rarely get anything either but we accept it’s how she is. The op knows her dd is disorganised and neuro diverse. And maybe her daughter wouldn’t appreciate a lot of concern about her fall.

MadameFeuveral

Ziggy is an adult, and she’s in the wrong - why does something as basic as prioritising her injured daughter over a bunch of flowers need explaining to her gently? She’s not a child that needs to be coddled.

When posters ask others to be kind, it’s usually because they know they’re in the wrong but don’t want to admit it. It’s a manipulation tactic. Her behaviour is selfish and self-centred. If she’s fearful of being abandoned- there’s the reason why.

If she doesn’t know her daughter’s behaviour is perfectly normal and needs reassurance on this point, she’s even more self-centred than she portrayed herself as being. You’re doing her no favours in assuming she needs reassurance on this point.

Why the need to treat a fully functioning adult treating her daughter poorly with kid gloves? OP isn’t the one deserving of sympathy in this situation. It’s the injured daughter who has to send photo evidence of her bruises to her mother as proof that she couldn’t manage to get her a birthday present, but her mother’s still aggrieved that it deprived her of some flowers. Talk about priorities…

You make insufficient allowance for different sensibilities. Nobody should apportion blame as nobody knows the whole story. AS another Gran said, perhaps the OP is herself neurodivergent .

Abandonment is a real fear and people may get abandoned through no fault of their own.

Ziggy I hope that you are able to read what has been written and take it on board. Yes, I get where you are coming from, we can all have ‘poor me’ days, but move on for both your sakes.

Have to say I agree with the several posters who say you are being selfish. Your daughter is neurodiverse, she has had a nasty fall but thought enough of you to let you know your card and gift would be delayed even though you know she hates using the phone. She then let you know she had misplaced these items and you admit she's disorganised. I would be more concerned about her health than whether you get a gift for your b'day.

I'm laughing inwardly. My son "forgot" to give me a Mother's Day gift. He said it would be a Waterstones voucher but was never mentioned again. My daughter gave me a gift on my birthday but said I have two more things for you. Again never mentioned again. I really don't mind. They're busy people and occasions slip their minds.

Are you not concerned about your daughter's fall? My boys are 56,58,and60 I am still concerned about them.

Send some flowers to your daughter and let her know that you are concerned for her after her fall.

Hard to take this seriously

Send her a present hoping she's OK.forget the card

Labradora

BlueBelle

Afraid I agree with the last two posters
She had a nasty fall and you ve heard nothing since !!! And you’re more worried about a missing birthday card ?

Eeerr....... nasty fall ??? What happened and how is she ? That would be my worry about anyone I cared for.

Forget the card.

Don't give a card another thought.

Ziggy62, you didn't say anything in your post about contacting your daughter to ask what happened / was she ok etc?

If anyone had sent me a message like that...checking in on them would be my first response.

fancythat

The poster has asked us to be kind.
Could we not have managed this?!?

Yes, birthday, would be more concerned about daughter.

Wedding - not much to go on, but prob yes the DD was unreasonable.

You say yourself there’s not much to go on. I’ve no idea how you come to the conclusion that DD was ‘probably’ being unreasonable.

Ziggy is an adult, and she’s in the wrong - why does something as basic as prioritising her injured daughter over a bunch of flowers need explaining to her gently? She’s not a child that needs to be coddled.

When posters ask others to be kind, it’s usually because they know they’re in the wrong but don’t want to admit it. It’s a manipulation tactic. Her behaviour is selfish and self-centred. If she’s fearful of being abandoned- there’s the reason why.

If she doesn’t know her daughter’s behaviour is perfectly normal and needs reassurance on this point, she’s even more self-centred than she portrayed herself as being. You’re doing her no favours in assuming she needs reassurance on this point.

Why the need to treat a fully functioning adult treating her daughter poorly with kid gloves? OP isn’t the one deserving of sympathy in this situation. It’s the injured daughter who has to send photo evidence of her bruises to her mother as proof that she couldn’t manage to get her a birthday present, but her mother’s still aggrieved that it deprived her of some flowers. Talk about priorities…

The poster has asked us to be kind.
Could we not have managed this?!?

Yes, birthday, would be more concerned about daughter.

Wedding - not much to go on, but prob yes the DD was unreasonable.

Grans should not scold Ziggy as so many have been doing.

There is an undercurrent in Ziggy's message of real fear that she is being abandoned. Blaming Ziggy does no good to anyone. She obviously does not know that her daughter's behaviour is perfectly normal, and Ziggy needs to be reassured on this point, and informed gently what is normal behaviour for the mother.

(I have another thread on how to pay a taxi driver, and I have no clue so I simply need the info from Grans, not ridicule)

BlueBelle

Afraid I agree with the last two posters
She had a nasty fall and you ve heard nothing since !!! And you’re more worried about a missing birthday card ?

Eeerr....... nasty fall ??? What happened and how is she ? That would be my worry about anyone I cared for.

Forget the card.

I'm with your daughter on this.

Perhaps her neurodiversity is causing her difficulties in finding your card/present, as well as being disorganised AND bruised?

She sent you a picture of her badly damaged legs. Don't you think that instead of whining about your lack of a card/present, you should be sending her something as a get well soon/love you loads type of thing? Even if it's only an e-card by email or just a loving emoji by phone?

Tell her not to worry about not sending you anything, as you understand she's not feeling well for a while.

Your whole attitude reeks of me-myself-and-I.

Think of all those people throughout the world who literally NEVER get any presents from anyone, and nobody ever cares for them.

If I were you and my daughter had had such a horrible accident, I'd be over her like a rash, even if it was only by text, telling her I love her and am thinking of her, I wouldn't be banging on about missed gifts!

Ziggy62 I'm sure some of these comments are hard to read - but however you were feeling I think your daughter needs a little concern and looking after. Maybe send her a tiny treat (chocolates or flowers maybe) - "thinking of you and hope you are recovering well from your nasty fall"

Then draw a line under it all.

I expect your birthday gift will materialise one day.

You’re more concerned with your birthday than her injuries.

Wow.

Your reaction to your daughters injury seems quite cold.
ND can run in families......

I agree with what has been said above. You are selfish ad uncaring. Your daughter is hurt but you haven’t had a birthday card.
Oh diddums!

So you are "really upset" that you did not receive a birthday present. Your daughter hurt herself badly but still managed to keep in contact and felt it was necessary to provide proof of her injury - that speaks volumes about your behaviour towards her.
You come across as selfish and demanding.