Husband moody the whole time.

AuntieE 15.40- 'The time to discuss their different approach to sex was somewhere around 47 years ago........Well, we are all different. I would have complained bitterly if my husband had only wanted to make love to me once a fortnight!"

A bit harsh AuntieE? Who knows how often sex/making love took place for this couple over the years- the poster is talking about twice fortnightly now and the problems she is facing now at 68 years old, in her current health. A husband that "only wants to make love once a fortnight" at 68 years old, would have lead you to complain bitterly but its not fair to apply your standard and expectation to OP and her husband. Presumably because if only fortnightly you would be missing out on something you enjoyed and your needs would not be met. However the OP is not enjoying her husband's sexual overtures and she explains her reasons.

Out of curiosity I googled how often do couples usually have sex in the UK after 47 years of marriage and it came up with "sexually frequency often slows to once or twice a month" by that stage. Some may be more, others maybe less and other couples in their late 60s or 70s may have ceased altogether due to health or libido issues.

I believe sex should only take place between 2 consensual adults and there should not be any coercion. That seems to be a problem for the OP- as she feels she is "expected to do it", or her husband sulks, gives her the silent treatment etc. That's not a nice place for her- and clearly her husband is also not happy that he does not have access to sex on all the occasions he desires.

The other issue is that the OP describes sex "goes on for about an hour before he will let me go" and "he doesn't want to kiss" "he can't help himself". Again out of curiosity I googled what is the average time duration of vaginal sexual penetration for 70 year olds in heterosexual couples and the average is 3- 7 minutes. 60 minutes, many would say is quite a long time for a 68 year old woman with health issues as OP describes.

Yes, communication is always the key to achieving a happy sexual life at an early age, much easier in a marriage as you suggest. Effective communication however takes 2 willing partners willing to listen and well as talk and be considerate and flexible. Whatever communication did or did not take place in the past 47 years, the current situation for OP and her husband is sad. OP asked for feedback AIBU. I don't think she is and I hope she is able to get some support to guide herself and ideally her marriage to a happier place.

Mt61

He sounds rather selfish to me. Can’t he he just be satisfied with a ‘J Arthur’?
I couldn’t bare to be with someone like him.

Does he now? The same could be said about his wife.

She has gone along with her husband's wishes for 47 years, apparently without enjoying it, and only complains now?

The time to discuss their different approach to sex was somewhere around 47 years ago.

Admittedly, this lady did not have a bad back and joint pains then, at least I hope not, but it seems that even as a newly married woman she wasn't enjoying herself.

Well, we are all different. I would have complained bitterly if my husband had only wanted to make love to me once a fortnight!

Oh dear.... oh dear. I am so sad and uncomfortable reading about your experience Ginpin. I divorced my ex husband 30 years ago; he had a similar focus expecting sex on a daily basis whether or not I was in the mood, and whether or not I had recently given brith, was breast feeding, a parent had died unexpectedly or just plain tired. This, and a realisation our marriage/relationship was predominantly about satisfying his needs and wishes- I got divorced.

I then learned sex could be so much more and so much better with an understanding man. Now a post menopausal woman, decreased oestrogen levels etc, vaginal dryness being an issue to be managed on occasion- it's more important than ever to have an understanding, loving partner. Being blunt- you don't have one.

The thought of my ex husband at my age now "going on for an hour before he will let me go" is making me feel disorientated and uncomfortable. Without seeking to be over the top- this sounds to me like you're being violated Ginpin. You deserve to be treated with respect at the very least. There should never be any pain or discomfort. You should always be a willing and consenting partner. The sulks are just selfish childish, acting out behaviours to coerce you. At the first sign of any pain or discomfort (physical or emotional) you need to say stop and your husband needs to stop. Full stop!

This doesn't sound like a happy marriage for you. Not my place to say or make judgements. I went to Relate all those years ago- first few sessions with my ex husband. Then he dropped out ( you don't need to go as a couple). I continued on my own and that helped me respect myself and gave me the confidence to start divorce proceedings. I'm not saying you should get divorced but to help develop your boundaries and sense of "self with needs of your own" in the marriage might be worth considering? Take care 💐

Cossy

I have to add that in many other ways my DH is so lovely! The “act” of certainly doesn’t last an hour (thank goodness) and that we do appear to love each other!

Cossy he is not lovely about sex though is he! I agree with Smileless because I cannot see how his totally selfish, inconsiderate and demanding behaviour regarding sex can be separated from the rest of his "lovely"personality.

Also perhaps try to get him to come without penetration, or minimal penetration.

For a practical compromise why don't you initiate the sex session at a time and frequency of your own choosing, and also learn how to conclude it sooner.

It's nothing short of physical, mental and emotional abuse 😡.

I'm sorry Cossy, but I don't understand how any man who goes into a mood because he can't have as much sex as he likes knowing that his wife finds sex quite painful, can be so lovely.

I have to add that in many other ways my DH is so lovely! The “act” of certainly doesn’t last an hour (thank goodness) and that we do appear to love each other!

Good grief! That’s sounds EXACTLY like my situation at home! My DH is 70, I’m 67 and have widespread osteo arthritis and fibromyalgia making sex quite painful and have tried other positions.

My husband can get quite grumpy and sulky if we go for more than 10 days with sex, he too see cuddles and affection as “fore play”

It’s sad, annoying and selfish, in my opinion.

I have no advice, I’ve tried talking to him, it’s like a brick wall, after over 30 years I would have thought he’d know the difference between “love” and “sex” but it seems to him they are one and the same?

You have all my empathy

You are under no obligation to provide your husband with sex. If he wants it, he should be prepared to pay for it. There are plenty of women selling it. Unless you are prepared to come to some financial arrangement with him.

At 68 years old I would leave and set up on my own. You still have many years of life left and I would go before you get too frail. He just isn’t worth staying for.

OP's husband sounds like a right bully. Sex later in life can be uncomfortable and indeed very painful for women, and husbands should be mindful of that and instead of putting unwilling wives through that agony, they should just 'sort themselves out'. There is so much more to marriage than sex. I hope OP has found a solution to her unhappiness.

ClicketyClick - your situation sounds awful too. I hope you have the support of good friends 💐.

This is coercive controlling behaviour. And it is not making love. He’s using you for sex. You don’t have to agree to it!! You have the right to say no. ‘I don’t like it, I don’t enjoy it, it hurts me’.
Stand up for yourself.

Just tell him - I am not prepared to tolerate this behaviour. End of.

Don't let him get away with it.

If you don't treat me with good manners and consideration I will cease to cook for you, will move into the spare room, will do no housework, will look for somewhere else to live ..........

They only do it cos they can get away with it and still have their creature comforts.

The original post was back in September, I wonder how Ginpin is now and whether she took any advice?

Because they grind you down very gradually so that you don't see it, chip away at your confidence and some isolate you. It's very easy to say why have they stayed but unless you've lived that life you have no real understanding of what can be a day to day trial. Sometimes financial situations dictate decisions to leave or stay. I feel trapped but can't see a way out because if the house was sold the split proceeds is nowhere enough to buy me something else and on my pension I can't afford to rent. I too live my life treading on eggshells, always always having to think what I'm saying before I say it. He can turn on a sixpence and it can be the smallest, irrational things that can set him off. Only last week out shopping and all fine until at the checkout when I let someone go in front of me who only had a few items. I had an uncalled for comment thrown at me by him through gritted teeth because of my tiny act of kindness so 3 days of being completely ignored by him. Last month it was nearly 2 weeks of silence because, in his eyes, I'd supposedly slammed a door shut. There are far worse incidents. Its boils down to mental cruelty.

Let’s hope she left him. Why do people put up with such men. She was walking on eggshells for 47 years. Why!

I'm sorry this is your situation, it's tough when you feel he's just not seeing or hearing you. I don't say this for him, I say this for you - have you considered something like yoga or Pilates or aqua aerobics to help with your symptoms? I would also suggest (providing it doesn't contradict with any medications) that you try cod liver oil as it's great for joints. Your husband (like many men) hasn't realistic that he can't just click his fingers and you will be there at his beck and call. For women, foreplay starts outside of the bedroom - conversation and deep connection, buying you flowers once in a while and making you feel special. Try listening to the Begin Again podcast with Davina McCall (the Paul C Brunson episode will likely resonate with you.

That is hardly likely to be a helpful remark!!

I would tell him "You are a lousy lover and it hurts like hell, so sex will only take place once a decade. Your fucking account is overdrawn until 2045.

I think I know how you feel. But you have to ask yourself "whose standard of myself am I trying to achieve here?"
The reality is that you know that you are tired.
You may be mentally exhausted but you may also be on the brink of coming down with a nasty bug!
And what about those painful hips and back of yours?
Why would it be ok to traipse your worn out frame into a complete collapse.
Lady , you have to learn to be kind to yourself. It is survival.
You don't need permission to be kind to yourself.

Just did a quick check re marital rape - and that law wasnt there for the first 13 years of your marriage. But it came in in 1991 and so has been the law for most of your marriage.

Oh dear oh dear (aka "British understatement").

Agreed that this is indeed rape and even marital rape is now illegal. I can't recall just when our law changed to make it illegal - though I know that law won't have been in place at the time you married the wotname. So he's got used to years of that law not being in place - and not adjusted his mindset accordingly now that it is in place. Well he should have....

He shouldnt be expecting this of you even if you didnt have health issues making this problematic for you. But obviously all the more so - given that you do have these health problems. This is not about love - it's about "control" - ie you doing what he wants and blow you. He doesnt care about you.

Have you got a local friend you can confide in about this?

If he's been this way for years - then it does rather look like he's not going to change his ways now. Sounds to me like time to get things "in order"/check on your financial position and seriously think about whether it's too late to divorce him. As Mumsnet posters would say "Get your ducks in a row".

Divorce is the preferable option by the look of it - though I understand why some women are saying "Give him leeway to have an affair - and he can get his 'needs' sorted out elsewhere". I don't know how your finances would be if you did kick him out and divorce him - as in 1. Is there enough money to ensure you could still be suitably housed (even a one bedroom flat would be a "lesser of two evils" compared to staying with him....though it's obviously more difficult if there wouldnt even be enough money to ensure that) 2. What sort of income would you have if you did divorce him and, if that would be low, would you have enough savings to "subsidise" that income from them?

Another thought being that if the issue of finding enough money to buy two separate bits of accommodation is problematic - then I wonder if you are in a dearer part of the country and what you would think of moving to a cheaper part of the country? I know when I got to 60 and thought "I'm still in a starter house - and never did more work to it than I could help...because I was only meant to keep it for a few years before moving up a level or two" that I looked around the country and decided where I could move to to get a cheaper houseprice area - so I could do that belated "move up the ladder".

Anyway - wishing you luck whatever you decide on and, as Mumsnet posters would say = LTB (if you possibly can).

Looks like this is going to be another one of those (very rare) threads where we're all in agreement, ie "Up with this you should not put".

“it goes on for about an hour before he will let me go”………….this is NOT normal behaviour, it is rape! He is forcing you to have sex against your will and it is wrong, he has no respect for you!