My daughter wont do anything for me

butterandjam

Whenever she needs you, stop being so available.

Print out a list of her own excuses and leave it by the phone so you can use them back to her.

"Sorry, it's just too far."
"I can' drive. Car is playing up"
" Can't help you"
" You're asking too often and I can't be bothered".

Excellent suggestion. You're being taken for granted and seen as a soft touch.

Taking your grandchild must be exhausting at times. Maybe next time say you're under doctor's orders to have complete rest.

She'll soon start appreciating you then.

You don't mention your age but I would start by saying how tired I am, not feeling well, have to rest. If you get a cold really lay it on thick and don't be the martyr. I would do this slowly so she starts to see cracks appearing. Also, cut back on the gifts you may give her for birthday and say how expensive things are now. Just be negative and moany. She will soon start to pick up the vibe. See how she reacts to that.

That's the attitude of many of the younger generation. You only have to read some of the comments on Mumsnet about grandparents to know what some think of their parents.

mabon2

Tell to find a baby sitter for your grandson during the holidays. She's a selfish madam who is taking you for a mug.

I see you are responding in your usual rude way. Is it really necessary to be so blunt?

Stop the childcare in school holidays.

Grandparents shouldn't be childcare, let her pay like the vast majority do.

She's clearly let you know where you stand in her life.

Just an idea but how about staying for dinner every so often so you can have time with your daughter after the little ones are in bed. She may be exhausted too.

User138562

In my opinion as a reformed people pleaser, it's never a good idea to do favors for someone with an unspoken expectation that they will reciprocate. If you're going to help then do it out of love with no expectations. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. It's that simple. It's her kid and you don't HAVE to help.

Maybe that's not fair but life isn't fair. Learning to deal with your expectations so you aren't disappointed is really important. You can't change people no matter how much you try. Better to change yourself.

This is very true! I used to assume because I reciprocate, that others did too! I have been sadly disabused. I also used to watch adverts or programmes that talked about adult children taking their parents out and treating them to lunch coffee or afternoon tea! My experiance is its the other way around🙄

I think you will find that push back is not allowed! The demands are a one way street. However, I think push back is a good idea as long as you don't wind up with no contact.

I would get myself a pal & go on day trips, right in the middle of the school holidays!

Tell to find a baby sitter for your grandson during the holidays. She's a selfish madam who is taking you for a mug.

I’m sorry your daughter is a selfish, thoughtless woman and if you really enjoy looking after your grandson I set up some ground rules which suit you.

Thank you all for your responses.

How can it be that a grandma who says she is sad about her daughter never finding time for a chat is, in a roundabout sort of way, told it is unreasonable to have such an expectation.

The OP is not saying she expects to be showered with attention but surely it is reasonable, given that she provides significant child care, that her daughter at least stops occasionally to have a chat with her? It may well be that her daughter is very busy and is not aware that her Mum would appreciate a bit of a chat, but in my view it is common human decency to show a little bit of care and concern to someone who helps you and who has relatively recently lost their partner.

Thank you Tinluzzy .
After nearly dying giving birth to mt son
( the doctor ignored the placenta praevia )
he was almost a failing to thrive baby and I had a very tough time getting him through to toddler hood.
Grateful to be alive and for having such a handsome,funny and loving child-I think that he became spoilt .
He was also exceptionally gifted at school and very popular.
Adulthood has hit him like a sledgehammer .Unfortunately,he fell in love with a girl who has issues. Basically she's incredibly lazy ,demanding and puts on him .
He's very unhappy and hasn't developed a lucrative career as predicted .
My relationship with him was fantastic until he met her .
Now I seem to have become the whipping boy for everything that's gone wrong in his life .

In my opinion as a reformed people pleaser, it's never a good idea to do favors for someone with an unspoken expectation that they will reciprocate. If you're going to help then do it out of love with no expectations. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. It's that simple. It's her kid and you don't HAVE to help.

Maybe that's not fair but life isn't fair. Learning to deal with your expectations so you aren't disappointed is really important. You can't change people no matter how much you try. Better to change yourself.

I remember the days of children, commuting, working, catching up. And tight budgets. Does her DH help at all? Mine did not - product of a public school, he had (still has) no idea of many of the things that make a home work.

Yes, she is taking you for granted, but she may not realise just how much. But she is not your friend - she is used to you being the willing mother.

I must admit, I set a one day a week limit on DGS (other, younger, grandma did 2), and now he is old enough, I only see him in school holidays, and I do find I miss him. So if it is too much, cut back. It will not be forever, but they will always be close to you.

Perhaps your resentment is about loneliness - did you do the "brave face" when you lost him, so she has not registered the depth of your grief.

I would be inclined to tell her that you feel a bit hurt that she never has time for a chat or to spend any time with you. It's possible she doesn't realise that she is taking you for granted. If what you say makes no difference, don't be so available all the time. Get out and do something you like - join a choir, an art group, a sewing group etc, etc, or meet up with friends.

I'm sorry you feel upset by this - I would be too. I hope things improve.

It’s very difficult situation, I can see it from both sides being a Nana and when I relied on my MIL to have my three children one day a week, I know now at my great age that I didn’t thank her enough although I did do things for her when she became a widow and my children as young adults took it in turns to visit her and do odd jobs. However that doesn’t excuse your daughters behaviour, hopefully it may just be thoughtlessness whilst leading a busy life, or if she really is being quite selfish , whatever the reason you need a quiet talk, not when she is rushing off or you are upset and set some ground rules, maybe make a list before this of what you are prepared to do and talk to her for your own health and state of mind. Do let us know how you resolve this please.

That's sad for you, as you obviously want more contact. You need to have a heart to heart with her, explaining your feelings. Express the fact that you happily care for your youngest grandchild but that you feel you get nothing back. I'm lucky that I have a son nearby who often says he thinks I don't ask for enough help. He's coming tomorrow to put a new landing lightbulb in and move a heavy storage chest downstairs. I regularly babysit for his youngest and I'm cooking her tea tonight.

Assuming that you know when she’s phoning by caller ID, I’d would be tempted to not answer every time she rings up asking for help. You have been feeding into her entitlement by always making yourself available to help her out and she now takes you for granted.
Time to call time on your favours OP. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t care for your GC, just hold back on the conversation, make her realise that you’re not going to constantly jump through the hoops for her. She’ll get the picture soon enough…….particularly if you say ‘ sorry, I can’t do xxxx, I’m having a coffee with my friends’.

Esmay, I feel for you greatly. I believe that the reason our children lack empathy at times of need is due to the way we did everything for them as children, young adults, every little help was given to them without questions; one being the instant taxi service, as in my case, taking them everywhere, school, functions, shopping, parties, etc. At the time I did not work and so I could do this. None of my children had to do anything for me and so they just do not think it necessary now that I am elderly, imo!

Love this reply it’s perfect

Just stop being so compliant when she next asks for a favour.

butterandjam

Whenever she needs you, stop being so available.

Print out a list of her own excuses and leave it by the phone so you can use them back to her.

"Sorry, it's just too far."
"I can' drive. Car is playing up"
" Can't help you"
" You're asking too often and I can't be bothered".

That's what I meant.

Definitely. The daughter sounds very selfish.