My daughter wont do anything for me

Whenever she needs you, stop being so available.

Print out a list of her own excuses and leave it by the phone so you can use them back to her.

"Sorry, it's just too far."
"I can' drive. Car is playing up"
" Can't help you"
" You're asking too often and I can't be bothered".

Would concentrate on your own well-being and your own life. Start thinking of things you are able to do that cheer you up, and do them. And when your daughter asks for help with your grandson next school holiday don’t just blindly agree. Tell her which days you are available and which days she will have to make other arrangements. You are being taken for granted, is a regular complaint on here, but only you can stop this.
Good luck
X

I feel very sorry for you .
It seems to be the pattern these days .
So many of my friends aren't actually enjoying their retirement,because they are totally exhausted caring for grandkids and could do with some help or sympathy sometimes .
They look at me .
I'm now into my tenth year of punishment for being unable to look after my grandson .
I tried to accommodate his father .
It was impossible.
I lived too far away .
I had the full time care of my father .
I'll spend another birthday and Christmas alone this year .
I send gifts and they are rarely acknowledged .
It's heartbreaking .
Your daughter is taking you for granted .
If you protest and frankly , I think that you should-you might end up like me .

Your youngest grandson won't always need you, just as it seems your daughter no longer does.

Can I ask if you enjoy caring for your grandchild? Is it getting too much for you? Do you want more time to yourself?

It does sound as if your daughter takes you for granted, but only you can decide whether to put up with it or not.

If she works full time she will be busy- you don't mention if she is on her own or not, so may not have a lot of spare time to herself let alone anyone else.

Ideally, you should be able to see your grandchild out of the child care setting, but that maybe not be possible if you stop having your grandchild what seems like five days a week.

I think a conversation with your daughter needs to be had-give her the chance to tell you how busy her life is, then make sure she knows about your feelings too.

It sounds as if you are resentful of being used for free childcare, so how can you help DD find an alternative?

Why did you let it happen in the first place?

M0nica

Why did you let it happen in the first place?

Sometimes things just creep up on you without you realising. What starts out as a temporary small service ends up being much more than that.
Time for a chat with your daughter Vincennes and put some boundaries in place, tell her how you are feeling. Resentment is going to build otherwise.

I think there are 2 issues here?

Looking after your youngest grandson during holidays and the lack of care and consideration shown by your daughter?

You don’t say how old you are and we are all different - my DGSs are 4 and 8 and I never have them together here, although I meet up with my DDs and them at various places.
How old is your DGS - will this continue for many more years? DGS1 attends a Holiday Club at his local Community Centre and thoroughly enjoys it.l Would that be a possibility, say alternate weeks in the long Summer breaks? When DGS1 is too old for the club, his parents will simply stagger holidays from work and I’ll help out, if I’m able. You say ‘youngest’ so does he have siblings at home, who might soon be able to take care for him, or take him out to give you a break?
There’s also no mention of his father or any paternal grandparents?

As for your DD - what happens at handover time? Does she pick up her son - does she have time for a cuppa, or is it all at breakneck speed?

It does sound as if she takes you for granted and seems to have forgotten her manners with not a word of thanks.
As others say, resentment can creep in, so as the School holidays are known well in advance, now might be the time to discuss child care for half-term week, or make a dental/nail/hair/chiropody appointment (or all 4) for that week and then plead ignorance!

There seem to be a never-ending number of DGP on here who are doing too much for their offspring and also caring for elderly parents.

Was I like this with my DM? Probably a bit but she would always say if she couldn't help. She never kept the DGC for whole days, just picked them up from nursery or school.

I fear you may have to treat the situation with great diplomacy. Be matter of fact but don't wail. Just tell your DD you must have her support and she must not treat you like an unpaid servant . Perhaps she does pay you so if so you can offer to find her another childminder.

Good luck but YANBU.

Definitely. The daughter sounds very selfish.

butterandjam

Whenever she needs you, stop being so available.

Print out a list of her own excuses and leave it by the phone so you can use them back to her.

"Sorry, it's just too far."
"I can' drive. Car is playing up"
" Can't help you"
" You're asking too often and I can't be bothered".

That's what I meant.

Just stop being so compliant when she next asks for a favour.

Love this reply it’s perfect

Esmay, I feel for you greatly. I believe that the reason our children lack empathy at times of need is due to the way we did everything for them as children, young adults, every little help was given to them without questions; one being the instant taxi service, as in my case, taking them everywhere, school, functions, shopping, parties, etc. At the time I did not work and so I could do this. None of my children had to do anything for me and so they just do not think it necessary now that I am elderly, imo!

Assuming that you know when she’s phoning by caller ID, I’d would be tempted to not answer every time she rings up asking for help. You have been feeding into her entitlement by always making yourself available to help her out and she now takes you for granted.
Time to call time on your favours OP. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t care for your GC, just hold back on the conversation, make her realise that you’re not going to constantly jump through the hoops for her. She’ll get the picture soon enough…….particularly if you say ‘ sorry, I can’t do xxxx, I’m having a coffee with my friends’.

That's sad for you, as you obviously want more contact. You need to have a heart to heart with her, explaining your feelings. Express the fact that you happily care for your youngest grandchild but that you feel you get nothing back. I'm lucky that I have a son nearby who often says he thinks I don't ask for enough help. He's coming tomorrow to put a new landing lightbulb in and move a heavy storage chest downstairs. I regularly babysit for his youngest and I'm cooking her tea tonight.

It’s very difficult situation, I can see it from both sides being a Nana and when I relied on my MIL to have my three children one day a week, I know now at my great age that I didn’t thank her enough although I did do things for her when she became a widow and my children as young adults took it in turns to visit her and do odd jobs. However that doesn’t excuse your daughters behaviour, hopefully it may just be thoughtlessness whilst leading a busy life, or if she really is being quite selfish , whatever the reason you need a quiet talk, not when she is rushing off or you are upset and set some ground rules, maybe make a list before this of what you are prepared to do and talk to her for your own health and state of mind. Do let us know how you resolve this please.

I would be inclined to tell her that you feel a bit hurt that she never has time for a chat or to spend any time with you. It's possible she doesn't realise that she is taking you for granted. If what you say makes no difference, don't be so available all the time. Get out and do something you like - join a choir, an art group, a sewing group etc, etc, or meet up with friends.

I'm sorry you feel upset by this - I would be too. I hope things improve.

I remember the days of children, commuting, working, catching up. And tight budgets. Does her DH help at all? Mine did not - product of a public school, he had (still has) no idea of many of the things that make a home work.

Yes, she is taking you for granted, but she may not realise just how much. But she is not your friend - she is used to you being the willing mother.

I must admit, I set a one day a week limit on DGS (other, younger, grandma did 2), and now he is old enough, I only see him in school holidays, and I do find I miss him. So if it is too much, cut back. It will not be forever, but they will always be close to you.

Perhaps your resentment is about loneliness - did you do the "brave face" when you lost him, so she has not registered the depth of your grief.

In my opinion as a reformed people pleaser, it's never a good idea to do favors for someone with an unspoken expectation that they will reciprocate. If you're going to help then do it out of love with no expectations. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. It's that simple. It's her kid and you don't HAVE to help.

Maybe that's not fair but life isn't fair. Learning to deal with your expectations so you aren't disappointed is really important. You can't change people no matter how much you try. Better to change yourself.

Thank you Tinluzzy .
After nearly dying giving birth to mt son
( the doctor ignored the placenta praevia )
he was almost a failing to thrive baby and I had a very tough time getting him through to toddler hood.
Grateful to be alive and for having such a handsome,funny and loving child-I think that he became spoilt .
He was also exceptionally gifted at school and very popular.
Adulthood has hit him like a sledgehammer .Unfortunately,he fell in love with a girl who has issues. Basically she's incredibly lazy ,demanding and puts on him .
He's very unhappy and hasn't developed a lucrative career as predicted .
My relationship with him was fantastic until he met her .
Now I seem to have become the whipping boy for everything that's gone wrong in his life .

How can it be that a grandma who says she is sad about her daughter never finding time for a chat is, in a roundabout sort of way, told it is unreasonable to have such an expectation.

The OP is not saying she expects to be showered with attention but surely it is reasonable, given that she provides significant child care, that her daughter at least stops occasionally to have a chat with her? It may well be that her daughter is very busy and is not aware that her Mum would appreciate a bit of a chat, but in my view it is common human decency to show a little bit of care and concern to someone who helps you and who has relatively recently lost their partner.

Thank you all for your responses.

I’m sorry your daughter is a selfish, thoughtless woman and if you really enjoy looking after your grandson I set up some ground rules which suit you.

Tell to find a baby sitter for your grandson during the holidays. She's a selfish madam who is taking you for a mug.