Feeling rejected

It's good that you've spoken to your son about this and I hope that having your feelings validated by him will be of some comfort.

I hope your relationship with your GD will improve over time.

Thankyou for getting back to us. It sounds as if the little girl is having a tough time and needs some consistency in her life.
It sounds like a very sad situation and one I am in myself to a certain extent.

I think you should stick it out though, as a consistent and caring presence in her life if nothing else.

Hello everybody. I’m so grateful and humbled by your responses. I’ve read every one. Such collective wisdom!
A bit of an update … I talked to my son about how I was feeling and told him that I was not tolerating my GD behaviour anymore. He was sympathetic and told me he was going to talk to her. Told me she is rude to him at times etc
No matter. I’m feeling better as I’ve made my decision to have a strong boundary when it comes to GD and not allow her to hurt me again.
To be honest, I feel a bit numb towards her. I also have no desire to see her any time soon.
My son shares 50% custody with his ex wife. She is trouble and I’ve no doubt, the way she is raising GD is having major negative impacts. My son is happily remarried and GD stepmum is wonderful. But the positive parenting from my son and wife don’t seem to be mitigating the chaotic life with her mother. And I do think maybe I’m bearing the brunt. Me and her mother intensely dislike each other - but I hastily add, I have never told GD that.
Just to respond to a comment about expecting hugs, physical touch from GD - I 100% agree that a child should never be forced to engage in physical affection behaviours, absolutely not. Although I have ached for the hugs the rest of my family enjoy from GD, there is no way I would manipulate/force/demand the same. If not given freely, I do not want.
Thank you all again xxx

Madgran77

*An eye roll with a shrug and a grin is a pretty effective response. A sort of “am I bothered”.*
My problem with this is that it models rudeness to s child who is not old enough to interpret when one might do that! (I wouldn't do it anyway but some might) This means that she may well then copy that behaviour and end up being told off for it eg at school. Adults should model an appropriate response not rude or dismissive behaviour!

I do get that.

But don’t think an response from the adult that escalates the behaviour into a confrontation is the answer either.

Eight year olds are very likely to respond to an admonition with back chat or a heated insult. They very rarely admit they were in the wrong at the time, though they almost always know it.

Eight and nine year olds are often not very nice. It wasn’t an age group I enjoyed dealing with, at all.

In my comment further upthread I agree. The OP has to address this not wait for others to do so and certainly not relief eating the child 's rude behaviour by ignoring her when she leaves it should have said "replicate" NOT relief eating!! 🙄

Exactly Smileless It can be done kindly and definitely shouldn't be left or condoned by adults. Equally similar poor behaviour should not be modelled by adults. 🤔

This can be done kindly but the rudeness should not just be left to happen I agree Madgran.

An eye roll with a shrug and a grin is a pretty effective response. A sort of “am I bothered”.
My problem with this is that it models rudeness to s child who is not old enough to interpret when one might do that! (I wouldn't do it anyway but some might) This means that she may well then copy that behaviour and end up being told off for it eg at school. Adults should model an appropriate response not rude or dismissive behaviour!

Pearly , You seem to be a low status person in the family group and this attitude has been picked up by the little girl. Could this be because you are a woman? I mean to say, yours would not be the only family where men are accounted as better than women.

Whatever the cause the parents should train their daughter to respond politely to others. Like e.g. "Jeannie, you say good morning to your Gran and answer when she speaks to you".

Good practical advice from Lathyrus :-" An eye roll with a shrug and a grin is a pretty effective response. A sort of “am I bothered”.

I think there is a fine balance between not accepting rudeness whilst addressing whatever the problem is. At the very least the child needs to know/have modelled to her that rudeness is not the way to address issues. This can be done kindly but the rudeness should not just be left to happen

grannygranby gosh you sound harsh in your attitude and quite Victorian

I think the poster just had to treat this little girl as she would treat any other 8 year olds in the family and not take it to heart
The child doesn’t yet have words or the courage to say ‘well this this and this has upset me’ try to lead her in to do some activities with you just little things at first … Sally could you help me with this jar the lid is stuck and you’re strong, will you give me a hand to set the table, or make the biscuits, hand the fruit bowl round Give her some grown up things to help with so she feels useful 8 /10s a funny age you need to find some common ground
Personally I think if other family members point out that she’s being cold towards you it will make it 10 times worse YOU have to find the answers and the way in to her heart

There’s a dynamic here we don’t know much about

I tend to agree Iam64.

Lathyrus3

The OP is a. adult. She really shouldn’t expect another grown up to be sorting the relationship between her and her grand daughter.

I can’t think of any circumstance in which this would improve what her Granddaughter feels towards her.

Let alone expecting somebody lose to jeopardise their own relationship with the child.

I agree. The OP has to address this not wait for others to do so and certainly not relief eating the child 's rude behaviour by ignoring her when she leaves

I think as a grandparent one has to be rather ‘bombproof’ and not let changes in behaviour affect us in noticeable ways. As the children get older we know less and less about what is going on in their lives, let alone their heads. I am far from claiming I have always got it right but try remain the same towards them, especially if there is instability in their lives. Try to treat each visit as a new beginning, a fresh opportunity, and certainly never hold a grudge or hark back to previous occasions.

The OP is a. adult. She really shouldn’t expect another grown up to be sorting the relationship between her and her grand daughter.

I can’t think of any circumstance in which this would improve what her Granddaughter feels towards her.

Let alone expecting somebody lose to jeopardise their own relationship with the child.

I’ve looked at the O.P again. I’m left wondering what the views of the rest of the family are, as it’s said none of them point out the way she treats her grannie is unkind.
Most families will have an adult who notices negative behaviour and intervene,
There’s a dynamic here we don’t know much about.

Iam64

I’m astonished at the cold critical comments about a young child and suggestion she is responsible for an adults feelings

I agree -she is a child and certainly is not responsible for adults feelings/responses

However I'm not sure the responses here generally are cold and critical. Most posters are aware that as an 8 year old she is capable of understanding appropriate treatment of other people. The child deserves to be treated with respect and that includes discussing with her in appropriate language for an 8 year old, what is causing the problem; why she responds so differently; what can be done to mutually help each other get over any problem etc etc

I am genuinely interested in how you think this particular problem should be addressed Iam64 if you dont agree with the above?

I’m astonished at the cold critical comments about a young child and suggestion she is responsible for an adults feelings

What does your husband say? I agree it's hurtful but you are the adult..I think you just have to ride this one out and continue to be loving towards her. Have you spoken to your son? I would speak to him and your husband as they are better placed to help. They must have noticed... good luck

I also feel there should be a conversation with DH about this- does he see what is going on but doesn't care, or doesn't consider it an issue?

Two adults should be providing role models for this little girl who seems to know how to play people off against each other.

Like others have said, Grandad needs to get his act together...

Oh really Delilah? She’s already hurt her grandma at what point would you say no? Kowtowing to her is reinforcing the disrespect. She doesn’t care, no-one cares if she’s rude to granny she still gets the presents and can make up to grandad. Granny does care, power imbalance. You can’t demand love but you can expect due respect. The family have got to be behind OP in this. It’s not fair and it’s not kind. She’s not two.

If you want to reinforce whatever is making this 8 yr old unfriendly towards her grandmother, applying your advice would be the ideal way to do it, grannygranby.

She’s just a child who will go through various phases for reasons of her own, this is probably just one of them. It won’t last.

I read this post this morning and it’s been bugging me. I think she’s rude and unless you are a bit of a masochist do not pander to it. She has no idea how lucky she is having you but you are being exploited by other members too not respecting your status. Tell your husband you are disappointed in him if he thinks you deserve such blanking. As for the child give her a look that means don’t push it. And do not reward with presents until behaviour changes.
Of course you’d love to buy her things and be the goody but she needs a lesson.

*affection!

I absolutely do not expect hugs from any of my four DGC, aged from eight to three. I savagely object to people assuming it’s ok for them to touch me, and even a handshake should not be taken as a right. No child should be expected to hug or kiss a grandparent, or sit on a lap, however welcomed it would be, physical displays of anffection should only be initiated by the child and if they don’t actually want to to touch, they shouldn’t be made to. Manners are different, though, and there’s no excuse for rudeness. Eye contact and a polite greeting, or thanks, really can be expected and the child (or indeed, adult GC) won’t hurt from a reminder to be polite.

OP you do give the impression that you’re needy and rather entitled. Back off a little, rise above what you see as attempts to upset you - you are the adult and can set an example in terms of grace and kindness in the face of adversity.