Feeling rejected

Hi Pearly. It does seem strange and you may be right about the mother turning her against you but you can do nothing about that.
I think you have to ride the storm and try to remember you are the grown up and she is a young child.
If you stick with it, continue to love her and see her when you can, she will grow up and you could become close again.
I hope so.

Yes thank you very much for this advice. I love her deeply but have withdrawn from her as I can’t take it anymore. I’m afraid I did not speak to her before she left my home after a family weekend, after she ignored my cheery good morning. Looked straight through me and carried on talking to grandad. I realised I had reached my limit. I’d rather have no relationship with her than this.
Thank you again

Is there a reason you would think the mother is doing this? Why would she speak badly about you specifically, and not the rest of your family? Have you spoken to your son about your feelings on the possibility of mom speaking out against you?

Is this a change in behavior recently, or is this how she has always been? You say you see her 3 times a year, or so and she is 3 hours away, does your son set up Face Time calls more frequently, and does she act similarly during those as well?

Have you asked her why she seems to not prefer you? Or had her father ask? You seem to be expecting your family to stand up for you and point out that her behavior is hurtful, but have you brought it up to them and asked them directly to support you and they fail to, or do they just not see the behavior as clearly as you do?

My advice, until there is an indication of actual malice due to outside forces which would change the circumstances of the conflict, is to keep showing up with love and try and work through the hurt. Girls are starting to have puberty signs as low as age 8, and we all know girls in puberty can be a bumpy ride.

I am sorry you are going through this. Hopefully you can all work together as a family to determine the cause and work through it.

I am sad for you.
What does your husband think about your granddaughter's attitude towards you?
The more I think about it the more I feel perhaps your husband is at fault here.
Surely he can see what is happening?
It's up to him to gently encourage your granddaughter to engage with you.
Do you think, as I suspect, your husband enjoys the attention from his granddaughter?
It really is wrong of him to allow this one sided relationship to continue.
You should have times when you are sharing activities and times when each grandparent has one to one time with your granddaughter.
I'd discuss this with him and see if he can see your point of view.
I hope things improve for you.
Please don't give up on the child.
It's the adult who is the problem.

Please don't stop speaking to her
I’m afraid I did not speak to her before she left my home after a family weekend
as that will confirm that you aren't worth the effort.

Just back off a little so you don't seem "needy". I think this is at the root of it.
Needy people aren't exciting or interesting. My husband never wanted to see his grandmother apparently as she always wanted to hug him and focused attention on him (unsurprisingly as his father - her son- died when he was young).

I've noticed my husband was more interesting than me at one point and I think, but may be wrong, that M0nica had a similar experience at one point with a younger child.

Why not engineer being interested in something else? Making pizza with different toppings (already laid out ready to go...?
Use (say) lovely acrylic marker pens to paint stones etc. She will want to know what you are doing. Say does anyone want to make their own pizza - or ice some cupcakes, or fruit salad kebabs?"

Grandpa can come if he wants or can be busy if that's better.
Don't be pleased or surprised either way.
If someone else in the family will paint a stone that will maybe help. Don't stop making it easy to change her mind about you.
If she doesn't make fruit kebabs with lovely luscious fruits this time you can say later (after making a couple for a while ) - well i'll just quickly make one and pop it here incase you fancy it.

It's much less confrontational making something side by side with someone than it is to talk to them, wonder what is expected of you.

Just appear to get on with interesting things and I think she will, in time, start to wonder what you are doing this time.

Don't engage or encourage her too much or she will keep away. Make it easy and open. She needs to drift in at her own pace... and drift off again and see that is safe.

I would never ever stop speaking to her.

I have worked with "difficult" teenagers and children with terrible home lives. I think they can all warm to you eventually if you are consistently available, firm where necessary, but non-judgemental and not too demanding.
Obvious this depends on the role you have in their lives but I think this is a good route for you.

Gently and unobtrusive I think you can change this.
Do not become overexcited but do not turn away!


Other grans will come along soon I think.
Good luck.

Is there any chance you could have the little girl when your husband and others aren’t around and maybe you could build up easier if there’s no one else in the picture Could you invite her to something you and her could do together (a kids show or outing ) or could she help you cook the meal if they stay for one
Have you talked to your son about it or just suffered in
silence ?
What s your relationship with your ex daughter-in-law is there any reason for her to having been encouraging the child to ignore you ?
The parents are divorced does she live with mum or dad ? is she an only child ? Does the dad bring her to see you on his own ? Three hours away isn’t that far why only three times a year does she not know you very well ? Have you ever had words or had to reprimand her that has stuck in her head ?
It’s a puzzle but walking away isn’t going to help you’re the adult you have to find the answer, she’s a kid and must have some reason ask her dad to ask her ‘Don’t you like Nan I notice you never speak to her? ‘
You need some support finding out some answers and a way forward

I think that, at 8, she is old enough from a conversation from grandad……….at the point of her fussing and throwing herself at him, he needs to be saying ‘hang on a minute young lady, how come you’re only nice to grandma when she’s buying you nice things. Don’t you think she might like a hug?’
Seemingly, this child has no social graces and only associates with people for her own gain. OP, stop buying her things and also the rest of the family need to stop enabling this spiteful, spoiled attitude in the child.

I would just stick with it. Is there some activity she could do with just you. Whilst her granddad is gushing over her, he should say, hey what about Nan, she's been looking forward to seeing you. The mother may or may not have influenced her but you have to be yourself as you can't do anything about it.

As hard as it may be to be treated this way, if you hope to have a loving 2-way relationship in the future then you have to hang on in there.
Just be yourself and treat her as if nothing is wrong or upsetting you. Chat to her, even if you feel you are talking to yourself, give her a hug when she goes and tell he you love her. Bit by bit , like water dripping on a stone, you will get there.
You are the adult in all this and she is an 8 year old little girl in the middle of split parents, through no fault of her own.

She could be a daddy's girl and by virtue of that relates to grandad better. I don't think this is personal, just her preferences. Perhaps she thinks grandad is fun. Be grateful that they have a good relationship. She will warm to you as she gets older. Have you tried introducing her to different things she may be interested in or doing an outing with just her and you or doing something that interests her in your house, just her and you?

Just step back and be yourself. Don’t force anything or try too hard with her. She’s probably ‘playing on it’ a bit and enjoys seeing you distanced.
Are there any other grandchildren? They could set an example to her in the way they treat you.

I understand why you are so hurt by this pearly and agree with Aldom that you need to have a conversation with your H about this situation.

He must have realised that she completely ignored you when you spoke when she first arrived, and should have said something to her at the time.

You could try a soft rebuke when you speak to her and she ignores you; 'I said hello/goodbye ......, didn't you hear me?' and during the visit keep it simple, asking if she wants a drink for example but not trying to engage her in conversation.

As much as you'd love to be hugged, I would put that on hold and not try to instigate it. If she doesn't want to acknowledge you're there, a hug is out of the question and I would restrict gifts to her birthday and Christmas.

I hope that things improve .

Can I respectfully suggest that you spend a bit of time reading about the psychology of 8-10 year olds.There are some excellent articles on line if you just put in these words.

I really think it might make you feel better about the way the granddaughter is behaving towards you.

It’s a time when they develop a growing confidence towards adults and learning to test some of their own power. It a time when most children try out a little bit of “bullying” towards others they see as vulnerable.. I don’t mean that negatively. It’s just a developmental stage.

But I think she senses your vulnerability in wanting to be loved and you are a very safe person for her to try out on.

Probably the best thing to do is to appear totally unaffected by anything she does. Concentrate on the other members of the family, having a good time with them, including her when it seems natural and not reacting in a hurt way. An eye roll with a shrug and a grin is a pretty effective response. A sort of “am I bothered”.

I think another member of the family speaking to her will probably only cause resentment and add to her perception of you as vulnerable.

What amazing advice! Thank you all so much. I feel much better reading such warm and kind advice. Every single response has helped me xx

Whether influenced by her mother or not don’t ignore her you don’t know what she is or is not told to do by her mother.
Have a chat with your DH and ask him to gently involve you in conversation he has with your GD. Children can be withdraw from company sometimes for no particular reason like adults they have their own personalities.
It would be a good idea (that’s assuming you communicate by phone in between visits). Let your DH initiate the conversation and include you while he is talking so it’s a group conversation or chat via WhatsApp. This would be an opportunity to ask if there is anything in particular she would like to do or see when you do get together. Find out what interests her the latest trends that are in the shops for girls her age instead of just buying something.
This will involve her ideas and make it more interesting if she decides what she would like. Don’t take it to heart be the adult and hopefully things will work out.

You need to have a heart to heart with your husband about how you feel about all this, has he even noticed?

I think grandad could influence how she treats you.
Are you the person who is always in the kitchen, preparing food for everyone, that sort of thing?
Grandad could take her on an important mission to choose some flowers or chocolates for her to give you as a thank you for looking after everyone so well.
If she sees that he values you she might see you differently.
You might need to spell it out to him though!

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide such wonderful advice. How kind you are xx

This is very sad but, whatever is behind her attitude, there is no excuse for bad manners. Before she gets any older, she needs to learn that she cannot treat people like this. Getting away with it in her family is one thing, outsiders will not tolerate it.

So sorry this is happening, I can imagine how hurt you must feel. How does your DH react to this? Surely as others have said he can have a word with your GD, perhaps ask her when she hugs him if grandma can have a hug too because she hasn’t had any.
Am not sure why your GD is like this, smaller children often go through phases of preferring a particular grandparent but at 8 she should be over this.
For now would try to get on with your life and try not to think about it too much, life’s too short. But insist your DH tries to remedy this, children can be cruel, but at 8 your GD needs to know that her behaviour towards you isn’t nice.
All the best with this.

Lathyrus3
"Probably the best thing to do is to appear totally unaffected by anything she does. Concentrate on the other members of the family, having a good time with them, including her when it seems natural and not reacting in a hurt way. An eye roll with a shrug and a grin is a pretty effective response. A sort of “am I bothered”.

I think another member of the family speaking to her will probably only cause resentment and add to her perception of you as vulnerable.

I think that this advice from Lathyrus is excellent.

Soon they turn into teens and adults and you may find you don't like her much as a person anyway and don't care that you didn't interact much earlier. I mean one can get overly sentimental about relationships with a child and in years to come it's probably either not going to matter, or she'll have developed enough social skills to understand she needs to include you.

Don't stop speaking to her.

I expect your dh spoils her, it's not fair but if she is a daddy's girl follows she could be also granddad's girl,
Do you have other grandchildren to spoil? Perhaps when she comes start cooking a cake and ask her would she like to help?
There are really quick recipes on Instagram using an airfryer, short enough time to keep her attention, my granddaughter loves to cook so long as the results are quick,
My older granddaughter liked making simple earrings with me.
You tube tuition...
I don't push just start something they like to help..
Candle decoration a doddle, shop candle, decorative serviettes and a hairdryer.
Just an idea...

You don’t know why she is cold towards you. Maybe you won’t ever know. But what you tell us is that instead of modelling bafflement or even asking her, you are willing to cut her out altogether. That is harsh, she is a child. Does she sense you are sensitive or displeased? Hang on in there. With good humour. Or you will fill her knowledge of you with a negative.