Moving closer to adult children- hard decisions

Or maybe you can visit them sometimes and one of them can take you to different areas to check what might be available movewise while your husband spends time with your GC, or if he is up to it can browse with you and yes,as pointed out he may fall for a place& want to move.But you need to have a full & frank chat with him about what exactly hes objecting to- is it the unknown of different medical teams/hospitals etc, or does he feel he wont be up to it? Etc etc.Try to allay his fears, and reveal to him a few of yours.And maybe you'll both reach more understanding of each others situation, fears, and expectations.You may reach a breakthrough,or some kind of compromise? What do your AC think? Their thoughts should count too.

Maybe you both can do 'some of the things you planned' now while your husband still can? When hes feeling up to it perhaps? And when you eventually move even if alone, i am sure your AC would rally to help you wouldnt they? I have been over 1- 2 hours away from my older children/grandchildren for many years now.My visits/stays with them are priceless.Try put yourself in your husbands shoes right now though- i am thinking that all he is facing terrifies him- and if you can give him peace of mind for now it will be priceless too.Perhaps you can get your AC to come visit you both more often with the GC, so you feel more supported,and your husband can spend some time with them whilst he can?

I personally wouldn't stay where I am, visit make a weekend out if it and stay in a hotel or b and b, that way you can have a break and also spend time with you family without relying on them,
Then in time your children can help look for somewhere to live for you.
I visit my family but like to stay in a hotel and visit,
If

I work out how much once a month is
and how much longer on earth we have even living to 100 it suits me

I'm disagreeing with the majority of comments on this thread since from vast experience as a bereavement therapist in a hospice I can say without hesitation that the person left behind needs a strong supportive network and that will only be available to OpheliaK if she moves now and not in however many years' time she is widowed. I note that she has moved house to be closer to her husband's work, so she has already made a sacrifice for much of her life. Her husband doesn't even believe he's dying. People live with cancer for many years. Is she expected to simply wait it out - experiencing anticipatory grief as well as missing the contact with her young grandchild? People can have cancer and still be selfish. If her husband doesn't think he's dying, his arguments for not moving can't centre around care issues - just saying ...

karmalady

Ophelia, your DH needs you 100% right now, please put away the thought of moving and enjoy every minute with DH, Reassure him that thoughts of moving are out of your mind and let his mind be at peace

I moved by myself at age 70 packed and organised everything by myself and would move again in future, next time with more help as befits my age when that happens, 77 now. It can be done by yourself but don`t make any big decisions nor be in a hurry

I agree entirely. It is difficult to think straight when your husband has been diagnosed with cancer and you know well that the time you and he have together is running out.

I have been through this particular mill and am now slowly coming to terms with widowhood.

People keep asking me if I intend to sell this house.

No, I do not. It is still OUR house to me, and if I move now it would make me feel that my husband was even farther away.

One day, I will probably want to sell up, as this house and garden will most likely become too much for me, but I shall cross the bridge when I come to it.

Your husband does not want to move - give him this last big present that consists in letting him stay as long as possible in the place he likes and means a lot to him.

When the inevitable happens, you will have the rest of your life to live. It is not an easy transition to make, but believe me, it is easier if you do not have anything serious to reproach yourself about.

And honestly the distance and the time it takes to go and visit your children and return home is not very great, is it?

Personally I think you are right to look at moving closer while your husband is alive and I am sure that he would value knowing that you were happy and settled before he bows out. Oh and yes I have had a cancer diagnosis with a 15% chance of surviving. However, I would want to die knowing my husband was settled.
Just do what is best for you.

I'm sorry about your husband's health, how hard it must be for you.
Please, before you consider this move, speak to your adult children first if you haven't already.
Just because you move closer, it doesn't mean the level of contact will increase - they may be happy with the level of contact that you have now and it would be a shame to move them find you don't get the connection you're hoping for, because you didn't consult whether more contact would work for them.

madeleine45 Perfect

the stress of moving house could accelerate things for your husband with all the stress. instead of another home is there a static caravan park or chalets nearby? there are a lot near us it does not need to be at the seaside for them! they are reasonably cheap especially if you buy second hand then you can stop now and again to enjoy family time as your husband feels well enough too. most let people stay 11 months of the year so often people move into them permanently and use the month of the year they have to be out for a holiday. if you bought one you may feel when you sadly have to be alone it might be an idea to move into it full time then sell your house. you could have a lot of savings then and in that month go all the holiday places you wish!!

I'd do it. Time with family is precious, and time isn't promised to anyone.

Stay where you are. Being near grandchildren is full of health hazards when you are elderly.

karmalady

Ophelia, your DH needs you 100% right now, please put away the thought of moving and enjoy every minute with DH, Reassure him that thoughts of moving are out of your mind and let his mind be at peace

I moved by myself at age 70 packed and organised everything by myself and would move again in future, next time with more help as befits my age when that happens, 77 now. It can be done by yourself but don`t make any big decisions nor be in a hurry

Good advice from karmalady

Moving is very stressful in my experience so it wouldn't be my choice to do that.
I think if you have savings it would be nice to stay in an airB&B or similar for a week or so a few times a year nearer to your children. That would give you all some quality time together without all the upheaval of moving?

I think you'd need to discuss buying a second home with your FA first because of the tax implications.
I think as others have suggested use your savings to rent an Airbnb or a hotel to have extended visits with your DC.

Thanks for this post. My heart goes out to you, I wanted to move 6 years ago to be nearer my DD and GC who live a good 5 hour journey each way!
My husband didn’t want to move and now he has a rare muscle wasting disease. I am mixed now about moving as when I hear and see issues and expectations from parents and AC it can lead to tensions! It’s much harder in your mid 70’s to meet new people.
On many levels I’m alright about not moving at this point and Que Sera, Sera!
Good luck and go gently with yourself.

I’m sorry for the situation you’re in, but personally I wouldn’t consider moving to be nearer my adult children. I’d definitely move but to where I want to be. It would be awful to move nearer and then find they up and off… they all have careers and are likely to move for advancement.

Ophelia so sorry about your husband but illness seems to come to families as older age arrives. It sounds like he has had a lot of hospital appointments but is still on the go. It must be difficult for you only are you sure that you really want to move right now? The grass is not always greener on the other side and if I could go back ten years in my life I would. My eldest daughter moved to London for work almost 20 years ago, I have one daughter living near me and she is okay and I have a son not far from me with a 3 year old son. The eldest daughter moved back to my area 5 years ago I get on with her but she is very opinionated and loves to speak her own mind. The eldest daughter has totally fallen out with the other daughter they had several big heated arguments and now they are finished. My son keeps out of things and I see my grandson about once a month i would like more but take what I can get. In all total honesty if I had the complete energy to clear my house and find something new I would but I have been somewhat unwell recently. I constantly dream about getting something near to the sea/coast not to be nearer my lot but to get away from them even though I am 69 years old.

If you are now aged under seventy, and have no health problems yourself nor any special needs such as dependent animals or your own employment you will be capable of the stress of moving house.

I can see both sides of this discussion and empathise with the enormity of the situation. I agree that a preliminarily discussion should be had with adult family to consider whether they also would like to have you both closer, in order to all spend more precious time together. I would consider moving as your last big adventure together before the situation progresses. After all it’s not where you are or house you live in, but the people in your life and the memories you make. Furthermore it may give your husband reassurance that when the inevitable comes knocking at the door, that you are settled and have family close by to support. As a retired palliative care nurse in my experience, often the person with a terminal illness is more concerned about the person they are leaving behind. I do think with honest discussion, and expression of fears and feelings for the future will help you to be finally on the same page. Sending you both a hug x

Ophelia, if your finances allow you to buy or rent a smaller cheaper place such as a flat closer to your family , would that not be the practical compromise?

After all, you don't want to move back to your old house after your husband dies. Why would you? Why not buy or rent the flat near your family, and get rid of the place you live in.

Your other main consideration is of course your husband's needs and wants. You should ask about the health care in your family's area. You should also ask your husband how much he is emotionally attached to where he lives at present.

If in fact your husband's prognosis is fairly good , all the more reason to have this talk with him.

Do move!

It will give you support; it will give him more contact with DGCs. He may not be up to the journey later.

My parents did just that, and dad died just 2 years after moving, but in the meanwhile, re-organised the local bowls club, trained the alter-boys, and did voluntary book-keeping for a number of small groups! Mum was therefore supported by all of his friends when it happened.

It will give you time to settle in to the local social scene as a couple - easier than as a singleton. It will give you a new area to explore, and it is not too far for old friends to visit.

Men do like their settled comfort zone, and you have moved to accommodate him, so now it is his turn.

You can do it in stages:

* Moving is a great way to declutter, so something to take his mind off what is happening.
* Start house hunting on-line, so you can see what is there. (You can sign up for feeds from Rightmove)
*Get a map and tick off good and bad
* You could join the facebook groups local to where you are thinking - our U3A group often has questions from people asking about the area because they are thinking of moving here for example.

But please do your research, if you are thinking about a flat. Senior flats come with so many costs and issues for heirs, and even general flats have service charges. Here, there are a lot of small bungalows suitable for older folks who do not need guest accommodation.

Good luck

Move now - it will be easier to see your family and vice versa.
Your DH will need a lot from you and you will benefit from family close by.
I would move sooner rather than later- all the very best xxx

I understand why you think moving would be better, but I think it would be difficult for your husband., also what you imagine it would be like and reality maybe very different. children these days don’t always want the obligation of seeing their parents regularly which is sad, so be cautious.

We moved whilst my husband was ill, he planned the house changes and we lived in temp accommodation for 3 months, he loved it and especially seeing the changes in the house. I too appreciate that you or your husband seem his illness as terminal

Cadenza123

Going against the grain I think that moving sooner rather than later is a good idea. Huw about starting to declutter now with a view to putting the house up for sale in the new year? You are fully entitled to want to move closer to your children in your present circumstances. You don't have to sacrifice your self.

Totally agree with you, I would want my family close by if my husband was living with terminal cancer