Moving closer to adult children- hard decisions

Ophelia, your DH needs you 100% right now, please put away the thought of moving and enjoy every minute with DH, Reassure him that thoughts of moving are out of your mind and let his mind be at peace

I moved by myself at age 70 packed and organised everything by myself and would move again in future, next time with more help as befits my age when that happens, 77 now. It can be done by yourself but don`t make any big decisions nor be in a hurry

You've let yourself become obsessed with the thought that everything would be improved by moving nearer to your children - it will only bring on a different catalogue of problems.
Your husband is dying, he doesn't want or need the stress and upheaval of moving, hasn't it been proved to be one of life's biggest stressful activities?
Please reconsider and concentrate of making his last years calm and peaceful, and put thoughts of moving on the back burner.

I would definitely put my husband first right now.
Those of us with good and loving husbands could be snatched apart at any moment and his situation is not certain. His happiness would be my happiness.

I have seen my friends suffer and don't want to cause any extra stress on these last few years together.

My mother-in-law moved to be near us at 95/ 96.
She had the whole house packed by the removal company.
Moving is not really an age thing. It's largely attitude I feel.
It costs more but can be done.

If you have spare cash, take a holiday house for a couple of weeks at a time and stay near your family.
Test out local towns and villages.
Maybe he will fall on love with somewhere, maybe he won't - but you will get to know the areas you may fancy in future.

Thinking of you.

You relocate to be closer to your children, what if they decide to move.
Your husband beeds peace at this time not the upheaval of moving.

The fact that you are thinking of moving to make things easier for yourself while your husband is dying I find upsetting.

Perhaps you could just think of this in a different way. I think you could stay where you are and your husband would not be feeling stressed about moving, but in the meantime start a bit of a plan for yourself. I have had cancer twice, and the thought of moving somewhere mid treatment, where I would have to get to know a whole new hospital and doctors and nurses etc., would have been awful to think of. The treatment took so much out of me that at least having people I knew and friends and home remaining the same was a help.

You also have to consider that if you did go for moving, you husband may feel worse once you have moved. This could be simply how the disease is going, but you would always wonder if it had made things worse. So instead could you have a plan to begin , slowly, to sort things out. You could begin with very simply as it is now autumn, looking at your own clothes and whilst doing the usual cleaning and putting away summer things and getting warmer things out, try to get rid of those things that you might have held onto for years and not worn. Then perhaps look at a room by room basis and look to se what you might be able to get rid of. So if you sort of thought , what would I take with me, if we moved, and then made some decisions about decluttering rooms.

Now your husband may not enjoy sorting things out, in which case , you could just start doing your own things and then just say another day, I am going to look through the drawers in the dining room, or whatever and leave him out of it, . My husband was a great sorter out, and quite ruthless about throwing things away or passing them on, and I am the one who hates to lose a single book, but not much worried about furniture. So possibly it might be something he would want to do with you. Either way, you have begun to make things simpler for you both. Then you may get to a point where you feel able to go through important documents, check that they are up to date and still covering what they are meant to. This will mean that you should end up with more peace of mind that you know where documents are, what they say, how up to date they are. I think that doing something like this, is preparing you for the time when you know you are likely to be alone, without actually putting you through the upheaval of moving yourselves. Perhaps you could also speak to your family on your own, face to face and work out if they would be able to come to you and give you more support as you need it. If that is not going to be possible then if you speak to the Macmillan nursers, they have a lot of experience in this area and should be able to give you ideas and advice that might make it a little less frightening for you. If your husband is the one who pays specific bills or does the household accounts , sit with him and ask him to explain how they work, and better than that if he could have a notebook and put dates and amounts and who you pay for this and that , will give you a clearer idea of finances and how it all works over the month. The more you are up to date , the more you know where things are, like at this time of year I am always saying to friends who have moved, do you know where the stopcock, and the fuses are for things. It is much harder when you are fumbling around for things instead of knowing where they are kept.

I hope you and your husband can still have some shared pleasure and time together, and that you will gain confidence in your own ability by learning a few bits and pieces.

Jackiest

The fact that you are thinking of moving to make things easier for yourself while your husband is dying I find upsetting.

I disagree, I think in a situation where you are living with a DH with a terminal disease, the strain on the persons partner is just as intense, though different, to that of the ill person themselves.

People find themselves props to help them deal with the difficulties of living with a partner with a terminal illness. The idea of living closer to other family is an obvious prop.

OpheliaK has all my sympathy and understanding. She wants both herself and her DH to be closer to their family in his last year or so. I can fully understand that.

Jackiest

The fact that you are thinking of moving to make things easier for yourself while your husband is dying I find upsetting.

Just for info, my husband does not consider he is dying. He lives in hope that his treatment will buy him time (which it has for 4 years so far) or that a newer treatment may become available.

It's not simply to make things 'easier' for myself, but so we both see more of our family while he's well enough to enjoy them.

But I accept that it's probably not the right time.

100% put your husband first. The stress of moving house and location is horrible then add Cancer onto that...

Have you spoke to your adult children about moving closer to them? Are you expecting them to change their lives and routine to add you in? I know that sounds awful but you need to be on the same page as them.

M0nica

Jackiest

The fact that you are thinking of moving to make things easier for yourself while your husband is dying I find upsetting.

I disagree, I think in a situation where you are living with a DH with a terminal disease, the strain on the persons partner is just as intense, though different, to that of the ill person themselves.

People find themselves props to help them deal with the difficulties of living with a partner with a terminal illness. The idea of living closer to other family is an obvious prop.

OpheliaK has all my sympathy and understanding. She wants both herself and her DH to be closer to their family in his last year or so. I can fully understand that.

Thank you @M0nica, that's right.

No one can say how long he has left. His dr can't. He could have 2 -5 years or maybe more.

But I agree that the time is probably not right considering the stress of moving.

Thank you for your understanding.
This diagnosis came 6 months before he retired and we've lost many of our plans to do all sorts of things after both us us working hard for over 40 years. It came as a huge shock as he he had no risk factors and had a very healthy lifestyle. I am still working for myself , very part time, so I do have interests.

And yes, on balance I agree with the comments here that the time is not right.

Thank you all for giving me your thoughts.

But being faced with this, it makes you realise how family is all that matters, and I'd like to see more of them. It's as simple as that.

Thank you Madeleine45.

I'm sorry to hear about your own health and hope you are ok now.

Yes, you speak sense and we are already doing all of that.
We're having a good clear out of the house, not because of his circumstances but now the children have left.

We also have a good FA and are working with him on priorities. I lived on my own for years before we married, so I'm fairly independent and know my way around the money side of things.

Going against the grain I think that moving sooner rather than later is a good idea. Huw about starting to declutter now with a view to putting the house up for sale in the new year? You are fully entitled to want to move closer to your children in your present circumstances. You don't have to sacrifice your self.

I've been my husband's carer for 35 years, like OP id like to live nearer my children. He can't face it so I can't. When is it my turn? It didn't used to matter but I'm in my 70s now and it is like what the OP and I want/need just doesn't matter. The OP has been jn this situation for years and it could go in for years and meanwhile GC grow up and we get older. I say again when is it out turn?

If it will be so easy for OP to move when she's older and alone why isn't it easy now? No one is suggesting that he should do all the physical moving anymore than she should do it in the future.

Oh I know, we are supposed to be uncomplaining martyrs.

Cadenza123

Going against the grain I think that moving sooner rather than later is a good idea. Huw about starting to declutter now with a view to putting the house up for sale in the new year? You are fully entitled to want to move closer to your children in your present circumstances. You don't have to sacrifice your self.

Hear hear.

Perhaps the idea of a holiday flat is a good one if financially viable? One of our children moved to a lovely part of the country several hours away. When they started a family we bought a lovely flat a few miles from them and came down every two or three weeks and were available for childminding if required. It worked well, we saw the then babies regularly and our other child loves it here too so came down often. During covid we made the decision to move here permanently after over 40 years. We subsequently bought a house near the flat and are very pleased we made the move. I miss my friends, but living by the sea means they come and stay and we go up to see them regularly. I have made friends here and am busy, although nothing replaces your very old mates. We are part of our gcs lives and hopefully when we do need help our children will be there for us.

I was very in a similar position many years ago with a husband who had been told “We can’t cure this but we can buy you time.”
So I do have immense sympathy for you as his partner.

I would (and did) stay in our house, though I would have liked to move. The GP and hospital knew us and were familiar with our needs, as was the dentist and other support services. Just the thought of relocating and beginning again with new people was enough to keep us where we were.

You say you have enough money to buy something closer to your family and that is what I would do. Something that you really like and that you could see yourself in at some point in the future. But that you can both live in now to enjoy extended visits to your family and getting to know a new area.

We found it a benefit to have a new project to focus on, which wasn’t another property admittedly. It felt important to have things in the pipeline, to be thinking doing. Otherwise it just felt as if we were in limbo, waiting.

It’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it💐

To me the answer is simply don’t move. You say your husband is adamant he does not want to. He is not well. His wishes are paramount.

I remember asking a young mum how she was, I was picking up GC and I heard her husband had cancer. She burst into tears and said no one ever asked how she was, she was just supposed to care for him, for the children and work full-time. Moving back closer to her family would have made such a difference but no they moved there to suit him and there they stayed.

Happy result was he was cured, unhappy result he left her. Now she's trapped as her children are settled here so she still can't go back home.

Do women ever get considered?

OpheliaK

Jackiest

The fact that you are thinking of moving to make things easier for yourself while your husband is dying I find upsetting.

Just for info, my husband does not consider he is dying. He lives in hope that his treatment will buy him time (which it has for 4 years so far) or that a newer treatment may become available.

It's not simply to make things 'easier' for myself, but so we both see more of our family while he's well enough to enjoy them.

But I accept that it's probably not the right time.

I think you are correct, the timing is wrong.

Allow your husband his hope from where you now live.

Moving could be difficult with his health limitations.

Perhaps wait a few years?

Moving house can be a nightmare, we are moving and I am a carer for my DH, is really hard decluttering and getting the house ready for viewings when looking after my DH but we had decided in better times to move and are going to a bungalow more suited to his disabilities as well as nearer to family who are trying to help from a distance, coming and going with the GCs most weekends , the move will suit them as much as us and I don’t intend to lean on anyone, will manage on my own most of the time anyway.
But it is hard, getting a solicitor doing all the paperwork and getting the house ready to view. Am not sure that in your situation you have thought through the toll moving house can take on a person.
Worth considering.

Good advice already given to which I can't add other than if you were to move closer to your children would that guarantee more contact between you all? Only you know what committments your family have. I only ask this because I know of a couple who moved from their piece of heaven to be nearer their daughter. She would visit fairly often and due to the distance would stay for the weekends. Now they've moved to within an hour's drive from the her they see her far less now Than when they lived over 100 miles away. It won't be easy whatever you do and I wish you both all the best.

Your husband wants to stay in his home his familiar surroundings and near his oncologist and hospital I think you owe that to him

Why is there a lack of contact between you and the adult children and the new baby?
Has the arrival of the baby brought up some feelings for you and do the AC express a desire to have you close at hand?
1.5 hours is do able in a day, easily done with a stop over.