Moving closer to adult children- hard decisions

Excellent advice Madeleine. Both DH and myself have had serious health problems but reasonably ok now. We had thought of moving about 50 miles but the thought of having to sort new GPs, find our way around new hospitals was quite scary. Family are within a few miles away. If one of us passed, the one left would want to be near Family which would mean another move. We can always have a day trip to where we would've moved away to.
As for decluttering, I periodically do this just to keep things tidy and upto date, for whatever reason it may be needed.in the future.
Ophelia... I wish you all the best

I am so sorry, what a very difficult choice.

One thought is that maintaining two properties is quite expensive and time consuming, with increased stamp duty, and community charge, etc, on the second property.

Have you thought of going to see your children and staying for a night or several each time near them in a B&B or Travelodge or similar? Some friends do something like this and say it’s much cheaper than relocating or running a second home.

On the other hand buying a flat as a second home near your children now could become your primary home when or if your husband is no longer here.

And I may have missed it, but with your husbands ongoing and probably deteriorating health issues, staying near to his current doctor and hospital might be useful.

Hope things go well, whatever you decide.

🌷

Mabon, please be a little gentler when replying. You often come over as very hard and unsympathetic.

Men always have there way with these decisions. It's the way of it.

I am so sorry your husband has cancer.
We moved a long way to be nearer our children.
I wasn’t keen but persuaded by others! It was ok at first but not now. Hardly see anyone even family and I am not keen on the area! Sadly illness has taken its toll so not many choices left.
Why not stay where you are with the friends you have and a place you know.
The grass is not always greener!
I wish you both well.

Buy a flat near children and rent it out, using a managing agent. You will not have the full cost of two homes and flat ready when needed. You might feel problem half solved at least. Keep an eye on new legislation though, renters rights etc.

What is the matter with you? Your husband is dying, you should put him first and forget about moving and all the upheaval it incurs.

This is the end of your husband's life, let him live it in his own home without having the extra burden and stress of even having to think about relocation. I think he has much more important things to think about and so do you. When the worst happens you may be glad to be in your own home with memories and in your own area with friends and acquaintances.

OpheliaK

And yes, on balance I agree with the comments here that the time is not right.

Thank you all for giving me your thoughts.

But being faced with this, it makes you realise how family is all that matters, and I'd like to see more of them. It's as simple as that.

Could you be trying to substitute a solvable problem for an insoluble one? I could see myself taking that route as a distraction. Could you use the money you think of as 'available' to help your family come to you, or an hotel/apartment near you?

Life throws some curve balls alright doen't it?

When you are young you catch the ball and play with it.
Older, things appear differently.

Chardy

In practical terms, OpheliaK's life is nothing like mine, so I'm trying to give an unbiased perspective.
If I were terminally ill, one of my concerns would be how my partner was going to cope after I've gone. The idea that they'd have to grieve, adjust to single life, find the energy to move while grieving, and then adjust again would make me sad.
My parents downsized 5 miles away because my dad was terminally ill, we couldn't see mum coping with a lone move after he died. And I've friends who've moved a long way with one partner really quite poorly.

You put it well. If it was me I would want to ensure things were as easy as possible for my husband.

Allira

Don't move nearer to your children, so it is said. They may well move away again, for work or other reasons.

Your husband needs some calm and stability just now, not the stress of moving.

What qualifies as just now? He's been having treatment for four years, treatment still working but when it stops he'll have a few years so we could easily looking at just now being ten years or more with OP knows that at the end of that she will be older, maybe unwell herself and faced with being isolated or facing the move alone. Maybe think about what she needs.

I ran this by Mr C who said in the situation described he would be torn. He’d want me to be where I wanted to live, being nearer to family would be sensible. However, he’d also not want to lose contact with the oncology team and a GP who knew him. He’d suggest, finances permitting, a second home where I’d want to be, once he or I could no longer travel then either rent it out or mothball it until the inevitable happened. The one left left alive would then have a choice where to live. Once the choice was made the other property could be sold.

Not sure if I think it would work but it’s logical.

In practical terms, OpheliaK's life is nothing like mine, so I'm trying to give an unbiased perspective.
If I were terminally ill, one of my concerns would be how my partner was going to cope after I've gone. The idea that they'd have to grieve, adjust to single life, find the energy to move while grieving, and then adjust again would make me sad.
My parents downsized 5 miles away because my dad was terminally ill, we couldn't see mum coping with a lone move after he died. And I've friends who've moved a long way with one partner really quite poorly.

Don't move nearer to your children, so it is said. They may well move away again, for work or other reasons.

Your husband needs some calm and stability just now, not the stress of moving.

Why is there a lack of contact between you and the adult children and the new baby?
Has the arrival of the baby brought up some feelings for you and do the AC express a desire to have you close at hand?
1.5 hours is do able in a day, easily done with a stop over.

Your husband wants to stay in his home his familiar surroundings and near his oncologist and hospital I think you owe that to him

Good advice already given to which I can't add other than if you were to move closer to your children would that guarantee more contact between you all? Only you know what committments your family have. I only ask this because I know of a couple who moved from their piece of heaven to be nearer their daughter. She would visit fairly often and due to the distance would stay for the weekends. Now they've moved to within an hour's drive from the her they see her far less now Than when they lived over 100 miles away. It won't be easy whatever you do and I wish you both all the best.

Moving house can be a nightmare, we are moving and I am a carer for my DH, is really hard decluttering and getting the house ready for viewings when looking after my DH but we had decided in better times to move and are going to a bungalow more suited to his disabilities as well as nearer to family who are trying to help from a distance, coming and going with the GCs most weekends , the move will suit them as much as us and I don’t intend to lean on anyone, will manage on my own most of the time anyway.
But it is hard, getting a solicitor doing all the paperwork and getting the house ready to view. Am not sure that in your situation you have thought through the toll moving house can take on a person.
Worth considering.

OpheliaK

Jackiest

The fact that you are thinking of moving to make things easier for yourself while your husband is dying I find upsetting.

Just for info, my husband does not consider he is dying. He lives in hope that his treatment will buy him time (which it has for 4 years so far) or that a newer treatment may become available.

It's not simply to make things 'easier' for myself, but so we both see more of our family while he's well enough to enjoy them.

But I accept that it's probably not the right time.

I think you are correct, the timing is wrong.

Allow your husband his hope from where you now live.

Moving could be difficult with his health limitations.

Perhaps wait a few years?

I remember asking a young mum how she was, I was picking up GC and I heard her husband had cancer. She burst into tears and said no one ever asked how she was, she was just supposed to care for him, for the children and work full-time. Moving back closer to her family would have made such a difference but no they moved there to suit him and there they stayed.

Happy result was he was cured, unhappy result he left her. Now she's trapped as her children are settled here so she still can't go back home.

Do women ever get considered?

To me the answer is simply don’t move. You say your husband is adamant he does not want to. He is not well. His wishes are paramount.

I was very in a similar position many years ago with a husband who had been told “We can’t cure this but we can buy you time.”
So I do have immense sympathy for you as his partner.

I would (and did) stay in our house, though I would have liked to move. The GP and hospital knew us and were familiar with our needs, as was the dentist and other support services. Just the thought of relocating and beginning again with new people was enough to keep us where we were.

You say you have enough money to buy something closer to your family and that is what I would do. Something that you really like and that you could see yourself in at some point in the future. But that you can both live in now to enjoy extended visits to your family and getting to know a new area.

We found it a benefit to have a new project to focus on, which wasn’t another property admittedly. It felt important to have things in the pipeline, to be thinking doing. Otherwise it just felt as if we were in limbo, waiting.

It’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it💐

Perhaps the idea of a holiday flat is a good one if financially viable? One of our children moved to a lovely part of the country several hours away. When they started a family we bought a lovely flat a few miles from them and came down every two or three weeks and were available for childminding if required. It worked well, we saw the then babies regularly and our other child loves it here too so came down often. During covid we made the decision to move here permanently after over 40 years. We subsequently bought a house near the flat and are very pleased we made the move. I miss my friends, but living by the sea means they come and stay and we go up to see them regularly. I have made friends here and am busy, although nothing replaces your very old mates. We are part of our gcs lives and hopefully when we do need help our children will be there for us.

Cadenza123

Going against the grain I think that moving sooner rather than later is a good idea. Huw about starting to declutter now with a view to putting the house up for sale in the new year? You are fully entitled to want to move closer to your children in your present circumstances. You don't have to sacrifice your self.

Hear hear.