Moving closer to adult children- hard decisions

Good luck when you feel the time is right. I've just had 3 year old GC staying for 3 days while parents had a break. I'm taking him home now and spending the night. I think it is starting to make DH realise how much time we are missing. Maybe I will be able to move one day.

I mentioned a few posts back that if we moved my H would still be treated in the same place. I won't elaborate, as it could be outing, but that's how it is.

I have also said that for the moment, I'm putting the idea on hold.

However, the bigger picture is that I feel my needs have always taken 2nd place for decades.

To clear up a few things, I am not talking of going 'home' to
where I grew up which is 100s of miles away.

My parents are still there, It's a deprived area and that is why I moved away for work, after university. I had little choice at the time.

I was considering trying to move back when I met my H. I ended up moving closer to his work and the house he owned, still 100s of miles from my parents.

Over the years I mentioned moving again to him, closer to my parents- like an hour or two away, rather than 5 hrs. He didn't want to - work reasons. Once my children were at snr schools we decided it was too late to uproot them.

So I missed out on having support as a young mum- no grandparents around to help which impacted on my own career - and now I'm missing out as a gran!

But I know any move would be stressful so I won't do it at the moment.

Skydancer

If moving means your husband’s treatment would still be in the same place then there’s nothing to really stop you. With that in mind I’d say stop overthinking and just go for it. It sounds as if you will be happier.

Absolutely, time for OPs wants to take priority.

If moving means your husband’s treatment would still be in the same place then there’s nothing to really stop you. With that in mind I’d say stop overthinking and just go for it. It sounds as if you will be happier.

I hear you regarding long drives to see elderly parents.

I do think chatting some of this through with a professional might be money well spent.

Kind Regards.

I didn't expect so many replies, so thank you.

To summarise, I'll say that I have parked the idea of moving in the immediate future, but it may be a medium or longer term consideration.

This is partly because my parents (in their late 90s) and still living in their own home, are 5 hours away from me. Moving closer to my children would increase that distance.

Let me start by saying that some of the comments based here are not correct, but I don't want to say too much as it can be 'outing'.

For example, moving would not change where my husband has his treatment. He'd just be travelling from a different direction.

I felt hurt at some of the comments saying 'He's dying, what are you thinking of?'

Note everyone with cancer is about to die imminently. As a kind poster pointed out, some people live with cancer for many years. At the moment, his life is around 70% 'normal' in terms of what he can do.

I considered moving because I've spent my life compromising and not being able to do what I really wanted.

When I married I relocated, leaving my professional job and friends because my husband was the higher earner and already owned a house.

I wanted to move closer to my parents but he wasn't keen (work, again) and when our children were settled in good schools, we felt that ship had sailed. I've spent decades driving long distances (often on my own) to see my parents.

We became grandparents late in life- almost 70- and I'd love to spend more time with my family now (having not been able to with my own parents) while I'm well enough and able to help out. I know they'd like that and I' d not 'take over' or be round there every 5 minutes!

However, I do appreciate that if my husband's years are limited, I should be mindful of that and keep relocating for the future, although at the same time I feel I've compromised all my married life for one reason or another.
Ultimately I want to be near my children. I may have to postpone that for some time but I know where I'd live , my only thoughts were it would be nice to get 'established' as a couple, rather than me doing it on my own and trying to build a new life when I'm older.

There are options which have been mentioned- use an Airbnb more often (we've done that already). We'd considered renting somewhere, but the prices are so high and the outgoing would be money 'wasted' so that probably isn't going to work. If we bought a flat nearby there are so many pitfalls with leaseholds we're wary of that.

Thanks to everyone for their input. I won't come back but sharing this has cleared my mind a bit. Thank you

Would you consider renting somewhere very close to your children for say a year? Splitting time between the 2 places would be a good test to see how you like it?
Might give you both new interests and a clue as to whether to make it permanent. Also could fit in with hospital appts etc

It’s a difficult situation for you, isn’t it? I can understand why you would like to be nearer to your children (although there’s no guarantee that they will stay where they are).

However, your husband is receiving treatment in a place he is familiar with, with doctors and nurses he knows. Going to somewhere new will likely disrupt that familiarity and certainty and unless you both feel he is in a place where the care isn’t as it could be, then staying put is probably for the best (what are the care facilities like where you could potentially be moving to? - the post code lottery regarding health care exists, sadly).

Moving is well known to be stressful anyway, but with the added problem of serious ill health, it will be worse. It’s an upheaval that your OH could probably do without.

However, we are strangers to you, looking at this from our unaffected viewpoint. I would suggest (if you haven’t already done so), discussing this in depth with your OH and your family, listing all the pros and cons, but being careful not to put unnecessary stress and pressure on your already unwell husband.
I wish you all the best.

I am not sure if the OP is still reading, as quite early on she decided it was not the right time to move.
My husband had life-limiting conditions, but was not terminally ill. We moved nearer to family some ten years before he died, at a time when he was in reasonable health.
We have had time with the grandchildren together ( they are almost adults now ) and I have been so grateful that we had already moved here long before he died. I think it would have been so much harder to have coped with his final months, then bereavement if I had not had family around me. DH was not one to talk about issues, but he thought deeply and I am sure he had this situation in mind when he agreed to move all those years ago. He didn’t really want to but settled happily.

So I understand the OPs dilemma. Try to get your children’s views, and if you still feel it would be right to move, maybe they could discuss a move with their father, not ganging up on him, but exploring possibilities.

OP I feel for you, I am starting to resent my husband so much. None of us know how long we have and my fear is I will die first and that means I will die here. My husband won't move, your husband will if you insist. My advice is if you really want to move then insist.

StripeyGran

Sadly I have found " going back " is not a good thing.

If it's a 1.5 to 2 HR journey it isn't where she started, that is further away.

Allira she says she's unhappy. She says she wants to live nearer her children, Does she say it's where she grew up?

I've lived where I am for 30 years, I hate it. It's ok, small town on the coast, nice beaches but I'm a city girl and yes I worked, my kids went to school here. I don't want to live here and if OP is unhappy why shouldn't she have a turn at saying where she wants to live?

I've been married for 40 years, my husband is disabled and I've come very close to just walking out in the last few months. Maybe my husband and OPs husband needs to have a think about what they are doing.

Jackiest

The fact that you are thinking of moving to make things easier for yourself while your husband is dying I find upsetting.

Dear me that is not kindly expressed is it. The OP is trying to work out a very difficult conundrum and made clear that her hisband is in a SLOW and STEADY decline which will leave him a few years once treatment stops working. He is NOT in the last stage of his life. The OP is right to think about things from all aspects!

It’s understandable that you’d like to be nearer your children and grandchild but your husband staying with the same medical team might matter to him. Being familiar with the hospital can be very important to cancer patients. That familiarity and feeling you’re ‘known’ to some extent might make him feel more reassured than having to negotiate a new place with unfamiliar buildings and staff. It seems rather self-focused to ask him to choose between his own comfort and well being and your keenness to be nearer the family. When the time comes (and I hope it’s a long time in the future) you could move then. In the meantime make the most of every minute with him.

Does your child know you are thinking about moving nearer them? It might be worth discussing what they think.
Also what hospitals, victims etc are in the area you are thinking of. What reputation do they have for the treatment your husband needs?
Whatever your decision I wish you luck and hope everything works out well for you all

Sadly I have found " going back " is not a good thing.

theworriedwell

Allsorts

I would put my husband first, he doesn't the stress if a move he has said so.
When you are on your own there's nothing to stop you moving. It happens to many of us. When I move I will be in my eighties. I am not superwoman, Iworry about things but somehow all gets done. Enjoy your time with dh or you will regret it.

OP has spent decades living where her husband wanted to be. Wouldn't it be lovely if he put her first for once.

It's fine moving alone, it's fine moving when older but OP wants to move now and have time with DC and DGC. She can't get this time back

OP has spent decades living where her husband wanted to be. Wouldn't it be lovely if he put her first for once.

Surely Ophelia must have made a life there too? The children would have go to school there, probably she had a job and they must have had a social network too?

Going back to where you grew up is not always a good idea.

I do hope the treatment continues to work, Ophelia and who knows what advances are being made in treatments.

I agree with StripeyGran.

Who's to know grown children may not move away for all kinds of reasons, too?
They would be left in a place where they know no-one else, having to negotiate new doctors, dentist, hospitals, and find new friends.

We can't rely on our children for our wellbeing and happiness, it's not fair on them.

Thank goodness we bit the bullet and have just moved. DD and I had been discussing the issue for some years. Having an unmarried daughter, who wants to stay that way, I didn't want anyone thinking we were doing the traditional thing and expecting the unmarried daughter to look after the aged parents, with the son uninvolved.. But she was insistent that that was the way she wanted it. DS is married with a family, and was very happy for us to move near him, but where he lives is too far from other family and friends.

Well, we moved in July. DH's health has not been good and yesterday he was admitted to hospital. Today we were due to have five different tradesmen visit us (their announed dates, not our choice.

The three of us immediately reached the conclusion that I would stay home and deal with all the workmen as it is impossible to cancel all 5 with such short notice. DD is working from home today and spoke to her employer, who like most employers, is very understanding when immediate family have crisis and if DH is discharged she will collect him, visit if a visit is required and I will visit him as soon as the last tradesman has gone.

Not only that, but the new local hospital is closer, easier to get to, easier to park at and, based on yesterday' time spent there, better organised and better run than the hospital we had to deal with in our previous location.

GoldenAge

I'm disagreeing with the majority of comments on this thread since from vast experience as a bereavement therapist in a hospice I can say without hesitation that the person left behind needs a strong supportive network and that will only be available to OpheliaK if she moves now and not in however many years' time she is widowed. I note that she has moved house to be closer to her husband's work, so she has already made a sacrifice for much of her life. Her husband doesn't even believe he's dying. People live with cancer for many years. Is she expected to simply wait it out - experiencing anticipatory grief as well as missing the contact with her young grandchild? People can have cancer and still be selfish. If her husband doesn't think he's dying, his arguments for not moving can't centre around care issues - just saying ...

But doesn't she say she is happy enough in her present location?
Perhaps she has that network there. Who knows if a busy family will provide the supportive network?

Best of luck OP and Kind Regards.

Allsorts

I would put my husband first, he doesn't the stress if a move he has said so.
When you are on your own there's nothing to stop you moving. It happens to many of us. When I move I will be in my eighties. I am not superwoman, Iworry about things but somehow all gets done. Enjoy your time with dh or you will regret it.

OP has spent decades living where her husband wanted to be. Wouldn't it be lovely if he put her first for once.

It's fine moving alone, it's fine moving when older but OP wants to move now and have time with DC and DGC. She can't get this time back

Lots of 2 week holidays near to your AC,s assuming that your husband is well enough and between Hospital appointments.

That way you can get some much needed support and your husband can continue his care with Doctors that he knows.

He might even come around to wanting to move.

Well said

I would put my husband first, he doesn't the stress if a move he has said so.
When you are on your own there's nothing to stop you moving. It happens to many of us. When I move I will be in my eighties. I am not superwoman, Iworry about things but somehow all gets done. Enjoy your time with dh or you will regret it.

Good luck