Lonely this Christmas

Madeleine45, what a brilliant post! Says everything I planned to write, and more. At the risk of sounding patronising, I have to say, ‘well done!’

Why not ask your daughters if you can go to them and join in the family christmas they are having together?

I understand you feeling hurt that this year is not going to be how it has been for you, your children and GC for many years. It almost sounds like everyone "fell into" this pattern and your expectation is ingrained so now you are somewhat in shock. Until your Mum was widowed you, husband and children always spent Christmas with her ( so never with your husband's family). Then your mother came to you, your husband and children (are you an only child? If not your mother never spent Christmas with your sibling/s?) until she passed away.

This year things have changed as happens in life, nothing unusual about that. Your son has been invited to spend Christmas Day at girlfriend's house, has accepted and told you in good time. He has seen his father spend every Christmas with you, his wife, so that is his learned experience. Maybe your 2 daughters are aware of their brother changing the usual pattern so feel they can also do something different for a change. Are they going to SIL's parents just for Christmas Day or staying for for longer? If going just Christmas Day, I really don't see what the problem is apart from not finding change easy to cope with. Your children will be free after Christmas Day so you could invite them to celebrate Christmas with you just a day/s later or treat New Year as Christmas.

Has your husband actually told you " I have my own social arrangements and they don't include you"? Or are you assuming he will go to the pub for 2 hours as he has done on previous years and will come back somewhat worse for wear as has happened before? Your primary relationship is with your husband. Do you want to spend time with him on Christmas Day- if so talk together and compromise together. If that doesn't end well, the problem is bigger than Christmas Day arrangements....

Try to be accepting of children's plans for Christmas Day this year. Show them by way of example you can be flexible, understanding, gracious towards your SIL's family, i.e. show them you understand that it probably is a little bit unreasonable to expect everything to carry on year after year on Christmas Day, without any change. Plan something alternative just not on Christmas Day itself and really enjoy your lovely family ( husband may be a work in progress, but lead the way on communication- he may surprise you 🤞🤞.

Do you have any hobbies ? maybe get a jigsaw to pass the hours away or if you sew or knit then make something. the hours pass away quite quickly when you are engrossed in some new task.
Treat yourself to a self beauty day - a face mask, foot spa etc
or
make yourself a nice meal - not the usual Xmas fayre but something new and fancy .
If the weather is kind then go for a nice walk
snuggle up on the sofa and watch a nice film

Xmas day is just one set of 24 hours . This year is a Thursday so the shops will be open again on the Saturday if not the Friday.

Have you considered going away for a few days over Xmas - there are lots of single hotels open at Xmas .

You are a strong woman -so treat yourself to your "me time"

I would be very upset. I would make it plain that if my husband, my partner in life left me alone on xmas day then his case would be by the door. To me it's respect. waiting for the backlash

I think it’s important to accept that our grown up families won’t always spend Christmas with us, for whatever reason. If we hang onto tradition too much and expect the same every year, we are bound to be disappointed at some time. However, you aren’t on your own (if you had been, maybe your family would’ve thought again). With respect, your husband is behaving selfishly and if it was me, I wouldn’t accept that it’s ok for him to spend it in the pub and leave you at home. Perhaps you can both compromise. Maybe spend some time together in the pub, perhaps even have your lunch there if you can, and then leave him for an hour on his own, if he must have that time to himself. Similarly on Boxing Day, arrange something for you both, not just for him. Christmas is surely a time for giving…and that’s not just presents.

I understand why you are hurt, but I am sadly afraid that anything you say about feeling excluded will only make matters worse.

Why is your husband making plans that do not include you?

This is, forgive me if I am sticking my nose in, perhaps the issue you need to concentrate on.

Have you asked him, if you could go with him?

Or have you considered whether the Salvation Army, local hospital or care home could do with a volunteer?

Why not see if a local town is putting on a Christmas Day event for the homeless or elderly alone and volunteer there? You'll have a busy and lovely time, sharing your day with the clients and fellow volunteers.

Christmas is just one day. Get some food you enjoy and a good book. When husband passes you'll have a nice routine to look forward to.

You could volunteer at a feed the homeless point on the day. Just a thought.

I think you have 2 realistic options. 1. Tell your Dh others are going elsewhere this Xmas day and you will be alone. Maybe you can go to pub with him, or at least he comes home for lunch with you. 2. Look around your village for anyone else who is likely to be alone on Xmas day and invite them over. You might find you make new friends and have a lovely day together even if they only come across for 2 hours for Xmas lunch itself then leave. You could also invite your family around for Boxing Day.

Hard,though. Maybe organise to go somewhere nice for a Christmas dinner or even go on a cruise somewhere - a lot of people go alone.

They have come to you in the past and this year is different. So what? It’s only one day and it’s over hyped anyway.
Have a day on your own. Special food and drink that you like. Feet up and watch what you want and enjoy!!! Go sod them and enjoy the peace and quiet! No running about after ungrateful people. Sounds bliss to me!!!

I am not a sociable person and hate all the Christmas hype. The last two years I have chosen to spend the day alone and ate my favourite food - a baked Camembert with crusty bread.. I really enjoyed my day doing as I wished. I saw family, all adults now, on other days over the period.
I intend doing the same for this and future years.
Perhaps you could grow to like the restful solitude. I wish you a peaceful day.

Perhaps ask if you could join them and leave your OH to go to the pub and make himself beans on toast?

The OP did say it was the other side of the country, so maybe too far for her??

It did occur to me that maybe the sisters had organised a holiday break together and Xmas Day is just one part of it.

I would go gently OP when you meet up with your daughter. I’m a bit afraid that if you say “ did you consider my feelings” she might retort with “ And have you ever considered mine”!

Maybe your Christmas haven’t always been what she or her sister wanted?

Whatdididowrong does your husband have a problem with drink that the family want a break from possibly 🤷🏻‍♀️?
Apologies if I’m misunderstanding your comments.

“Pub is open for 2 hours, but that is time enough to make someone pretty unsociable”

PaynesGrey

Some good thoughts.

But then maybe, in all this time, you never invited the parents in law and their daughter to your place?

Christmas and any celebration without DIL's parents, and now just her DM, and others if they're here, would be unthinkable and she includes us too.

What seems odd to me is that you and your husband weren’t invited to this gathering which, if I am understanding this, would mean eleven people instead of nine including two 12 year old children.

Two more people at a dinner table shouldn’t make a huge difference. Dining tables can usually be extended with a plank of wood under the tablecloth if necessary. You could throw a couple of dining chairs in the boot of your car if they don’t have enough. Neighbours who aren’t entertaining, can usually be called on to lend a couple of extra chairs.

But then maybe, in all this time, you never invited the parents in law and their daughter to your place?

Say to your daugher that you and your husband would love to spend Christmas Day with everybody and would it be ok to tag along and book into a nearby hotel for the night. Offer to provide some of the food if you think that’s right. Or you and your husband could have lunch at the hotel and call in to see everyone in the afternoon. Maybe the four men folk would like to go to the pub together while the women prepare lunch or dinner (or the women go to the pub while the men prepare lunch or dinner!).

Wouldn’t this be a better approach rather than try to guilt trip your daughter over her decision to spend Christmas with her sister and wider family. You will just end up sounding bitter, clingy and resentful.

Perhaps you can take a look from another angle. Just think if someone said to you, You are free to do what you want, so you choose. Years ago my sister was in a very stressful job and had little time to herself. She was invited to various peoples for the chrismas day, but so as not to upset them she just said that she was already invited elsewhere, so there was no problem. She actually got in food that she liked and was not much effort to make, stayed in her dressing gown all day, only got up when she was ready, and was very happy just having a rest, pleasing herself and did the same on boxing day. She then returned to work in a much better state, rested and not having spent a fortune , nor eaten a lot too much. It meant she went back to work feeling much better and brighter, and hearing the moans and groans from the others about expense and arguments etc felt she had had a much better day. So that is one thing you could do. Think just what you really like, whether it is fish and chips and icecream for dinner , and dont even wash up but just have a total days holiday from any work. Have a long lazy bath or dont get up until 10am if that is your pleasure. If that does not feel of any interest then now is the time still to look up things like youth hostel places, or a 3 or 4 day little course in whatever interests you, so playing bridge, or making pottery or walking in the Lake district. Just look around and see if there is something you always meant to do , or a place you have never yet managed to visit and get organised and go. Whether this is before or after christmas day, you can choose to use the actual christmas day as a preparation day , getting ready for your trip away. Enjoy being able to listen or watch whatever you want while you get things sorted. Or just use it as another ordinary day and clear up and sort out so that you move your holiday day to another one and if you go after new year to a good restaurant or hotel you will have much more choice and non stressed staff who will be pleased to see you.
I can see that you feel a bit shocked by the change and somehow had not expected it, but it may be a good thing to realize that nothing is set in stone and life can change in many ways. Think what you might enjoy first and then tell your husband that they are not coming and see what his reaction is. Maybe he will suggest a different way for you both. Perhaps his going to the pub was because he didnt really like a houseful of people. Might you decide to have a weekend away somewhere together before or after the actual christmas. If he has no ideas, still intends to just carry on his own way, perhaps it is a time to reflect on the way that you live together. Then you might start next year with joining a course, learning a new skill, looking in your local paper to find out what is available that you could enjoy and begin to form a life of your own. As far as we know we only live once, so you do now have an opportunity to think what YOU would like to do with your life and look around, think of your usual routines and see what could be changed, now you no longer have a family at home. You are free to make changes, whether that is what you do on tuesday or what time you eat your evening meal. Go for it, and enjoy it. Oh of course dont forget that many of us will be here at GN's on the actual day so you will still have someone to chat with. Let us know what you think you might do . Good Luck.

You are very lucky that you have had your children and grandchildren with you every Christmas. My older children have gone to their father and the woman he left me for every other year . The man I lived with after divorce was a bit of a misery who just wanted to sit and watch TV and let me run round cooking a big dinner for him. I like company so I started arranging for us to have friends round or to go to them . I think you need to have a conversation with your husband and maybe arrange to go out for Christmas dinner for a complete change . See your children on another day before or after Christmas

I think it is because Christmas was always special from when I was young, and I've carried that on with my family.

I'm seeing daughter (with the grandchildren) on Wednesday so am going to ask how it all came about, and if she ever considered my feelings. Neither daughters are that close to their father.

Will update after Wednesday. It may be she didn't give it another thought beyond doing what she wants to do.

A lot of 30 and 40 somethings just don't feel as we do.

Ie she may not see why she should consult you. she's doing what they want as a family.

Two guesses.

It may have come from the children, ie the family they are going to spend Christmas with, are all close friends, the children are friends, they want whats most fun. I'm not passing judgement, just saying it's possible.

Secondly, there may be good reasons you do not know why they are going to this other family. Someone in great need? Going to help out?

We keep coming back to you and DH. She may, for example, think, " well, they aren't alone, they have each other". And in theory, she is right.

You are unhappy being left at Christmas with him, but... is it actually the role of others to ameliorate it?

But I don't understand why my daughter with the grandchildren would think I wouldn't be upset that she take them over to someone else's parents, not even any relation to her/them.

It was delivered as a firm arrangement with no discussion with me beforehand or my feelings taken into consideration.

It's going to take a while to get over.

It sounds like she might have been wanting to vary the Christmas arrangements for some time, but hadn't felt she could say so before ☹️

This year she's had an alternative invitation, hence the "no discussion or consideration" way she's told you.
I can see why that's upset you.

You certainly need to tell your husband soon about the different arrangements.
Ask him what he would like the two of you to do as an alternative this year!

Grrr, another mispost I hate electronic keyboards.

.....Tell them and I am sure a solution will emerge, with everyone embarrassed that this had not occurred to anyone.