Lonely this Christmas

Life is change and despite all the associated traditions Christmas changes too.

I think you have time to think about how you would like to mark the day in some way rather than letting it brew for weeks.

I find it very sad that your DH has 'other' arrangements that don't include you. Maybe this is something you need to look at rather than facing the day alone and miserable.

I got a bit confused. Do you mean that everyone except your son and husband is going to be at the one house?

I really would attempt to dial it down a bit in your head if you can.

It's 24 hours in the dead of winter. A friend tried to volunteer and was told there was a long waiting list. Many people find it challenging and sad.

Can you out out a few feelers and build up a couple of acquaintances if not friends?

Yes, on the other side of the country :-(

Sorry if this sounds harsh but if they have spent every previous Christmas with you isn't it time they spent the day elsewhere? Surely their in-laws must feel pretty miffed that it has always been your day

Unless you are religious I really don’t get the knots people tie themselves in about Christmas,
who spends what time with who,
or who cooks the obligatory Turkey and how many people come to sit round the table.
There is all the rest of the year to spend days with family.

It’s that I’ve got nobody feeling, isn’t it? Did your husband always make his own arrangements or is this a new thing?

Personally I would book a Christmas break away but I can see it would be a brave, difficult thing to do.

Or maybe arrange a get together after Christmas?

Sometimes we do feel alone and unwanted but it is possible to live through it, if there is something to look forward to.

So where is your husband spending Christmas Day?

I am very much on my own, treating it as an ordinary day, even with the washing machine working.

I usually dine on something like a duck leg, sauce and trimmings and open a bottle of wine, hoping there is something decent to watch on TV. I don't like mince pies, shortbread, trifle, etc., so I usually buy a bar of chocolate. It has been like this for around 10 years, and I never let it stress me out. It's another day.

I think the hype around Christmas doesn't help. Big happy families around a table laden with food on adverts every year. Merry Christmas songs on the radio.
I think the reality for many people is a bit different. You will find many grans on here who will be alone at Christmas for all sorts of reasons.

How come your not with your husband on Xmas Day. Where does he go? And why? Very odd

Whatdididowrong- I thought you were literally on your own. You have your DH. If I were you, I’d have a word with him. He had better cut out his ‘own social arrangements’ and spend the day with you. Why don’t you book Christmas lunch for both of you in a nice restaurant ? But make sure tell him well in advance. I don’t know why some couples stay married 🤔

I cant really fully understand WhatdidIdowrong unless you feel OK with telling us

What is DH doing and why he wants to spend it apart?

I'd advise trying to get away to seeing Christmas Day itself as the "be all and end all of it' and think of seeing different family groupings happening around the Christmas period. often these are less stressful.

Eddiecat has a point, surely:

"Sorry if this sounds harsh but if they have spent every previous Christmas with you isn't it time they spent the day elsewhere? Surely their in-laws must feel pretty miffed that it has always been your day?"

its likley that I will be alone as things seem rather complicated in DiL's family this year so I just dont know if I can pop up or will be alone. I will make sure I do either nice, of if I havent the heart, useful things that day.

At the gym I listen every year to other women describing their Christmases.

Honestly, WhatdidIdowrong, the stress people put themselves under - the expectations, the done out of duty with no wish to, the exhaustion of the preparations...

Only a few are looking forward without any doubts to that day.

eddiecat78 The grandchildren will be spending it with their aunt's parents-in-law. Eldest daughter who doesn't have children.

Husband goes to pub and generally carries on low level all day. Same with boxing day. Usually I would go shopping with daughters that day. I haven't told him they're not coming yet.

Charleygirl5 - Do your family go other places too?

Thank you all for your responses, maybe need to get it in perspective just feels like rejection and it hurts that she would rather take the kids to effectively strangers. Her ex-husband has no family which is why he always came to us.

Stripeygran - my new mantra - it's just 24 hours in the dead of winter.

Oh, and thinking of the money I'll save on food!!

Sending a heart to all on their own (if I knew how!) xx

Actually what can be hard is not so much the day itself but the time between Christmas and when life gets back to normal after New Year. Not all families spread the celebrations and invitations out. Most groups, u3a, choirs, clubs etc close for a couple of weeks. When we were working, the break was welcome. Now it can feel long.

Could you organise a big family get together/ party for New Year? That would give you something positive to look forward to and plan for.

Cabbie21

Actually what can be hard is not so much the day itself but the time between Christmas and when life gets back to normal after New Year. Not all families spread the celebrations and invitations out. Most groups, u3a, choirs, clubs etc close for a couple of weeks. When we were working, the break was welcome. Now it can feel long.

YES! This is one of the challenges, all those little pegs in your week are removed.

WhatdidIdowrong The only family I have is around four cousins on my mother's side in Ireland. Everybody else is dead.

Friends live too far away and/or are with their own families.

I would have a discussion with your husband pronto.

Are you "not allowed" to go to the pub with your husband? What's the problem with going along too?

Romola

Are you "not allowed" to go to the pub with your husband? What's the problem with going along too?

Does the pub do a Christmas dinner?

Could you both eat there?

WhatdidIdowrong my new mantra - it's just 24 hours in the dead of winter. Oh, and thinking of the money I'll save on food!!

Sorted! Well done you.

whatdidIdowrong Does your DH come back home for dinner or does he stay at the pub all day?
My dad always went to the pub with his friends on Christmas Day before Christmas dinner at home. It was considered normal.
You say your DH doesn’t know the family aren’t coming to yours this year.
Why don’t you tell him, & see what he says? You may be pleasantly surprised.
If he doesn’t say anything, make suggestions yourself - like going out together for a change or having some special food at home.
One year none of our family were coming home. We invited a single friend & then another who was going to be on her own too. They’d never met before but we all had a great time.

Well, as the children and grandchildren have made different arrangements then your DH can too surely?

AGAA4

I think the hype around Christmas doesn't help. Big happy families around a table laden with food on adverts every year. Merry Christmas songs on the radio.
I think the reality for many people is a bit different. You will find many grans on here who will be alone at Christmas for all sorts of reasons.

Exactly how I feel AFAA4. All those films where family and/or friends appear and save the day at the last minute don't help either.

I used to join an elderly friend for Xmas dinner. Last year she went to her daughter's and I invited my neighbour to join me. Since then my neighbour has turned nasty and has alienated my friend from me with her lies. DD is now talking about driving 160 miles in total so I can join her and her husband, but I don't want to ruin her day. I shall pretend it is a Covid Christmas. I didn't mind being alone then, because so many were in the same boat, with the restrictions.