Lonely this Christmas

Have you discussed the problem with your family? For me that would be the first thing I would do. It looks like in all the complicated plans no one has realsied that they are leaving you alone. Tellthem

It’s a puzzle.

I’ve been sitting here trying to think up scenarios to explain it.

It’s like somethings happened to bring about the change - a catalyst- but what?

You dont sound very happy in your marriage either.💐

Pub is open for 2 hours, but that is time enough to make someone pretty unsociable!

I get that my eldest daughter wants to be with her husband and ipso his family.

But I don't understand why my daughter with the grandchildren would think I wouldn't be upset that she take them over to someone else's parents, not even any relation to her/them.

It was delivered as a firm arrangement with no discussion with me beforehand or my feelings taken into consideration.

It's going to take a while to get over.

I will have to combine some of your very good suggestions on the day.

I'm sure there will be a Christmas thread for "alone on c mas day", egging each other on for those who want..what did you eat, and decent films, was it nice enough weather wise to get a stroll in etc.

Start wrapping up some treats for yourself to open on Christmas day. Make a plan that doesn't rely on anyone in your family. A walk. A book, a film, a box set. Your favourite everything.
Maybe there will be a Christmas day thread on here. I think many are in the same situation, so please know you are not alone. Please try not to make your DC feel guilty about makng other plans. Take care, good luck xx

WhatdidIdowrong thank you for listening - we gave you sets of fairly tough, but very honest, answer..

You need to sit down with your DH and discuss it together and find a compromise.

it may be in former years he found all the family arriving rather a bit too much and made good his escape? could you consider that

He wouldn't be the first bloke. You never know, he might enjoy a compromise with a pub visit and a super meal (I'd be thinking M and S, btw, not hovering for hours over a hot stove.)

Make arrangements to see bits and bobs of family around c mas.

Whether I find c mas alone OK depends on my health so I cant generalise but when I'm good I enjoy it. My food, my choice of films, phone calls always from bits of family and so on.

WhatdidIdowrong

eddiecat78 The grandchildren will be spending it with their aunt's parents-in-law. Eldest daughter who doesn't have children.

Husband goes to pub and generally carries on low level all day. Same with boxing day. Usually I would go shopping with daughters that day. I haven't told him they're not coming yet.

Charleygirl5 - Do your family go other places too?

Thank you all for your responses, maybe need to get it in perspective just feels like rejection and it hurts that she would rather take the kids to effectively strangers. Her ex-husband has no family which is why he always came to us.

Stripeygran - my new mantra - it's just 24 hours in the dead of winter.

Oh, and thinking of the money I'll save on food!!

Sending a heart to all on their own (if I knew how!) xx

That’s the spirit 😂
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I am sorry you are feeling sad and neglected- I would too if my DH spent Christmas Day in the pub!!😱 . Acceptable if he has a quick drink then home for Christmas lunch ( if he really must?! ) but all day!
Treat yourself to goodies, find something good on tv , open a bottle- wine or favourite soft drink. Snuggle up with chocs and enjoy!! Good luck. 💐🌸

AGAA4

I think the hype around Christmas doesn't help. Big happy families around a table laden with food on adverts every year. Merry Christmas songs on the radio.
I think the reality for many people is a bit different. You will find many grans on here who will be alone at Christmas for all sorts of reasons.

Exactly how I feel AFAA4. All those films where family and/or friends appear and save the day at the last minute don't help either.

I used to join an elderly friend for Xmas dinner. Last year she went to her daughter's and I invited my neighbour to join me. Since then my neighbour has turned nasty and has alienated my friend from me with her lies. DD is now talking about driving 160 miles in total so I can join her and her husband, but I don't want to ruin her day. I shall pretend it is a Covid Christmas. I didn't mind being alone then, because so many were in the same boat, with the restrictions.

Well, as the children and grandchildren have made different arrangements then your DH can too surely?

whatdidIdowrong Does your DH come back home for dinner or does he stay at the pub all day?
My dad always went to the pub with his friends on Christmas Day before Christmas dinner at home. It was considered normal.
You say your DH doesn’t know the family aren’t coming to yours this year.
Why don’t you tell him, & see what he says? You may be pleasantly surprised.
If he doesn’t say anything, make suggestions yourself - like going out together for a change or having some special food at home.
One year none of our family were coming home. We invited a single friend & then another who was going to be on her own too. They’d never met before but we all had a great time.

WhatdidIdowrong my new mantra - it's just 24 hours in the dead of winter. Oh, and thinking of the money I'll save on food!!

Sorted! Well done you.

Romola

Are you "not allowed" to go to the pub with your husband? What's the problem with going along too?

Does the pub do a Christmas dinner?

Could you both eat there?

Are you "not allowed" to go to the pub with your husband? What's the problem with going along too?

WhatdidIdowrong The only family I have is around four cousins on my mother's side in Ireland. Everybody else is dead.

Friends live too far away and/or are with their own families.

I would have a discussion with your husband pronto.

Cabbie21

Actually what can be hard is not so much the day itself but the time between Christmas and when life gets back to normal after New Year. Not all families spread the celebrations and invitations out. Most groups, u3a, choirs, clubs etc close for a couple of weeks. When we were working, the break was welcome. Now it can feel long.

YES! This is one of the challenges, all those little pegs in your week are removed.

Could you organise a big family get together/ party for New Year? That would give you something positive to look forward to and plan for.

Actually what can be hard is not so much the day itself but the time between Christmas and when life gets back to normal after New Year. Not all families spread the celebrations and invitations out. Most groups, u3a, choirs, clubs etc close for a couple of weeks. When we were working, the break was welcome. Now it can feel long.

eddiecat78 The grandchildren will be spending it with their aunt's parents-in-law. Eldest daughter who doesn't have children.

Husband goes to pub and generally carries on low level all day. Same with boxing day. Usually I would go shopping with daughters that day. I haven't told him they're not coming yet.

Charleygirl5 - Do your family go other places too?

Thank you all for your responses, maybe need to get it in perspective just feels like rejection and it hurts that she would rather take the kids to effectively strangers. Her ex-husband has no family which is why he always came to us.

Stripeygran - my new mantra - it's just 24 hours in the dead of winter.

Oh, and thinking of the money I'll save on food!!

Sending a heart to all on their own (if I knew how!) xx

I cant really fully understand WhatdidIdowrong unless you feel OK with telling us

What is DH doing and why he wants to spend it apart?

I'd advise trying to get away to seeing Christmas Day itself as the "be all and end all of it' and think of seeing different family groupings happening around the Christmas period. often these are less stressful.

Eddiecat has a point, surely:

"Sorry if this sounds harsh but if they have spent every previous Christmas with you isn't it time they spent the day elsewhere? Surely their in-laws must feel pretty miffed that it has always been your day?"

its likley that I will be alone as things seem rather complicated in DiL's family this year so I just dont know if I can pop up or will be alone. I will make sure I do either nice, of if I havent the heart, useful things that day.

At the gym I listen every year to other women describing their Christmases.

Honestly, WhatdidIdowrong, the stress people put themselves under - the expectations, the done out of duty with no wish to, the exhaustion of the preparations...

Only a few are looking forward without any doubts to that day.

Whatdididowrong- I thought you were literally on your own. You have your DH. If I were you, I’d have a word with him. He had better cut out his ‘own social arrangements’ and spend the day with you. Why don’t you book Christmas lunch for both of you in a nice restaurant ? But make sure tell him well in advance. I don’t know why some couples stay married 🤔

How come your not with your husband on Xmas Day. Where does he go? And why? Very odd

I think the hype around Christmas doesn't help. Big happy families around a table laden with food on adverts every year. Merry Christmas songs on the radio.
I think the reality for many people is a bit different. You will find many grans on here who will be alone at Christmas for all sorts of reasons.

I am very much on my own, treating it as an ordinary day, even with the washing machine working.

I usually dine on something like a duck leg, sauce and trimmings and open a bottle of wine, hoping there is something decent to watch on TV. I don't like mince pies, shortbread, trifle, etc., so I usually buy a bar of chocolate. It has been like this for around 10 years, and I never let it stress me out. It's another day.

So where is your husband spending Christmas Day?