Lonely this Christmas

For us it is a Christmas season, that starts on Christmas Eve and goes on to the New Year. it is a chance for the family to get together for up to a week.

over the years it has flexed and adapted and is just now adaptingto the youngest generation reaching adulthood and going to university. We have also moved house this year.

Christmas is whatever you want to make it. Ignore it completely, or go overboard, just do not sactimoniously Scrooge like, or pity those who do not want a real knees-up.

I say stuff Christmas and the turkey with it if it has become a great looming menace that is coming at you as soon as the fireworks die down - or even for some in August!
Make or buy the foods and trimmings you like or just ignore it altogether.
It is but one overhyped day imo and is the cause of as much upset, disappointment and genuine misery and bad feeling as it has provided good tiding of great joy.
Personally I want to zoom to the NewYear .

I’m utterly astonished that you’ve tolerated your DH spending Christmas and Boxing Day at the pub! Does this mean he drinks to excess?

Nothing wrong with social drinking at all but as you feel you’ve been excluded from also going it seems there is a little more to this.

I would examine your entire married life and not worry about two days a year, look at whether you’re entirely comfortable with your life!

As for Christmas, if you have the funds, book into a hotel or go on a mini cruise

The first thing I notice about the Christmas arrangements is that none of the adult children consider hosting Christmas in their own homes; all are going to in-laws, theirs or somebody else's, who will do all the work.
I sense a desperation among them to have a different Christmas. They have dutifully spent Christmas with you for twenty years and not unreasonably they feel like a change, but they have altered arrangements without any consideration as to how you will fare.
Your divorced daughter with the grandchildren receives the lion's share of the blame. Come on, it is all three together who have disrupted your Christmas.

There are other issues. You don't seem to have a good relationship with your husband; you live in a village but won't have anything to do with it, (why?); you claim to have no friends, and only work brings you pleasure. Yet you are apparently facing retirement, so you have to give that some thought.
But first, tell your husband about Christmas Day and see what his response is. Proceed from there.

Years ago, my husband and I and our two young daughters were expected to spend Christmas with either his parents or mine. No point arguing. If we did, that brought on sulks (my mother) and ‘collapsing’ (his mother) on the two occasions we tried it. So we gave in (looking back, we regretted that, but we were very young then). So, on Boxing Day, we would go to the parents we hadn’t spent Christmas Day with. We alternated this each year. So we were never allowed to spend Christmas on our own. My mother-in-law and my Dad hated each other, so we were never able to combine it all into one day together either. I didn’t like Christmas much!
This went on for years, then our elder daughter got engaged and was due to get married in May. We wanted to give her the best last ‘at home’ Christmas we could, so we asked her what she wanted to do. She immediately said she wanted to spend the day with us at our house, just us and her younger sister. No visiting and no visitors. Telling the parents was difficult. It didn’t go down well, but they all loved our daughter so it wasn’t too hard to persuade them to do as she asked. We had a wonderful day, just us and our two daughters and we all treasured it. Our future son-in-law happily did the same with his parents. It was the first time in 24 years we had been ‘allowed’ to have Christmas with just us. I have never forgiven both sets of parents for preventing us doing that before.
Obviously, we brought our daughter up to have more backbone than we did. On her first Christmas after getting married, she and her lovely husband said they wanted to spend it alone, but would be happy to get together on Boxing Day. We did that and everyone was happy (except the grandparents of course!). My husband and I visited both sets of parents but refused to stay for food. They didn’t like it, but tough! We just wished we had been stronger from the start.
Funnily enough, our daughters have had complete freedom to do what they want at Christmas, and, guess what? Most years they choose to spend Christmas Day with us!

Desdemona

Got any spare cash?

If so book yourself into a hotel that offers great Christmas food, take books etc to read and let hubby dearest cook his own dinner!

Are you trying to get them to divorce?? What a stupid suggestion.

I would be secretly relieved not to have to plan and cook for a large number of people - its exhausting! Maybe your family think its about time YOU had a break from it all and are doing you a favour!

Look on the positive side - it is rwally just a roast dinner surrounded by commercialism and a pile of unwanted gifts!
Indulge yourself - buy food and treats that YOU enjoy, watch what YOU want to watch on the TV and spend the day doing what YOU want to do.

Enjoy YOUR day! 😊

WhatdidI do

Maybe this is about more than Christmas? Where are you in all this? Your work must provide you with that spark, company, challenges a sense of purpose and achievement.

I know it's hard graft but can you find a bit of something just for you,away from family and work and the pub. It seems you a have a nice relationship with the GC, you can have that for the other 364 days of the year.

It seems a very old fashioned set up where man are propping up a bar all day long.

Try not to fret about Christmas, its months away.

WhatdidIdowrong
I think I'd been under the illusion I had a good relationship with my daughters.

I’m sure you do. If it is DH that is the problem it’s difficult to say we don’t want to spend time with grumpy Grandad. Perhaps when you see DD she’ll raise the matter herself. If not let it rest for a week or two so you can talk about it without appearing hurt.

Think justwokeup has summarised the situation completely.

We have lived in the same village for 30 years and it is typically sociable for the men. I'm not a drinker and I don't like the village. My going out to work is my social release so it's pretty isolating when I'm not at work.

I did have a brother who passed away in 1988, and my in-laws were older parents who were always taken care of by my sister-in-law. So both sets of parents had company.

I completely understood when eldest said she wanted to stay home, I think it blindsided me a bit that our other daughter and grandchildren wouldn't be coming either. We are their only grandparents which is why our son in law has always been welcome.

Our son has said he'll change his plans but have told him it's fine. But the phrase boys will be boys is most apt usually.

It's just a struggle at this moment not to take my bat and ball home regarding future arrangements.

I think your daughters choosing to spend every Chrstmas with you must have hurt the other grandparents feelings. Every other year fine. Now it's their turn this year.
Your husband has obviously not been present before and you put up with it. You need a talk with him, if you are happy to be in a marriage where you do your own things r it's fine. you cannot rely on friends or children to fill the void.
I feel guilty going to my sons each Christmas and every year tell them I will be fine they must see Dil family. I would be OK on my own, I am a lot anyway. I would cook a good meal or even have a M and S ready dinner, watch TV and eat too many chocolates and drink wine. I know how very lucky I have been, but I will never see my daughter again, you are fortunate with yours, I wouldn't talk to either of them about being on your own and make them feel guilty, they should be able to make their own decisions.

Have you thought about volunteering at a homeless shelter, a hospital or a hospice. I did it one year with the Salvation Army. It's very rewarding, and you certainly won't be alone

I think NotAGran55 is probably correct as to why arrangements have changed. Your eldest daughter has eventually decided to spend Christmas with DH’s family - surprising they didn’t insist on spending Christmas together years ago - and your son is with his girlfriend. Sons have no compunction about defecting do they? There has probably been a sibling chat because your other DD did not want to be left with her children to have Christmas with unpleasant Grandad, hence the invitation to join older sister. Please don’t make life difficult for her, it seems like you’ve been hosting on your own anyway for many years and they’ve always joined you. Wish her a lovely day. Perhaps you and DH could have a heart to heart and spend the day doing something you both want to do and then have a relaxed lunch buffet or something non- pressured for the family later in the holiday. If DH still wants his own arrangements then, as others have suggested, why not have a turkey and tinsel break somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit?

I do feel for you, others have already offered great suggestions. Have you thought of taking something like a coach trip or short holiday to a hotel where they are putting on Christmas festivities? I think I'd be tempted to do something completely different.

I think I'd been under the illusion I had a good relationship with my daughters.
My ex son in law has no parents and is not welcomed by his brother's partner, which is why he has always come to us.
I have no other family left.
There does seem a large number of people for who Christmas is just another day, and that is how I will treat it.
Moving forward into the new year, I have a lot of soul searching and reflection on what my life has become, and how I am going to take it into retirement.
Whatever you lovely ladies do at Christmas, enjoy! xx

Stillness

I think it’s important to accept that our grown up families won’t always spend Christmas with us, for whatever reason. If we hang onto tradition too much and expect the same every year, we are bound to be disappointed at some time. However, you aren’t on your own (if you had been, maybe your family would’ve thought again). With respect, your husband is behaving selfishly and if it was me, I wouldn’t accept that it’s ok for him to spend it in the pub and leave you at home. Perhaps you can both compromise. Maybe spend some time together in the pub, perhaps even have your lunch there if you can, and then leave him for an hour on his own, if he must have that time to himself. Similarly on Boxing Day, arrange something for you both, not just for him. Christmas is surely a time for giving…and that’s not just presents.

Great advice here 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

After I split from my ex I had the children with me on Christmas day then my ex MiL invited me to hers on boxing day with my children. My ex's new partner went to her family so it meant spending the day with him but we had parted company relatively amicably. Then a couple of years down the line MiL invited me as usual for boxing day. Next thing I heard was that new partner thought it inappropriate that I be there - despite the fact she wasn't going to be there. I suspect it was more that the ex didn't want me there and used her as an excuse. I was sad at the thought of spending boxing day alone but when my friends found out I immediately had two invitations to join their families for the day. I had to choose which to accept!
Do you have friends you might spend the day with? Do they know you will be alone? It has been years now and I usually now spend Christmas with one or both my children and their family. I spent the Christmas alone during Covid as DD lived too far to visit for the one day we were allowed and DS and his family lived abroad. We had a 'zoom' together while eating our respective lunches. Last year I'd planned to go to DS's for Christmas but caught covid and ended up spending it alone. Having had the experience before, it didn't seem so bad - disappointing but not the end of the world.
If you are on your own treat yourself to food you really enjoy, watch something you really enjoy on TV and try to be grateful for all the good things in your life and forget the 'what might have beens'.

Wouldn’t you just love a Christmas programme that didn’t start off with someone alone, who then, through various accidental circumstances, actually ends up as part of a big get together. Cue sentimental music.

A programme showing somebody on their own having a jolly nice time doing their own thing😬

At least in Eastenders, Christmas usually turned into one big row😡

Got any spare cash?

If so book yourself into a hotel that offers great Christmas food, take books etc to read and let hubby dearest cook his own dinner!

I have had that feeling of not being normal because of being alone. What you need to do is find out many people in the UK are in the same social position as yourself.

From ChatGPT:-

A study by the Policy Institute, King’s College London found that 1 in 9 people (≈ 11 %) say they will be spending Christmas Day alone this year.
King's College London
+1

A poll by Ipsos MORI in September 2021 found 22 % of adults aged 16-75 worried about “spending Christmas alone”.
Ipsos

So, the best available recent estimate is that around 10–11% of UK adults expect to spend Christmas Day alone.

Why has your husband got other arrangements that don't involve his wife???? Especially on Christmas Day! I find this very strange. I think you need to have a discussion about this.....especially if he thinks that is acceptable

Dear WhatDidIDoWrong
I am not in your position however my friend is. Through the year she buys presents for herself and puts them in a box, fully wrapped, surprising how you forget what you have bought and forgotten! Plus she has favourite books to read at this time and she makes her home Christmassy just for her, with Christmas rugs, nice decorations. Also she goes to as many events as she can before Christmas. Carol concerts, Christmas Fayres where ever they are, Yes after Christmas is the really quiet time. Are you able to get out to a local town/shopping centre where you could treat yourself to a meal, something in the sales.? You have done nothing wrong at all, life has changed for everyone, and family life has really changed for us!
This year I have an advent calendar and I must fill the pockets for me and my disabled husband. I have bought us some presents to open on the day, having bacon sandwiches in the morning after the carers get him up, and a small roast lunch for us but I may look at something else to cook. Change my day.
In the past I have provided Christmas for various people in our extended family over the many years who were alone but that has faded away! Though last year neighbours knocked on the door with Bucks Fizz and small cake and sat around Steve's bed. That meant so much to us both as we always laugh with them, we were not dressed. Christmas can be lonely if you believe the films etc!
This may not help you at all. Look at what you can do by yourself. Before Christmas our area have a Christmas party for the elderly, with presents, raffle, lots of laughter. I always donate something to this event as one day I will be there. If you start planning now you may feel better on the day. I hope so.
I really really hope you can enjoy your Christmas time. It is only one day and the shops open again. Treating yourself does not have to be expensive. Plus put on a bit of lippy.
I cannot tell you what to do but put yourself first with good things. This is time for you, I would love to have a 'House on the Prarie' type of family but it doesnt happen.
My best wishes to you xxx

I've been alone at Christmas.. My choice when it was my exs turn to have the children I chose to stay at home I would lay on the sofa all day watching rubbish on TV, I actually enjoyed it (in the sense that if I wasn't with my children I wanted to be alone) now I have the option of going to my children's /grandchildrens houses but my hubby and I sometimes choose to have Christmas home alone together.

oh gosh, what a lovely chat here, so good for me, 89 years old,been on my own, save mycat since just before covid.. every Christmas I get so up tight! I know! silly me.. I am really going to try to be a bit more laid back,, and if I am on my own, well I shall enjoy it... though I must admit, I am still struggling to spending a day at home, all day, on my own! silly me ! thank you for the post and thankyou for the comments

Surely after 20 years your daughter deserves a Christmas with her husband, I can't believe they've spent them apart, also I think the other daughter and her ex are very mature spending Christmas together for the children etc, you say they're not even family but they are
Son is obviously going to be to be with his gf.. They always are lol...
The husband thing is what you need to focus on.. Tbh your children probably don't want to be around a grumpy drunk on Christmas day either.
Take this time to reflect and do what you want to do, I would book a Christmas get away alone and enjoy the moment