We have a person in our family that this description fits perfectly.
Whatever it is the response to a simple question is on the defensive or negative or downright rude .
It was pointed out to me by another relation some time ago & I didn’t realise that it was something that was happening constantly.
However myself & other family members are planning a major overseas trip ( long haul) it’s been in the offing for a few years & after being shelved re different happenings is now not on the back boiler but actually booked .
Obviously this is taking a lot of planning & this one person seems in one way to sit & let others take the lead as in has no input when we have arranged a get together .
But then suggests that she isn’t having any input !! By which she actually means I am making the decisions , which is not the case.
Obviously, we have a WhatsApp group & emails that can be used.
As I am the only one fully retired & have the time & some knowledge of the country I offered to do the research for booking accommodation.
I’ve also been to the country 3/4 times before , that said not on a trip like this as this time the accommodation is having to be booked plus it includes vehicle hire & route planning .
The other people involved are fine with everything & we have worked together to tweak & arrange an itinerary which includes a road trip & spending important time with family.
But this person , well you send a screenshot of accommodation plus a description worded for easy reading & it seems to me that ONLY certain things are being read !
They are fixated on the negative but & get this no phone calls from this person just negativity in general via WhatsApp
Ie : in one reply
“ it says at the top this option does not accommodate all your party “
Yet in my own note I had written how many rooms I had booked for our group which clearly accounted for us all !!
At times it feels that they are completely indifferent & though don’t need to be grateful a simple “ Thanks” would go a long way .
And so it goes on ☹️
Others in our group see the same things & understand what I write .
If they don’t understand something they call 📞 we speak & discuss .
Even when this person does discuss things there is still no interaction or input regarding what they want or think !!
Again , if I am looking at accommodation on Booking.com or Hotel.com I state which one at the beginning & always add a screenshot or two .
Which means all are able to see which site & do their own searches of what I’m looking at etc & maybe find something comparable or better priced .
This does not mean that they can’t look themselves though it seems this one person isn’t doing that .
Yet comes back with the negative remarks without reading or suggesting something else .
I’m not sure this person does that but will come back & ask
“are you looking on “?
Naming a completely different site altogether!!
Not meaning that I should look on that site but questioning if that’s what I’ve sent !!
Obviously we are all thinking that the person in question doesn’t look properly at what’s being sent. Just picks up the first thing.
None of this shows the defensive words used but that happens as well & as a group we are thinking it’s not a good vibe for our long awaited not to mention expensive trip .
As mentioned this has been a long time in the planning let alone booking it’s a family trip lasting longer & far more expensive than any holiday any of us have booked previously.
When I have travelled before circumstances allowed accommodation with our family therefore keeping the costs down .
It’s a lot of anyone’s money & needs to be researched for the best possible prices plus we are already one person down meaning the cost is now being spread between fewer people all making a obvious difference.
How do you tell someone that they need to decide whether they actually want to come & maybe be more positive?
At the moment they ( this one person) feels that I am doing all the planning , not the case apart from this person others also have had ideas& input on all fronts etc etc .
It’s taking the joy out of our trip before we’ve even started ,
Emails are sent with everything that gets booked , I have no idea what this person thinks or even if they read it . These are sent after the Whattsaap screenshots etc .
Gransnet forums
AIBU
Defensive to the point of rude relative
(19 Posts)Ask her.
eazybee
Ask her.
Agree.
Good suggestion eazybee. WhatsApp groups can be great but they can also feed poor communication
Is this lady going to be a joyous companion on this trip?!
I think you meet people like this n every walk of life - or I seem to anyway! They want a finger in every pie but without taking on any work or responsibility. 😡
And they can and frequent do ruin things.
Is there anyone in the family that they will “take” things from, who can speak to them frankly about the difficulties they are causing. Ask that because I know my sister could tell my father bluntly about difficulties he was making and he would take it on board coming from her.
I don’t think it should be you though.
Luckygirl3
Is this lady going to be a joyous companion on this trip?!
Exactly our thoughts , though the general consensus is that once away it will be fine 🙏
There are people like this in every group or family. It can be very frustrating, but you sound very defensive yourself about all the work you are doing- maybe you should hand the decision making over to this person?
It sounds like a lot of hard work.
Recently my family all went away together to another family event in Europe. For the sake of peace we all made our own travel arrangements and booked our own accommodation making things much more sociable and pleasant when we did all meet up. All the pressure had gone.
We have one sibling who organises family meals out etc as she is a complete control freak, but we all go along with it although she moans constantly about having to do it she really wouldn't want it any other way.
I think you should try to relax, make the decisions, and enjoy the holiday!
Lathyrus3
I think you meet people like this n every walk of life - or I seem to anyway! They want a finger in every pie but without taking on any work or responsibility. 😡
And they can and frequent do ruin things.
Is there anyone in the family that they will “take” things from, who can speak to them frankly about the difficulties they are causing. Ask that because I know my sister could tell my father bluntly about difficulties he was making and he would take it on board coming from her.
I don’t think it should be you though.
Definitely not me , I agree on that .
One of the other people have already taken this one board .
I have to speak 🗣️ though not just Whattsapp & I aim to do so soon as it’s far from ideal .
I have previously suggested “ we can all look at accommodation “
And when we did actually’ speak rather than message ‘ about this I pointed out that it would be a certain amount each for a really nice place to stay .
The response I got was “ well we just need somewhere to sleep , we’ll be out all day “
I responded with “ It doesn’t have to be expensive & there are lovely places about with reasonable prices’
Personally, myself & others are on the same page with this .
What’s the thoughts of the negative one?
Who knows as apart from that one conversation , they haven’t spoken about it only interjected on the topic when reading the not relevant information.!
This was early on & still no other input on this front !!
I think you are damned if you do and damned if you don't! Is it their personality normally? If so, how do you usually deal with them? Is it anxiety about the trip, lack of control etc? I feel you should ignore where possible ie any passive aggressive comments and if they come out with a critical comment, ask what they would do.
Good luck
When one person organises everything for a group there are usually problems. In my family we have someone who likes to organise things. She likes to decide when and where things are happening (so they are convenient for her), the type of event, eg a party/dinner/whatever and so on, and to be toasted for her generous input.
All of that is fine, and it's fair to say that she does put the work in, but it can be galling to be told 'this is happening on X date at X time' rather than 'what are we going to do about a big birthday or other celebration?' and invited to join in with the decisions, rather than be treated as just another guest at a 'do' for a shared relative, who may or may not be able to attend at the time and place she has chosen. There is no room for input from others, as we are presented with a fait accompli, and just have to go with it.
Also, there is a 100% chance that as the day gets nearer she will delegate big tasks, with no consideration for how convenient or otherwise they might be - 'I thought you might like to organise the food', 'Can you pick up 3 elderly relatives (who live miles apart from one another in different directions) and get them to the venue?' or 'I suggested that X stay at your house the night before as that would be easier.' It's maddening. Often the 'requests' are prefaced with 'As I have done all the arranging. . .' when she took it upon herself in the first place.
It would be much easier all round (and possibly for your group too) if there were a meeting, either in person or over something like Zoom, where everyone gets a say in what happens from the start, and tasks are divided equally (or according to who has more time) and above board. That way there could be real input, nobody feels resentful and overlooked, and everyone can opt into or out of suggestions before they become demands. Also, when everyone has an input and there is a broader range of suggestions the odds are greater that the end result will please everyone.
She sounds toxic; can you leave her behind?
There is somebody like this on the discussion website I go to . This person asks interminable questions and accuses others of not answering properly.
I thinks it is mild paranoia. Person needs reassuring. Maybe your acquaintance needs reassurance of his or her worth.
Sounds like my sister in law who said she didn't want to be involved in organising a funeral - then objected to all of the arrangements - which resulted in most of them being changed. Then she didn't go to the funeral
Phone her and ask her……..and I don’t actually think she will be an ideal travel companion
You are giving this too much head space.
Also you do sound very defensive detailing and justifying all the work you are doing.
Just step back a bit.
Either do what Doodledog suggests with meetings.
Or ignore awkward person.
Do you really want to encourage her to join you?
Why?
If she says basic accomm is good enough for her just reply you are free to make your own arrangements. The rest of clan Tuesday will be staying at the excelsior.
End of conversation.
mimi377
Sometimes people like that are just anxious about losing control. A direct call might clear the air better than endless WhatsApp back-and-forth.
mimi377
Thank you for your input . You are right in what you have suggested & I actually came up with the exact same conclusion .
Acting on this assumption things are much better & will hopefully continue in the same way .🙏
Why are you bothering, just book. Go with the majority or leave it to someone else.
If she is always like that then there is absolutely nothing you can do to resolve the situation, because she will not change.
In whch case, when she sends you all these communications, don't deal with the problems in detail just fob her off, or give aa vague or very general reply but do not work yourself up about aswering every query drawing her attention to specifics, she probably doesn't read them anyway.
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