Husband passing and dealing with his children

I would resoect my husbands wishes and do as Babs says, organise the funeral etc. tell them when and where. I am so sorry for your loss, I know how heartbroken I was, miss him every day.

Please use the money, in the coming months, that you would offer them, to pay for a little luxury for yourself, perhaps a cruise or visit somewhere you and your late husband may have liked to go to. You can't buy good will and by offering to pay for hotels and family meals you are making it transactional. Watch how they behave themselves and it will be a good indicator what they are really like as people. Do, however, plan a good wake for your late husband as a good send off for anyone to attend who held him dear. This is not about you but about honouring his legacy and memory while you are still able. You will then be able to walk away with a clear conscience and, if, by any chance, any of his children want to keep in touch they will.

I wondered- as M0nica did if this is cultural as you use a $ symbol and not a £

How would you begin to organise accommodation (or pay for it)?

If it's culturally normal then that's more awkward. And I don't know how to easily pass each family some money or a hotel space without implications being drawn.
If you really want to do it you could say you have the option on (say) ten rooms at x hotel if people would like somewhere to stay. "Please could you call the hotel by (date) to confirm" under their father'ssurname.
I'm hoping there is a decent local hotel who would do that.
We booked 6 rooms like this for a wedding once. They did want a deposit.

Different if you were on good terms.

In the UK it would just be a buffet or similar after the service.

So sorry for your loss. 💐

No, they obviously wont think any better of you. So why waste your money, try not to feel any guilt and don't let them emotionally try the" emotional blackmail "route.

It may not be guilt - it may be just what people expect?

My husband passed just 3 weeks ago so I absolutely pass on my deepest condolences. This is such an awful time and you need to take care of yourself. Your step children are big enough and old enough to look after themselves. They don’t seem to care about you so don’t care about what they expect. My husband made me promise not to follow him in a funeral limousine- when our son passed away many years ago he had a massive panic attack when the funeral car arrived and we ended up travelling in my brothers car! He also didn’t want a traditional wake. He wanted just me and our family to come home and have fish and chips !! I thought carefully afterwards and almost went against his wishes until I realised I was doing it because I worried about what people would think about this! I wholeheartedly agree with others that you need to focus on yourself. My very best wishes to you and I hope things go as you would truly wish them to go.

Such a dreadful time for you without all this extra stress, my heart goes out to you.
I'm thinking maybe you aren't in the UK? The norm here would be to invite people to a reception following on from the funeral where light refreshments would be available, sandwiches, finger foods etc. not a sit down dinner.
I would make sure your stepchildren have all the details, ask them if any of them would like to speak at the service and invite them to the wake afterwards. I would not pay for any hotels or for dinner for them all and don't think you should either. Would you really like to go to dinner with them and sit and be ignored or insulted and then have to pick up the bill?
As others have said it'd the time to put yourself and your wishes first your step children are not your priority.

So sorry for your loss. No, don't pay a penny more than you absolutely have to. Whatever your husband might have done is not an issue - you need to be kind to you. Wherever he is now, I'm sure he wants the best for you. Many people in your situation would not even invite them to the funeral! Take care of yourself - many blessings to you.

So sorry for your loss,but you absolutey do not payfor their hotel or for dinner. After funeral refreshments and sandwiches that's it....

I would say their ‘enforced’ time in your life is over. Condolences regarding your DH but cut yourself loose from that lot.

I am so sorry for your loss

No I wouldn’t offer. Why should you when they have treated you so badly

Sorry for your loss. No I wouldn’t pay for your ungrateful step-children and their families.

No absolutely not

Are any of your stepchildren short of money to the extent where they might find it difficult to attend the funeral? If so, then I would contact them privately and offer to cover some of their expenses. If they are all comfortably off then I wouldn’t start organising things at this stage. You have enough on your plate without dinners and hotel bills.

Sorry for your loss and for the way you have been treated by your stepchildren.
Absolutely not, they have treated you with disrespect and contempt so you have no reason whatsoever to provide them with food and accommodation, even if it is their Dad’s funeral. I would let them know when and where the funeral is and they can make their own arrangements. I would just provide a small funeral tea for all the mourners, and leave it at that.
You owe them nothing.

Definitely not. They haven’t included you all these years so leave them to pay their own way. It will be a shock but do you care?!!
So sorry for your loss and the horrible children you are left with!! I would ditch them. I suppose they are waiting for the will to be read. Disgraceful!

So sorry for your loss🌹. As others have already said, I wouldn't pay for accommodation and only light refreshments after the service. Hope you have family of your own who will look out for you during the service and if they ( step children) try to guilt trip you over this I would honestly say it has all been so sudden that you can't contemplate being with too many people for too long

Sorry for your loss. I would not pay anything. I would distance myself from stepchildren and look after myself.

I am sorry for your loss 2Understand. With a lot of experience in delivering grief therapy I know that bereaved people often get pushed into doing things they're not comfortable with at the funeral of their loved one, and this can leave them with even more painful memories as they mourn their loss privately when all the visitors have gone.
If the reason of your step-children never recognising you over 25 years isn't enough to dissuade you from pushing the boat out for them, then the strong possibility that they will make you feel totally invisible and rejected and perhaps worse, hopefully would be. My opinion is that you keep your distance - it doesn't matter what your husband would have done, you're the one left alone and with some quite painful memories by the sound of it. Don't do anything special for these step-children - they're adults and if they want to gather together for a family meal let them both arrange and fund that themselves. they will probably not invite you anyway.

I think I would approach it from a different angle. I would offer to pay and I would say it is what your father would have wanted.
You are then making it clear that you have no illusions over their behaviour over the years. However you are honouring your husband's wished. But you're not condoning their behaviour. You are showing that you are the bigger person with regards to his wishes.

Definitely not, you look after yourself now, they should show you with respect and kindness and respect your husbands choice of wife … bless your heart, please don look after yourself now x

So sorry for your loss. A resounding No from me. I do not think they would appreciate the gesture and would most likely ignore you which at this sad time would be intolerable. By all means have some light refreshments after the service and you make sure you hold your head up high. Your husband chose you and the step children are the ones with the problem.

If you truly know your partner's wishes it is usually expected that you honour them

To be honest, I would honour your husband's wishes on this occasion. Whilst I appreciate that they have been horrid, it is also their father. My stepfather's daughter turned her back on him after he left her mother on the insistence of her mother. By the time she realised that her mother was being quite unreasonable, she felt it was too late to act differently. I contacted her just before he died and although my mother resented everything his daughter had put him through, she did manage to grit her teeth for the funeral. I was extremely proud of her that she managed to put her husband's wishes first; truly a first because my mother is a narcissist in the true sense of the word.
Be the better person, find someone who will support you through their ignorance and take comfort that your husband would be proud of you.

Doodledog

No. I don't see any reason why you should. I would inform them all, invite them to the funeral itself, and maybe refreshments afterwards, but not a family dinner or a hotel stay. If they wish to toast their father after the funeral, they can sort it out themselves.

I'm sorry for your loss, and don't think you need any more stress at such a sad time.

This!

You now have no further reason to engage with them at all. For your own health, cut them off. He chose you, that should be enough for them.