Husband passing and dealing with his children

I assume you either are paying for the funeral or it is covered by your late husband's insurance or a prepaid funeral plan. And as you are obviously in the U. S. there will be medical bills too, so no, dear lady, do not take on any more expense.

I am sorry for your loss, and for the way you have been treated by your step-children all these years. Frankly, it sounds as if whatever you do now will be wrong in their eyes, so why bother about them?

Presumably, your husband's estate will be divided between you and his children - I hope you have a good lawyer dealing with all this. If you haven't my advice is get one fast - you will very likely need one.

Make it clear when you send these obnoxious adults who have always treated you like spoiled teenagers the time and place of the funeral that you are neither inviting them to yours or paying any of their hotel bills.

You hope they will attend the funeral and whatever it is customary to do afterwards in your part of the world. Here it would be a brief lunch or afternoon coffee and that's it.

Don't let them into your home, or as like as not they will start dividing their Dad's things up with no respect either for your feelings or your right to anything. If any of them have keys to the property, have the locks changed before they breeze in to town.

If they make any spiteful remarks tell them plainly that you have put up with their bad manners for their father's sake, but now that he is at rest, you no longer will do so.

Put yourself and your mourning first now, otherwise it will be even harder to come to terms with your husband's sudden death.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Family deaths bring a lot of tension in addition to the grief. Deaths in blended families even moreso.

I would continue with the usual repass and give the children space. There aren’t any additional obligations on your part, but more importantly because they already had complicated feelings about you prior to the death of their father. Your kind gesture could be perceived differently than your intentions. Conflict can be avoided by allowing everyone to obtain support from the sources they are most comfortable with.

If any of them have keys to the property, have the locks changed before they breeze in to town.

Good thinking AuntieE 👍

All the very best to you with whatever you decide.

I'm with Grantomany as you mentioned your husband would pay his family's expenses. Yoh would be acknowledging his way of life and regard to his children. But, no evening meal only the small standard snacks usually served at a Wake. Had you not mentioned your husbands approach I would be saying pay for nothing other than standard funeral costs.

I'd pay for someone to attend a funeral is if it were a genuine friend of the deceased who DID have a problem coping with the costs of attending. Doesn't sound as though this applies. As others have said, do take care of your self - have a friend with you on the day - helps to stop any underhand nastiness.

A definite no.

So sorry for your loss, you now have to take care of yourself and give time to grieve, after the funeral maybe a buffet at the church hall if possible then let them do whatever

I presume you have organised a traditional funeral rather than a simple funeral? therefore , if the former, the costs will be high. The children of your husband are presumably in work and therefore can pay for their own costs. My concern is that the rude members of the family may think you are trying to "bribe" them and will hold the offer against you. Don't give them any ammunition . As it is unusual for people to be offered costs , I would echo the majority of people on Gransnet and don't pay them anything.

Oh gosh - they are his children and he would have paid for them, I’m sure.
I think I’m the only person who says, do what your husband would have done or rather what he would have wanted you to do. Pay or subsidise their costs.

Sorry for your loss [flowers ]

It may be passive aggressive, but their hostility has gone on too long for adults. Their attitude was disrespectful to their father.

I would pay for the dinner but offer - in writing in the invitation - that if they would like you to to pay or help with their hotel expenses they should contact you to let you know. Put the boot on the other foot!

Pay if it feels best to rise above and be the better person.
It also depends on their financial position and if they were included in the will? Be sure you know the legal situation in the will.
However, there are always two sides.
What was your husband's attitude to their hostility to you?
Was their father difficult with their mother when they split up? What you do at a funeral lasts forever, so you must feel comfortable with your decision.

I'm a second wife of 47 years, his 2 grown up daughters have never bothered, if anything happens to my hubby, ive told our 2 sons dad wants a private cremation, quiet and simple, do what suits you and forget about everyone else, big hug to you

crazyH

Oh gosh - they are his children and he would have paid for them, I’m sure.
I think I’m the only person who says, do what your husband would have done or rather what he would have wanted you to do. Pay or subsidise their costs.

No, a couple of people, including me, think the same as you. I find it quite sad that people can't turn the other cheek in such circumstances. There's plenty of time for estrangement once the funeral is out of the way.

Grannytomany

I’m in the minority here. You say you think your husband would have paid for their stay and if that’s the case you would be respecting his wishes in doing so. If you can afford to do it of course.

It’s hard to comment further without knowing more about the funeral arrangements. I’m not sure what the extensive family meal you mention is for instance but I certainly wouldn’t put myself in the situation of a family meal where the only other attendees are people who dislike you. Being civil to them at a wider ‘wake’ gathering after the funeral is another matter entirely.

So yes, if you can bear it, do what your husband would have wished. If it goes pear shaped you’ll know that you’ve done everything you could possibly have done to honour their father’s passing.

I tend to agree with this approach. I am in a similar situation although much less extreme. (Relationships are polite but cool, verging on disinterested.)
However, I always respect what DH chooses to do and support that. And that would drive my decisions if I were in your position.
I would always prefer to be gracious. You are nearing the end of the relationship with these people. For me, the important thing would be to exit with my own self-esteem intact.

Like everyone here I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Please do not pay for anything other than funeral costs if you have to and a few sandwiches after. No matter what you do you will not gain their respect or anything else. It sounds as if your husband was a generous man but it was his family, they have never involved you in this. If your husband had it in his will how he wanted his funeral to be honour it and what you would like as well. Keep them informed or the mouthpiece of this family and ask if any of them wishes to offer an eulogy. Only those who have lost as you have understand your pain and those whom have experienced the same treatment of 2nd families, sadly it happens more than we possibly know. I hope I'm wrong but be prepared for the I would like such and such of his as a keepsake, give it if it holds nothing for you but otherwise tell them to wait until you have passed over or you are in an happier place to sort through his belongings and let them go. Be kind to yourself,

Plevey08

I think I would approach it from a different angle. I would offer to pay and I would say it is what your father would have wanted.
You are then making it clear that you have no illusions over their behaviour over the years. However you are honouring your husband's wished. But you're not condoning their behaviour. You are showing that you are the bigger person with regards to his wishes.

I am glad I’m not entirely alone in my opinion,

I haven’t read any of the replies as there was insufficient information in your post for me to comment. Whose money are you living on? If his then be generous to his family. If yours then do whatever you please.

Sorry for your loss. As others have said this is a very difficult time for you. A time when family should all very pulling together to give support. From what you gave said, you gave Beverly been welcomed into thus family and as such owe them nothing at all. An invitation to the funeral is all they deserve. Protect yourself in all ways as it's possible they will all have ideas regarding financial matters connected to your husband, their father.

I would not expect anyone to offer more than fairly light refreshments after a funeral, certainly not overnight accommodation. Is it different in the US?

I'm so sorry for your loss. And unfortunately I feel sympathy for you regarding your treatment for all those years. My husband had been married before with 3 children. And we gotcustody of them. Long story short , my in-laws and the children treated me like dirt . Its taken nearly 40+ yrs to get our life back.. As for your predicament , I wouldn't pay for anything. You've done your share over the years .now its time to live your life. Good luck xx

No don't pay for anything ...

So sorry for your loss.
It's a definite no from me. They made a choice and now they get to experience their repercussions.
Your parting shot from them would remain with you. Would you not feel irked if you'd paid for them and they never spoke to you again?
Take care x

I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you’re doing ok.
It’s a no from me too, I don’t think you’ll get any thanks one way or the other to be honest.
I really sympathise, and fully expect to be in the same situation if my DH goes before me. My DC from my first marriage adore my DH, but my step daughter is completely vile for no reason other than selfishness and envy, I think her mother has put down poison (even though I had nothing to do with their marriage breakup). It’s really hard to deal with and I dread any family gatherings such as weddings, christenings & funerals, but I hold my head high and retain a dignified silence 🤐
Hope all goes well for you 🌹

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dh and the continuing pain of sorting this dilemma. Absolutely no, do not spend any more time worrying about people who have been incredibly cruel to you. You owe them nothing but you do owe yourself time to grieve in peace. Be kind to yourself please.