Upset by negative comments about my appearance

Angelnan, try to be realistic. Is the man worth hanging on to?What are you trying to get by hanging on to him?

I'm with Momac : I think I know why he's on his third wife.
Only you can say whether or not this is acceptable to you. What advice would you give to a friend who described this scenario to you?

No-one who truly loved you would say such things. He sounds a horrible man tbh. He is bullying you and then blaming you by saying you are over reacting. You are not over reacting. I think he is playing on the fact that you have medical conditions and he already knows you are upset but provides no support. This is not love. Life is too short to feel you have to stay with him. Single life is wonderful. Make plans to leave dont discuss them him or give him chance to undermine you anymore. If he cycles he probably wears the lycra. Tell him he looks ridiculous in it!! Good luck x

If you really cannot face divorce, then you are going to fight hard and long, and may end up getting nowhere.

Apart from divorce, you have two choices:

tell your husband that you will not put up with him making unkind remarks about your appearance. If he preferred you when you had eating disorders and were clinically underweight, then there is something seriously wrong with his values.

Probably, he will take no notice at all - he does not sound as if he would, even if you go down the petty, school playground route and retort by telling him exactly what you see as his physical faults. Doing this will not make you feel better, so I hope you will not succumb to the temptation.

Get yourself a good psycologist who can help you built up your self-confidence.

Find yourself a circle of good friends who like you for the person you are NOW and spend time with them and I hope when you get used to f eeling liked and wanted as you - not as a dream woman, you will find the gumption to tell the oaf you are married to, exactly where he gets off.

I understand why nearly everyone is telling you to leave. You are this man's 3rd wife - does that not tell you that two other women found him impossible to live with? But if you cannot or will not leave, you will need to change things, and it is probably easier to change yourself into a more confident person than change him.

Tell him to leave

Today , I'm hoping to meet up to support a lady called Teresa , who is going through a living hell .
It doesn't take a brain surgeon to see just how broken and demoralised she is.
I can only listen to her and I can't influence her into leaving .
One of my friends from her Catholic Church has also tried to help her and failed.
Slim,sweet and pretty and the mother of four kids -she's terrified of her husband.
He's told her not to cook as she can't and not to clean the house because she's incapable.

Teresa does go out and has some friends.
I don't know what they advise her to do .

It makes me wonder why a man would behave in such a cruel and bullying way.
I believe that he's deeply insecure and that he thinks that by dominating Teresa he'll ensure that she's too scared to leave him because he makes her believe that she's an inadequate idiot who can't cope alone .

Babe, I know I might get banned from GN for saying this swearword, but he's an a***hole, he's self-obsessed, he should get a room as he's totally in love with himself, the sort that stands in front of mirrors all day worshipping the body and ginormous inflated ego that he sees.

He's piddly, pathetic, arrogant, obnoxious, sexist, and disablist, and he's the sort of rubbish you should be binning.

If there's some way you can leave, do it as soon as you possibly can. DON'T tell him you're leaving him, don't tell him he can do his own boring housework, etc. Walk out and never ever go back.

Best of luck.

The longer you stay the more your confidence will be eroded. Sort out your finances, make concrete plans for the practicalities like housing, consult a solicitor and then go. You do not deserve to be treated like this. You will have a difficult year but after that you will be free to be you.
I wish you the very best.

Leave him and live the life you want . He is a bully and you deserve better.

There’s probably a good reason why 2 previous wives have done one.

He sounds like a nasty bully I would cut my losses and leave pronto

You know you deserve better than this . Follow your instincts, get your ducks in a row , collect as much evidence as you can . Make your plans and leave as soon as you can . This is not a healthy relationship. You are married to a bully!!. Do not give a 2nd thought about what others may think. Your priority is to protect your mental health. I hope you have children/ good friends/ family who will support you. I wish you well for your future happiness - go and find it - it is out there. Good luck.

So you are number three in husband's quest for Miss Perfection .
Of course ,none of us look the same as we did when younger.
Is he that great ?
Has his hair line receded ?
Is he a little paunchy ?

It's very tempting to do the same back to him .
And see how he likes a taste of his own medicine !

I experienced similar abuse after being love bombed by a guy .
We were supposed to be getting married.
Suddenly he didn't like my clothes-too long
I've never worn short skirts even when young and slim.
Then my shoes .
Did I have to wear flats?
Then my hair - did I always wear it up ?

Soon it was a constant diatribe against me in everything that I did and said .

Why?
Why did he behave like that ?
I once heard him mutter under his breath ,"Why do I do it ?Why do I always ruin things?"
Yet he persisted.
And I walked.... in fact I ran .
Easy as our relationship had endured for a few months .
Not so easy for you.

Sit down when alone and write down what's good in your relationship and what's bad and how you feel and DELETE .
When bad things outweigh the good - it's time to think about leaving .

And Wyllow and Von are both so right -please follow their advice .
Record his bullying .
And make a plan.
Be clever.
Be cautious.
Be very careful who you confide in.
Take great care.
Wishing you lots of luck .

Plan and leave as soon as possible. This man is not good for you. He is trying to control you and is telling you that you are over sensitive. This is gaslighting and he will only get worse. Try and get things in order like somewhere to live and leave him.You are better on your own than living in a relationship where this is happening. It may seem hard but in the long term you will be happier. I wish you well.

He’s definitely not the man you were expecting or wanting
He is on a mission to undermine you and that’s nasty and is not love
He will do you no good at all so my vote is make your plans to LEAVE but do get all your ducks in a row before you do
Are you in his house ?
Are you equal financially ? Can you support yourself can you talk to your grown up child/children If you’re doing all the work and he’s doing all the play it’s extremely uneven anyway

Get your plans in place and don’t worry about it feeling like failure it would be more of a failure to stay and be constantly put down …that’s not love

Another vote for leave

I joined this forum 10 minutes ago and yours is the first AIBU I read. Your situation made me shudder, having been through two (yes silly me) two marriages like this. two of them said "if you get fat I'll leave you" or words to that effect - no clue that this was a thought at the start of our marriage. I empathise with the ED, it's comments like your husband's that could set it all off again and make you ill.
I am now married to a lovely man who accepts me . I regard him as a good husband. I never doubt that he loves me, even when I put a stone on. He is my very best friend and supporter. He helps with housework, does lots of shopping and generally behaves the way a really excellent friend would.
You are definitely not being unreasonable, trust your instinct.
This man has no understanding of how to treat a partner.

I know it's easy to simply reply "leave him" because now you have low self esteem and probably a lot of your finance and security revolves around him. (I'm guessing here). If at all possible, I would spend as much time as you can with friends and build a support network with people that you trust. Save money, make plans and eventually you can say good bye to this horrible man. It's not your fault you got sucked into the charm of this awful man. Manipulators and bullies are very good at getting you to fall for them. Please try and do things to build yourself up if you can and get some good support around you. It will not be easy but anything is better that living as you are.

I think time one thing we have to contend with is that there is often a fear of loneliness that holds back moving towards a divorce when one has been bullied and reality seems to waver..

You describe yourself as have been confident in the past, it can come back.

Do not let a sense of shame or pride hold you back. You may be worried that a second failed marriage will make people look down on you or say soomething unkind, aternatively you may be too proud to admit a second failure.

Set those thoughts aside aand think about the best and safest thing for you.

Bear in mind, that if you still had your eating disorder, it is wonderful that you have recovered, your husband would probably now be complaining that you were too skinny

(sorry for repetition, I'm tired)

I'd only argue back if you can handle it.

but what you MUST do, is document any instances of bullying or abusiveness. Keep any texts or WhatsApp's or emails,

and discreetly sound record discussions on your mobile. its easy to do, download a Sound Recoding app, wait for an occasion and start a conversation up about what he has said to you, keep recording

This is evidence that you can use to play back should you choose to divorce and he denies having said anything abusive or bullying or put downs: (its leverage to improve any financial agreements it can be played to rellies who think he is the bees knees or friends simply to get support and feedback.

Because men like him rarely bully publicly

A no fault divorce doesn't need evidence like this but it helps all understand why you are doing it. and its leverage to get a better financial deal.

See it for what it is, you've only one life to lead.

Not acting is damaging for you, but take your time.

Do you have family/adult children you can confide in Angelnan?
It might help to have some support if you do.

L E A VE

Return his shit in spades.
When he comments that he prefers how you used to be,

" Well, I preferred you five years ago too., Before you became such a nasty old bully"

"Lots can change in five years. I won't be staying around for another five years of you like this".

You are being co-ercively abused, Angelnan. It's hard to recognise and cope with when you have loved and been loved, including of course in intimate ways.

It happened to me, and I didn't see it happening for a long time because it was more subtle.

Start when he is out by signing this help line, not to immediately take action, but to find out if is coercive abuse, and how to get further help - if you wish to take it.

www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=I+think+I+am+beiing+coercively+abused.+who+can+I+ring.&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

There will be local helplines, and I'm sure this helpline will point the way. Also find solicitors who are very familiar with this area, and can tell you about divorce, if you choose to take that route. (ask helplines)

he is not going to change.

He's not a very nice person, is he? If it were me, I would go but only you know whether you want to continue to put up with his behaviour or not.