AIBU to think my son-in law is mean to deny my daughter the 3rd child she would love.

Ilovecheese

Madgran77 you say
"Hopefully they can discuss this and she can understand his reasoning etc"
Most people seem to agree that she should understand his wishes and give up her desire for another child.
But why not be hopeful that he will be the one to change his mind.

By discussing they can both think carefully about each others viewpoint and reasons and either might change their mind

You are wise saying nothing.

fancyflowers

Please don't voice any opinion on this. It's for the couple themselves to come to some agreement.

It's ok for you to feel sad for your daughter, but let it rest there.

Quite. It’s not your place to comment.

Would you feel the same way if he was pressuring her to have a child she didn’t want?

Maybe your daughter shouldn't be confiding in you...it's not good for their marriage, to be honest.
Wanting a 3rd child has nothing to do with 'having one of each', in my opinion...it's more to do with wanting 3 children.
I am lucky enough to be the mother of 3 (all the same gender), and my husband wanted a third one too.
It was never discussed with anyone outside our relationship

We don’t really know much about this couples exact circumstances, but I can’t help thinking that the OP has (of course) a very partisan view.

If it was rewritten by his mother, from his point of view, it might sound very different!

Altogether I think the whole mother/daughter discussion with the overtones of ‘isn’t he mean” are real danger signals for this relationship. How can that view of him not affect relationships both with his wife and with his in-laws.

How on earth would he forgive these conversations about him and feel happy in his marriage if he knew.

AN41, that was exactly what happened to me! Our ' baby ' is now in her late 30s.
How lucky was I !?

Thinking long and hard about this I feel you should encourage your DD to be content with her two amazing children.
Bringing a third child into the family when one parent is not really on board is not healthy for anyone. My DH was content with two but happy to go for a third. Your SIL is not feeling like that ! They have a happy family so perhaps they should not risk disturbing that.
I feel sure your DD and SIL will come to a satisfactory conclusion.

It's not up to me or - more especially - you to judge the rights and wrongs of this situation. What I would say is that if I had, as a young mum, found myself caught in this quandary, I wouldn't have gone whining to my mother.

My heart goes out to your daughter. This is not a joint decision if he is saying. No'. Perhaps if she were to explain to him that if they don't have a third she would never hold that against him but would always regret it.
It is a difficult one ! I always wanted a third and my DH knew how important that was to me. Number three arrived when our children were age 7 and 9. If your SIL is adamant then your DD
may have to accept that , because having a child when one parent is unhappy about is a recipe for disaster!

It absolutely has to be an agreement between the prospective parents, obviously someone is going to have their wishes thwarted. Only they can know how a third child will impact on everything, their time, their finances, the space their house affords, and last but not least the two children they already have, so there isn't really any definitive answer. I don't think the husband's pov is unreasonable he has an eye to the future and probably sees another child as a disruption to what has already been established.

A friend of mine went for a third child, at the time, they had a son and a daughter, close in age, 5 and 6. Her husband was somewhat railroaded into what was primarily the wife's decision at the time. Their daughter who became the middle child was pretty ok with her new brother, but the son who had to share a room before they moved never really bonded with him, a certain amount of resentment and displacement was felt. For the parents having to go back to that interminable and somewhat chaotic baby stage at a time when they had the first two established in a routine at school also caused a certain amount of upheaval at the time. Well of course they wouldn't be without him now that goes without saying.

As everyone else has stated, it's up to them to work it out.

Please don't voice any opinion on this. It's for the couple themselves to come to some agreement.

It's ok for you to feel sad for your daughter, but let it rest there.

Yesterday 17:31 Kandinsky
Can I just say I am not getting involved and would definitely not say anything.
But when my daughter tells me she’d love another child ( and she really would ) but ‘he’ says no, I can’t help but feel sad for her.
As there is no compromise unless one of them completely changes their mind, there will be one ‘winner’ and one ‘loser’ here.
It sounds like you’ve said all the right things, however, taking the other point of view from most on here, I would let her know how sorry I am that she’s so upset. It wouldn’t be siding with either of them but you’d be telling her you’re there for her no matter what the outcome.

My daughter in law went ahead and had the third baby she wanted (son didn’t- they already had a girl and boy). An “accident” she said, as they had dropped the pregnancy cover in their health insurance. It’s broken them - the marriage is hanging by a thread. Child is now two, and EVERYONE is angry (including the first two children). Let your daughter be very careful what she wishes for

Would you feel the same if she wanted a sixth child?
What is it about three?

Unless they are likely to struggle financially, then yes, I think he is being mean.
We don't know their circumstances though, and it's between them to decide of course, and to deal with any regrets or resentments that might follow.
In my "happily ever after " scenario he would say okay then, just one more then we stop, right? and she would throw her arms around him and love him forever. He would say to himself, eyes to heaven, "the things I do for this woman I love".
- but life's not a story book is it? Yeah, I feel for her.
.

Ideally, should a child not be wanted by both parents (given that they are apparently otherwise happily married, in this instance), rather than it being a case of one 'giving in' to what the other wants?
None of this means that the OP's own feelings about having another grandchild don't matter, of course. Those feelings are perfectly valid, but this is an issue which only the parents themselves can resolve - one way or another.

Do you know whether he really wanted children or whether he was willing to have them because it made your daughter happy?

He doesn’t sound as if it’s been as great an experience for him as it has for your daughter, does it? It’s not something he wants to go on doing, after all.

So actually, rather than being mean, he’s been very loving to support your daughter in her desire for children, I expect he feels he’s given in enough now.

But it s the husband who would probably bear the financial strain if your daughter was looking after three children
You are obviously seeing it all through her eyes and seeing him as denying her her rights
I can feel your disappointed for her but I think we as outsiders can see where he is being practical and the more thoughtful of the two We can’t all have what we want in life surely she’s very lucky to have two happy healthy children

Even though you re not interfering you are not looking at the problem with fair eyes in my opinion Your love of your daughter having what she wants is clouding your common sense

No I wouldn’t think my dd was being mean if her partner wanted a child and she didn’t, simply because it’s the woman who goes through pregnancy and birth and most of the care ( breastfeeding )

It’s really none of your business, although I understand you’re sad for your daughter.
I was your daughter 30 years ago . We had a 5yo boy and 3yo girl and I was very keen on having a third . But my DH was self employed and work wasn’t great at that time . It just wasn’t the right time . A third child meant a bigger car and the loss of my salary for a while . In my head I knew it was the right decision, but in my heart I did feel sad when mum friends were having a third child .
So no I don’t think your sil is being mean , just practical .

You are not being unreasonable to feel sad for your D Kandinsky but you are being unreasonable to say your s.i.l. is mean for not wanting another child.

Greenfinch has asked how you would feel if it was the other way around; would you think your D was mean for not wanting another child if your s.i.l. did?

Thank you all.
I will not get involved. Yes, by voicing my opinion I’m coming across as involved, but I’m using GN as a bit of a safe space to let of steam.
I will support my daughter all through the ups & down of life. I’ve actually said all the right things - count your blessings, you’ve got 2 lovely children and a husband who’s being sensible. I’ve said all this why secretly thinking what I’ve said on here. But I will never let my inner thoughts show.
Thanks again.

Er she of course can completely decide to have a third child without consulting him because it is down to women, due to biology. He can choose not to be involved, but if the need to have a third child is so great then she could leave him and have a child with someone who wants one.
I am not suggesting she do this or that it would be a good plan, but women are by the nature of their biology the decision makers in whether to get pregnant.

Sometimes hormones are to blame. I know someone who had 2 babies in quick succession when her first 2 with first DH were teenagers and time was running out.

She ditched the father, who didn't want children as his were grown up, and she brought them up by herself. She's done well but I feel quite sorry for all those children.