AIBU to think my son-in law is mean to deny my daughter the 3rd child she would love.

Didn’t many of us, after having what was meant to be our final child, still have an incredible desire to have another baby which overoad knowing that our finances etc wouldn’t cover doing so. I know I did, and I was never baby minded. And it needs someone such as ones husband to argue against it. I often wonder about the third child that I would have liked; what he or she would have been like. But I’m glad that I stuck to two. I had two friends who tried to have a third child when they realised they were reaching the menopause; one sadly miscarried and the other one had a child with health problems .

Your job might be to let your DD know that you love her and that 2 children is fine.

You are all lucky. As soon as you start to take sides feel sorry for her you are getting involved.
Do you perhaps want another DGC?
Stand back. Keep out.
You know YABU.

Kadinsky, you have already made your feelings clear:

my son-in law is mean to deny my daughter the 3rd child she would love.
and
AIBU to think the number of children a couple have should be down to the women?

Your second point I have some sympathy with as it is the woman who literally has the physical side of pregnancy, childbirth and child-rearing to deal with, but the man also has extra responsibilities of fathering, finance while (possibly) being the main bread-winner.
It has to be decided by the couple themselves, no-one else and you should be very careful how you support your daughter. The decision has to be reached by mutual consent.
Your daughter has two healthy children, a pigeon pair, and at present, a responsible husband, which many women do not have. She has a great deal to be thankful for.

I don't think Kandinsky had any intention of interfering.

Of course, it’s always possible that he didn’t particularly want children anyway, but accepted that this was important to his wife and gave in because he loved her.

Then it would be her that was being unreasonable, would t it?

westendgirl

Surely it should be a joint decision and for the couple only.

Yup. I would agree very strongly with westendgirl.

Why does anyone with a boy and a girl possibly want another one? The planet does not need more people.

Yes Kadinsky, you are being unreasonable to brand your SIL as mean, it would also be unreasonable to get involved. I get that you was DD to be happy but it is ultimately their business

none of your business.

Of course you are sad for your daughter! You have the right to your own feelings, same for your daughter.

Having kids is a two yes decision between the two people involved.

Being sad does not override his no. Yes kids are expensive money wise, time wise, energy wise, etc.

I think that it's unreasonable to think that your son in law is unreasonable. He sounds like a caring father and husband. That's a lot more than a lot of people have.

Madgran77 you say
"Hopefully they can discuss this and she can understand his reasoning etc"
Most people seem to agree that she should understand his wishes and give up her desire for another child.
But why not be hopeful that he will be the one to change his mind.

And would you feel the same if it was your son in law who wanted the third child and not your daughter?

And if it goes the other way it will be her decision only, won’t it Kadinsky if there’s only two people needing to make a major decision and disagreeing, one will always lose won’t they ?

I can see it from both sides she would dearly love another child, he s saying it’s not practical and maybe not affordable
When it’s something as important as this it has to be an agreed joint decision surely and if they can’t agree it has to stay as it is

Kandinsky

Well exactly Ilovecheese, it’s not a joint decision, it’s his decision.

And if they have another child, that will be her decision.

Is it that you believe the woman has more rights than the man, in deciding on parenthood? Would you agree that he should be able to deny any responsibility for this child he never wanted?

Absolutely nothing to do with you……

Ilovecheese

I would feel sad for her too. When people talk about how it should be a joint decision, in this case it is not a joint decision is it.
If your daughter does not go on to have her wanted third child, the decision has been made for her by her husband. His wishes will prevail. How can this ever be a "joint" decision.

It can’t be a joint decision really. Somebody will be the loser.
Somebody has to give in.

That will be the person who cares most about keeping the marriage, I guess.

That is the couple's own business, no one elses.

Ilovecheese

I would feel sad for her too. When people talk about how it should be a joint decision, in this case it is not a joint decision is it.
If your daughter does not go on to have her wanted third child, the decision has been made for her by her husband. His wishes will prevail. How can this ever be a "joint" decision.

That is often the case if one is part of a couple. The nature of partnership is give and take from both parties but in this case he may well feel that he can't give because of the massive impact on the family. In the end his partner has to accept that if she wishes to be in this partnership then she has to give - as in accept she will not have that 3rd child. Hopefully they can discuss this and she can understand his reasoning etc

Well exactly Ilovecheese, it’s not a joint decision, it’s his decision.

Kandinsky

My daughter has 2 lovely healthy children ( a girl and a boy ) However, she would really love a 3rd but her husband has said no.
He thinks it’s too much stress, too expensive etc etc
AIBU to think the number of children a couple have should be down to the women?

Yes I think you are being very unreasonable. Frankly it sounds like he is sensibly looking at much wider than just having a third child without consideration of the implications

Why on earth should it be down to the woman? Parenthood is a shared enterprise

I would feel sad for her too. When people talk about how it should be a joint decision, in this case it is not a joint decision is it.
If your daughter does not go on to have her wanted third child, the decision has been made for her by her husband. His wishes will prevail. How can this ever be a "joint" decision.

No, I don’t agree with you Kandinsky that it is down to women as to how many children a couple should have. It needs to be, and should be, a joint decision between the couple. Only your D and SiL can come to that decision.

Yes, you can feel sad for your D, that is understandable, but you must leave it at that.

I think you’re quite dismissive of his reasons by adding that “etc” as if it’s just a bundle of insignificant things.

Finances are sound reasons for limiting the number of children in a family. If he is the main breadwinner the stress upon him to support the family may be very real.

Not to mention a child whose father never wanted them🙁

the baby will genetically be 50/50 the genetic mix of the parents. Why should one of them have a momoply over whether a child should be born. Apart from anything else the father will have financial obligations to the child. he should have a say.

But ast others say all this none of your buisiness, and your daugher should not ahve been discussing intimate marital details like this with you.