AIBU to think my son-in law is mean to deny my daughter the 3rd child she would love.

It's down to you what you think, but you shouldn't voice your opinion.

The two of them must make that decision by themselves.

Your son-in-law does have a point though. Children are time consuming and expensive.

It's not two pairs of shoes, it's three. Three sets of clothes instead of two. Three sets of school trips to pay for and three sets of parents' evenings which may well clash.
Three sets of university fees when the time comes

Can your daughter and son-in-law afford all this? Even if they can, it's not your place to interfere in their decision.

Stay out of it.

I think it has to be a joint decision between husband and wife and you shouldn’t give your opinion or interfere

Actually she is very very blessed to be a stay at home mum not many have this luxury nowadays and to expect another child on one wage is unrealistic in my opinion

When a member of my family wanted a dog we said that we could not have one unless everyone in the family was on board with it. And the same applies to a baby!! Both partners have got to be on board with a major decision like this.

And you must of course make it very clear to your DD that you cannot be involved in this discussion, nor be a listening ear for her grumbles about her partner, who is of course entitled to his view.

Grandmabatty

I disagree with you. I don't think he's being mean and I don't think the decision should just be your daughter's. But I definitely don't think you should get involved.

I agree with the husband . It would be a new car , everything is set up for families of 4 . Ultimately if he can’t cope it’s unfair . It’s sad for her but she has 2 . No I think he’s sensible saying it now. X

How many childrlen a couple want, or indeed whether they want children or not should be discussed while they are engaged!

I can see both sides of this. IMO women are more inclined to want another baby "before it is too late" than men. And any man is entitled to honestly say that having another child is added work and added expense.

He may too be longing for the time when he and his wife can plan a week-end away from home without the children, and now sees this being deferred for ten or so years more.

Any woman who believes it is her right to decide the number of children she wants because she is a woman, and not consider her husband's point of view is being down-right selfish.

Whatever the couple's financial situation, the man should take his wife's desire for yet another child into serious consideration and not just say no.

I assume she would expect the unwilling father to finance her hobby rather than going to work to finance it herself.

BlessedArt

Excellent observations.

His body, his choice. His life, his choice.

Mean? We’re talking about a human life.

A baby is not a doll. It’s not a perpetual cute little toy for the mum to play with that the husband is refusing to purchase. The child will need love and support from mum and dad in various forms for life. That requires emotional energy and resources from both parents. Parenting is a two person job today, as it should be. A baby deserves to be brought into the world by two parents who want the child for this reason.

Men aren’t merely sperm donors, and this isn’t the 1950’s where it was acceptable for men to be largely uninvolved in raising a child beyond providing financial stability. Pregnancy and childbirth are temporary for the mother, but being a father/parent a permanent. It’s wrong to justify having a baby to appease a woman by saying “she has to do all the work” because it’s simply not true once the baby is born.

A man has right to decide he no longer wants to create life without being judged in the same way a woman does. Creating life is a ‘two yes’ situation and no person on Earth should be “convinced” or coerced into doing it. Same thing we rightfully say about women applies to men here: His body, his choice. His life, his choice.

The right thing for the OP to do is stop framing this issue as something “mean” being done to her daughter and stop discussing it with her. Son in law’s choices for his body and his life have nothing to do with any extended family. The daughter is an adult. If she cannot reconcile this within her marriage, I’m sure she’ll figure out her next steps without mummy’s involvement in her marital issues.

No ,,its their life not yours.

Why would she like a third child? 'Like' being the operative word. Perhaps her husband has enough with two and feels a third would put a strain on the relationship. Perhaps he would like to do more of a hobby or free up some family time. Another baby would set all of that back by years. I can see his point of view as that would be my choice.

I think the hormones run riot in your 40s. Pressuring you to have another baby before it's too late.
I am glad I resisted and stayed at 2. Some life events which we don't know were coming would have been even more difficult with a baby.
I don't think the SIL is being mean at all. That's unfair on him when he may be taking into account all the reasons why it is not a good idea for the whole family and not just for himself. It sounds like a very adult decision. Not a mean one.

As everyone says it is not your business at all. I expect you know that and I expect you and she would love another little one. But 2 seems such a sensible number financially and logistically.

I remember how annoyed I was by a couple of comments when I was expecting my fourth baby.
Some people don't know when to stop and are you Catholic?. we have an Irish name

My friend's DD who has recently had twins so along with the 2 yr old is very busy, is constantly stopped by strangers who think they have the right to tell her about their own experiences or ask if her boy and girl are identical etc.

I agree with others that it is no one else’s business. That said, I think the idea of another baby comes to most of us as the smallest grow up. Often I think we don’t want another shield, we want the ones we have to be babies again!
As a Mum of three, who I love dearly, that third child is a strain. You need a bigger car, a second hotel room, a non standard table in restaurants. When you go out you have a child each and there is one left over. Attractions like funfairs have seats for2, again one left over. Coaches and trains….
I know these are minor things but they make life more difficult and that third does not fill the baby urge for long.

Franbern

I loved having a baby around, so when my were quite young, I became a local authority foster parent, specialising in small babies = some pre-adoption (would have them direct from hospital for first two or three months). Also babies under a year who need emergency fostering for all sorts of reasons.

Helped out in preventing me just having another baby myself.

I love babies, my body wouldn't cooperate beyond four.

I loved having a baby around, so when my were quite young, I became a local authority foster parent, specialising in small babies = some pre-adoption (would have them direct from hospital for first two or three months). Also babies under a year who need emergency fostering for all sorts of reasons.

Helped out in preventing me just having another baby myself.

Beautyschooldropout

sparkly1000

Another child is another person to support for possibly another 18 years.
That is a big ask and financial commitment.

And that is if the new baby is a singleton and not twins or triplets.

Very valid point - ie they might get more than they bargained for and then the doodah would really hit the fan.

Not to mention it's tempting fate to think "Well the two we have so far are perfectly healthy and mum came out of it perfectly healthy - so a third one would be fine as well". That may not be the case. So it could be another person added into the equation AND unexpected health problems AND we all know the standard of our NHS is steadily getting worse and worse and life generally is "harder to live" than back in the Normal Times of the 1980s for instance and all this "fighting" we have to do just to keep the level of everything we expected to have as far as we can is distinctly wearing. Not forgetting that whose job is secure these days? - unless one is in the royal family and "behaving" in accordance with that and AI is steadily making inroads on available jobs and the situation would be even more problematic if there was another "mouth to feed". It's quite horrifying to see just how little help there is in paying a mortgage, for instance, these days compared to what there used to be.

She'd be tempting fate all round if she adds that factor of another child into the equation.

25Avalon

Where does it end? some women just love the baby stage, so as the youngest child grows up they want another. I know someone who had 4 children this way.

I used to follow several American fundamentalist couples who had 10, 12, 15+ children. Once the newest child was 6 or 7 months , it was weaned and given to a sibling to look after while mum and dad got on making the next baby.

sparkly1000

Another child is another person to support for possibly another 18 years.
That is a big ask and financial commitment.

And that is if the new baby is a singleton and not twins or triplets.

Where does it end? some women just love the baby stage, so as the youngest child grows up they want another. I know someone who had 4 children this way.

I'm presuming that the two children are still quite young. They are going to be a lot more expensive as they get older and I think he is being sensible in thinking about money. Does she just like the idea of another child? I'm sure most of us have done that at times, but three children are definitely more work than two and there would be times when plans had to be changed, or perhaps treats had to be postponed, which might not have happened with just two children. Personally I think you have to have a really good income for more than two children. My daughter and her husband both have good jobs with good salaries, but they waited a long time to start their family and still find two quite a financial stretch.

Another child is another person to support for possibly another 18 years.
That is a big ask and financial commitment.

With 2 children myself (and being the prime caretaker) I think it should be down to both parents and never just the woman. Additional expenses, sleepless nights etc affect everyone in the household, not just a mother. Childcare costs are astronomical. I get 30 hours from the government for each child and still end up paying an extra £500 'charges' on top (without any additional hours over the 30 allowance) and a food shop now is so expensive. As women I think we feel the draw of having children but maybe do not always fully consider the practicalities of doing so.

He’s the sole breadwinner? Thats a big ask.