Childminding by grandmothers

I look after my nearly 2 year old grandson one day a week. I am 70 now and at the end of the day I am completely exhausted.
My daughter works 4 days a week, grandson goes to Nursery 2 days, I have him one and other Grandma 1 day.
I said that was all I was prepared to do but I am constantly having to get him from Nursery as he either has a temperature, rash or been sick. I dread the phone ringing.
Unfortunately the other Grandma doesn’t drive!

No. I am the same age as you. I feel healthy but lifting and carry a 9 month old at nearly 8 kgs is something different plus the fact of stairs. You are not being unreasonable.

One thing I’d add, IMO tiredness/exhaustion from unaccustomed childcare (when you’re getting on a bit!) can have other consequences.

When Gds was still only 4 months old, , he developed a bad case of bronchiolitis that put him in the ICU, sedated, tube fed, and on oxygen, for a week.

I was no longer doing regular childcare, but was still willing for one offs/emergencies. Dd naturally enough wanted to stay with Gds in hospital, so I went to look after Gdd, still under 2. She was a very good little girl, no trouble, but I was still frankly knackered after 5 days.

Went home feeling like a wet rag, promptly got a stinking cold, which was followed almost immediately by shingles.

I still put it down to my immune system being lowered through sheer exhaustion.

I’m 69 and have 2 grandchildren aged 7 and 4, I ve looked after both of them from birth up to now 1 to 2 days per week and they ve gone to nursery for the other days or mum and dad arrange their hours to accommodate childcare on the days they re not at school/nursery, it’s worked for us so far but I d be lying if I said it was easy, it’s hard and tiring especially when they were little and sore on the back and arms rocking little ones off to sleep,it’s much easier now they re older and I ll miss the little one when he starts school in September ( I’m actually looking after him today). You can only do what you feel capable of and may just be enough to say that you ll be there in case of emergencies, they shouldn’t be expecting you to be providing free childcare at the expense of your health

Parents have to meet certain criteria to be eligible for the 30 hours of childcare - it's not offered across the board.

I’m nearly 67 and looked after my first grandson for one day a week when my daughter returned to a 3 day working week. The other two days, he went to nursery. In order for my daughter to manage her 2 hr commute, it meant me rising at 5am, drive to her house so she could leave at 7am. During the winter months when it was dark, cold and sometimes icy, I hated it. I also caught the bugs children catch at nursery and often had a chest infection.
It was also very tiring doing a 12 hr day.

The second grandchild has arrived and my daughter returns to work later this year. I’ve not been asked yet, but I will have to say no. Its too much and arthritis doesnt help, so he will have to go to nursery instead.
I do believe they now get 30hrs free childcare, so this is something your DIL
should look in to.
Its hard to say no, but you also have to consider your wellbeing. You dont want to get to the point where you may dread it.

We took on GD for month until old enough for creche. Yes we were too old, by about 10 yrs but at least there were two of us. Baby took over our lives and house and everything else put on long finger. Then when creche started, baby brought home series of bugs that of course we picked up as back minding her when not well enough for creche. You were wise to be honest ... the old phrase "start as you mean to go on..."

I think you have done the right thing. Apart from your age there are the obvious safety issues you have mentioned which must always be taken into account. Well done for not feeling pushed into taking this on.

Your reasons for saying no are all justifiable but actually I don’t think you need them. No means no and you don’t need to apologise for it. I would be doing the same. I think they are being naive….and hopeful…Let them sort out their own childcare issues and stand your ground if you need to.

Their choice to have a baby..they should look after it or pay a professional.
I too am 76 and I couldn’t look after a baby all day.

Maybe you could have your grandchild at your home.
We did both. Theirs and ours. It was a joy tiring yes but a joy.
All the best.

If they both have good well paid jobs, why can’t they pay for childcare?
They made the decision to have children so it is their responsibility to care for them.

I'm a good few years younger than you and looked after my grandson twice a week from him being 6 months to when he started school at 4 last September. It was hard work and much harder than looking after my 3 kids. Age tires us.

We did it, because we wanted to help that's great Witzend but not everyone wants too and not everyone can so a refusal shouldn't put the parents out should it, resulting in the GM asking if people think it was unreasonable of her to refuse.

Sueinkent

eddiecat78

If you can afford it you could offer to pay for a day or 2 in nursery instead.
This is what we did. We didn't want to be tied to regular childcare but said we would step in if there was an emergency

Why on earth should she do that? Have the kids? Pay for the kids.

We did it, because we wanted to help. Some things are harder for young parents now than they were for my generation - the relative cost of housing, for starters. A modest family house is no longer affordable on just one average salary, as it so often was a few decades ago.

It’s certainly more than a few decades ago now, but in his book Ethel and Ernest, Raymond Briggs (The Snowman) relates how in the pre WW2 1930s, his parents bought a 3 bed house in Wimbledon, for £850 - on ONE milkman’s wage!

Dh knows the area very well and was able to identify the road. You’d have a job to find anything under a million now!

YANBU Jules 777.

Cossy 10.42 I politely disagree. A compromise is not appropriate if it results in boundaries being crossed - e.g. results in adverse health, safety and well being for any party in relationships.

Childcare responsibility lies solely with the parents- it is not a joint problem/responsibility with Jules777, such that she iOS required to negotiate towards an agreed a solution with the parents that compromises her health and wellbeing so that "everyone is happy". She has rightly and reasonably at 76 years old set out her boundaries to protect her health and well being.

You’re not being unreasonable, however, I do think you should try and come to some form of compromise so that everyone is “happy”

Wishing you all the very best, all our children had child minders and/or nurseries, it does children no harm at all

M0nica

Flippinheck

welbeck

How do you know how difficult it is to carry a suitcase up their stairs???

This told me all I needed to know.

What, exactly, did this tell you?

........that it never occurred to her son or DiL to offer to carry her suitcase upstairs for her, despite her age.

We had a narrow windy staircase in our last house and I always just picked my father's bag up and carried it up stairs for him. The same for several friends and other family who I realised would find it difficult to do it for themselves.

I left DC and DGC to carry there numerous heavy bags upstairs on their own.

It shows how selfish this couple are, thinking of no one but themselves and their convenience.

Yes, that's how I read it too.

Our DC or SiL would always seize our suitcases and carry them upstairs for us.

indeed MOnica.

Flippinheck

welbeck

How do you know how difficult it is to carry a suitcase up their stairs???

This told me all I needed to know.

What, exactly, did this tell you?

........that it never occurred to her son or DiL to offer to carry her suitcase upstairs for her, despite her age.

We had a narrow windy staircase in our last house and I always just picked my father's bag up and carried it up stairs for him. The same for several friends and other family who I realised would find it difficult to do it for themselves.

I left DC and DGC to carry there numerous heavy bags upstairs on their own.

It shows how selfish this couple are, thinking of no one but themselves and their convenience.

Jules777 - looking after GC on a regular basis can be a real joy and I have done this with several of mine and have enjoyed it and gone on to have close relationships with these GC - all brilliant.

But ...... there is no way I would have taken it on at your age and you are absolutely right to say no. I hope your family will understand your decision, which is being made for very sound reasons.

luluaugust

I did do some care in my late 50s but arthritic hands would stop me now at 78, apart from fear of tripping over carrying baby. The other thing is lugging a growing baby around will finish off any back problems you may have.

This is so true, is not always easy for an older person with possible health problems to stoop to pick up a baby and carry that baby around. I have older GCs minded when in my early sixties, and even then found it exhausting. Now there is a second wave of babies in the family from other DDs three GCs all under five. We couldn’t mind them on a regular basis but we did often take one of them occasionally to help out. Getting down on the floor was never easy but is nigh on impossible to look after babies/toddlers without getting down on the floor, and my back paid the price.
After my DH had a massive stroke minding the GCs has now become impossible, but it was already becoming too hard.
Our ACs need to stop seeing us as possible nannies and start seeing us as older people who can’t do what we once did.

I did do some care in my late 50s but arthritic hands would stop me now at 78, apart from fear of tripping over carrying baby. The other thing is lugging a growing baby around will finish off any back problems you may have.

There are 2 parents in well paid jobs who should plan their family round their incomes not around free care from family.

welbeck

How do you know how difficult it is to carry a suitcase up their stairs???

This told me all I needed to know.

What, exactly, did this tell you?