Childminding by grandmothers

M0nica

What right have parents to expect grandparents to do child care, no matter what the age of the grandparent?

They should just be grovelling grateful if the grand parents will do any of it.

Absolutely.

It really annoys me when our children just expect us to do it. They should sort it out before having babies. I said no because I used to work part time. But I could have fitted some time in but genuinely didn’t want to. I was my time. They are now 20, 18, 17 and 15. I still don’t feel bad at turning them down. Don’t beat yourself up because you did what is right for you.

Far from being unreasonable you are being very sensible by letting your family know how you feel right from the start. Once you are committing yourself to childcare it is not always easy or well received if you want to make changes or stop altogether. None of us are getting any younger and we no longer have the energy needed for looking after boisterous youngsters.
I am a hands on Granny (78) but I am looking forward to the youngest GC going to secondary school this September and finally saying goodbye to school pick ups giving me some more time for myself.

Twelve years ago we said an immediate no to our son and partner and it was met with some frostiness and total amazement.
Her mum gave up work to do several days a week for them. They wanted us to share this but we were both working and frankly 🤷‍♀️...
It took them no time at all to get over the "no" and find a really lovely childminder and later a nursery to share the job. They didn't ask when babies 2 and 3 came along.

I love all 7 of our grandchildren dearly (and have spent weeks abroad to help in an emergency situation at one point) but day-by-day we would have said "no".

The first grandchild in our family is an adult now. The youngest is a pre-schooler.
If we had started with the first would we still be doing it a quarter of a century later?


You can truly love, and be loved without doing this.
❤️
You love them and they must love you to have asked the question.
I think just be honest. All will be well.

eddiecat78

If you can afford it you could offer to pay for a day or 2 in nursery instead.
This is what we did. We didn't want to be tied to regular childcare but said we would step in if there was an emergency

Why on earth should she do that? Have the kids? Pay for the kids.

I was in my 50s when I looked after my GS. I was energetic and strong. I am now 76 and often tired and have lost a lot of my strength. I would definitely not have the confidence to look after a little one. I would be afraid of dropping him or not being able to chase after him. Nor would I trust myself not to doze off!

boo12
It's not your job to sort out who your dil leaves her baby with.
Except to say not you.
Just Say No.
You can't do it.
That's all.
As they say on MN
No is a complete sentence.
All the best.

boo12

Iv had to be very strict .
It’s our own fault . Love the little one but dil just turns up expecting a night out and I’m in organ failure😥
I say yes as I don’t know who she would leave her with . I feel for you xx

Boo did I understand that correctly? Are you in organ failure and your DIL just turns up expecting a night out? What!? I feel for you.

As far as the OP goes, you are not being unreasonable. Offering to help out on an ad hoc basis is reasonable. I’m continually amazed at parents who take it for granted that grandparents will do another round of child rearing, because that’s more or less what is expected. (Of course, if you wish to or choose to or there is no other option, that’s a different matter).

No, I think Jules did mean 2.5 months, not years, as the parents will both be going back to work after leave entitlements when the baby is 11.5 months old.

You said 2.5 months old - presumably you meant years?

In any case IMO at 76 you are perfectly entitled to decline. I was 67 when the eldest Gdc was born, I did one day a week then (willingly!) but I wouldn’t do it now at 77 - I do get more tired. I don’t think relatively young parents realise how much more tiring childcare can be when you’re getting on a bit.

And I well remember even at 67 being worried about dropping baby Gdd when coming down the stairs, or e.g. having a stroke while I was watching her in the bath, etc!

GDc2 arrived only 15 months after his sister, and even then I knew two would be too much. We helped with nursery costs instead, and yes, I know we were fortunate to be able to do so.

Am I being completely unreasonable, or are they being naive to imagine that it would be an easy matter for me to mind an active toddler on my own at the age of 76?

You are not at all unreasonable.

I am giving a wry smile because yes, they are naïve as they have have no experience - yet - of looking after a toddler.

No, not unreasonable. Let them be put out.

'Let them be glad as easily as they got mad' - so says daughter3.

Not your baby, not your problem to solve.

How do you know how difficult it is to carry a suitcase up their stairs???

This told me all I needed to know.

I am entirely with you on this. I am the same age as you and although DH and I looked after DD’s twins one day a week in our early sixties, I certainly couldn’t do it now.

Be assured that it is the parents who are being unreasonable. And also apparently have no idea of how much effort goes into looking after a young child especially when they become mobile and you have to be constantly on alert.

It's not a good idea in several ways.

You will be 80 before the child starts school. Having responsibility for a baby and small child at your age could, quite honestly, be quite risky. Are you supposed to travel to their house too?
I don't like spiral staircases even without carrying a baby.

As you are on your own too, I would say this is an absolute no and I think they are expecting far too much for you to take on this responsibility. If you were much younger it could be very enjoyable but, putting it bluntly, you aren't.

I hope it goes well when you tell them and you are able to enjoy your grandchild sometimes - when they are there too.

beststartinlife.gov.uk/childcare-early-years-education/15-and-30-hours-support/working-families/eligibility/

This is the current funding available.

I looked after my daughter's two from the time I was 6o until I was about 72. At 79 I am still providing occasional lifts for them. IT was all great fun, but I wouldn't want to start with a baby at 76. It isn't selfish, it's sensible.

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I am now reassured that I have the absolute right to decline to become an unpaid childminder at the age!

I assume they considered child care before they had the baby?

They should pay for a nursery or use the free places with additional wrap around care.

We are, we think, fortunate in living far enough away from our DGC not to have been asked to do regular child care, but close enough that we could do emergency help. We did our bit by looking after our own children and think that it's up to parents to arrange care for their own children.

Recently met a former colleague who is in her late 50s or early 60s and looks after her 16-month-old DGD on one day a week while working the other weekdays. While she loves her DGD, she finds that exhausting enough!

ViceVersa

No, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Looking after a toddler of that age, especially if they are particularly active, is not an easy task and I'm not even sure I'd be up to it these days, and I'm a good few years younger than you.

Also The other gran may struggle in her 60s . If they have children they need to sort childcare. I don’t mind being emergency but I’m ill and plan on enjoying my last years .

Iv had to be very strict .
It’s our own fault . Love the little one but dil just turns up expecting a night out and I’m in organ failure😥
I say yes as I don’t know who she would leave her with . I feel for you xx

You are not being unreasonable at all and to be honest, they’re both in well paid jobs so tell them to pay for professional childcare where their little one can play and be entertained in a safe and stimulating environment.
Enjoy your senior years Jules.

Good for you for saying ‘no’ at the outset. Much better than trying and having to say ‘sorry, no can do’ a few weeks in.

I know the difference ten years can make as that is the gap between my two sets of Gchn - I simply don’t have the same energy for the younger two.

My DS and DIL were very tired when they both returned to full time work so we have the children overnight once a fortnight. They appreciate a night of uninterrupted sleep!