Childminding by grandmothers

Flippinheck

welbeck

How do you know how difficult it is to carry a suitcase up their stairs???

This told me all I needed to know.

What, exactly, did this tell you?

I wondered too😂
My DS is going to the chiropractor today. She’s 70 and has just spent some time with her grandchildren. One of them is quite hefty and needed taking out of his high chair.
She’s pretty fit but most of us do lose some physical strength and flexibility as we age. Luckily I had mine when I was in my late fifties.

My wife is 67 and would say no too, been there, done that, doesnt like small children much either

She'd say welcome to parenthood, enjoy it while you can. They both appear to have good jobs, pay for nursery care.

Both my mother and my mother in law were in their late 60's/early 70's when I was pregnant for the first time.

Due to circumstances outside our control, my husband and I had niblings who were in the reproductive era or close to it. So when both of them said they were not prepared to "babysit" our children, we accepted that boundary.

However it seemed that they were capable of looking after our great-niblings baby/toddler!

However we accepted their boundaries and then asked them why they were upset when we never ever ever asked them to look after our children?

If they offered, we would accept, otherwise, your boundary, your rule.

and still we were wrong!

I was very hands on with mine but I couldnt have at 76. You are not being unreasonable, I think they are.

You're not being unreasonable. it takes a very fit person to look after an infant,

Don’t feel bad about saying ‘no’. - a few years ago, I was asked to do school runs for my youngest son’s boys.
I just couldn’t do it, because I was already committed to my eldest daughter’s children, and I was working. So I said ‘no’ and explained it all. They were disappointed at first, but I think they understood There were no ill feelings.
You must think of yourself .first .

You've totally decided the right thing and please don't let them sway you otherwise. I'm 68 and look after GC one day a week and have done so since GC was 7 months old. It's very tiring with child that expects/wants 100% attention all day and then there's the 80 minutes travelling time each way. Its always at the back of my mind the what ifs such as what if I were to take ill while doing childcare, passed out etc. I remember in employment that we weren't allowed to work solo for that very reason (pre covid WFH) so where's the difference? I'm in good health but things can change in a flash so I'm seriously thinking about teaching GC how to make an emergency call on my mobile. As a previous poster said, you'll be 80 by the time your GC starts school and by then they could have had baby no. 2 which you'd probably also be expected to care for. Stick with your decision for your own well being.

Isn't that favouritism? I would have been peeved if my mum looked after a siblings children and not mine.

Not having the capacity to babysit is nothing to feel guilty about. Childcare is the responsibility of the people who made the child. It’s irresponsible to depend on elderly parents as childcare. A plan and a back up plan should be made pre-birth, even pre-pregnancy.

I only babysit on my own terms. I don’t feel even a little bit guilty. I love them all dearly but my health is too fragile to run myself into the ground. It’s okay for grandparents to be just that!

I agree Monica.

I sometimes wonder whether we have had a generation of child rearing that put the child first, where children were looked after protected from every risk and given help and encouragement all along the way.

The result being that the apron strings between child and parent haven't broken properly and adult children just assume parents are there to help with all the problems in life.

It is not about children being spoilt, but instinctively expecting someone else to sort all their problems out. When it comes to grandchildren, then grandparents are automatically the backstop.

I’ve been waiting for a post like this to come up. Please do not for a second feel guilty about your decision. I agreed & indeed looked forward to 2 days years ago while still working part time but it quickly became onerous with increasing expectations to include the parental ‘breaks’ apparently much needed. I would have grandkids overnight as well as by day on condition they would be collected by 10am the following morning so I could get on with my weekend - that was dubbed ‘selfish’.
‘You can do what you want on other days now you’re retired’ ‘what else are you doing with all your time?’ ‘don’t you want to be with your own grandchildren?’ were frequent, hurtful remarks.
I once read childminding is a privilege on both sides which I feel is true but responsibility for children is certainly not a shared responsibility with grandparents. The pressure is immense & the applied guilt for how you spend your own time crippling.
Childminding facilities are much advanced & available from when our kids were young - parents think on - we have done our bit under much more difficult circumstances than you - we do our bit now but not necessarily at your behest. Be grateful for what you get!!!

I am a bit younger though. I am 71 this year.

No, you’re def not being unreasonable. My husband and I looked after our first grandson, who’s now 9, for one day a week. We were in our early 60s then and it was manageable for 2 of us. Now we’re both in our early 70s and look after our second grandson (14 months old) for one day a week. We can def feel the difference! We’re both shattered by the end of the day - and that’s sharing the care. I couldn’t do it on my own. I’d struggle to carry him for a start, especially in and out of the car. If your son and his wife are well paid they can get childcare, or as someone else mentioned, there may be some entitlement to free care. They shouldn’t assume that you can do it.
When our 2 children were born, my parents both worked full time and my in-laws were older and lived further away, so I just gave up working and we had to manage. Perhaps that should also be considered.

Sadgrandma yes there is 30 hours free nursery However in my granddaughters case, she attends a private nursery as she has autism and the nursery are fantastic with her. The nursery couldn't afford to just give the 30 hours on their own and it is taken along side paid for hours. So me DGD goes to nursery on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays. It still costs her parents £500 per month. I used to look after her every Friday. Her mum brought her here and they both stopped the night and her mum worked from home at our house. Then work decided she needed to be at in the office and DGD started going to nursery on Fridays. Her other Grandparents had her every Monday and Thursday when her other Grandad takes her to swimming class. Since the change we have her once a fortnight mum and dad drop her off on Sunday lunch time and pick her up on Monday evening. It is usually my DDinlaw who comes after work and has dinner with us too then we get her bathed, pyjamas on and back home with her mum.We adore having her here. Yes she is very hard work. Because of her Autism she is going through the terrible two's but at age four with the strength and height of a four year old. I am kind of dreading this coming to an end when she goes to school fill time. We have already been asked can we have her during the school holidays again shared care with the other grandparents and of course we have said yes! She keeps me fit too. The child care is always at our house which we have set up with appropriate baby gates locks on cupboard doors etc. My conservatory is like a nursery storeroom lol!

Retread

Many of the responses to support declining to do childcare cite age, stamina, etcetera. Fair enough.

For me there's another reason too - some might say a selfish one - but I feel that having dealt with everything that goes along with having lived as long as I have I have earned the right to reclaim time for me and enjoy these precious late-life years.

(Having said that, of course I will always step up in a crisis or an emergency).

A perfectly reasonable position.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. You should be enjoying your time now doing things you want to do. Their child - their responsibility. Do not tie yourself down at this time in your life and certainly don’t feel guilty about it.

Many of the responses to support declining to do childcare cite age, stamina, etcetera. Fair enough.

For me there's another reason too - some might say a selfish one - but I feel that having dealt with everything that goes along with having lived as long as I have I have earned the right to reclaim time for me and enjoy these precious late-life years.

(Having said that, of course I will always step up in a crisis or an emergency).

I was 61 when I retired at the same time my granddaughter was born and I looked after after her 1 day a week. Three years later at 64 I looked after my grandson 1 day a week. I am now 76 my grandchildren are 14 and 11 and I know I could not look after a 1 year old child now. At our age we are less mobile, less strong, tire more easily and don't have the stamina to be responsible for a young baby, you are not being unreasonable at all. The health and safety of you and the child would be at risk if you accepted their request.

I took on my DGS for just one day when he was just over a year old and I was 64. I was Ok but I slept really well that night. When he got to 2, I joined a toddler group in the morning (lots of other grans) which ran off some of his energy, and we did things like swimming and library visits.
When he was 4, he started his govt hours and I did the deliver and collect on another day, which meant up to be there at 8 and doing the 5 to 6 which was OK, especially in summer with home via the park.
I have to say it is different between boys and girls. But at 11.5 they may not yet be walking, so parents have not yet thought around the dangers, so, while children do adapt perhaps a mention of this as a separate conversation.

I must admit, that at 73, I am not sure I could do it now. Perhaps you might suggest that when he is older you could do a little but lifting and bending would not be possible.

If you are in the UK, they now get 30 free hours of nursery care until they are 4 unless they earn £100K+, so if you feel up to it and drive, you could do the "top and tail" hours. Once he is in school it is easier and if you feel you can, then again delivery and collect.
School holidays are wearing, so I took him to local adventure centres, park and swimming, football club etc

Good grief, who on earth would entrust such a young child to a 76 year old grandparent? With the best will in the world, that’s just nuts!
As a reasonably fit 61 year old, I’d struggle to keep up with a running toddler.

Stand your ground. Their request is unreasonable in many ways.

I see this as just ignorance of what's involved in child care rather than cheek.

A couple in their 60s with possible experience of childminding compared to a single woman 10 years older is like chalk and cheese.

You are very wise to say no at an early stage.

When our first DGC was born 19 years ago I remember saying to her other DGP that they were lucky to live nearby and could see her fairly often. "We only see her when she's sick!" they replied.
Both she and her sister went to full time nursery from about 10 months. It was fearfully expensive but meant both DS and DDiL could go to work each day and keep their jobs.

They have got a bloody cheek - they can get a lovely Childminder if they are lucky enough to find one or use a nursery - stand your ground - they will get over it and make sure you see them and the little one to build relationships xxx

You definitely are not being unreasonable, I’m 75 mobile and in ok health, I offer to have two of my grandchildren aged 6 and 7 once a week during holidays, they are great children and we enjoy our time together, there is no way when they were babies I could have contemplated looking after them a couple of days a week .

My first granddaughter was born when I was 50, full time working, so did what I could for my single mum daughter. I took my granddaughter from 7 am every weekday, deposited her at nursery and collected her at 4.30 pm. Then I had her overnight from 6 pm on Friday night until lunchtime Saturday. When her sister arrived I would collect her from nursery and keep her for tea a few days a week. It was a lovely time for us all, but I rarely did full days of care for them. 28 years later I still do minimal grandma duties for my youngest granddaughter - I relocated 160 miles so I could collect her from nursery, cook her tea, play games for a few hours once or twice a week. I would infrequently babysit while my son and his wife went out. My granddaughter is now 14 and we have a lovely relationship, with her being a lovely help to me. I was never ASKED to do the child care, I volunteered for it, probably because when I had my 4 children I received no family help as we lived hundreds of miles away. There is no way that at my age, almost 78, that I would be able to do more than a morning or afternoon childminding, it wouldn't be fair on the child or me. Your grandchild will have a much better day in a professional nursery, where they will be interacting with other children, having stimulating play activities with their assigned nursery staff. Do not feel guilty about refusing to be a carer, offer what you can, babysitting once a fortnight or whatever you can safely do. I think that your son/daughter have been incredibly cheeky to ask this huge undertaking, and I note that you say UNPAID too, that's definitely taking the Michael.