Where does being a good neighbour start or stop?

M0nica

Doodledog Your childhood experience is one way that families worked in your childhood, but I think you are generalising from a sample of one.

I am a war baby, My grandmother lived with us for 5 years because her house was destroyed in the bombing, my other hrand parents lived a couple of hundred yards away. i saw them on Sunday at church and we woud walk part of he way home together, but only went to their house for family events

Then my father's job took us to another part of the country, so trips to grandparents were a big event that happened in school holidays. I knew very few people who had grandparents living locally. One of the links my best friend and I had at school were that we both had grandparents who lived in south London. As a child as a parent and as a grandparents, spontaneous visits to grandparents were not even thought of, for me, my children and now my grandchildren, visiting grandparents has meant a journey, by bus, by train, by car, and a stay over of several days to make it worthwhile

I am not suggesting that my experience was the norm either. I think there were/are many ways the relationship between genrations was /is worked out in the past as in the present.

Oh definitely. It was just an example, although I may have worded it in a way that suggested otherwise.

The point remains, though, that lifestyles evolve, and what is usual in one generation is not always the same in the next, which is the relevance to the OP, who is being expected to fit with the older neighbour's way of looking at the world.

All sorts of behaviours change, as a result of little things such as getting telephones installed and then change again as landlines become rarer, as well as big things such as it being the norm for women to work, and huge things such as wars.

There are some (not all) older people who cling to the idea that the way their generation did things was 'right', and judge younger generations in that light. Sending or not sending cards, children being grateful for presents and so on are small things that cause a lot of real hurt, but are not intended to do so.

An example (yes, a sample of one, but for illustration) is my mum hates getting Moonpig cards because she sees them as not having 'bothered to go to the shop'. My daughter sends them, and they are really thoughtful. She chooses photos and writes her own slogans to make the cards personal - to me that is far more about 'being bothered' than buying a mass-produced card in which someone else has written the verse. It's all about perception, isn't it?

Don't allow bossy neighbour to guilt- trip you into feeling you should do more to help. It's been my experience that families are quite happy to let someone else look after their parents and the more you do, the more they'll let you

Another way to look at it is; don’t say yes then someone who can help will have to be approached.

Being involved in the past with older distant relatives, have had what I call ‘voyeurs’ SAY they are helping but they are not.

Better then to approach another neighbour or neighbours.

Best wishes OP.

Kindness can go to far, and the minute you say sorry I can't do it, you'll be the bad guy, I dont mind looking out for my elderly neighbours in a emergency, but her family should be more involved, if they can't help, then pay someone or get social services involved,..its just another way of taking pressure from family and putting it on neighbours...its not fair..

If you to land up needing a bit if help is bossy neighbour going to tend to you too. YANBU. The couple just do not want anyone interfering or do no recognise that they need help. Leave it to them and the daughter to sort out their lives. If all becomes serious daughter should be involving social services.

It's really none of the bossy neighbours business. Is she watching to see when you are helping your neighbour?
It is up to the neighbours themselves and the family.
Sometimes "help" is just interference.

They don't want to look after her or get people to do it for nothing or on the cheap.

A bunch of cheap skates by the sound of it.That is how people like that get their money.
Sounds as though the lady should be in a nursing home.

Feel very sorry for the elderly lady but you have to look after yourself first.

Don't let them try and make you feel guilty.

Try to be kind, help when you can manage it. Yes in an emergency of course. Perhaps with putting the bins out, things like that. Dont be bullied by the organising person.
x

No,definitly Dont start 'popping in for chats', or 'asking if they need anything' when you go shop either- Not trying to be mean- but thats how you get roped in to the helping on a regular basis! And as different people have differing views on whats just being neighbourly and what is too much, then its hard, but if you start any of that then you are doing exactly what the bossy neighbour wanted in first place!- A chat would be ok say if you were both out in respective gardens, or in the street but i would not go 'pop in' to their home on a regular basis- or it will probably snowball from there.And you're not up to that,so if bossy neighbour mentions it again, say (again) that you arent in a position to do so,but ask again about their daughter- ask if she actually knows the others are all doing this? She needs telling,because if the couple need so much help,then maybe either the daughter needs to organise proper care, with social services if they qualify,or paid help/care if she can pay for it- or wether she needs to start considering if they need to be living in a sheltered housing accomodation of some sort if they're so frail etc.? Its sad, but if all the other neighbours are elderly too then its safer all round if the daughter knows and fully understands how they are managing,or what help/care they do really need.It could be that she knows nothing of all this extra care they are getting from all their neighbours, and she is asking her parents when she visits "are you ok? & for pills,shopping,appts etc?" And they are just replying,"yes we're ok"- and she then thinks they are still managing by themselves under their own steam. She needs to know, to organise carers,nurses,hospital transport too for appointments.etc.(could you intercept her one day when she visits,and explain how yourselves arent in a position to help like the others do, due to health issues,but that youre concerned that they might need proffesional care instead?) Its her duty, not their neighbours.Like someone else said,they are stopping them getting the proper help & care that they need & are entitled to.Listen out for if they're banging on the wall for Help if they've had a fall or something,in a real emergency,or if they knock on your door asking if one has collapsed or something,but apart from that, you really need to take care of yourselves.

You can organise for bins to be on assisted collection aszwell, with the council,their daughter needs to do that if they cant, but she would need to say why she cannot go help them put them out- maybe if she lives too far away or sonething to pop over every bin day?

*as well

petra

If the daughter has a demanding job that would go with a good wage, ie being able to pay for help.
But that is by the bye, the elderly couple aren’t getting the help they need.
It is understandable if people don’t enjoy good health not being able to chip in but if your of sound mind and body, why wouldn’t you 🤷‍♀️
I’d chip in with the housework and gardening because I’m very good at that.
We live in a close with 18 bungalows. Only 6 of those bungalows have working households.
We all chip in to help when someone needs help.

I agree.We help out several very elderly neighbours, shopping now and then, putting their bins out, that sort of thing.

A lot of things these days can be delivered for them-prescriptions, food- shops,etc.And the bins collected and lifts to get to hospital visits etc can all be arranged, or cleaners or help via age concern, even by phone.But they either need to do it if they can themselves, or their daughter must for them.

Oreo&Petra- like i said,different people have different ideas on 'being neighbourly' - but that degree of help is what carers are for.And that might be preventing a carer from taking up a job that earns them a wage/salary.

As I see it the family are the ones who are now responsible and they have not asked you to help. Its nothing to do with the bossy neighbour. It seems entirely reasonable to say that you are prepared to assist in an emergency, but you have your own health challenges and cant do more. We were in the exact same situation for many years with a neighbour whose daughter lived in Australia. We were in our 50s and 60s and healthy and loved her to bits so happy to help, but what started off as popping in and doing a bit of shopping escalated over the years to being first point of call when she fell out of bed at 3am and pressed the pendant round her neck. It was a huge responsibility, extending through the Covid years and including disinfecting all her groceries and taking her for injections, to the doctor and A&E. I really dont think we could do anything like that now we are in our 70s. Unfortunately once you start, with the best will in the world it tends to become an expectation.

Monica-Re the cards- maybe your daughter can go card shop and choose one with no verse and STILL write in her own message & things,then post it normally,or give to her gran herself,or via you.I think some card shops even stock moonpig made cards these days so obviously its the 'hand written' bit that bothers her.

Saying no is perfectly reasonable. I’d be concerned about the potential for things to go wrong, perhaps being accused of stealing if you’re handling money for them, or if you accidentally broke something while cleaning their house. Or you having an accident while in their property - do they have insurance to cover that?

Yes,thats what i meant,exactly as SunnySusie explained- it snowballs.

Everyone has the right to decide how much support they are willing and able to provide. In addition, if the couple are cognitively intact, it is their right to decide how much support they want. If they don't have someone willing and able to support them at no cost, and if their finances are such that Social Services won't cover the cost, they have the option to either buy in care and support, or live at risk without it. Either way, that's their responsibility as long as they have the ability to make that choice.

Excellent advice above. I think I'd collapse in a heap if I was asked to help anyone else. I have a very demanding and I'll sister. Along with another friend we've just managed to get a friend with dementia into a care home. She has needed a lot of help over the last few years. She is Swedish but has lived here for decades but has no family here. Don't know if it's just my experiences but neither wanted to get outside care in, yet they both could afford it. It's been very difficult and I now have health conditions. I think it is the exhaustion. As a few have said maybe offer to take the daughter's number to call in and emergency but I'd stop at that. It's very easy to find yourself doing more and more. Best of luck. And don't let the bossy neighbour pull you into something that can end up being a huge commitment.

Maybe you should speak to their daughter again? And just tell her that the neighbourhood watch seem to have taken on all these roles- and that she needs to chat to her parents and tell her dad to either spend some money on help & care or she may have to arrange some sheltered housing for them.It might just tip the balance for him to do so,or to let social services carers in?She needs to lay it on the line for him,because his neighbours are all elderly etc as well, and communities,as a rule do not do all that anymore,like they did when he was a lad/young man.No doubt if one of this couple passed on then the daughter would have to arrange care home or sheltered housing for the one left behind,probably nearer to her.
Would they both not like to move closer to her at this time of life,while they are together?

I think maybe the bossy neighbour has organised all this help years ago,and adds new folk when they move in, so its still continuity of gauranteed care and she/he reassures the couple often,its ok we'll help etc,and cemented it in the husband of the couple's head- so he's convinced now that that's how it should be and how its going to continue.So he does'nt need 'outside help' coming in(carers etc) Bossy one might also be saying, "its ok, you dont need to pay out for the help,we will take care of it" etc etc.- I may be wrong, but if they are both of same mindset, i'd bet i am correct.But either way, its not your problem, you have done your time to help others. Listen out if you hear anything from other side of wall, then leave it at that.Have any of you got an emergency alarm etc? You all need one really,even in 60's-70's etc could have a medical emergency,especially with health problems.Get one if not..I'm 62,and not bedbound,but i collapsed last year with a major heart valve problem.I am lucky in that my son still lives at home,he called 999.But if not it could have been worse.You dont have to be 90 to need help.

You can't get too involved. Also, your bossy neighbour may be over stepping the mark and making assumptions. When my father was terminally ill he insisted on staying at home. Consequently we had carers 3 times a day, the district nurse once a day, shopping done online, the hospice nurse twice a week and me driving 400 mile round trips every other day to look after him and do housework etc. My brother dropped in every other day.
Despite all this activity I was still treated to a "quiet word" from a noisy neighbour who thought I should know that my father was unwell! The phone must have burned her ear off by the time I'd finished with her, it was the last thing I needed and just made a terribly tragic situation feel even worse - moral of the story - tread carefully, you may not know the half of it!

A good neighbour is one you don't know you've got till you need something.

Totally agree with Helterskelter. I had an 86 year old widowed neighbour,no family but close extended family. Another 3 neighbours and I in various ways checked in on her etcI used to bring her in food, help with tech etc. Could not get an answer at door,thought she was away on holiday. Turns out she has moved into sheltered housing! No one had courtesy to come and tell any of us! I was akey holder and emergency contact for Careline. Talk about a slap in the face!! Btw I'm 70 and happy to do my bit but...I totally agree with you,not your responsibilty and ignore your bossy neighbour's demands!