Would you feel hurt by this, or am I overreacting? Five year friendship but feeling taken for granted.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I’m glad I’ve given it some time and I’ve decided to just let things take their course, no dramatic exit from me. Time to get myself back out there and find some new friends.
I’m sorry for all those who’ve experienced hurt from friends, I think we can’t change who we are but maybe watch our backs a little more so we don’t get hurt again.

Distance yourself

Nannatuesday, I think that’s the right approach.

It’s been interesting reading the comments of my expectations of a friendship, I feel I don’t even know what’s right anymore! I think with the friends I’ve had for many years it’s just a case of being there for each other as and when it’s needed and having fun whenever we’ve been able to, I guess in this case, she wasn’t there for me when I needed a friend and yes it hurts but I think it says more about her than me. I’ll still be the friend that can be relied upon but maybe not so available for them

What a shame that you feel sidelined &’overlooked 🥲
It’s sad & I think that it is also something that happens all too often in friendships .
For myself I had a ‘ friendship for 30 plus years & we had seen each other through divorce & all of life’s ups & downs including bereavement & serious health issues.
We were confidantes bff 👯 & knew all there was to know about each other .

It’s sad to say that things changed , I couldn’t put my finger on it but they did & as much as I tried it was never the same . To this day we haven’t seen each other for two years . I still miss that camaraderie.
But the upshot for you is if you feel taken for granted I’d say it’s run its course, let her come to you & invite you along next time rather than you doing the inviting .

Macaydia-
Thank you very much for the compliment .
Believe me ,I found it hard to turn the other cheek .
I'll never tell my friend that I felt so ill and alone that I cried like a wounded animal .
She behaved horribly towards me -actually returning my Christnas gift as unsuitable.
I live very near her and either rowing with her or giving her the heave ho would be difficult and continually upsetting each time I saw her

Now she's all friendly again with me.

Both my parents said that they've gone through years of her moods and then have been surprised when she's suddenly thawed out with them .
I think that she does have some mental health issues and needs counselling .

To those who have said that I have only done things to get something in return, with respect, you have no idea what I’ve done for this family. I haven’t asked for something in return and my reason was just to help them which then became a friendship.

There is a difference between doing something to get back (ie that being your initial motive for the action) and feeling that because you have done something you are owed (ie a consequence of the action). I don’t think anyone has suggested the former, but as you brought up the latter it does appear to be affecting your judgement in this case. You may not have asked for anything in return, but you clearly expect it.

To me, that is separate from the fact that you and your friend have different views on sticking to arrangements. On that, I am firmly in your camp. I think you are justified in feeling hurt that you were let down like that - I would feel the same.

Where I can see another perspective however, is over the feeling annoyed because she has not repaid your kindness. Friends don’t keep score IMO, and I can understand her feeling a bit suffocated if she’s picked up on how you feel.

Imagreatauntie, it's a miserable feeling to be sidelined, it's happened to me in the past. You have obviously been very kind and supportive to this woman and her child, I'm sure she is very grateful, even if she doesn't show it very well.

To save yourself from further hurt, maybe take a step back, but keep the contact going because I'm sure the friendship is mutually beneficial. Just don't expect too much, she obviously doesn't show you the loyalty you deserve, but a casual friendship is still possible, I'm sure her daughter enjoys the relationship with you 💐.

Esmay

I understand how you feel.
It happens .
Some people are users .
And some compartmentalise their friends .

Just take a deep breath and step back .
That's what I'm doing -
Over the last few months I've come to realise that one of my friends is only interested in talking about herself non -stop

She only wants to go out with me to plant nurseries if her other gardening friend is unable to go .
I was seriously ill before Christnas and right through the holiday and I realised that she couldn't give a damn .
I now dread seeing her as I'm.airliy dismissed as if I'm a nuisance.
I look back on all the times that I listened to her endless problems - about two decades worth and bought her get well cards and gifts and feel utterly devastated.
She has new best frienditis .
It's horrible listening to her telling me what a marvellous time she's having with her .
Her siblings and friends have complained to me about her being bad tempered and never around.

It is very hard to distance yourself .
Take up a new activity and make new friends .
Good luck .

Excellent sharing and excellent post Esmay. Stay strong. You sound like a wonderful person.

Thanks all, some time is helping me put it into perspective and it doesn’t seem as hurtful but I was brought up to stand by what you’d said you’ll do even if you get a better offer.

I guess a friendship to me is with someone who has the same standards and maybe that’s the truth I have to deal with and either accept or walk away.

To those who have said that I have only done things to get something in return, with respect, you have no idea what I’ve done for this family. I haven’t asked for something in return and my reason was just to help them which then became a friendship.

If you make an arrangement with someone, be it a friend or not, IMO you should keep it unless something very very important makes it impossible.
The ‘friend’ in this case ruined a day that the OP was looking forward to, may even have made special preparations for.
Not nice.

I am sorry you have felt hurt by this. I do think, though, that people have too high expectations of friendship. I have had friends in the past (who have picked me, rather than the other way round) who have become what I consider demanding and some have become downright abusive! The best friends are those who are around for when the time is convenient for the both of you. My friend group now understands that my daughter and grandkids come first, but I am always invited in case the situation changes. Please don’t feel hurt by this; I don’t think she’d have wanted to upset you; she probably ddb’t realise how high in your priorities list she and her child were.

Agree withgrandmabetty

Your being very unreasonable. The fact she would rather not do something doesn't make her a bad person and the fact you expect her to do things in return for everything you've done makes you sound a tad entitled. She doesn't owe you her time.

Five years is hardly a lifelong friendship.
I’d chalk it down to experience , put her on the back burner and look elsewhere for friends and acquaintances.

Sometimes you just have to put yourself first and step away. I've had to do this recently. It isn't easy and I felt like a dreadful person for doing it, but now I've come to terms with it and feel happy and also relieved. Good luck.

I was taught to always honour a first arrangement even if something more appealing comes along later.
I think that this is the correct thing to do and still stick with that, however tempting the second request might be.

Yes she is about 15 years younger than me and my daughter is about 14 years younger than her and I know that she doesn’t treat people like that - think I’ve made her a people pleaser too but she respects her commitments and her friends.

Tonight I don’t feel angry, just sad, she hasn’t messaged and neither have I so I guess it’s down to me or it’s definitely over.

Silvershadow

Could the age difference be a big factor here? Not many young mums would pass up a day out with a similar aged friend for a day out with somebody much older. Perhaps she’s trying to build a bit of distance herself?

and this For what it's worth, I think people are quick to drop others these days. Mostly due to social media and I think Covid changed a lot.

I had a similar experience last year/beginning of this, OP, 15 years younger than me with a troubled past and mental health difficulties. I was wary but I've always been a helper and we liked the same things, especially appreciating art but in the end, she started ghosting me and I felt used. I think the way people relate, especially younger people, has changed hugely as sixandahalf says above.

Whilst I agree that friendship should be a two way street, I'm not sure that clocking up things one person has 'done for' the other is very helpful. A healthy relationship is always based on equality, and doing things together. I think that expecting gratitude for just being a friend is guaranteed to build resentment, as it's not always possible to be free to do what other people want.

Having said that, I would be disappointed if I'd looked forward to something and was let down at the last minute. I think it's bad manners (and very thoughtless) to pull out of things without good notice, and if people do that to me regularly I stop arranging things that matter with them. I think that the time to say no to an invitation is when you are asked, at which point it's absolutely fine to refuse for any reason at all. When you've agreed it becomes an obligation though, and should only be broken if there is no alternative.

I don't think there is much you can do about this friend. People are either like that or they aren't. I doubt you will change her if she's the sort who makes arrangements with a view to seeing how she feels on the day before deciding whether to honour them or not. I don't know that I would drop her entirely, but I would stop arranging to go anywhere with her if her dropping out would upset me. Stick to coffee or more casual arrangements and save the more important things for other friends.

SpinDriftCoastal
I'm full of sympathy for you .
It's good to move on .

The Autumn was a tremendous shock to me .I couldn't believe that this friend could be so callous after all the things that I've done for her.
I was nearly admitted to hospital and still may have to be admitted if my condition doesn't improve.
She was so vile over Christmas and New Year that it took my breath away.
Now I realise that she only does things which please or suit her.
At the moment, her new best friend is all she needs at the expense of her long - term faithful friends.
Eventually this friend will get tired of her negative traits-bossiness and occasional ,lies and dishonesty
I think that the final nail in the coffin will be her criticism of this friend's partner.

I continue to be polite to her ,but my trust is lost.

I've made new friends from different activities and feel happier.

Esmay

I understand how you feel.
It happens .
Some people are users .
And some compartmentalise their friends .

Just take a deep breath and step back .
That's what I'm doing -
Over the last few months I've come to realise that one of my friends is only interested in talking about herself non -stop

She only wants to go out with me to plant nurseries if her other gardening friend is unable to go .
I was seriously ill before Christnas and right through the holiday and I realised that she couldn't give a damn .
I now dread seeing her as I'm.airliy dismissed as if I'm a nuisance.
I look back on all the times that I listened to her endless problems - about two decades worth and bought her get well cards and gifts and feel utterly devastated.
She has new best frienditis .
It's horrible listening to her telling me what a marvellous time she's having with her .
Her siblings and friends have complained to me about her being bad tempered and never around.

It is very hard to distance yourself .
Take up a new activity and make new friends .
Good luck .

I am sorry to hear what you have been through, Esmay, too. When I went through a very difficult period in my life, not a single friend of even 50 years, supported me. I actually let all of them go and joined a couple of groups and have now found a nice group of people who all mix quite nicely. It makes such a difference to feel welcome and not judged, rejected, used, etc.

I understand how you feel.
It happens .
Some people are users .
And some compartmentalise their friends .

Just take a deep breath and step back .
That's what I'm doing -
Over the last few months I've come to realise that one of my friends is only interested in talking about herself non -stop

She only wants to go out with me to plant nurseries if her other gardening friend is unable to go .
I was seriously ill before Christnas and right through the holiday and I realised that she couldn't give a damn .
I now dread seeing her as I'm.airliy dismissed as if I'm a nuisance.
I look back on all the times that I listened to her endless problems - about two decades worth and bought her get well cards and gifts and feel utterly devastated.
She has new best frienditis .
It's horrible listening to her telling me what a marvellous time she's having with her .
Her siblings and friends have complained to me about her being bad tempered and never around.

It is very hard to distance yourself .
Take up a new activity and make new friends .
Good luck .

This is typical of behaviour I have seen from some younger people, and, indeed, flaky people from my own youth. Something else attracts them and they flit off. You were right to answer the way you do but I don't think as much honour is given to arrangements nowadays as they were in our day. I have heard of people booking a restaurant for their birthday and everyone flaking off on the night. You are much better searching for company at groups, hobbies, volunteering with people more of your kind. Also, set up your own daily interest menu. It can become quite absorbing and gives your life validation without having to mix with flaky people.

@allsorts I’m so sorry you’ve gone through that. This is a fairly recent friend in the scheme of things and although it will be a loss, I’d struggle much more if it was a friend of more years. Take care of yourself

You have told her how you feel, now step back. I have found myself side lined by friends made in the last ten years with different activities we enjoyed together, then as my mobility became a problem I was not involved any more, but I saw it happen with others, so knew it was inevitable. It did little for my confidence when I felt low anyway. Getting older to lose a friend of a lifetime is irreplaceable and seeing them unwell or looking after a partner who is.