Would you feel hurt by this, or am I overreacting? Five year friendship but feeling taken for granted.

Step back. Don't make a big thing of it but don't be available anymore. Her priorities are not yours. You don't have to stop being friendly but don't make any more arrangements involving her

The fact that she’s fallen out with other friends says it all. She’s unreliable so don’t expect much from the friendship.

I think you may have to stop back . She is at odds with other people- not a good sign !

Would you still like to keep in contact with the child? Is this something that the child would like? And the mother would be ok with? If so I would try and maintain that bit of the relationship but not perhaps not rely on the mother for anything. I would cool things off for a few weeks and see if she makes contact with you then perhaps see how it goes from there.

62Granny

Would you still like to keep in contact with the child? Is this something that the child would like? And the mother would be ok with? If so I would try and maintain that bit of the relationship but not perhaps not rely on the mother for anything. I would cool things off for a few weeks and see if she makes contact with you then perhaps see how it goes from there.

Good advice👍🏻

I'm trying to get a picture of the situation here. You say you were "living away from home"
Is this still the case?

For what it's worth, I think people are quick to drop others these days. Mostly due to social media and I think Covid changed a lot.

To answer a few questions:
Yes we both still live overseas
I wouldn’t be able to have contact with the child without her mother, she’s still only young
I was angry and replied to her message to say it’s clear I wasn’t a priority so I think it’s unlikely she will contact me, it would always be me to make the first move I think
I feel sad but also still a bit angry, all my other friends have told me in the past that I’m being used and I’ve just kept doing it
I don’t fall out with people easily and would really rather not but I don’t want to feel hurt and used again either

Could the age difference be a big factor here? Not many young mums would pass up a day out with a similar aged friend for a day out with somebody much older. Perhaps she’s trying to build a bit of distance herself?

@silvershadow you could be right but in that case don’t agree and then dump me for a better offer on the day. If that is what she wanted then she’s probably got her wish sadly

You have told her how you feel, now step back. I have found myself side lined by friends made in the last ten years with different activities we enjoyed together, then as my mobility became a problem I was not involved any more, but I saw it happen with others, so knew it was inevitable. It did little for my confidence when I felt low anyway. Getting older to lose a friend of a lifetime is irreplaceable and seeing them unwell or looking after a partner who is.

@allsorts I’m so sorry you’ve gone through that. This is a fairly recent friend in the scheme of things and although it will be a loss, I’d struggle much more if it was a friend of more years. Take care of yourself

This is typical of behaviour I have seen from some younger people, and, indeed, flaky people from my own youth. Something else attracts them and they flit off. You were right to answer the way you do but I don't think as much honour is given to arrangements nowadays as they were in our day. I have heard of people booking a restaurant for their birthday and everyone flaking off on the night. You are much better searching for company at groups, hobbies, volunteering with people more of your kind. Also, set up your own daily interest menu. It can become quite absorbing and gives your life validation without having to mix with flaky people.

I understand how you feel.
It happens .
Some people are users .
And some compartmentalise their friends .

Just take a deep breath and step back .
That's what I'm doing -
Over the last few months I've come to realise that one of my friends is only interested in talking about herself non -stop

She only wants to go out with me to plant nurseries if her other gardening friend is unable to go .
I was seriously ill before Christnas and right through the holiday and I realised that she couldn't give a damn .
I now dread seeing her as I'm.airliy dismissed as if I'm a nuisance.
I look back on all the times that I listened to her endless problems - about two decades worth and bought her get well cards and gifts and feel utterly devastated.
She has new best frienditis .
It's horrible listening to her telling me what a marvellous time she's having with her .
Her siblings and friends have complained to me about her being bad tempered and never around.

It is very hard to distance yourself .
Take up a new activity and make new friends .
Good luck .

Esmay

I understand how you feel.
It happens .
Some people are users .
And some compartmentalise their friends .

Just take a deep breath and step back .
That's what I'm doing -
Over the last few months I've come to realise that one of my friends is only interested in talking about herself non -stop

She only wants to go out with me to plant nurseries if her other gardening friend is unable to go .
I was seriously ill before Christnas and right through the holiday and I realised that she couldn't give a damn .
I now dread seeing her as I'm.airliy dismissed as if I'm a nuisance.
I look back on all the times that I listened to her endless problems - about two decades worth and bought her get well cards and gifts and feel utterly devastated.
She has new best frienditis .
It's horrible listening to her telling me what a marvellous time she's having with her .
Her siblings and friends have complained to me about her being bad tempered and never around.

It is very hard to distance yourself .
Take up a new activity and make new friends .
Good luck .

I am sorry to hear what you have been through, Esmay, too. When I went through a very difficult period in my life, not a single friend of even 50 years, supported me. I actually let all of them go and joined a couple of groups and have now found a nice group of people who all mix quite nicely. It makes such a difference to feel welcome and not judged, rejected, used, etc.

SpinDriftCoastal
I'm full of sympathy for you .
It's good to move on .

The Autumn was a tremendous shock to me .I couldn't believe that this friend could be so callous after all the things that I've done for her.
I was nearly admitted to hospital and still may have to be admitted if my condition doesn't improve.
She was so vile over Christmas and New Year that it took my breath away.
Now I realise that she only does things which please or suit her.
At the moment, her new best friend is all she needs at the expense of her long - term faithful friends.
Eventually this friend will get tired of her negative traits-bossiness and occasional ,lies and dishonesty
I think that the final nail in the coffin will be her criticism of this friend's partner.

I continue to be polite to her ,but my trust is lost.

I've made new friends from different activities and feel happier.

Whilst I agree that friendship should be a two way street, I'm not sure that clocking up things one person has 'done for' the other is very helpful. A healthy relationship is always based on equality, and doing things together. I think that expecting gratitude for just being a friend is guaranteed to build resentment, as it's not always possible to be free to do what other people want.

Having said that, I would be disappointed if I'd looked forward to something and was let down at the last minute. I think it's bad manners (and very thoughtless) to pull out of things without good notice, and if people do that to me regularly I stop arranging things that matter with them. I think that the time to say no to an invitation is when you are asked, at which point it's absolutely fine to refuse for any reason at all. When you've agreed it becomes an obligation though, and should only be broken if there is no alternative.

I don't think there is much you can do about this friend. People are either like that or they aren't. I doubt you will change her if she's the sort who makes arrangements with a view to seeing how she feels on the day before deciding whether to honour them or not. I don't know that I would drop her entirely, but I would stop arranging to go anywhere with her if her dropping out would upset me. Stick to coffee or more casual arrangements and save the more important things for other friends.

Silvershadow

Could the age difference be a big factor here? Not many young mums would pass up a day out with a similar aged friend for a day out with somebody much older. Perhaps she’s trying to build a bit of distance herself?

and this For what it's worth, I think people are quick to drop others these days. Mostly due to social media and I think Covid changed a lot.

I had a similar experience last year/beginning of this, OP, 15 years younger than me with a troubled past and mental health difficulties. I was wary but I've always been a helper and we liked the same things, especially appreciating art but in the end, she started ghosting me and I felt used. I think the way people relate, especially younger people, has changed hugely as sixandahalf says above.

Yes she is about 15 years younger than me and my daughter is about 14 years younger than her and I know that she doesn’t treat people like that - think I’ve made her a people pleaser too but she respects her commitments and her friends.

Tonight I don’t feel angry, just sad, she hasn’t messaged and neither have I so I guess it’s down to me or it’s definitely over.

I was taught to always honour a first arrangement even if something more appealing comes along later.
I think that this is the correct thing to do and still stick with that, however tempting the second request might be.

Sometimes you just have to put yourself first and step away. I've had to do this recently. It isn't easy and I felt like a dreadful person for doing it, but now I've come to terms with it and feel happy and also relieved. Good luck.

Five years is hardly a lifelong friendship.
I’d chalk it down to experience , put her on the back burner and look elsewhere for friends and acquaintances.

Your being very unreasonable. The fact she would rather not do something doesn't make her a bad person and the fact you expect her to do things in return for everything you've done makes you sound a tad entitled. She doesn't owe you her time.

Agree withgrandmabetty

I am sorry you have felt hurt by this. I do think, though, that people have too high expectations of friendship. I have had friends in the past (who have picked me, rather than the other way round) who have become what I consider demanding and some have become downright abusive! The best friends are those who are around for when the time is convenient for the both of you. My friend group now understands that my daughter and grandkids come first, but I am always invited in case the situation changes. Please don’t feel hurt by this; I don’t think she’d have wanted to upset you; she probably ddb’t realise how high in your priorities list she and her child were.