Did you give your spouse a chance to correct before you file for divorce?

All Grandmas are welcome.
I'd be inclined to leave the marriage.
It sounds like an impossible situation.
Wishing you luck.

Point out that at this rate you'll all be homeless and penniless so it stops now or you divorce him. Your MIL sound mentally ill and needs help but she's not your responsibility.

I had to divorce in a co-ercive situation that involved severe MH.
You have to make decisions to survive. Divorce.

We have Posters from all over the world, and so you are welcome.
A marriage is between two people. His first loyalty should be to you.
In this circumstance, do the best thing for you.
Good luck.

You are not responsible for his Mother. Sorry to say this, but he is not going to change. To protect what you have left financially divorce is the way to go.
I think the MIL may have mental health, but this is not your responsibility.

Don't allow him to make you homeless to pay his mother's debts. It has gone too far. Divorce him before he does you more harm. Good luck.

Here in the UK you don't have to divorce if you want finanical separation from your partner.

In my situation we had a legal finanical settlement to begin with in which my husband had to move out of the family home.

He took it to the wire and took the whole alloted six months before he left.

He then divorced me ten years later.

Financial infidelity can ruin your life. In my eyes it’s as bad a betrayal as romantic infidelity.

God-forbid something happens to your husband, that debt is yours for the rest of your life in the US.

If I were you, I’d legally divorce even if I wanted to work on the relationship itself. At 41, you still have time to salvage your future by getting away from his debt.

You sound as if you are influenced by some sort of traditional family ethics that make you consider your mother in law 's welfare.

If you were a rich enough woman this would be a good thing to do. But you are not rich and likely to be really poor if you stick with your husband and his family.

America is not Mendeland, and you need to get divorced from your husband. See a solicitor with a view to divorce.

I am sorry you are in this mess.
I would tell him you want a divorce so you can have a home.
If you still love him (inspite of the money and mother problem) you can still see each other and be "married" other than legally.

I think you need a home and sadly this is your best way to secure it.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for the advice.

I want to give background so a clearer picture can be see.

His mom is actually very sick in the last 4 years, that in and out of hospital alot, and specialists and treatments.
She also need to be in medical facility and have nurses 24/7 care for her around the clock, and that cost money too.

This will be an ongoing thing until the day she die, insert how many more years she will live to from her treatments.

Even with insurance, there are Out of Pocket cost, and any Out of Network specialists you pay in full. Everytime she in the hospital is alot of medical bills.
And have her in medical facility with nurses care for her around the clock, it cost money too.

He cosign for ALL her treatments, and pay for her medical facility as well as nurses care for her. As well as everytime she in the hospital is he cosign the financial responsible party. The bills go to him for payments.

I cannot stress how expensive medical cost here in U.S (this might be different from UK). Everyday in the hosptal is money and money.

She was in the hospital from Dec 31st to Jan 23rd, that is 24 days stay in the hospital. We are ready for bills come to us. It just stressful.

As for sale the house it was my idea, I told him sale the house and use the house money to pay for his mom medical debt, and all her care. Because I know we will NOT have enough to continue this long term. But at least it last for some time.

It been 4 YEARS already, and WILL be ongoing treatments until the day she die.

I do not blame him for his remaining life pay for her treatments or medical bills. But I really don't want to be pull in this for the rest of my life.

I feel that it his responsibility for her, not me, she is not my biological mother. I already done my part of offer him sale the house and use all the money for her.

I do not feel that I owe him anything.

I feel that if he wants to continue the rest of his life like this, then be single. I did not sign up to financially support her medical treatments for the rest of my life.

What would happen to her if he didn't co-sign?

2 problems here.

The medical facility that his mom in which has a team nurses care for her around the clock, that LUXURY her insurance does NOT cover. He pay it in FULL for her for the last 4 years.

The other problem,
Her ongoing prolong treatments is very expensive, they want a cosign, because they know insurance cannot pay it in full. There always Out of Pocket cost, and she has specialist that not in the network, which you be fully responsible.

What will happen to her? I guess they will go on with the treatments, but debt collector will harass her and keep harass her until they get the money, as hospital has no problem with turn medical bills to debt collection once his mom default. And his mom always default.

And he will not let debt collector harass his mom, he will pay it for her.

I compromise with him for 4 years, it now has getting to the point I told him sale the house to get the money for his mom. Because we will have hospital bills coming to us for her Dec 31st to Jan 23rd hospital stay, that 24 days in the hospital.

I don't know what else to do. I just do not want to go broke because of his mother, she not my biological mother. Sorry if that sound selfish.

But it his responsibility for care for his sick mom. Not mine.

This would not happen in the UK. I have no more to offer, sorry for your situation.

While it’s unfortunate his mum is unwell, it doesn’t change my opinion that you would be wise to separate financially through legal divorce.

What kind of facility is she in? If she’s in an acute care hospital, he would be wise to not prioritize those bills over more pressing, day to day bills. Hospital bills in the US do not rank as highly as other types of debt on your credit report. They also get reduced over time through various means, particularly with the bigger systems. It’s never ideal to delay paying bills but in times of desperation it’s good to know your options and the financial impact of each one.

If she is in a long term care facility or a SNF, you could be in huge financial trouble. Most long term care facilities in the US require significant collateral. It’s very common for people to use their homes for this. If he used your house as collateral for the facility, you should be aware. I know you spoke of selling the house but the facility may already be entitled to it in the event of failure to pay her bills.

You need full visibility into the financial arrangements with the facility and to speak to an attorney. It’s unlikely that someone who so blatantly disregards his spouse would then turn around and be 100% transparent on what is really going on. Please seek professional advice!

Does she have a house that could pay the debts?
I assume she would still get care just not so luxurious?

Mende, I think some of the Grans have advised you to see a solicitor. I just want to say that in the US, solicitors are called lawyers, or attorneys.

@BlessedArt

Because it is LONG TERM care continuous cost until the day his mother die (insert how many more years he has left), insurance does not pay for that luxury, my husband pay Out of Pocket for his Private Nursing home with private room and doctor on site and a team of nurses care for her around the clock. My husband currently pays $162,000 a year from his mom.

Here is what it say just from a quick search AI say:

In Los Angeles, private nursing home rooms for elderly care cost approximately $13,262 to $13,660 per month as of 2023-2024, offering 24/7 medical supervision.
For a private setting with in-home nurses, 24/7 care can exceed $27,000 per month ($40/hour).
Assisted living with private rooms averages roughly $5,700-$6,500+ per month, depending on care needs.

Key Cost Breakdown for Private Care in Los Angeles (2024-2025 Data)

• Nursing Home (Private Room): ~$13,262-$13,660/month, providing 24/7 skilled nursing.

• In-Home Care (24/7): ~$27,030/month (based on $40/hour average for 168 hours/week).
·
Assisted Living (Private Room): ~$5,748-$6,632/month, usually for non-skilled, daily assistance.

Board and Care Homes: Smaller, residential settings often cost $2,500-$5,000+ per month for private rooms

I'm not sure why you are asking us in the UK, wouldnt a US forum be better equipped to understand the legal side?

All we can say here is, its quite clear you have only one life to lead and your husband and yourself are clearly neither happy nor working together on the issues involved, he's not acting to protect his own wife financially.

But there must be US charities who will give effective advice like we have over here, like Age UK? There are several US organisations if you google, I suggest you seek US advice.

I do not think anywhere in my post I ask for Legal advice. I thought my OP I asked the question, do you give your spouse a chance before file for divorce, and I explain my reason why.

That replied was to Mrs. BlessedArt to answer her question if it short term care or long term care facilities.

But the cost of facilities has nothing to do with

"do you give your spouse another chance to file for divorce"

@Wyllow3

I answer this question: [[ If she is in a long term care facility or a SNF, you could be in huge financial trouble. Most long term care facilities in the US require significant collateral. ]]

The cost of facilities has alot to do with it, because we don't have enough money that we has to sale our martial home to funded his mom ONGOING medical expense until the day she die (insert how many years she lives till).

Mende

I do not think anywhere in my post I ask for Legal advice. I thought my OP I asked the question, do you give your spouse a chance before file for divorce, and I explain my reason why.

That replied was to Mrs. BlessedArt to answer her question if it short term care or long term care facilities.

Yes give him a chance to change his mind

Dont expect a contested divorce to give a quick solution

Do you mean “DID you etc…before you FILED for divorce”
Or DO you etc… before you FILE for divorce”
You question OP is unclear and your circumstances so unique to you and indeed untypical of life in the UK I would be surprised to find a comparable experience.
But given that I have never filed for divorce, I can’t really say whether I would have given him another chance.
It would depend on the circumstances.

However people have gone out of their way to be helpful so I find it ungracious of you to be so snippy when you say
I do not think anywhere in my post I ask for Legal advice. I thought my OP I asked the question, do you give your spouse a chance before file for divorce, and I explain my reason why.