My youngest, C (22 years old) started seeing his current partner, A (24 years old) three years ago. I will be honest, I was, at first, not thrilled with the relationship. First, I was a bit jarred by the age difference. C was born in 2004 whereas A was born in 2001. I worried she might have an upper hand in the relationship, and her experience with life could place him in a subservient role, even though I've raised him to be an independent, assertive young man. Second, I am Korean, and I always imagined my sons would end up with smart and cultured Korean women. I would ask him from time to time if he had met any cute Korean girls at university, and every time I would get the same response: "No mom, I have a girlfriend and she is white just like your husband is white." I did not think that was very respectful, but I let it go.
We had a lot of arguments over the years due to some unfortunate statements I made as I suspected the relationship was not serious... I may have suggested once or twice that it might be good for him to “keep his options open” since they were still so young. At one point C stopped speaking to me for a bit when I tried to explain that cultural compatibility matters and that Asian women are often better mothers, partners, lovers, etc. In my experience, that is the truth. Still I apologized if I offended A, as this was not my intent. However, my son and DIL have not been able to let these "rocky beginnings" go, unfortunately.
They eloped in early 2025. It was literally just C, A and their dog. I tried not to take this decision personally. That said, it is hard to come to terms with the fact that my own son did not want me to share this beautiful moment with them... I had to do some reflecting, especially in regards to what kind of mother (and mother-in-law) I had been over the last few years. So I have tried very hard to make things right since she got pregnant. I bought gifts, brought over homemade meals, sent articles about baby care, and apologized, time and again, if I had offended her in the past. I explained myself and even offered some reflections on cultural differences, tips for how to make different worldviews work within a marriage. My husband is white, so I have had plenty of my own experiences. Nothing worked... none of my affection or generosity is ever returned. It's like talking to a wall. But apparently I am the problem?
Fast forward to March - A had their son. H and I were not allowed to be present during the birth or even visit afterward because she "didn't feel right". I understood and respected that at face value, though I heard (from mutual acquaintances) that her parents were there the entire time. I didn't want to assume the worst... In the meantime tried to be thoughtful, bought lavish gifts for both the new mother and the boy, offered homemade meals. He said they appreciated my effort but she still "wasn't feeling OK yet", so I was not allowed to see the baby. I saw my grandson for the first time last week. I felt this had gone on long enough and took initiative, took time off work, and let C know I would be coming by. I don’t think a grandmother should have to beg for permission to meet her grandson. Since this visit, however, C and A have been ignoring my messages and calls, not a clue as to what is going on on their side, as my visit was pleasant and everyone seemed content. A was looking radiant if a bit tired, and the baby was peaceful and calm when I held him. (He's a gorgeous, healthy baby boy.)
Have I gone wrong, people? At this point, I am at a loss. H is at a loss, as well.
I have reflected, apologized, made efforts, been generous, and shown nothing but love. Meanwhile, A continues to keep me at arm’s length while allowing her own family full access. And my own son seems happy to do the same.
How can I get through to A and win her over so that I am allowed to care for my grandson and share special moments with him just like her mother does? Have any of you gone through anything like this?
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Terrible relationship with DIL - am I the problem?
(9 Posts)Well, where to begin??
You've done your best to make amends but rhe enormity of your initial bigotry has really, really hurt them and will take a while for them to forgive or trust you again.
Are you really sorry?
And yes, you are very much the problem.
You have no rights as a grandmother, even less so due to your previous behaviour!
What is your husband's role here?
Does he communicate with them?
It’s often the case that daughters want their parents involved when there’s a new baby. But you must learn to back off and respect their privacy. I appreciate that it’s your grandson and you will have plenty of time to bond with him but stop with the intrusion into their lives. They really don’t need you sending baby tips to them. Be the better and bigger person, show compassion for this important stage in their lives.
For a start, it’s certainly not usual (or for most women desirable!) to have any in laws present at the birth! IMO it was unreasonable to expect such a thing.
From what you say it’s clear that you were prejudiced against the DiL from the start, so TBH it’s no wonder that she’s sensed that and resents it.
I have known of two families where the DiL was clearly determined to hate the perfectly nice ILs from the start, so I am far from always blaming the MiL, but it does sound rather as if you’ve brought it on yourself.
IMO only time, and sustained effort on your part, will repair the damage, and TBH I don’t suppose she’ll ever be able to feel properly warm towards you.
My son's girlfriend is Asian and we're white British.
They are well matched.
Her parents are taking time to warm to our son so we see more of them and I am becoming close to his girlfriend.
All that I want is for my son to be happy.
Acceptance without judgement is key.
Some things I have picked up here:
'I always imagined my sons would end up with smart and cultured Korean women' yes, you imagined it, but imagining things doesn't make them happen- also the subtle inference here is that only Korean women are smart and cultured- which is rather offensive in itself.
'Asian women are often better mothers, partners, lovers etc...that is the truth.' If you can't see how offensive that is to women who aren't Asian then you have a real problem.
'I bought gifts, brought over homemade meals, sent articles about baby care...etc' This is just tactless and misplaced kindness of your part. You apologised but I sense DIL maybe didn't feel your apologies were genuine.
'I bought lavish gifts...' to me that says you expected admiration for these lavish but probably unnecessary gifts.
'I have shown nothing but love...' well that contradicts the lavish gifts statement because true love isn't found in the gifts but in the attitiude.
'How can I get through to A and win her over?' You can't. I think she has sussed you out.
Yes, I have gone through this and now see how destructive my behaviours were. It is a hard lesson to learn.
CelloPlayer, you have two threads with this story. I suggest you ask the moderators to merge them or close one.
Crikey. I started reading, and reading and thought this should be on the AIBU forum. The lack of insight and bigotry was just so evident all the way through.
Not to be harsh but you did ask the overt question- what have I done wrong- so here is my list for what its worth:
1) You can not imagine or expect your son to end up with a 'smart Korean woman- just why?
2) Your son was not disrespectful when you voiced your opinion to him by responding "No mom, I have a girlfriend and she is white just like your husband is white."- he was merely stating facts and holding his ground in the face of your bias
3) 2 years is not much of an age difference
4) You don't need to be 'thrilled' with your son's choice of partner- if you ever are that's a bonus
5) Either your son or his partner at any time might or might not gain an upper hand in their relationship- power balance changes form time to time- its there business if they are happy and together- give them time and space to grow and learn and don't be so biased and judgemental
6) why should the man have the "upper hand" anyway?
7) Your son will end up with a partner of his choosing
8) stop making "unfortunate" ( rude and disrespectful ) statements to your son that his relationship with his partner might not be "serious
9) Do not tell your son to "keep his options open" when he is in a relationship
10) "Why repetitively offend your son's partner and keep apologising. Learn what offends her and stop doing it.
11) it was offensive to tell A (not Korean) that Korean women make better mothers and lovers- wholly indefensible. It is not for your son and A to let that go as your "rocky beginning" but for you to put right and change your offensive ways.
12) You say "It's like talking to a wall. But apparently I am the problem?" If your disrespect and offensive comments continue- yes you are the problem. After past actions and words you have a steep hill to climb....
13) Just stop giving "tips" how to make their relationship work- that is for them to work out. A is not you- their relationship is not the same as the relationship you have with your husband.
14) Congratulations on becoming a Grandma. Surely you must be aware it's not usual for mother in laws to be present at the birth- let your negativity about "not allowed to be present" go.
15) its not surprising that given your offensive words towards A that she preferred to have her own parents visit earlier after the birth and more often. It most likely is that she finds her parents supportive and loving. Your son may feel that too. You clearly still have a steep hill to climb....
16) your son told you A wasn't well enough to receive your visit- but you took it upon yourself to ignore your son and A's wishes and visit anyway- again disrespectful and you made things worse
17) Im not entirely surprised your son and A have been ignoring your messages and calls- does this tell you that they are upset? Apparently not it seemingly makes you feel they are doing something wrong- and that is the ongoing problem- you appear to only be able to see things from your own perspective
You may have apologised, bought presents and gifts but thats not enough to make a relationship work and is meaningless if bigotry and offensive behaviour continues. Your son has on occasion acknowledged your efforts. But it sounds as though they are both just exhausted by your ongoing lack of insight and ongoing lack of respect for their boundaries. Their family and their baby are the most important things in their lives- not you and your skewed expectations.
Reflect more. Ask how you can put things right. Ask what changes they would like to see so you can be more welcomed into their family and their life with their son. Ask and try to understand their boundaries. A's mother seems to be getting things more right- ask what you can change to get it more right for your son and A to forgive you.
You will always have to accept that A is closer to her mother than she will ever be to you- even if and when you manage to make the necessary changes to get your relationship back on track with your son and A.
Sorry- it is rightly on the AIBU thread- answer yes.
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