Coming to terms with an absent son

My daughter said she thought of me, and appreciated me, far more once she had children of her own. Maybe, as sons aren't usually the main carer, they never get to feel the same way. I think they like to know we are there in the backs of their mind, a bit like a warm comfortable savings account. A purely selfish potential need. I'm not being rude about them, just practical and hopefully objective, in that knowing that we are there is what enables them to carry on in what is a hard world.

Thankyou Kiora I shall print it out and read it often... it still hurts but now I can choose when to take my sadness out of the box I put it in and wallow for a few minutes instead of it taking over day after day.

My girls are so happy to chat and text and message me even though they both live closeby but my son its like trying to get blood out of a stone having a conversation with him, he rarely answers text unless they are a direct question so I stopped doing that and he only messages me when he wants something its one of life's puzzles.

Having two grown up children who live a couple of hours away, with their partners and our grandchildren, although not overseas, there have often been times when I wished they were closer. But then I've thought about it and realised that, actually, the best that we can hope for our children is that they grow up into confident rounded human beings who can find their own paths in life and be happy and healthy. That they choose to do this a distance away from us just shows that we did the right things for them. They are equipped for what life brings them and weve brought them up and nurtured them so that they are able to cope wiith life and all its ups and downs.

it doesn'tnecessarily make it easier for us, as mothers, but that is what nature is all about. A mother raises her young, and then lets them fly. And they do have to fly because it would be wrong of us to stifle them by trying to hold on.

I miss my son in advance. It sounds daft - he has just gone up to bed, he is at home while he recovers from a torn tendon from going skiing but in three weeks he will have to return to university. He only left home at the end of October, but after only a couple of months he told me that he now thinks of his new city as 'Home'. I felt so sad, but hid it. Of course, life is exciting and full of possibilities. I want him to do well. But I have been in mourning for his childhood for over a year now, anticipating the end of his school years and his needing me so much. I am no longer the centre of his universe and never will be again. I miss my daughter too, but he is the youngest, the last to go and we are/were on the same wavelength.

That poem is very helpful, as was the previous one about the boy wandering off back to his prep school after a match. We love them therefore we have to let them go. We don't want them ending up like Timothy, played by Ronnie Corbett, after all!

Or do we?

As for communication - when he was off skiing, not one text or call or fb post. Nothing until his final day when DBH received a text saying 'I'm only a little bit broken'. It doesn't bode well.

Actually that does help, Kiora. Thankyou.

thank you tanith, that meant alot

Kiora your pain bounces off the page and I am sorry that you have this pain and hope that in time it will ease.

Its really good that you also have another son with lots of children so close

Tannith. All the advice now matter how good or well meant stops it hurting. I was given this by a friend when my son left the U.K
YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN
THEY ARE LIFE'S LONGING FOR ITSELF
THEY COME THROUGH YOU BUT NOT FROM YOU
THOUGH THEY ARE WITH YOU THEY BELONG NOT TO YOU.
YOU MAY GIVE THEM YOUR LOVE BUT NOT YOUR THOUGHTS
FOR THEY HAVE THEIR OWN THOUGHTS
YOU MAY HOUSE THEIR BODIES BUT NOT THEIR SOULS
FOR THEIR SOULS DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF TOMORROW
WHICE YOU CANNOT VISIT
NOT EVEN IN YOUR DREAMS.

YOU MAY STRIVE TO BE LIKE THEM,BUT SEEK NOT TO MAKE THEM LIKE YOU

LIFE GOES NOT BACKWARDS NOR TARRIES WITH YESTERDAY.

YOU ARE THE BOW FROM WHICE YOUR CHILDREN AS LIVING ARROWS ARE SENT FORTH.

THE ARCHER SEES THE MARK UPON THE PATH OF THE INFINITE AND HE BENDS YOU WITH HIS MIGHT THAT THE ARROW MAY GO SWIFT AND FAR
LET YOUR BENDING IN THE ARCHES HAND BE FOR GLADNESS
FOR AS HE LOVES THE ARROW THAT FLIES, SO HE LOVES THE BOW THAT IS STABLE.

In the beginning It didn't help at all but I persisted and read it every day. I still read it. Not because it comforts me. It doesn't but what I think it does is help me accept the inevitable. My other son and his 4 children live on my doorstep and I see them once a week.i have a job, a life, friends, I don't even want him to come home, but I miss him. A lot. He has no idea that I sometimes have this scorching pain and he never will. I smile and chatter when he face times me. But he's gone, flown the nest he will never ever come back apart from short visits. It's hard isn't it.

What a shame Eliza I hope your son realises what his child will be missing out on and heals the rift with you....

thank you

A very sad situation Eliza. I hope it improves for you.

Hello tanith I can relate a little to what has happened to you and it is a big thing.

My son lives close by but has decided to cut me off due to something that has happened recently --I swapped homes with him then could not live in his flat and needed to swap back, he was none to pleased and his last words to me were if you take your house back it will mean that you will have nothing to do with me and your soon to be born grand daughter.

I have had to realise that I am not going to have anything more to do with my son and not get to see my grandaughter, but you know what, its his choice and if that's how he wants it then that's it.

I hope you are now feeling better with it all since you last posted, but please do not think you are fussing over nothing, because I think we can all relate to your situation.

Best wishes

It was good to read this thread, because it shows how time can change and improve things! How lovely that your son is happy and settled, and that you are feeling so much better! Of course, the deep sadness won't go away, but you're learning to live with it. Well done you!

tanith I'm glad to hear that you are planning another visit to see your son and his lovely family. Of course you must miss them but it must make your heart glad to know how happy and contented they are.

Have a wonderful time and we shall all look forward to pictures of your gorgeous Louis

tanith what a lovely up-date so nice to hear baby is doing so well and you are off on your travels again soon for "nana cuddles" x

Its fine rockgran, it did me good to go back and read this thread to see different things are now... thanks for the good wishes the same back to you lol

Oops, didn't read the date just saw it was active. Still, glad to know all is now well.

I was surprised to see this thread revived but thought I would just update it.. thanks Rockgran for your contribution..

We are two years down the line now and although its not so raw I am still holding on to the sadness... my son and his partner now have an 8mth old beautiful son Louis and are very happy, she is a lovely girl a perfect mother and I was happy to go out and visit with them and her lovely family in October... it did my heart good to see my son so happy and enjoying his life. I am flying out again in February for a few days and although the rest of the family have still to meet little Louis his Mum keeps us updated with pictures of him on Facebook regularly..

So all is well and I don't feel sad all the time anymore..

When I read your post I was just thinking the same thing about my son. He is working abroad for a couple of years but I know when they return to the UK they will not be living near us and I too feel I have "lost" him and my grandsons. They used to live very locally and I know we will never have that closeness again. I am very happy for them as they are enjoying a real adventure but as a mum I still feel a bit blue sometimes. Communications are limited by their internet access so we cannot FaceTime as often as I'd like. (They only received most of their Christmas cards last week so writing is a bit hit and miss too.). I'm not complaining as I have a full life and I know they are fine - but I do understand your feelings of loss and sadness. Xxx

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There is a huge advantage in having a son who trained as a chef and another whose recreation is cooking and baking. No room for mum in the kitchen.

Mines the only one that is big enough!
The last time we did it. I got so stressed out I swore never again. I spent days cooking and worried so much I was too ill to eat. Also with all the preparation I flared up my arthritis which then took a month to settle again.
My DDs partner have a large family and they all want to see DGD. This means them having to travel to visit his relatives and therefore it takes the strain off them.
On the other side I quite enjoy a couple of weeks in a milder climate with no tribunals and being waited on!
The big drawback is the amount of weight I gain!

My heart bleeds, jeni. I go to mine at Christmas - my house is too small to entertain the whole lot of them. Strategy!

So that my children don't feel obliged to visit or have me at Xmas, I make the ultimate sacrifice and take myself off on a luxury cruise. Aren't I self sacrificing?

Should have said he has backed off from all of us. He is not much better with me I just keep persisting.