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Hitting a child. Can anyone here defend it?

(66 Posts)
isthisallthereis Fri 26-Oct-12 08:50:40

Can anyone here defend hitting a child? In anger or cold-bloodedly as punishment (the second is worse I feel, but I loathe the idea of both). Calling it spanking doesn't make it any better. In Sweden, they regard us as barbaric for it.

Maniac Wed 19-Dec-12 17:31:38

when DS was in a strop (age 5) MIL threw water over him.My DH was furious with her...thought it was humiliating...She used to say'never hit a child in anger'
I feel smacking cold bloodedly with forethought is much worse.

DD1 has often embarrassed me by saying that I kicked her downstairs.Iwas carrying baby and both DDs were sitting on stairs and wouldn't move so I gently pushed her with my toe ....no harm done ..what a horrible mummy!

Mishap Wed 19-Dec-12 16:18:09

I can remember my parents standing between the two beds in which my brother and I slept and arguing over which one of us was at fault and should be smacked! - prolonged the agony a bit!!

petra Wed 19-Dec-12 15:56:53

Don't get me started on Nuns. I have an old friend who still has the scars on her back; put there by a Nun.

merlotgran Sat 08-Dec-12 10:54:55

There's a similar post on the 'What were you like at school' thread.

Nelliemoser Sat 08-Dec-12 10:52:31

Merlot Its the username that does it! Watch out Billygoats.

CHEELU Sat 08-Dec-12 10:51:42

What does it solve hitting a child--absolutely nothing--What does it show hitting a child--it shows that its ok to use violence /your hands to solve a problem-- If you wish to discipline a child in the correct manner the best way is to have consequences for their actions Eg if you do that this will happen and the consequences will obviously vary, according to age group. I have worked with children for more than 15 years and they need and thrive on boundaries and consequences but what I have learn is that parents that hit their children often end up with aggressive un controllable children that think its ok to vent their frustrations in a violent manner. I think that if a parent resorts to smacking their child they themselves have lost control of the situation.

janeainsworth Sat 08-Dec-12 10:45:37

I was that mother once Barrow - only once, but I am still ashamed.
You must have been a great support to her.

merlotgran Sat 08-Dec-12 10:42:39

I think abcde12345 is up to mischief.

Barrow Sat 08-Dec-12 10:37:57

When DH and I were first married we converted our first house into two flats. We lived downstairs and a couple with a small child lived upstairs.

One day I could hear the mother shouting at the child which was obviously misbehaving, when everything went quiet. Next thing the mother was knocking on my door - she said in temper she had thrown the child onto the bed and frightened both of them. I brought her in, sat her down with a cup of tea and proceeded to play with the child and distract him until she had calmed down. It opened my eyes to what a tough job bringing up children can be!

abcde12345 Sat 08-Dec-12 10:23:21

If a boy and girl are caught smoking or similar.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM GIVEN 6 STROKES OF THE CANE PUNISHMENT EACH???????????????????????

hummingbird Sat 27-Oct-12 22:01:13

I, too, to my shame, used to give my two an occasional slap - very occasional, and under provocation - but still... The idea of laying a finger on anyone is an anathema to me - so how could I have slapped my own, darling children??? It's hard to understand now, but of course, it was very much the norm then. I have asked my children about it - they really can't recall any such incidents, but the thought of it still makes me cringe. And if anyone were to touch my grandchildren.... blush

Mishap Sat 27-Oct-12 21:03:24

Like nanaej my children (apart from No.3 who was very easy to manage) had the occasional smack - I am not proud of this, but I am human. PMT, exhaustion etc. + extreme provocation. I brood about these occasions sometimes and once mentioned it to my DDs who said - "Oh, heavens Mum - we were asking for it!! We knew you loved us."

It is said that a punishment is more effective if it is closely related in time to the misdemeanour. I do think that some of these withdrawal of privileges etc punishments are unacceptabele - it just drags it all out, which is not good.

One of my DDs uses the tactic of taking her child out of the room and holding him still for 60 seconds. I can see what she is trying to do, but I think that holding your child should be a pleasure not a punishment. And as he gets bigger he will be able to fight her off and not co-operate.

All children are different and those parents who have never been pushed to the limit are indeed lucky - not all of us have been so blessed.

Deedaa Sat 27-Oct-12 20:43:32

I am surprised at the number of people who have endured corporal punishment at school. When I was at school (way back in the dark ages) the boys were occasionally hit but never the girls. To be honest I can't remember anyone being outstandingly naughty at primary school - admittedly we got a bit bolshie later on. I seem to remember being smacked a lot by my mother. She wasn't very good with children which is probably why she didn't have anymore. My father never lifted a finger to me and very rarely even got cross.
By the way, one of my most precious toys was my Captain Cutlass flintlock pistol which I played with for years without turning into a mass murderer (so far wink

annodomini Sat 27-Oct-12 18:27:56

We had held out against guns, but someone gave DS1 a cowboy outfit for Christmas, complete with two six-shooters. I was thunderstruck when DS2, then aged 11 months, came crawling round the corner into the kitchen, waving a gun and shouting, 'nang, nang'! He certainly hasn't grown up in favour of guns - quite the reverse in his own family.

crimson Sat 27-Oct-12 18:01:10

Something my daughter did one day annoyed me; can't remember what it was but I hit her on the head; not hard. I never hit her again and never hit her brother. A friends mother smacked her once for misbehaving at her house; to say I was angry is a slight understatement..she had no idea what she had done wrong and couldn't understand why the mother had hit her. The only one of my daughters girlfriends who ever hit any of her friends was the one who was smacked at home; my daughter, even though she was young at the time said it was because her step father hit her. I have to say that I don't know if my parents ever smacked me or not; I'm certainly not aware of them doing so.

nanaej Sat 27-Oct-12 17:41:58

I did smack my daughters when I occasionally lost it. Am not proud of the fact but they seem OK now and do not seem to hold a grudge. I recall being smacked twice as a child for being rude.
Would /could never do it as a thought out punishment! As a teacher I have never wanted to smack a child as I did not take poor behaviour personally although i have been 'assaulted' and sworn at on many occasion.

Re children and violent play I think it is natural: watch a litter of pups and kittens... they do it too! Just because all those kids played cowboys and indians when I was little did not breed a generation of gunslingers! My brother was always playing WW2 resistance fighter games with his polish pal and our younger brother always had to be the Nazi officer they tied up and shot. All are the gentlest of men now! I think we can be over sensitive and anything that is discouraged to vehemently to kids often becomes exiting to pursue! better to 'play' it than do it!

Elegran Sat 27-Oct-12 17:05:58

When I was visiting the Zoo once I saw a man holding up quite a young child to see over a wall. He was pretending he was going to throw her over and then stepping back at the last minute, over and over. She was clinging tightly on to him between laughing and sobbing. He clearly thought she was enjoying it - and was himself enjoying the power, and her helplessness as she clung. With this early training would she, in fifteen or twenty years time, love the excitement of a relationship with a dangerous powerful man?

Nelliemoser Sat 27-Oct-12 16:20:05

Elegran It's like men who encourage their toddler boys to "play" fight. It makes me shudder.
It can progress into poorly disguised bullying when the man fails to understand when rough play should stop and the little boy does not want to admit to the probably rather aggressive male he doesn't like it.

I suspect a lot of physical abuse caused to young children by Mum's new male "boyfriend" starts like this. Perhaps its like male lions with a new pride who kill any cubs that are not of their bloodline.

whenim64 Sat 27-Oct-12 16:17:10

Me too, Elegran. So many things, like throwing babies in the air, tipping them upside down and tickling them mercilessly, make me cringe. My sons and SIL warn male visitors to go carefully, but it took some time to get them to realise you don't treat babies like that, even if they do laugh.

soop Sat 27-Oct-12 15:56:59

Elegran Wise words...flowers

Elegran Sat 27-Oct-12 15:49:26

Some parents (particularly fathers) find it amusing when a baby they are holding hits them in the face or pokes a finger into their eye, and laugh and encourage them. I would say "No" quietly but firmly and put them down.

Jodi Sat 27-Oct-12 15:38:59

Elegantly put *elegran'

whenim64 Sat 27-Oct-12 14:37:43

anno children don't seem to learn to hit - in the case of my grandsons it comes naturally and they started by sinking their teeth into each other, then progressd to bashing each other in the face at the age of one! We were horrified as they had never experienced or observed such behaviour. They wrestle now, but have watched this in other children.

My own children never fought, didn't have toys that encouraged fighting or shooting. They had friends who fought but weren't shown violence, and others who were allowed guns and cowboy outfits but have grown into peaceful adults.

Elegran Sat 27-Oct-12 14:27:43

If you are hit frequently for a minor offence, committed once, or for something you could not help (wetting the bed, for instance, or dropping something) or because a parent got out of bed on the wrong side or was feeling vindictive because they had been abused themselves, then yes, you learn to fear unfair punishment.

If you were always treated fairly and expected to be fair to others, and occasionally - occasionally - were warned that you were being antisocial enough to get fair punishment, and still persisted and got what had been promised, then you would not learn fear, but co-operation, and that if you want others to repect your rights you must respect theirs.

People did not refrain from murder because they feared the death penalty, when it existed, but because they had respect for the right to life of others.

absentgrana Sat 27-Oct-12 14:20:16

granjura I don't understand your post – what is sublime and what is ridiculous?