You have my respect, NellieSmol
Alphabetical girls and boys names January 2024
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SubscribeOur son is 27. He left school, against our advice, at 16 and apart from a few odd jobs has not really worked. For a long time he was a heavy cannabis user. He's lived away from home at times, on JSA and housing benefits but came home 18 months ago, on the understanding he either got work or went to college.
He started college last September, and appears to be doing well. He wants to move out but we've said to do that he needs to get a job to fit in with his college so he got a job as a pizza delivery driver. However, he's not happy doing that because he's on the minimum wage, and has to use his own car so says he's not going back. We've told him he can't just not go in to work without some notice or they may not pay him for the work he's done this month, but he says he doesn't care he's not going back.
We just don't understand his attitude. I get so upset by his behaviour, his outlook on life, his lack of enthusiasm for anything except his music, which is his subject at college.
He finished with his long term, girlfriend earlier this year because they always argued. He spends most of his time when not at college, in his room.
I am not necessarily asking for answers, just needed to get some of this off my chest.
Thank you for reading this.
You have my respect, NellieSmol
Thank you........and I hope E doesn't give you worries.
Fingers crossed for you ylilxx
Thank you for your very honest post Nellie, it's some comfort to hear how other young people have come good. My son has come a long way already from his days of heavy cannabis use, he is at least attending college and not missing any days there. Ever since he left school my friends have said 'he'll sort himself out' and eleven years later he did agree to go back to college. Nine of my friends have had this problem so in a way, it's good too hear he's not unique.
You have heard my story of my daughter,but I have never mentioned the problem I had with my son.
He started smoking cannabis at the age of 14.
He didn't do well at school,that is if he went,his jobs where all low paid,didn't last long and we had long periods of unemployment,where he slept all day,and was out all night with cannabis smoking friends,and hanging around with friends that dealt as we'll not only cannabis but whizz,Charlie,E's,and was drinking heavily,girlfriends came and went.His father and I both worked and supported him,whilst trying to boost his self esteem,I would drive him 25miles to work do a full days work and return to pick him at the end of the day,to make sure beheld down his job.Then we started on the rave scene and weekends where booze and drug filled with all sorts of drugs,the only one he hadn't taken was heroin,all this up to the age of 27,by this time his dad and I had parted and he went to live in Birmingham with his dad and partner to clean up his act hold down a job and to distance himself from the crowd he was with.
From that point he met a girl,they where together,he had his own flat,they married unfortunately due to her severe health problems they have separated ,he has been on my sofa for 8months but has turned his life around hehas found a good job where we live 150 miles from where he lived,just started renting a house ,rarely drinks,and is clean,he is now 30,do I still worry of course I do,and now I am starting with E who is 14 in a few days will I worry of course I will ,just as I have every day since She has been with mexxxxx
Ylil I can empathise with you,all of a sudden my son changed,I used to lay awake at night worrying,I hope your son does alsoxxxxxxlove nellie
Simple answer, no you will always worry about your children, all you can do is be there when they need you, and let them know they are loved.
best advice I ever had, is never acknowledge bad behaviours ( any attention is attention) and always catch your children being good - even as adults... make everything a positive comment, i.e' I dont think of you as a dirty person so cant understand why you left you dirty underpants in the middle of the room' - my ( then ) teenage sons thought I was mad when I started this approach - but it worked !
Do you have any idea of what happened at work? Was he in fact sacked - which is why he won't go back and why he is economical for detail. Is there a way you could send a friend there and say something like 'where is that nice young man who worked here?' or something to that effect and see what happens. Or go and ask yourself - as he won't go back he will never know.
Mey, Petra
We tried tough love years ago and recently,and I can say with all honesty in some cases, it doesn't work.
petra you are so right, it does stand you in good stead,my Mum was the same as was her Father before her, it does make you a more capable strong person and gives you a fire in your belly we all need going through life.
We tried tough love..........it gave us even more problems.
If we try and talk to him, it ends up with us getting upset and stressed, tbh we can't be bothered to confront him, I know it's a cop out, but I,m 62, my husband is 70, we don't need the aggravation.
At the end of the day, he is attending college, he has applied to uni when this year ends, ifnhenwantsnto move out, he has to get a p/t job, otherwise he has to live at home.
We live in a bungalow, he has a bedroom and shower room in the attic conversion, he will walk the dog for us, we don't need to see him that often.
How many of us had parents who would put up with what many parents on here are going through.
Sometimes there is a case for tough love. I never had the type of parents that you could go to. But when I look back, it has stood me in good stead.
I think the best ( and probably the only) advice my Mother gave me was: you come in on your own and you go out on your own.
Ylil You are going through a very difficult time with your son. I wonder, is he sufferring from depression? If so, he needs help to get himself back on track. Good wishes
Ylil I agree with Grannyknot that you need to make your son realise the impact his rudeness has on you - how it makes you feel. When people are caught up in their own misery, they have little or no idea of what they are doing to those around them, and when they realise, that can be the first step in changing their behaviour.
The rudeness is a separate issue from the job thing - I think there is little you can do about that . He is obviously aware of the benefit of having a job but something must have happened to outweigh that. I hope that he does get paid for what he has done so far, and that the employer re-imburses him for the expense of using his own car. If he earned enough, that would certainly be a tax-deductible expense, but it doesn't sound as though he will have to pay any tax.
I have 3 DCs and two of them are easy to talk to and discuss things with. The other one operates on a 'need to know' basis and trying to talk to her about things she doesn't want to talk about just makes things worse, so I have learned to try not to worry, and wait for her to come to me.
Reading the posts since my last one I am struck by what stansgran said and think she is right. When DS came to stay with us we made it a condition that he cleaned the bathrooms and loos and also cook twice a week. I think it made him feel he had some use.
I agree with Mey as this is exactly what happened with my friends 20 year old GS. He was fired and didn't want to admit it.
I do feel that to sit down with him calmly but firmly and tell him how it is for you would be a good thing. However, if he is still taking drugs then he probably won't listen and may well agree with everything you say and ignore it all.
Good post JessM. I agree it's a difficult time to be parents, with lots of things to worry about, usually to do with money, or lack of it.
I often find myself caught in the 'what if' syndrome of anxiety, usually what if they lose their jobs and can't pay their enormous rent.
That's something i hadnt thought of.
Yill he may have been fired and does not want to tell you.
That was a brilliant post Grannyknot.
Sorry meant to post this link www.clearhead.org.uk/clearhead/about_us.htm
Ylil you can't make a 27 year old do anything, but you can state the truth as you see it, without any expectation of change. In other words, you can calmly and quietly say what you see. A reality check so to speak.
My daughter came to live with us after a relationship bust up that left her heartbroken. She was really beastly and bad tempered and unhappy and took it all out on us. I can't remember how long I was patient for - she says it was about 3 months (we laugh about it now) - till I sat her down and told her what it was like for me having her live at home and behave the way she did. She had the insight to see I was right, and not long after (still unhappy but aware that she needs to move on) she moved out and made changes in her life. Granted not the same situation, but you can't stand around metaphorically wringing your hands for ever.
You have all my sympathy, but it sounds as if your son needs a reality check. And I know it's easy to talk when you're not actually in that situation.
On another note, the question of cannabis use has cropped up in this thread, so I am posting a useful self help site here aimed at people who want to reduce or stop their cannabis use. www.clearhead.org.uk/clearhead/noodles.htm
Ylil did say she wasn't looking for answers Stansngran; just needed to offload a bit.
How do you make an angry 27 year I'd do anything.........that's our problem.
I hate reading about sons and daughters who are rude or stay in their rooms and come out to eat as one poster said. Could you not insist that at least two nights a week they produced the evening meal and if not at work then serious house work or house maintenance was undertaken. It might make them feel valued and value themselves more realistically. I feel very sympathetic as I had a close relative who had dreadful trouble equating his abilities with his earning capabilities. He wanted to have"professional" salary but no sticking power for courses or degrees.
Ylil how sorry I feel for you. I know you didn't ask for advice, but if your son is getting cross with you for saying he must at least phone his employer, it's not worth getting into an argument about that, especially if he's rude to you. Focus on what comes next - which is how is he going to fulfil the 'contract' that he has to work. That's what he should be thinking about. x
any problems that is!
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