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sibling rivalry

(14 Posts)
ninathenana Mon 16-Sep-13 15:49:36

I know it's a comon problem. But any advise welcome.
DGS#1 physically abuses DGS#2 and will hide toys so #1 can't play with them and will take over #2s toys even though they are aimed at much younger children. I think part of it is frustration because #2 has special needs and can't play with #1 in the way he would like him to. Also of course #2 needs a lot of attention. We all try to give #1 one to one on a regular basis. DD has started him with riding lessons which he loves. 'because he's a big boy and special too' dose the fact they are same gender have any barering do you think ? I don't remember any such problems with DD and her brother.
.DGS#1 is currently confined to his room for punching DGS#2 !!

Anne58 Mon 16-Sep-13 16:55:59

There was over 10 years between my boys, and DS1 was often truly horrid to his little brother. Not physically at all but teasing and generally winding him up. I was convinced that if one of them had been a girl it would have been very different!

shysal Mon 16-Sep-13 17:41:08

Girls/boys, makes no difference! My GCs all wind each other up, which drives me mad. They know exactly which buttons to press to cause an outburst. The older ones should be mature enough to consider the feelings of others. Fortunately their behaviour outside the home is perfect.

jeanie99 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:39:19

What ages are the children?

wisewoman Tue 17-Sep-13 11:28:27

I have two sons (3 years between them) and they fought constantly as children. I think it was worst when one was about four and the other seven. It was very wearing but did pass as they got older. Sounds like your family is doing all the right things, eg making the older one special etc. I think it is just a fact of life. The only thing I can offer is "this too shall pass". Not having had daughters I can't comment on whether it would have been easier with girls. In the case of DGC in both families the boy is older than his sister and they could be pretty horrible to them in the early years. Much nicer now. Good luck.

janerowena Tue 17-Sep-13 11:36:08

50 years later we are still doing it! Not quite true, it's the middle two sisters of us four. I don't think my poor mother will get any peace until she is no longer in her grave. They are currently rowing over which trinkets they would like left to them in her will. It got me thinking back to when we were small though - we didn't row if we were bought identical gifts every now and then. Maybe they would be slightly too young or too old, but we liked knowing we had the same things and were being treated equally.

Eloethan Tue 17-Sep-13 12:32:47

As long as you are aware of the issues and doing your best to give each child individual attention (which you are), I think that's all that can be done. As they get older, no doubt things will get better.

As an only child, I feel that this rivalry is not always a negative thing. It can help a person to learn to stand up for him/herself and not be too sensitive about things like teasing.

ninathenana Tue 17-Sep-13 17:46:39

jeanie they are 4 and 18mths but because of his special needs the youngest is more like an 8mth old but he can walk.

Nelliemoser Tue 17-Sep-13 18:16:20

nina how much do you think this is down to sibling rivalry and how much of this do you think might be due to his disability and any possible inability to comprehend the needs of others.

I don't know how bad things are but that is quite a developmental age gap and a big 4 yr old could possible hurt an 18month old quite badly.

Do you know if the older boy shows aggression at school or nursery, or whatever he attends. It might be useful if his parents discuss this with staff who might be able to suggest how to discourage the older lad from doing this.

ninathenana Wed 18-Sep-13 09:20:51

nellie The 4yr old started school this term prior to which he had a year at nursery. There has never been any incidences in either setting. In fact I was at a home meeting with his new teacher when she stated "He is a likeable little chap, no problem at all"

The younger one has no concept of his brothers needs but does comprehend the word 'no' and will disolve into tears even if it's said gently. He is not the problem it's the 4yr olds agression and pure green eyed monster rearing it's head. Everything the younger has or does he will want or copy.
I know arguing over toys is normal but this seems to go to the next level.

nightowl Wed 18-Sep-13 10:27:25

I had two boys and a girl, 3 years between each one. They fought like cats and dogs throughout their childhood, and they also swapped allegiances on a regular basis. There was no difference in levels of violence between DD and DS's! I think it has made my daughter into a strong young woman who is very able to take care of herself. That's no comfort when you are going through it though, and you are bound to feel protective of the little one. I can't offer much advice I'm afraid; there were times when I was beside myself but they did come through it and are all nice people now. I guess your older grandson is pretty scared of having such strong feelings as well, jealousy is a horrible feeling isn't it? I think it sounds as if you are all doing everything you can to help him through this stage.

overthehill Wed 18-Sep-13 10:55:26

I have two, girl the eldest by 2years and 4 months then the boy. She was very domineering towards her younger brother, which he accepted at first but I think around 6 he decided he wasn't going to put up with it anymore and that is when the trouble started. They always fought and even now they can rub each other up the wrong way very easily although there is a sort of calm.

harrigran Wed 18-Sep-13 22:43:02

My eldest GD is the same, she feels entitled to take anything belonging to her sister but if her sister touches her toys she screams and snatches them back. My DD is two years older than her brother and she was like a little mother to him when he was a child, so much so that she used to talk for him smile

gracesmum Wed 18-Sep-13 23:13:36

One thing I do remember when DDs started school was that they would suddenly become much tougher and less "nice". I think it was becasue they were asserting themselves at school adjusting to other children around them. I think that at 4 your DGS is old enough to be reminded that his little brother needs to be treated kindly because he is younger and smaller and doesn't understand/can't do as much, and treats such as you have described with the riding are an excellent idea,but as for whether one can do much more? I suspect not. A friend and her 3 brothers used to say to their mother when they were told to stop fighting "Why? We're having fun!" My 2 little DGSs are 3 and 22 months and each much easier when apart, but happiest together. The little one can wind his brother up and cry when he doesn't get his own way and the older one has been seen to push his little brother. when they both want the same thing. This is always picked up on as in "Why is T crying, W? Well, he's crying because he wasn't being nice to me" Hmm , a stage missed out somewhere, I think. It always distresses us to see our children or grandchildren not playing happily together, fighting or falling out, but I fear it is totally human nature. As long as they love and support each other when they are older and can look out for ach other when we are no longer around, that is all we can ask for.