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(16 Posts)
Ascot12 Fri 25-Oct-13 09:30:01

my daughter and grandsons have come to live with us for a few months while their father is away she is not very good at discipline and the older boy 3 knows it (i think she left to their dad) and i have stepped in when trantrums have occured at the diner table, although not at other times. I feel awful doing this as I want to be nan but having a screaming child every meal is not nice for everyone else am i right to step in?

thatbags Fri 25-Oct-13 09:36:32

I stepped in when GS1 was at my house and making a fuss at the table. A sharp No! was enough. Tears followed but we were friends again within minutes and he's been fine since. DD was fully supportive of my intervention. She always is because we have the same standards.

tanith Fri 25-Oct-13 09:40:51

Well normally I would leave it to the parent but if your daughter isn't taking care of it then I guess you haven't much option. Maybe a quiet word with your daughter that its her place to teach the child his manners especially as she is the only parent present she could perhaps learn from you.

LizG Fri 25-Oct-13 09:41:49

They will soon get used to having firm guidelines Ascot12 and probably love you all the more for it. I say 'stick to your guns' its your home after all.

tiggypiro Fri 25-Oct-13 09:52:16

Your house, your rules.
Any child coming into my home has to follow my rules. I am not the dragon that makes me sound like but I won't put up with bad behaviour. When the Spanish family come to stay the boys have my bedtime routine which after a night or two they cheerfully accept. Certainly saves my sanity !

Lona Fri 25-Oct-13 09:53:57

I wouldn't usually do it if a parent was present, but 'my house, my rules' works for me.

goldengirl Fri 25-Oct-13 10:05:06

I agree with tiggypiro and Lona. The parents accept that it's 'my house and my rules' when it comes to discipline - but not when it comes to dishing out the odd biscuit! Fair enough I say.

Ascot12 Fri 25-Oct-13 12:19:51

Thanks for your replies it made me feel better i just want to be nanna but you are right my house my rules or it will be me that goes mad and i know my grandson will not hold it against me.

gwennie14 Wed 30-Oct-13 11:19:54

I agree with the - if it's my house, then it's my house rules.! LizG says it quite succinctly. All the best.

petallus Wed 30-Oct-13 17:22:28

I do make sure the GC stick to my rules when their parents aren't there. If they are I expect them to do it and they usually do.

However, the phrase 'my house, my rules' reminds me unhappily of my father who, when I was in any kind of conflict situation with him as a teenager, would often resort to shouting it out, adding 'and if you don't like it you know what you can do'.

I always knew he was using an unfair advantage to silence any protest about what I saw as his unfair behaviour.

FlicketyB Wed 30-Oct-13 18:51:04

On my kitchen wall is a picture of me. My mouth is open and a speech bubble is coming out of my mouth saying 'No'. It was drawn by DGD, aged 5.

This is because if my DGC are pushing their luck (DGS holding a (plastic) axe to my throat for over 10 minutes and refusing to move it. He was a Viking and wanted to kill me) at a certain point I say very firmly 'No'. It is not that DS and DDiL are poor disciplinarians but DGC need to learn that soft and indulgent as Grandma may be, I have my limits and if I say enough is enough, enough IS enough and I very firmly say 'No'

ps Wed 30-Oct-13 19:10:21

I don't think you have done anything any of us would not have done. It's a shame your daughter is not able to supply the discipline needed as it is after all her responsibility, not anyone else's, but in failing to do so does then pass responsibility to anyone who is willing to accept and enforce it. I'm sure your grandson knows you love him and will probably respect you for it.
Best wishes

gratefulgran54 Thu 31-Oct-13 05:11:40

I have found that although my expectations/standards of behaviour differ greatly from DiL1 (she's a liberated, no routine, go with the flow, co-sleeping 'mama'), the children, DGC1,2 and 3, have seamlessly adapted to what is ok/not ok in my home.

While I try to respect her way of doing things, I find their lives utterly chaotic and un-disciplined, and I just can't bring myself to be the same.

So, in Grannys house, the TV is not on, there are no games consoles, they sit at a table to eat, they don't leave said table until everyone has finished, they say please and thank you, (I want doesn't get), and, if they are staying over, they have a bath and go to bed with the expectation that they will sleep, and stay there until they wake up! Oh, and they put away all the toys they have had out before they leave too!
The DGC are quite happy with this, we always have a great time, and DiL seems happy with it too. If they are all here together, she is quite happy to plonk herself in my favourite armchair for the duration with her phone/kindle and let us get on with it, and we have never clashed over it!

With DiL3 and DGC4 we are completely on the same wavelength, which means I can be a little more 'silly Granny' and indulgent with him, as he already knows how far he can go, so to speak.

All in all, in spite of varying ideas about parenting/discipline, we always have a lovely time when we all get together, and there are very seldom cross words, we all respect each others opinion, and that seems to make it work for everyone. Thankfully smile

FlicketyB Thu 31-Oct-13 07:09:59

I think learning their are different rules for different situations is a very important lesson for children. It help them be more aware of other people and the importance of being aware of other people sensibilities.

My mother was always a stickler over dress and I still remember DD, aged about 12, looking at a skirt in a shop and suggesting its purchase 'because Grandma will like it and I can wear it when I visit her. I bought it, she wore it and Grandma approved.

jeanie99 Fri 08-Nov-13 21:40:21

It's a difficult one this but I would say if the child is rude and misbehaving in Your home then that is different to being in your daughters home and you should let the child know that there are certain rules that need to be adhered to.

I think at this age you should be strict but also show lots of love and cuddles so that the little one knows he is still very much loved.

Good manners at table and respect for others homes and property is a good learning curve for children and they are never too young to learn this.

Aka Fri 08-Nov-13 22:12:52

I absolutely agree * Flickety* that learning there are 'different rules for different situations is a very important lesson for children'. I also think it makes them more aware, adaptable and teaches them important life skills.