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Ask a gran


(14 Posts)
gleyla Sat 04-Jan-14 15:21:32

Please help! I am a new gran and think, although trying hard to keep mouth shut, have ended up in the dog house with my son-in-law - who I get on really well with.

This is what happened: My daughter asked me to have a word with his mum because she feels that he is undermining her confidence with the new baby ( I think she is doing really well). Anyway I thought about it and almost did nothing but thought it might be a good idea to try and ease the situation! Anyway I did have a chat with the other gran and she was going to have a word anyway with him anyway and she did. However it appears that I was made to be the one stirring things up and now he is a little cold towards me and my other half! I hope it will blow over but would appreciate some advice on this matter. thanks.

kittylester Sat 04-Jan-14 15:41:08

Hi gleyla- are you new? I don't recognise your name - if so, welcome. Congratulations on your new grandchild. flowers

I think you have probably now learnt the first rule of being a gran - see all, hear all and say nowt!

Not sure what you can do now apart from keeping your head down, telling your DD what a great job she is doing, doing anything you can to help and kicking the other gran in the shins. grin Seriously, I'd let it all blow over as it surely will when he spots how helpful you can be! smile

Kiora Sat 04-Jan-14 15:49:41

Ooops. It's just a little oops but it's a lesson to stand you in good stead In the mother-in-law steaks. It's best never to pass comment. Least said soonest mended as my mother used to say. Or hear all and say sod all. Can you have a chat with your daughter and ask her to apologise on your behalf or tell him yourself with a simple sorry It wasn't meant as a criticism and you didn't mean to undermine him. Next time I'd listen to your daughters worries but if she asks you to intercede on her behalf guide her but say it's probably better coming from her. Welcome to a world of walking on egg shells.

LizG Sat 04-Jan-14 15:54:00

Hi gleyla your young family are bound to be hyper sensitive right now so I really wouldn't worry about it as I feel sure it will blow over quickly. Congratulations on your new grandchild and don't let your concerns spoil such a happy time. flowers

Mishap Sat 04-Jan-14 15:55:51

There is all the right advice in the posts above - truly being a grandma is an art and it takes bit of learning - I know!!

Rule No.1 - smile, nod, be supportive, but keep schtum.

You set yourself up to be the perfect scapegoat for something the other gran was going to do anyway and would have had to own it - then - bingo! - you gave her a way of shifting the "blame" - I bet she jumped at it!

I am sure that this will all blow over - so please do enjoy your new GC.

glammanana Sat 04-Jan-14 16:04:10

gleyla all to common a problem we think we are doing the right thing don't we and then put our size 9's right in it,I now never say a thing and sometimes I am bursting but have to hold my breath but you learn and it will pass I'm sure why not try and make a joke about it and laugh it off and loads of congrats on your new

HildaW Sat 04-Jan-14 16:33:03

being a Grandma, I have found, is a bit like being emotional blotting soak it all up and try not to leak.....or is that a nappy? Any how its a lesson learned, and probably the best thing to do is to take your lovely son-in-law aside and just say a heartfelt 'Sorry'. Let them muddle this out themselves and just learn to be in the background silently loving them and just 'being there'. All the best.

Grannyknot Sat 04-Jan-14 16:52:25

hi gleyla welcome!

I really feel for you, I am a new MIL and it took me a while to work out that any conversation I have with my son about anything (we always talk the hind legs off a donkey) and which I might then mention in passing to my counterpart, his new MIL, however minor and as I try to find some common ground with the new in-laws - goes straight back from her mum to the new wife (my DIL) and then back to my son who phones me up and (gently, granted) bawls me out (because by then it has been a case of Chinese whispers) LOL.

So now I only talk about the weather! (Only joking ... I think it's also a case of all of us finding our feet with new relationships). I wouldn't apologise, you are not the "baddie"! It will blow over.

And I'm not even a grandmother yet! Lucky I can pick up tips on Gransnet.

Nonu Sat 04-Jan-14 16:53:22

Gleyla , lots of good advice given .
As a grandma / gran / nan , there is a fine line to be trod !
Hope this get sorted for you , I am sure it will , after all you all have a common interest , ie the darling little Angel !

kittylester Sat 04-Jan-14 17:01:43

I get on well with 3 of the 4 other grandparents (even the grandparents of the children I am not related to) but one set seem to think that DD is hopeless and her rules, like no biscuits, no fizzy drinks, are too fussy. I'm all for a bit of gran's rules at gran's house but they take it too far and, consequently, DD is reluctant to leave the children with her. sad

Sook Sat 04-Jan-14 17:39:49

kitty I can't imagine you not getting on with anyone. I sympathise as I was much the same as your DD. Unfortunately I lived in the next road to my inlaws a mil and a great mil in the same household. They took great delight stuffing my boys with sweets, chocolate and fizzy drinks as soon as my back was turned and even greater delight telling me about it on my return.

When my eldest was weeks old OH wanted to call in to see his parents even though DS was due for a feed and protesting loudly. Mil made a trip to the kitchen returned with a cup and spoon and proceeded to spoon a mixture of sugar and boiled water (unsterilized cup and spoon) into his mouth. I was absolutely livid nobody else batted an eyelid. The look on her face was one of triumph.

She was an excellent example of how not to behave and although I may not agree with the methods my dils use I keep my mouth firmly closed, unless of course I am asked and I am a model of diplomacy wink

Good luck gleyla

Deedaa Sat 04-Jan-14 21:10:50

I'm sure this will all blow over. If your SiL has any sense he will realise how useful a willing granny can be smile I suspect he's a bit like my DH who seemed to think I would know all about babies and then made me feel a bit of a failure if I couldn't instantly solve every problem.

gleyla Mon 06-Jan-14 16:56:47

Thanks for your advice. I think I will just keep my head down and have learnt a lesson and act as if nothing has happened. He is still a little bit cool but hopefully he will get over it!

goldengirl Mon 06-Jan-14 17:19:06

I'm afraid I'm always one for saying my piece - in the nicest possible way - and I'm lucky that no offence is taken but I am told - pleasantly - to butt out from time to time. I'm sure it will blow over in your situation, gleyla. I wouldn't worry, though I can understand that you're a bit upset at the moment.