De Motivated

Welcome to the forum Cathy sorry you are having a bad time. I agree entirely with grannyknot, that you can't just catapult into new things, it all takes time.Even without any illness, most men take a while to get used to retirement. Your DH is using the tv at the moment as a kind of prop, but that's alright, for a while at least.Playing games on the computer, crosswords, reading books and papers may come next. Then a transition to a bit of going out, helping you generally if he is able?Men usually like us to ask them to help, it makes them feel better.Can he do the finances?If you do find a job for yourself, leave him a small list of things you would like him to do. He is probably feeling very down in the mouth just now, like you are. Men often define their own worth by their job and feel weak and powerless when they are ill. Good luck with this, you will find support on here

Hi cathy and welcome.

How difficult for you and for your DH. It is well known that some men become depressed when they retire, even when they know it's coming, so your DH could be depressed it he was forced to retire suddenly and ahead of time.

I expect this retirement was a shock to you too, and as Rowantree said, a trip to the GP might be a good starting place from the point of view of talking about how you feel but also to let him know that your DH isn't coping.

It would also be good for you to get out and do something for yourself (maybe a little volunteering?) while you job hunt.

Good luck and let us know how things are going.

I'm going to stick my neck out a bit here - I think the GP
should be a last resort (there is no "magic bullet"). I think you two are undergoing a huge transition in your lives and feeling down is part of and entirely appropriate in a situation of change where you have to let go of what was familiar and make the leap to what is new.

There is a lot to be said for avoiding the "medicalisation of misery".

Clinical depression of course is something else altogether.

Thank you for your messages, I do not have family near by, we have all drifted apart and I do not see anyone anymore, I do have a brother near by but have not had any contact with him for a long while.

When you are younger you just seem to take everyone around you for granted and think that they are always going to be around, and then when you find yourself alone, it feels quite daunting.

We tried the brainstorm thing but found a massive obstacle and that just died a death.

Do you have a spare room that you could put a television in especially for him? Get him a comfortable chair to go with it. Make sure he is warm enough. And shut the door on him.

Hugs, cathybee. It sounds a horrible place. No wonder you feel so down. I wonder if a trip to your GP might be in order first of all? I agree with Nonnie that your DH might be depressed, but I am wondering about you, too - you're having to act as carer and look for a job, so there's a great deal on your shoulders. Your GP might be able to refer you for some supportive counselling, which could boost you a little, and you might possibly need short-term antidepressants to help you over this.

Do you have any family or friends who live nearby who could give you some support?

You don't say what the health condition is that your husband is suffering from, but he might benefit from some light activity even if he can't do much. Are you able to talk to him about how you feel, and suggest that you find ways of getting through it together? You could have a brainstorming session together, with a cup of tea, and encourage him to put forward some suggestions of what he could do instead of watching TV constantly - both for his own wellbeing and yours.

Let us know how you're doing.

Thank you for your messages, yes he is able to get around quite well, I do not know how to cope with any of it to be honest, he probably is depressed but I do not know what to do to help that. He does not get out of bed til 1-2pm.

Oh CathyB, I'm sorry for you. I often think of my poor MIL when my FIL stopped working he had the TV on from morning till night, tuned to the racing channel. She would stand in the door of the lounge, literally wringing her hands. (What we didn't know at that stage, was that she was struggling with early onset dementia too).

I can't give you advice, I don't know what I would do in your situation, but you will find lots of help on here.

cathy is your husband able to do things around the house? Perhaps you could start by asking him to do a specific task while you are at the jobcentre/supermarket/wherever? I doubt you will get him to suddenly start doing a whole load of things if he has not helped before.

Is it possible he is depressed? If he has always worked and suddenly had to stop he might be finding it hard to deal with. Many men almost feel their identity is in their work and if that is suddenly taken away he might not be able to cope.