Come and talk to us (and Mumsnetters) about the MIL/DIL relationship

I' m closely involved in looking after my 3 grand children but my DIL is very busy as she is the main bread winner. She is a lovely person but not my sort of person. After 13 years I wouldn't say we were friends. We respect each other and when we have a family crisis she is fantastic. I keep my mouth firmly closed. They are a happy couple and doing a good job of bringing up the children and my son is happy. That's all that matters.
I am minded that my own MiL found me an exotic strange being - a hippy from London in mini skirts and from a different religion as well. She bit her tongu and so did. I and we ended up with a warm and loving relationship. I was the one who sat on her bed and held her hand when she was dying.
We can't choose partners for our children and it is up to us to 'put up and shut up'.

I read on gransnet once from someone , keep your arms open and mouth shut . Good advice all around ?

I loved my DMiL, we giggled at some of DH's little foibles and when DS was a few months old and he and I were unwell, she sent me upstairs for a bath and early night and then tucked me in and kissed me goodnight and informed me that she would do night duty with DS and I should get a good night's sleep, which did me a power of good. At times I found her easier to talk to than my own mother whom I loved dearly.

In turn I have a loving and happy relationship with DDil, we giggle at DS's little foibles, we share the same values and I am so glad DS managed to persuade such a lovely girl to marry him.

My 2 DsiL are lovely women who are a huge part of our lives, and I know how lucky we are to have them. (Tribute to SiL too, whom we love too!) They are very family minded, and have always made every effort to make sure we see them and the DGC as often as possible - that is, and has been a two way process, though!

We all potter around in each others' houses very comfortably; I noticed this especially when I was recently immobile and DH was 70 - the two girls and DD are great friends too. DH is the only Grandpa to DSs' children, and does he revel in it!

I am an only child, as was my mother, and I am amazed and warmed by this big family of mine, and how it operates.

I will not talk about my MiL, because I would lose it rant still. But my Step MiL was a joy.

I had a very good relationship with my MIL, sadly she died when she was 58 and I only had her in my life for 17 years.
I love my DIL as if she were my DD and she is perfect for DS, she is just the person I would have chosen had it been an arranged marriage. DS and DIL have been together 22 years and married for 11.

My DS1 has never married.
DS2 has been married twice and is now separated from second wife.

I never got on with his first wife, I soon learnt to keep my mouth shut with her and never interfere with anything.DS and her had three daughters together I always helped with childcare.They divorced when youngest was two. Ex DIL married again and suddenly withdrew my son's access to the children whom he was seeing at weekends.This nearly broke my heart as myself and DH could not see them either. He took her to court over this and got access again after two years.Relationship was still strained though but as long as we saw the children and they were happy it never seemed to matter.
DS got into another relationship, his new partner and I got on very well. They lived in my house, had a son, then got married while DIL was pregnant with their daughter.
Things went along very nicely, until three weeks ago when they admitted to having problems and decided to live apart.
I am still on good terms with DIL. The children visit regularly.
First DIL and I are now on friendly terms. The youngest of the three daughters lives with us and DS as she and her mother were having problems. This DGD is now 18 and has been a trial to say the least, and I think that because I was willing to have her in my house has healed the relationship I had with her mother.They see each other regularly and her DIL 1 and I discuss DGD's problems together.
As to my own now long departed MIL, we did not have a good relationship.She interfered with the way I cared for my children and told me that her son could have done much better if he had not married me.
Trouble was he was a mother's boy and she never thought he should get married and leave home as he was meant to keep her, a poor widow, in comfort.

I don't have a DIL, but I do have a MIL. I try my hardest to feel affection for her, but I just find her irritating and challenging. Over the years she's taken to making disparaging comments about my weight and can be very judgmental and critical about the way we live - and she's a total nightmare to take out for a meal because something is always wrong with it, however hard we try to choose somewhere we think she will like.
I've never forgotten that she once told my DH 'She's not the kind of girl I was hoping you'd marry', but she wasn't unfriendly towards me, despite disapproving of the scruffy, weedy, gauche student I once was, so I realise she must have made an effort to like me and it must have been very difficult. In my turn, I tried very hard to win her approval when we married - throwing myself into cooking and taking a pride in making cakes and learning Jewish recipes, for example. I learned a lot from her, even though it pains me to admit it! I tried to be as supportive as I possibly could a few years ago when FIL was ill and died a short time later, but I really struggle now to find much in common with her and feel very guilty about it, especially after she commented how lucky she was that she got on with her DIL! I try constantly not to let my irritation show because I know it's my problem, not hers, but it makes me very tense and on edge. I think I still feel inadequate next to someone who was - is - THE perfect wife, homemaker, cook, gardener and dressmaker and elegant dresser - I can never live up to any of that!

It's all related to one incident that happened a few years ago that has never really resolved itself but I can't talk about it [nothing sinister!].

Anything specific or is it just 'feelings' that you have?

Yes I do [I think] but there are undercurrents that eat away at me sometimes.

You don't get on with any of them?

It's not a DIL but sons, daughters, SIL's etc in general .

Sorry Tegan, I'm not aware of your situation. I do commiserate though if you don't get along with your daughter-in-law, I know how that can feel. As they say in law: if you can come forward 'with clean hands', at least your conscience is clear. We can't get on with everyone

There's me as well Holly .

(apart from one obvious exception)

Who would that be

Isn't it good to hear so many tributes (apart from one obvious exception) to lovely DiLs? Usually we only hear about them if there is a complaint!

I love my DiL to bits. She's a lovely woman, and a brilliant mother. She's a wonderful conversationalist and is very open and very caring. She's been the best thing that ever happened to our son. We do a lot of grandparent duty and it's been lovely getting to know our grandchildren so well.

Our SiL is lovely too - he's our son's closest friend and DD and he met at DS's wedding where he was best man and she was bridesmaid. Very Mills and Boon!

I get on very well with my DIL, and try not to offer advice [though sometimes it just pops out.]She is a very capable woman and gets on with things. Haven't done much babysitting yet , just the odd time, but she and DS know we are here if they need us. She is good with children, and a good cook [and bakes] so am pleased our Ds has found somebody not only to love, but is looked after [and he is a great husband and Father too.]

I have two great DiLs now - both couples are engaged and one will marry in a few months. I think we're doing ok - I get to socialise with DiLs independently of my sons. One is very funny, open and able to engage in banter, but struggles to ask for help and even when I offer will say 'oh no, you do enough.' Then my son will ask and she can let herself accept help - maybe over time, she'll be able to ease up - she is very busy and insists on doing massive amounts of housework, ironing several baskets worth including my son's, who is well able to do his own, washing dishes by hand instead of using the dishwasher. I'm really happy that my son has met her - his ex-wife was a complete nightmare and caused terrible trouble, and DiL's ex was irresponsible and uncaring, so they both really appreciate what they have now, as do I.

My other DIL is lovely - quiet and reserved, obviously cares deeply for my son, and is a kind, thoughtful person. She is gradually easing into our family and learning that she can lean on me if she wants or needs to. We have much in common and I feel confident that as we spend longer with each other we'll have a good relationship. I feel lucky.

Oops sorry - not clear that it's Dd2 that gets married this month! Dd1 will be in attendance with new man!

I can't stand my DIL - I have tried on 3 separate occasions to get on with her but she always slips back into her old, selfish, self-centred, disrespectful ways. My son is aware that she behaves this way but seems to think that I should put up with it; I disagree. She ignores me and I ignore her and it seems to work fine for us.

Dd1 has had a couple of disastrous relationships and I didn't see either of them as a son in law. She's now with someone who looks promising so we'll see! DS won't take much longer to give me a lovely DiL, I suspect.
The really exciting bit is that I'll get my first official DiL in 2 weeks time when my daughter and her fiancee celebrate their civil partnership. She lost her mum a couple of years ago so I do feel an extra responsibility. I'll love and support both of my girls but am well aware that I can't take the place of her mother.
They are at the nervous and twitchy stage right now but all will be well.

I love my DIL and treat her like a daughter and she calls me Mum.