Come and talk to us (and Mumsnetters) about the MIL/DIL relationship

on Mumsnet:

thornyhousewife:

"I have a very difficult relationship with my Mil. My husband says he hates her, she was quite a cruel and uncaring mother, to my husband especially.

I could write a book about her abusive behaviour over the years but you will just have to take my word for it. Her father committed suicide when she was young which must have been horrendous. I think it must be where her anger comes from but she takes it out on her children and makes them so unhappy.

After my first baby my feelings towards her changed, and shifted from sympathetic tolerance to out right anger, to be honest. The thought of her hurting my kids in the way she hurt hers and her other grandchildren made me feel really really angry at her.

I don't feel angry at her now though. We see her so infrequently she really isn't part of our lives. I feel sad for my husband. He has emotional scars but is thankfully a wonderful and happy dad to our kids.

I tend to think that if you have a good and healthy relationship with your son then you will have a good relationship with your DIL."

MewlingQuim:

"I love my MiL. She is my mum in law, and we get along really well because she doesn't try to mother me.

Unlike my own mother, who I constantly fall out with because she will not stop mothering me even though I am a grown woman who has lived independently since I was 16 years old

I think the secret to getting along with your adult family members, regardless of biological relationship, is probably: do not treat them like a child."

atotalshambles:

"I have known my PIL for 20 years. For the first 13 they were amazing. We would spend Christmas with them, go on holiday with them - I absolutely couldn't complain at all. They were wonderful. That was until we had a baby! I soon learnt that it was wasn't my baby it was 'their grandchild' and if we ever saw them they would take the baby away and have their 'time' with their grandchild. Whenever they would come to stay they would take over and act as the parent. They would be great babysitters and so I just learnt to hide my annoyance as the kids were happy. Since then they have 5 grandchildren (3 with me) and 2 from DD. They have always idolized their DD - she is attractive , clever and successful. Now that she has 2 DD I am always being compared negatively. Everything I say is wrong and everything my husband (their DS) is right. My MIL almost flinches if any of the children show me affection or hug me. She cannot cope with the idea that someone not related to her is bringing up her grandchildren. I went to stay with them last summer for a few days so they could see the kids. They would go out everyday with kids without me and leave me in the house on my own. I had my last baby late last year and was seriously ill. They kindly looked after the kids while I was in hospital but would not let me bond with the baby once I was better. They kept saying how they wanted to take her home to bring up themselves. Instead of encouraging me to bond with her they would take her into a different room to have 'their time'. I was talking to a good friend about the situation and we agreed that we will try when our time comes to get on with our DILs. If you are genuine and want to help I think you will have no problem at all. Don't try to be a pseudo parent unless your DIL wants you to !! It is so hard with small children finding someone you trust to look after them. I think something has snapped in me now and they either back off or we will see them heaps less which is a shame."

zanashar:

Unfortunately my MIL doesn't live very close to us, but if she did I'd absolutely love it. Mainly because neither of my parents (who live less less than 3 miles from us) are showing any real excitement at the prospect of becoming grandparents for the first time. �� ( they didn't even come to our wedding last year)

MIL has always been lovely from the day I met her ( think she was glad that someone was finally taking her only son off her hands!) and had no problem when he decided to up sticks from Northern Ireland to the Midlands to be with me three years ago.

As it stands the only grandparent who to have a relationship with our impending arrival is a flight away. Wish I could swap mine with his!

Anyone else have a similar situation?"

FinDeSemaine:

"*They kept saying how they wanted to take her home to bring up themselves*

This is just plain odd. I do wonder why people let their PILs get away with this rubbish, though (though I do realise that with a new baby isn't the time you feel at your most combative and completely see why anyone wouldn't feel up to a row). I have regrets about the relationship I have with my PILs but none of them are to do with the bits where I stood up for myself and told them they were overstepping the mark!"

Thumbwitch:

"My mother had a very poor relationship with her own MIL - Dad had left the northern area he was from, come South to work, met Mum and settled down South - strike 1.
Grandma only had 2 sons, no DDs, as did her sister - she told Mum that she'd never had a DD and didn't know how to relate to women as daughters (she'd had 2 sisters but that didn't count, apparently). Strike 2.
I was born 1st (a girl!). Strike 3.
Mum's next baby was still born and Dad had a nervous breakdown - Strike 4.
When the next one was born, my Dad was unavoidably away (years later and having had my own DC I can fully understand why this pissed Mum off for years) and my grandparents refused to come down and help until he came back. My lovely nan was the one who looked after me.

My Dad, otoh, got on brilliantly with my lovely nan - called her Mum, loved her possibly even more then my Mum did - I know he was more upset when she died!

So. My first nearly-MIL - nightmare, but then I was a gauche teen and didn't know how to respond to her "social" manners - I felt very intimidated and could tell that she and her DH didn't think I was good enough for their son. She ended up never talking to me - I would sit on a chair in their living room while she and her DS had their little cozy chats - good job I never married him, she became a complete nightmare!

And my current one? I met her when I visited in Australia, she seemed lovely, I was determined to make things work with her because DH was very attached to her (not as much as the previous one though!) and as I was likely to move out here, then it would be very important to get on.
She is immensely helpful, but...
She's be here every day if she could. She likes to be helpful but to the point of interference, which can grate.
One year when I took the DSs back to the UK I got home to find that she and DH had moved a load of stuff around, and broken some of my things, then hidden them and lied about it. I felt as though I had no place in my own home - a possible over-reaction but based on the fact that whenever DH wants to do something around the place, he calls his mother over and they do it together. They are the partnership, I am just here too. I suspect this is largely because he can tell her what to do and she won't argue, whereas I'll ask for justification for why he wants X done, especially if it seems as though Y would be a better option.
She still takes it upon herself to prune/plant/weed/change our garden; to the point where I've actually given up doing anything in it now because I don't feel it's mine. DH doesn't care - he thinks she's a great gardener and is helping.
I still get on with her but it's more of an effort now - I find her and DH's conversation to be very difficult to join in with because I disagree with a lot of what they both say, especially when they get started on their hobbyhorse topics (Immigrants, bitching about neighbours/work people) so I tend to tune them out. They also both converse while a tv programme we're supposed to be watching is on, and then both turn to me to find out what's going on!

She has been very supportive though and I do care about her and will miss her whenever she goes; but we're not best friends and I probably wouldn't see her on my own - I'll go out with her without DH but always with one or both of my DSs.

She probably thinks I'm a PITA as well, to be fair."

MissHC:

"Me and MIL. We've come to accept each other. I don't think we'll ever be friends.

I find her very hard work. She's quite childish and self-centred. She calls several times a week but will never speak to me; she always asks for DP straight away. Never a "how are you doing?" She really relies on DP (even though we live 250 miles away) to sort out her problems. I think it says a lot that she doesn't really have any friends and the rest of the family didn't talk to her for ages - only her brother does again since the birth of our DD.

She worked before she had DP, raised him as a single mother but hasn't had a job since he was born. He's 31 now. She's still on job-seekers allowance but everytime the job centre suggests a course or a job she's got an excuse. It drives me crazy really.

I'm quite sure she thinks I'm a spoiled brat. I'm from a very middle-class background, grew up abroad and travelled loads. She's very working class and seems to live in a totally different world from me. I don't know what she thinks of how we are bringing up DD, and to be completely frank I don't care. We see each other 3/4 times a year and that's enough for me."

QueenofallIsee:

"I am very very lucky - my MIL (and FIL) are wonderful, generous people who adore my children. They are respectful toward me without it feeling as though I am an outsider (exh family were formal somehow, treating me as though I was a VIP so it felt awkward all the time)

My MIL told me once that her sons made a choice to be with her DIL's and so her only option is to love us. She threw herself into embracing us (3 very different women) without being smothering or interfering. She asks to see the children as she misses them - this even though she has my sons every day after school by choice. She sneaks dinner plated up for me into my kitchen when I have been working away and knows her son probably hasn't thought to do it. She would never presume to overrule me even if she disagrees and would defend her family against all comers with her dying breath. I love her very much to be honest, she is one of the nicest people I know"

redhatnoknickers:

"My MIL made it absolutely clear from the outset that I was not welcome in her home and that her son was too good for me. She adored her oldest dgc but was less interested in subsequent dgc, until eventually she declared that DH and I had "too many children" and the PILs cut off contact. She was very difficult but I tried hard with her and I still feel so sad about it, especially as I would have loved a mother figure in my life, or just a friend of her age and experience. There should be an adoption scheme for those of us who long for a mother/grandmother figure to share the little things in life with."

PickleMobile:

"I get on with my mil but she and my fil are very different to my family and I struggle to bond with them.

They have raised a fab son who is the best husband and father I could hope for and for that I'm thankful. They are generous, helping us out with money and looking after our dd one day a week. And I am very greatful and owe them a lot.

I hate saying this and it will make me sound horrible, but they are not emotional people. They don't hug, or kiss or tell each other or us they love them which I find difficult to relate to and this has held back our relationship and makes it difficult for me to talk to them.

My mil is quite old fashioned. She is very house proud and my fil doesn't lift a finger apart from baking. I am a slattern and I always feel like I'm being judged on the cleanliness of my house. DH does the majority of the housework and I think she feels it should be me doing it all like she does.

I hope I can have a good relationship with any future daughter/son in laws. Sort of a mix between my oarents and dh's would be perfect!"

On the Mumsnet thread:

wejammin:

"My MIL is perfectly nice and adores DS, but I just don't feel comfortable around her. I feel like I do make an effort but I can't quite work out what the issue is. She was a single mum to DH but they aren't particularly close either.

I do wonder if part of the issue is around "ownership". When DH's dad left he tried to take baby DH and they haven't spoken since, 30 years ago. When DS was born she was first round, which was fine, but when my mum, dad, sister and bil arrived a few hours later she basically refused to leave and said to me "I've got as much right to see DS as them". This really upset me just 8 hours after his birth, as I felt she had no regard for my feelings at all."

Phineyj:

"My MIL is lovely and the best granny ever, but based on my experiences over the last decade and a half, my top tip for MILs is: if your DIL seems reluctant to discuss plans to have DC, for goodness' sake don't keep bringing it up, or at least have the decency to hassle your DS rather than your DIL. You have no idea what issues there may be and if there are sad things going on, they won't necessarily want to discuss them with someone who lives and breathes for their GC. Secondly (maybe just me) please stop picking political arguments on public transport!"

MrsAtticus:

"I have enormous respect for my MIL. Her son chose to marry someone from a totally different culture who can't communicate with her. On the day of our marriage she promised to treat me like her daughter and she has done exactly that. I have never felt disapproval or criticism from her despite the huge differences between us.
I think the most important thing for me is respecting boundaries. She has never interfered in our relationship, or tried to tell me how to raise our children. From what I can tell, I think she can see how much I love her son, and she loves me for that."

StampyIsMyBoyfriend:

"No real issues, but in an ideal world...

A MIL would treat all her grandchildren equally, offer to take them out & not just wait until they're asked to babysit.

They'd treat all their children equally & realise that just because they never ask for help, doesn't mean it's not needed. Being the 'strong' one is exhausting."

Pollaidh:

"I have a lovely MIL who is very tactful and helps a lot with our children when she can (she doesn't live in the UK). Recently she stayed 2 weeks, sent us out for dinner, spa etc, and looked after both (young and somewhat complicated) children when we went away for 2 nights! We are so grateful. She also came for 2 weeks when each child was born, did all the meals, some of the night duties, washing, nursery run etc. She'd have stayed longer if needed. She followed my menus, made the usual food we like, and fitted in as best she could with the family. (I should say I got a huge amount of help from my own parents too!)

When many years back there was trouble between my dh and I, she was very tactful and took time to help my dh understand my p.o.v. I've always been grateful for that."

kidcrayola:

"I get on ok with my MIL, I certainly wish we had a closer relationship but I don't think we ever will. We're both quite head strong women and I think we both grate each other but just try and make the best of it.
I don't the situation is helped that we live so far away from each other, so the time we do spend together is days rather than a couple of hours here and there, so by the end of it I think we all feel a bit fed up with each other."

From Mumsnet

StillWishihadabs
I am moved to post on this thread because my MIL has just been lovely this morning. We have had our ups and downs (over 18 years now) and gone from thinking each other were wonderful (before the dcs) . To an almost complete breakdown of the relationship (don't want to out myself , but multiple issues around the time of the birth of dc1). To a gradual acceptance that of my way of doing things although not her preferred way may be ok (MIL) and my gratitude for her unconditional love of my dcs , her interest in our family and her desire to be involved in our lives. 

I hope our relationship stays positive but I now also know that it is the long game that counts.

FixItUpChappie
My Mil is a nice person but she irritates me honestly. She oversteps, doesn't defer to us as the parents even when we are standing right there and overall is absolutely deaf to hints. I am completely unwelcoming to interference TBH. if she could leave the parenting to us and her opinions to herself it would go a long way. 

Well, that and they stay with us for ungodly amounts of time without contributing even a dime toward bills and groceries. 

I think we could all get on a lot better if they weren't underfoot so much

allisgood1
My MIL was great, mostly because she was very non judgmental and non interfering unfortunately she didn't live to see my children and for that I am very sad I have a lot of friends who find their mil "annoying" especially right after having their PFB but honestly I think they should be bloody grateful that they have the help I never had.

FixItUpChappie
why isn't it valid for people feel "annoyed" or whatever else because someone else's MIL died? Everyone lives their own lives and has their own relationship issues and complications to deal with. I'm not going to pretend my MIL doesn't get on my tits and impact my life because someone else lost theirs.

allisgood1
Did I say it wasn't valid to be annoyed? Think you should re-read the post! 

Unfortunately no one will learn to appreciate what they have until its gone.

TheHoneyBadger
and there are children starving in africa you know so eat up that sour pie.

FinDeSemaine
Your MIL died before you had children, allisgood1. I am very sorry for your loss and see what you're saying but I think you underestimate what having children or grandchildren can to to that relationship. I do think that having children is a watershed moment in this type of relationship and it can go either way from then on. Either you get someone who completely understands that they are YOUR children, or you get someone who doesn't get it at all and thinks they are going to have a similar level of input into their lives as they had into their own children's lives. The second kind of MIL is not fun to be around for a mother who wants to learn and make her own mistakes instead of someone else's (I am thinking that is a pretty hefty percentage of adult women with children). Unfortunately being lovely before that watershed moment is no guarantee of being wonderful afterwards.

I was really really fond of my MIL who seemed absolutely like the nicest I could have hoped for until about two weeks after I had a baby at which point it became very clear indeed that I was going to have to draw some clear boundaries in what was OK with me and what wasn't. Unfortunately MIL was really not able to take that on board and things have been difficult ever since (though nowhere near as tricky as some things I have heard on MN). I expect she thinks I am extremely unreasonable. I think the same of her, with a side order of bossy, controlling and negative. If she could have just stepped back or maybe just listened to me, perhaps the relationship could have been better.

JuneFromBethesda
Fascinating thread. I got on really well with my MIL for the first four years of being with my husband, until I fell pregnant with our first child and things changed for me. She is a lovely person, kind, generous, doesn't overstep boundaries or interfere, but for some reason I have struggled with her ever since my children were born. I even had counselling to try and make sense of it, and I can't say I understand it entirely but I think it has something to do with my relationship with my own mother. I love my mum and she loves me but she is very practical, a problem-solver when sometimes what I really need is a hug. She's not a hugger! MIL is more cuddly and I wonder if in some way I resent her for offering what my own mother doesn't. She is a wonderful grandmother though and my husband loves her so I try to keep my feelings under wraps. I feel awkward around her and it makes me feel horrible. Things have improved gradually since my eldest was born so I hope it will continue and I will find a way to be a nicer DIL

maxpower
I like my mil a lot - ever since it was obvious dh and I were serious she's treated me like one of the family. We're very good friends and she treats me like an equal. She knows that I think she's made a rod for her own back with her dd and dh (my fil) but I also know that she won't tackle these issues because she doesn't want to rock the boat. The one thing I couldn't tell her is that she should make more of an effort to see my dcs. She loves them without question but she travels to her dd's every week during term time to look after her dcs and never comes to see mine. Travelling time to both of us is the same. Mil can't drive but she can actually get a direct train to the end of our road if she wanted to. To compound the issue my dd and her twin cousins have the same birthday. Mil always sees the twins on their birthday but never dd. It makes me sad and angry for my dcs. But if I told mil it would break her heart.

On Mumsnet...

CheerfulYank said:

"I like my MIL.

It was rocky at first. DH's family is very reserved and conservative and I am not. And DH was going to school far away when we first started dating so they didn't see me often or know me well.

When we got engaged and I planned the wedding I guess she felt left out (heard that through the grapevine) because I just got on with what I wanted and didn't involve her as much as I could have.

But then I got pregnant completely by accident almost immediately after getting married, and after DS was born we got along much better.

I think she likes me because I am firm with my DC...her other dil is very wishy washy with hers and they talk back a lot, which MIL hates. Also my two will eat anything which MIL thinks is down to some wonderful parenting on my part but of course they just came that way.

We aren't really close (we never hang out just the two of us or anything like that) but we like each other and can chat and joke easily.

The thing I appreciate most is what a lot of others have said: she keeps her mouth shut. She's never said a critical word to me in the 11 years we've been a part of each other's lives. We live close to them and she watches the DC whenever we ask.

I try to make an effort and do things that will please her. She works in an assisted living home and once a month or so the DC and I bake treats and go visit her at work. I make sure the DC are in nice outfits and on their best behavior so she can show them off a bit. And we have coffee and our treats and chat with the residents and MIL just beams the whole time.

So I guess it's just little things. We are both always polite and that goes a long way. Also my own mother drives me to distraction with her "advice" so my reserved MIL looks mighty good by comparison! "

bronya said:

"I don't have much of a relationship with my MIL, despite really trying to get to know her at the beginning. My DH isn't very keen on going to see her (she always has a huge list of jobs for him to do, criticizes his parenting/whatever she can find to comment on).

I totally gave up after the time we rang up to check she'd be in, went over at the time she'd said, and she was out. We waited for half an hour, tried to phone her, then gave up and went home (an hour's journey). She rang, much later that evening, to ask where we were. DH said that happened quite often to him when he took DC to see her while I was at work...

I don't mind her as a person, but DH has a big chip on his shoulder about her favoring his sibling. I'm not about to interfere, so I encourage him to go and see her/phone if he's not been in touch for a while, but otherwise leave it up to him. I think she thinks it's my fault he doesn't come over more - if only she knew that the only reason he comes as often as he does, is because I'm encouraging him!!!!!"

HopefulHamster said:

"My MIL is very nice, FIL is a bit more fiery. She does have serious food issues (eats enough to live, but that's about it, doesn't eat in front of people unless it's Christmas or some kind of special event), which I sometimes see coming through in the way she talks to my son (saying he must be full after a quarter of a sandwich, for example), and she's frail for her age as a result. No one talks to her about the fact she is clearly far too thin, and I don't approach it either. Just makes me think twice about sending him there to stay over, but other than that our relationship is good and she'll ring me when my husband is away to check I'm okay.

We're not especially close or distant. I do wish they'd vacuum their house. They have a cat I'm badly allergic to but because it's 'only sneezing' (and wheezing and sore eyes and being ill for days after) they brush up at most. But I'm a bit of a slattern so can't complain too much.

No one's perfect are they? I'm a lot closer to my mum and she is brilliant with engaging with my son and has lots of appropriate toys and bits at her house, but she's more likely to spoil grandchildren with sweets, and she does like a drink of an evening (borderline too much drink every evening). At this point they're both family, and to an extent (unless abusive/damaging), you take them as you get em."

skyeskyeskye said:

"My XMIL was kind but had a nasty tongue at times even to her own children. I put this down to her own mum having died when she was 4yo and being brought up in foster homes. They came from a different county and they always referred to people from my county as being mad and not like the people at home.

She always seemed to favour her eldest son and her only daughter above my XH. He was a "mistake". She criticized everything that he did and generally destroyed his self confidence.

When I was pregnant we went to tell her after the scan and she said "oh you're not are you" We were 35 and 43, married with our own home and good jobs, so it wasn't a disaster.

She criticised the way I brought up my DD and criticised me for working part time, yet gave her own daughter money because she didnt work and was on benefits.

I had to constantly bite my tongue when with her as I wanted to keep the peace for my then H's sake as his previous gf wouldn't even go to see his mum.

If she telephoned, she would say "is he there" and if I said no, she would say bye and hang up, no chat for me!

I always made sure that XH rang her regularly and we went to see her every week, yet it was never appreciated.

When XH walked out suddenly on me and then 4yo DD, she said "oh well, these things happen". I had no contact with her then for 2 years.

Recently my XBIL was diagnosed with cancer and passed away just 3 weeks later. When I heard he was ill, I went to see XMIL and spent 2 hours with her. She was devastated. We also talked a lot about the divorce and the fact that XH had an affair with his best friends wife, which he had denied at the time of leaving. She still doesn't think that he was wrong to have been texting another woman thousands of times before he left, but she does accept that he had an affair behind his friends back after leaving me.

I now keep in contact with her and try to get on with her as a person, now that she is no longer my MIL, it is a lot easier as I don't care any more what her opinion is of me and my life."

AbbieHoffmansAfro said:

"My MIL was nice to me, and despite being very different we got along fine. We both made a conscious effort to find common ground and stay there. We could pass the time together quite easily and she was delighted, helpful and supportive to me when grandchildren came along.

The problem was, she didn't like her son very much, and treated him poorly (until the grandchildren, after which she was more careful). He was the family scapegoat and his sibling was the Golden Child. So our relationship never developed. I was nice to her, but didn't trust or respect her, because she treated my husband like crap and had the gall to be surprised when I stuck up for him. She often hinted, but never quite dared say, that she was surprised I'd married him.

I was never going to be friends with someone who could do that."

Chocotrekkie said:

"My MIL is a perfectly nice lady but just isn't interested in us or her grand kids.

We visited when dd1 was 3 months old. We were there for 2 nights. First night her and her husband (Dhs stepdad of about 5 years) went out for dinner - just the 2 of them so not meeting friends etc)
Left us in the house with not a lot of food and he baby. Ended up with DH driving round to find a takeaway place while I sat in a strange empty house with a baby.

Came down to visit 2 weeks before dd2 was due. Didn't help out at all with dd1 - wouldn't even play with her or help doing a jigsaw. She was 2.5.
Didn't meet dd2 until she was about 6 months.

Etc
etc.

Are now spending a week in a cottage about 30 miles from us on holiday in a month or so. I suggested the dds - now 10 and 7 would love to see them they just grunted. So that's a no then.

I would say what hurts dh is how they are with the rest of the family.
they have their other grandchild (on FILs side) 4 days after school every week. Step BIL's kids they drive 400 miles to watch for the entire 2 week Easter holidays - we are sort of in the mdlle between them and sbil so they visited us on the Monday on the way home when the schools were back. But no they didn't want to pick up from school so girls went to childminder as usual. So they saw them for about 3 hours between cm and bed.

It can go weeks between phone calls - its only when DH calls them they speak.

On the other hand. Step mil and fil are ace. They visit us, we visit them and interact with the dds. They had the girls for 3 nights last summer which they all enjoyed but tbh it was too much for them. They aren't in the best of health but would drop everything for us and the girls.

They now email dd1 regularly (daily really) and she emails them back. Dd sends them videos of her doing things like playing her instrument or pictures of her with a certificate etc and they love it.
Step MIL sends her links to things she has spent time searching for online that she thinks she would like - videos of cats falling off shelves mainly...
They know what she is doing, remember and then email her to ask her "how did your maths test go" or "how was the party" type questions. Just the small day to day stuff but they are starting to get very close which is lovely.

I can see this building as dd gets older and will include dd2 when she gets older and stops watching frozen parodies on YouTube excessively

They are fab."

MummyBeerest said:

"I did get along with my MIL until DH, DD and I moved in with her 2 months ago before our new house is ready. Now she drives me absolutely insane. And I have a feeling I'm the same for her.

It's been difficult. My FIL passed away 2 years ago, and since then she's had to deal with living on her own. She's got a dog whom she treata like a person-except this dog is very hyperactive, dominant and too large to be babied. It's also jumpy, begging and sheds all over the house, and she never cleans. I mean ever. And I'm a little bit OCD about cleaning.

I realise this isn't the worst possible situation, but we've started to butt heads and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what I say (the dog isn't safe around DD, DH is having allergies because of the dog hair, the dog is eating food right off our plates as we eat, etc.) It's all on deaf ears. She's using the dog as a means of comfort from grieving, and it's her house. I can't win.

Not an easy thing to accept, admittedly. I want to like her again-and I hope that once we move out, I will again."

AdoraBell said:

"Abbie we also have that aspect, my DH is the whipping boy in his family and MIL can't see anything wrong with that."

FiveHoursSleep said:

"My MIL and I used to get on really well but she did make it very clear from the start that we should not rely on her and her husband for childcare. Her mother had never helped her and she was determined that she wouldn't be helping us either, especially once we got around to numbers 3 and 4. I didn't mind too much, she used to ring me for long chats and it was nice talking to someone who was interested in the kids.
When I was pregnant with our third I had a major falling out with my mother, and my MIL walked into the aftermath. I think it was just too emotional for her; she's very straightlaced and they don't do arguing or yelling in their family and I was very upset by what had happened.
Our relationship has never been the same since.
She rings very rarely now, usually messages me dates that they are free to come and see the kids ( once every 3 months or so). We have four children now but one of her daughters has children ( only two) and she is much more involved with them.
I don't worry about it too much, but I did prefer it when we use to speak more frequently. I don't speak to my mother anymore, so it's not like there is competition from her and I do think it would be nice if MIL took a little more interest in her grandchildren but what can you do?
My oldest two are no 12 and nearly 11 and pretty soon they won't be interested in her either
DH has very little contact with his mum although he doesn't have any problems with her; if she does contact us, it tends to be me she contacts."

Just wanted to let those of you who might be experiencing issues with adult children/parents or in-laws, that we have a Q & A with Relate and The Grandparent's Association on this subject next Wednesday 16th July.
So if you do have any questions on dealing with this difficult & often highly emotional issue, especially when it might impact on the grandparent-grandchild relationship, please do pop over and post your question or comment there.
If you want to join in - the Q & A link is Family Wars.

Thanks x

EATmum has said:

"I'm incredibly lucky with my MiL. Despite the fact that I wouldn't have been the person she would have picked for her DS (for religious reasons), she has never been anything but lovely to me. When DH and I decided to live together she didn't like it, but also felt it was our business not hers. She is a strong woman, with very clear beliefs - but she is so respectful and kind that this is no barrier to our relationship. I see the love she has for her DS, and for our family, and I know how lucky I am. I also like shopping and lunching with her and I know she enjoys our outings too. It's an important bond that has evolved over time and I wish she lived closer so we could see her more."

Some more posts for you

thejoysofboys says
My relationship with my MIL is great. my saying is that "she never annoys me any more than my own mother does" (I love my own mum dearly too but IMO all family members irk each other from time to time - that's just part of it).

MIL is older and not as fit & healthy as my own mum but does help out whenever she can.

I also treat her with respect and try to make everything concerning the grandchildren fair/equal for both mum and MIL (e.g. if I email my mum some pics of the boys, I do the same for MIL). I also do her little favours when I can like bringing batch cooked meals/soup/cake which she really appreciates.

Similarly, my MIL is quick to compliment and be grateful for the above and would equally treat me in a similar way to her own daughter where it's appropriate.

I think it's really a common courtesy to your DH to make an effort with his family (as long as they're not monsters!). THey are part of who he is as much as you/his children are.

madamweasel asks
My MIL never had a MIL so I feel that it's hard for her to put herself in my shoes. She's not very chatty (whereas I am) and she often defers to her DH on family issues, which makes getting to know her quite difficult as I never really know what her opinions are. DH will say "mum likes..." but it's so hard to get to know someone through their child as their relationship is implicit.

We've been together 13 years, married for 2 but I still feel a bit like a stranger, although I'm hoping our relationship will improve in time.

Some advice on how to improve things would be welcome as we have plenty of misunderstandings based on ignorance of each other.

MrsMarigold says
My MIL is lovely and I'm lucky to have her in my life. However, she is very polite and her life is very regimented sometimes I just wish she would be more frank and relaxed.

I'm from a more spontaneous, relaxed, easygoing family and I find it tricky.

DH is also very polite and I've had to say to him if you thank me for every meal I prepare and compliment all the time even when I look like a total dogs breakfast it becomes meaningless, so rather only do these things when you genuinely mean it.

She's a good granny too. When I was a child I always imagined I would love my MIL and was upset that although I love her our relationship is not quite what I expected.

I can honestly say I love my first boyfriend's mother and even now she is wonderful and if my parents weren't my parents the next best thing would be his parents.

settingsitting asks...
I guess I need to start reading the MIL threads! shock
I have always stayed well clear up to know.

Think I will print out your suggestions Goldmandra.

I am a really new MIL[2 weeks!]
Up to now, all I have said is that if I ever upset him in the next 20 or 30 years, he is to tell me and I expect we can sort it out.
fwiw, he seems a very reasonable sil.

My relationship with my own mil is fab. So long as I dont tread on her toes over a couple of things, we get on great. I have just become a mil to a sil.
Seriously, any tips? Everything is fine so far.
But I do feel that I dont want to become that sort of mil.

I do have the added complication that my dd and sil live quite a way away, so visits will involve staying over for a couple of days.
Which I am thinking is a different prospect to just visiting for an evening or just popping in during the daytime when he may be at work.