Sons friend is pregnant, help

I would add that it's not up to you to speak to the young woman, but if possible to listen to what she has to say and take it from there. If your son is going to be a father with a father's responsibilities, it's more or less inevitable that you will meet her sooner or later.

Therese What a difficult situation, but you are not the first person and won't be the last to have a son in this pickle. It happens to parents in all walks of life.

I think a few other GNrs have been in this situation. and can probably offer other advice.

I cannot add much to the views above. I hope it works out well in the end.

I have similar views to other posters. Yes, your son needs support but, you should steer clear of getting involved in this situation directly. In the long term its always best to offer love, advice (if asked) and just generally be a wise shoulder to lean on. If it goes well.....you will be appreciated and thought of fondly....if it goes badly (and you had been directly involved) you will be blamed, accused of interfering and just generally cast as the bad guy.

These two young people are making choices, only they know their own motivations and only they can make the real decisions.

Exactly Hilda - this is what I have been saying.

Let them sort it out themselves; if you stay back now you will stand a chance of having a good relationship with them both in time if they stay together. This lass is not your responsibility - your son must shoulder that.

Bit late to decide he does not want to be a father now. Sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. If he has a job he should be able to support himself, perhaps just not in the manner he is used to. Does the young lady intend to 'go it alone' or do they intend to become a couple. If a couple help is available in the form of child benefit and child tax credits. All this information is available at any Citizens Advice Bureau or even a Job Centre will give benefits advice. Whatever happens he should support the child financially if it is his. I have two grandchildren who do not live with my sons. My boys kept a dialogue going with the mothers and they remained friends. They have always given what financial support they can, even when they eventually married. They both have excellent relationships with their children who are both now late teens. It is to late to turn the clock back so make the best of it, make friends with his friend, you do not have to have her living with you. If she lives in a hostel she must already have some sort of sypport network. Just be friends, offer advice only if asked and keep calm!!

He had unprotected sex with this woman, everyone knows the risks!
Its abit too late to opt out now.

He's a 23 year old man. Please don't get involved, he was man enough to sleep with her unprotected. He needs to "man up"
This isn't your mess to sort out.

I think it might be nice to meet up with her as a grandparent and just get to know her and listen to what she has to say.

I think you're all being a bit harsh on the young guy. Age doesn't come into it. Have you all not at some point needed someone to lean on? Isn't that what GN is about, helping each other out? If we all just left people to their own decisions then this website wouldn't exist.

He is a 23 year old guy who has potentially got his friend pregnant. He isn't the first and he won't be the last. He has asked his mum who he trusts probably more than anyone else to help him sort out his feelings over it all. He is confused, shocked and does not know even if he is the father or that he wants to be one if the baby is his. That is a lot to take in, no matter what age. It could happen to someone a lot older too.

The young girl too is shocked and worried. She, for her own reasons, does not want a termination. She wants to keep the baby. So that much is decided by her. Can I ask, Therese if you know the young woman concerned? Does she frequent your home? How long have they been friends? And to what degree are they friends, ie, best friends, acquaintances or what? If you do know her and sometimes see her then I suggest that you talk to them both together, just to let them get off their chests what they are feeling. No decisions need to be made but for her to know that you are there for her will help, in my opinion. If she thinks that you are not there for her and you keep out of it and the baby does turn out to be your son's, then she may decide to move away or something and you and your son will then not be in the child's life. It is a difficult one. They both really need some time first to digest her being pregnant and not rush into anything. Give him lots of hugs, these things happen. At lease he has told you about the situation and not kept it from you. He is being open and honest with you. Many would hide what is going on. Tell your son you love him and will stand by him. He needs you and I think also so does the young girl. Good luck.

p.s. How do you know he had unprotected sex? She could have told him that she was on the pill. She could be on the pill and have been sick or diarrhea, both making the pill ineffective. A condom could have split, anything could have happened but it's not fair to make assumptions that it is the guy's fault. Many girls these days go out to snare a guy to get them pregnant (I'm not suggesting for one minute that this girl did that). My daughter snared her boyfriend, told him she was on the pill, ordered ovulation tests and got pregnant, then shrugged her shoulders when asked why it happened if she was protected. Because SHE wanted a baby. So please don't assume men are all out there getting girls pregnant, because women can be manipulative if they want to be. (I am still angry with my daughter for what she did). I feel sorry for guys these days, they could think a girl is protected and she may not be. I do teach my son, and he has learned because of his sister, that when he does have sex, he takes charge and wears a condom. X

I agree with you rubylady. Especially as 23 seems incredibly young to me these days. And some girls do look on pregnancy as a career move of some kind.

The young woman will be getting emotional and practical support in the hostel. She sounds vulnerable and there is no doubt a back story you may find distressing therese. Hostel places aren't always easy to find, and I am not criticising her when I say she was probably in desperate straights to be allocated the place. Do you know what kind of hostel it is?

Your son is right to have a DNA test when the baby is born. He could (and let's hope he does in future) use a condom when he is not in a committed relationship. I know he's young, and we all make mistakes, but those mistakes extend to young men who assume it's the woman's job to use contraception,and ignore the health risks of unprotected sex with someone they know little about.

If the DNA test confirms the baby is his, he can apply for parental responsibility whether or not his name is on the birth certificate. Children have rights, parents have duties and responsibilities.

Best of luck and good wishes with this.

Thank you all for your advice.
The young lady wants to meet me today, without my son's knowledge.
This puts me in a difficult position. As my husband, my son's stepfather doesn't know about any of this.
I am inclined to go and see her to offer support, but she is a stranger to me, and only has a casual relationship with my son.
It's a mess, but I know she has no support from her family, & I feel for her.

Don't take the initiative to offer support. Just wait and see what she wants to say to you. If you make offers of support you might be in far deeper than you either expected or wanted to be.

Please do nothing at all that is not open, transparent and above board. That is a slippery slope - please do not go there.

Firstly you must tell your husband - it is unthinkable that you should be involved in this without his knowledge.

Secondly you must not meet this girl without your son's knowledge - that too is unthinkable.

You cannot offer support to this "stranger" - only to your son.

Please think about what you are doing: you are heading off to offer support to someone you do not know and risking your relationship with your son and with your husband. What can you be thinking of?

"I am inclined to go and see her and offer support" - there is nothing you can offer her, and you risk so much in doing so.

Do not be seduced by the intrigue - this is not East Enders, it is real life.
This is a dangerous road to tread - my advice is not to tread it.
Family relationships could be soured for many years to come.

I am sorry to be so blunt - I am not being insensitive - but the route you are planning is a dangerous and pointless one; and it is perhaps a measure of how upset you are by all this that you could even contemplate it without your husband's or son's knowledge.

Mishap, youare not being 'blunt and insensitive'...your words are those of a very wise person....therese please heed what Mishap has said. You are on a slippery slope and need to tread very carefully. I've found, in the past that the birth of a child in a family, whatever the circumstances tends to unlease all sorts of emotions and I also have a theory [probably a daft one] that it does something to our hormones as well.

therese I think it's admirable that you want to offer assistance in this upsetting situation but I'm not sure if you've really thought this through.

It is very sad that this young woman is estranged from her family but you don't know what has caused that estrangement or if she has emotional/mental health issues. And once you have got involved and she possibly comes to depend on your support, it would be unkind to then withdraw it if the situation became too demanding.

Her request that you meet her secretly would concern me. If you hide such a meeting from your son, you will be excluding him from something for which he, not you, has responsibility - and in some ways be perceived to be "aligning" yourself with the young woman. Also, if your husband at some stage finds out that you have met up secretly with the young woman, this may well damage your own relationship.

As Mishap says, exactly what "support" could you offer, other than put her in touch with agencies/people who give practical help and advice and emotional support? Whilst your son did not view their arrangement as a proper relationship, it has nevertheless resulted in a pregnancy for which he is allegedly responsible. I feel it should be he that provides direct support (practical and emotional) to this young woman and you that provides background support to him.

Lots of good advice here but I would add that if you do not meet her today after she has asked you to, that your refusal ( which seems a wise move) should be done in a kindly way. Despite all the possibilities that have been suggested here, you have really hardly any information. But whatever the truth surrounding the conception ( and you may never know that) I think you should proceed on the basis she is a relatively young women who has no settled home and is pregnant. That is very sad - so perhaps you can suggest that she talks to your son and then you can all decide together the best way forward about meeting up if that should happen. Resist the temptation in the meantime to join up the various dots - there doesn't seem to enough if them yet

Therese, I wonder if anyone has mentioned the Life organisation, which helps girls/women with problem pregnancies? They can provide accommodation, support and help with baby clothes, equipment etc, during the pregnancy and for as long afterwards as is necessary. If there isn't a telephone number in the phone book it can be found online. This is a difficult time for you all. As to strategy, I fully agree with whenim64 and glammanana.

What would I do without all this sound advice,
My son has now told my husband what's happening. The girl has agreed to meet with my son & I.
So I will keep you posted.
Thank you for your support x

That's better, therese. But be careful to set very firm boundaries as to what can be expected of you.

That's more like it! As anno has said - be clear about what you can and cannot do and do not overstep that. Let them do the talking and stay in the background as much as you can.

Put her in touch with Life or any other local organisations, but do not take on the support role yourself. If this lass sadly has the sort of problems that land her in a hostel, then you could be drained dry by her neediness - let the professionals do that.

Encourage your son to take up the baton and deal with it himself after this initial meeting.

One aspect of this situation which I don't think has been mentioned much is that this coming child is (probably) therese's grandchild.

It is true that the young woman is not therese's responsibility, but many of us would want to be involved with, and support, our grandchild.

therese things seem to be developing very well. Good luck with the meeting.

Mishap, wise words once again.

I think I've gone on at length before on similar subject matter....i.e. our children having huge problems to cope with that we dearly want to solve and make everything 'all better' as we did when they were toddlers and needed our help every waking moment.

As they get older they begin to live their own lives, make their own choices (and yes, having sex with a friend is a choice....no one forced him) and we have to learn to step back a little each time. I am not saying that we should let them just get on with it, we can support, guide and still love them but we cannot step in and solve things. One day we will not be around and our children must have learned to make better choices OR have learned how to sort out the outcomes.
Also, as we get older and frailer we cannot always find the emotional or physical strength to help every time they need it. We will have our own problems and there will come a time when they may have to help us.
Yes, this is a difficult situation but there are many solutions to it. I was married at 23, pregnant and alone at 27......it all worked itself out to everyone's satisfaction. Yes I had a horrid time but I got through it, my Mum sort of waited on the side lines to give practical help such as baby sitting, when I asked and she also gave me a stern but loving talking to then, she waited for me to see the light and move on.

Therese, yes, he is your boy and potentially this is your Grandchild, but these young people have to make the choices themselves albeit with your love and support, but on your terms. Do not be bullied into doing more than you feel you can give.

The fact that this potential child could be a grandchild is, I think, what could cause a clouding of judgment. Therese has done well to clear her mind a bit and at the very least make her actions open rather than clandestine.

Hilda rightly draws attention to the process of growing up and how this includes more than a few obstacles and crises on the way - and often we cannot and should not help, but guide our offspring to develop their own judgment and coping skills.

This young man has made a error of judgment and will have learned from it already. He will continue to learn throughout the process of dealing with it, but he needs the space to do this himself.

I hope that things work out well for all concerned.

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